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Hun. It's her fault, don't take her comment to heart. My past boyfriend wasn't enotional at all but I could still see that he cared for me, even though he never said it. You can grow from this.
That whole thing about sex is irrelevant. If someone gets around because you aren't good in the sack which I'm sure you are, then they never deserved a relationship that you wanted.

All these thoughts of suicide and you tell me living well isn't the best revenge? What the hell is up with that? I'm damn near old enough to be your Grandpa , so what do U have to tell me? Excuse me for being so ornery on this subject, but when your busting your ass doing CPR on some young person whos overdosed or tried to hang themselves because they didn't want to face life and live well. I strongly suggest U seek proffesional help and get your head screwed on straight,then U can tell me how living well isn't the best revenge!

I see your username in a different light now..and my52sgin is right. I have lost my beloved cousin at 19..we were the same age. till this day I miss him. You talk about it like its sliced bread. Its not..its one of the most devastating thing you can do to people around you..to people left behind.

You need to get yourself into some kind of counseling program to deal with your inability to connect or overly connect. You live in extremes. To base the essence of your existence on how some women have reacted to you is way too exagerrated. Yes you may well have big intimacy issues, see the comments the exes have made as something you can further investigate with help from a professional. Not as something you need to get yourself killed for. we have all had to deal with breakups..from people we thought were going to be there forever. Guess what..relationships can end, people can loose their feelings or even die on you. That's life..but life is more than you and some person.

Life is and will mostly be about you and how you view life. Get some help if you feel you cant clear the view by yourself!

Well yea u have issues and u need to go get help for that, and all the other things, cause i guess thats the reason your girl just doesnt feel you love her

Boy...You have yet to live. When you see your baby daughter pass away in your arms due to heart failure, your mom die due to a freak hospital born infection or you hold and comfort your son through all of his many cancer treatments...then and only then can you complain about your life. We all have horrible things we live through and thank god mine made me stronger. Suicide is the most selfish thing someone can do to those they love.

Go ahead and get it over with if you really hate those around you. What in your short life has been so difficult that contemplating suicide is your answer?

Volunteer in a hospice sometime, or Meals on Wheels. Get out of yourself and start focusing on those who need your help and are in real pain! No more "Woe is me" it doesn't fly!!

SO mad at you right now I feel like hunting you down and giving you a good spanking!!

Now go get yourself some help!

Emjay couldn't have said it better. I also lost someone very dear to me from suicide. I was 18, falling in love with him and had hopes that we'd marry someday. I can not stress enough how much this changed the trajectory of my life and affected my ability to trust, love, connect and be happy for many years. Words can not describe the pain felt by those left behind. It was to the point where I felt suicidal but I never went through with it. I really wanted to die, though, life was black and unbearable. See, when you've been intimate with someone you love and they take their lives it changes you in a way that can not be explained with words. I attribute my saving grace to two things. One, my father died and left behind 5 children for my mom to raise alone. If she could survive that, I would survive this. And two, I had this tiny microbe of stubbornness that refused to me end things this way, even though the black emotions were overwhelming. Ultimately, I decided that my friend had cheated himself out of a happier ending and I wasn't going to make that same mistake. It took many years of getting help to make it out the other side, but here I am. I'm not perfect but I'm a hell of a lot better than I was. You need to get the help and take a swing at this. Start sorting through the mess and deal with it one piece at a time. It's not instant gratification, but it does get better. It's hard work, but worth it in the end. I am so happy I didn't end things because I met a great man and have been blessed with one of the most amazing sons a mom could ask for. I would have missed out on this if I had taken the exit door and every day I look at my kid I think of how lucky I am. Don't let your emotions dictate your actions right now because they can't be trusted. Do the right thing, get some help and allow yourself to heal. Love yourself and remain open to the possibilities life has to offer. Please keep us posted, I hope you put yourself on the road to recovery soon. *hugs*

My son is 16 and has been battling brain cancer and the devastating effects of several brain surgeries and radiation since he was eleven. And he doesn't drink, smoke, do illegal drugs, or contemplate suicide. He'll never have sex, fall in love, be a father. You have so much that my son will never have. Don't take it for granted.
You stopped dating for years?? Your freakin 19. How could that even be? My daughter is 18 and hasn't been on a single date, yet.
You seem to be rushing your life. Live it nice and slow. Don't rush it to an end. You have so much to live and experience. Open your eyes and recognize what you have. Don't dwell on the things you don't have.

Listen to the wise words people here have said. I've been where you are and came close to ending my life.

You have your whole life ahead of you. I thought mine was over 36 years ago. But I hung on and now I'm happy, content and in love with someone for many, many years.

Hang in there, things will get better I promise, if you let it happen.

prettyswinggirl;bt29590 said:

Go ahead and get it over with if you really hate those around you. What in your short life has been so difficult that contemplating suicide is your answer?

Volunteer in a hospice sometime, or Meals on Wheels. Get out of yourself and start focusing on those who need your help and are in real pain! No more "Woe is me" it doesn't fly!!

SO mad at you right now I feel like hunting you down and giving you a good spanking!!

Now go get yourself some help!

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I agree with her and others, that you really dont have it that bad, to complain that much

I am sorry guys, but can you please refrain from telling me that I don't have it that bad and that I have no right to complain. I didn't spill every detail about my life because it was not supposed to the topic here. I've been dealing with my depression since I was ten years old. Seriously, a ten year old with depression and suicidal thoughts. I'm twenty now. In my opinion that is a long time to feel that way, especially from such a young age. I find it to be tragic that as far back as my memory can take me I have been this way.

The only reason I brought this up in this blog was because I'm in college now. My girlfriend was visiting me this weekend. Sunday morning when we woke up I was going to tell her that I love her and not to worry about my suicidal thoughts anymore and that I am happy. I did not go into the reasonings behind my depression. Those reasons and my previously failed relationships have nothing to do with each other except for the fact that my revelations to her Sunday morning never happened because Saturday night she cheated on me.

I think you really need to look into why your girlfriends feel unloved. It's obviously a pattern that keeps repeating itself, and the common factor in each of these relationships has been you. If talking to your girlfriend about it doesn't help, it might be a good idea to explore the issue with a professional.

And keep in mind that most 19 year old girls don't really see it as cheating if they kiss another girl (or at least they didn't when I was 19). This may have been more where her thoughts (or non thoughts) were at the time. She may just have fell back on 'you don't love me' as a way of explaining it.

And I'm guessing that after 10 years you are having treatment for your depression and suicidal ideation. If not, you should be.

Depression sucks, i know i don't need to say that but sometimes people forget what its like to really be depressed. Most of the problem with depression (coming from a person that has had the same bouts with it as you) is that when your depressed, your perspective becomes eschewed. It then starts to seem as if the world is either out to get you and only you or that you just can't catch a break.

And in all honesty thats a fair assessment because it's extremely difficult to see an event from another person's point of view. Hell most of the people i know still have massive problems doing this. I'd like to think that its a skill like cross country skiing or something.

Think that this might be a case of cycles. She couldn't feel that you loved her for blah blah reason so she went to find it elsewhere. You couldn't really show her how you felt because of this or that. So right from the start there was this emotional miscommunication going on where neither of you could express the full tilt of yourselves.

Not trying to be judgmental or anything but it seems you guys had a rather rocky start from the beginning. Which, is normal. I've heard of tons of people that get together because at least some of what they found in each matched. Some people don't really even get that far. Know a couple thats only together because of rent.

Another thing is that sometimes we as human beings need to feel special. And just like the theory of good versus bad publicity it sometimes doesn't matter either way.

Not saying to accept what she did and get back together or anything. Just saying that maybe your perspective is bias in more ways than you know.

I would recommend though that if at possible you two sit down only as people who have had something in common (with no expectation on anything other than that talk) and see what happened. I'm guessing that you both have way more common than you think.

Just some ideas. Hope it helps

Ditto to everything AZMetal said. Communication is key to everything. Now chin up, take a deep breath, and tell her how you feel. Embrace the world....

I know exactly what you mean -- and what she means. This book will really REALLY help fix the problem and prevent your relationship from going down the toilet. (It's NOT just for married couples, it's for anyone in a serious relationship)

Dear Mr. Hangman,

I think we can all relate to your feelings...at least I can.

When I was your age I used to have what I called "love rushes." It was when I was without a partner and had no one to express my deep desires for intimacy. I finally started to realize (and continue to as time goes on) that the my first and foremost relationship is with myself. Sounds trite but as time has gone on, I have come value a deeper and deeper understanding of what it means to love myself first, be kind to myself first, forgive myself first before attempting to share those feelings with another.

I don't mean it in a superficial, self-centered, selfish way when I say "love myself" but I'm referring to a point of view that recognizes that I cannot extend caring and affection to another when i have not demonstrated them to myself. It began when I started focusing on thoughts that were harmful to myself and, in that moment, choosing to confront them rather than identify with them. As time went on, that tendency grew and began to extend itself into other areas of my life, to areas beyond my mental life and it continues to grow.

Did ya ever hear the song "Don't Give Up" by Peter Gabriel? Check it out sometime. It still brings tears when I realize the song is coming from the parts of me that I've forgotten.

Hang in, dude!!! If it doesn't kill ya, it'll make ya stronger!

Hangman I hope you have checked out the great advice here from people who have been down one or two of the same roads and who genuinely care. It's important that you decide to change the road you're on or you're bound to repeat yourself, as you've already discovered.

The incident with your girlfriend wasn't cheating. She was doing something that a lot of girls do. They use indirect communication to get their point across because they don't feel capable of expressing their hurt feelings directly to you. In other words she was "trying to make you jealous" to see if you love her. At least that's how girls express it. In reality it was an unsubtle rebuke to you that said "if I can't get affection from you I'll get it where I can - even with another girl - even right in front of you - you fuckin' pussyman!"

See what she's trying to do? She's trying to SHAME you into being affectionate to her! How confusing for you! Of course this is a twisted form of communication that will always fail to achieve it's aim with a person like you. Depressed people don't react well to shaming and insults. I've been there believe me.

If she won't take the path of direct communication with you first then man up and do it yourself. It goes like this:

1) Hi GF, I am suffering from depression and it's important that you know this so you can understand why I sometimes feel down. It's NOT because of you OK. I'm not going to hide it from you and be dishonest. If you don't like that it's better that you leave me alone.

2) GF I truly love you like I've loved no other girl, but I'm inhibited and withdrawn which are just symptoms of my depression. It doesn't mean I don't care about you because my depression is NOT ABOUT YOU. If you can be patient with me I will try to learn how to show you more appreciation and affection because I know that if I don't you will eventually leave me like the other girls and I would understand and respect you for that.

3) I have decided that I want to live my life to see what I can make of it so I am asking you to partner me on this journey. It may not always be easy but I have decided that I have more to gain by trying so believe me when I say I will never give up. I am going to train myself to stop indulging in selfish suicidal fantasies and I am going to learn to engage with others more fully.

4) I am going to commit to discovering and developing what I have to offer the world rather than concentrating on what the world has to offer me. I know that I will be rewarded in the end.

5) If you have a need to express to me or if you feel that I have hurt you I promise that I will listen to you if you tell me honestly and directly without using manipulative or indirect types of communication. I am asking for your commitment to being straight with me because you know that my depressed brain always misinterprets this kind of indirect threat or emotional role playing.

6) I need for you to be happy, so if you want to try something or someone, just ask me and I will try to understand. I may be happy for you to explore your desires or I may ask that you sacrifice something for the sake of our continuing relationship. If you never ask me you can never have my consent. If I want to explore something beyond my relationship with you I promise to ask you so that we can agree on what will work and what will not work for us as a couple.