Hi, haven't posted for a while. I've been traveling for a couple of months and haven't had time to go on to LPSG. So much has happened to me since I've last posted.
I'm writing this for just to get it off my chest. I guess this is my form of self therapy.
Ok so I'm 27 years old, and bisexual. Before I admitted I was bi, which was about 3-4 years ago, I was deeply in denial. I ignored my attractions to other men, but in the process developed crushes on my close male friends. This ended up really ruining my relationships with my friends, and made me really depressed. It wasn't until I started to explore the Bi side of me, that I realised I was treating my friends as if we were in a relationship. Of course there are things you can expect from someone your dating that you can't of your friends (not just sexually), and realised that it was really unhealthy. I thought once I was "out" as a bisexual and knew this about myself, I could avoid this.
Well I find myself in the same situation. I went traveling for a couple of months with a friend of mine in South East Asia. I don't know how it happened, but after spending all that time with him, I ended up falling for him. We spent so much time with each other, shared hotel rooms, and confided a lot of deep and personal secrets with each other, that before I knew it I was head over heels for him. I didn't even know this had happened until out last month, and I when I realised it, it was to late. Also when this happens I tend to get upset over dumb stuff, like when he hooked up with a girl (petty jealousy and totally unfounded), angery over "Fights" we would have (traveling with someone for a long time will eventually happen).
I know this is imature behaviour, believe me.
Also what didn't help was the sort of gay/bi behaviour he had in him. First of all he is a total player and has hooked up with a lot of chicks. Now a while before we went traveling, he got high at a clube we were at and made out with me in a bathroom. I didn't know what to make of it, but knew not to do anything about it, or it would ruin the friendship. I actually thought I was over my whole "Crush" phase, because I always found him attractive, but didn't make a move on him when he made out with me. He went back to my place, and slept over in my bed but I never made a move.
On our vacation, he got drunk once and admited that he did find other men attractive and asked me if that made him gay. I told him no, it's perfectly natural for guys to find other guys attractive. Little by little I found out some other tidbits. Such as he liked trans porn, he did have one expierence fooling around with another guy in college. I guess finding out these things made me hope he was bi and then next thing you know I fell for him.
To make things more complicated, we would get drunk until we would black out. On 2 of those ocasions, we fooled around. I know I sucked him off, but one of the times it's a blur, but the other I remember more clearly. Both times I intatied it, and I don't know how I feel about it now. I kind of feel a little bit sleazy. This guy was a friend of mine, and I feel like I let my attraction to him get out of hand.
Now we're back from vacation and in to our regular lives. He lives really far away and is going to post grad school and I'm going to move overseas. I feel guitly for what happened, I miss him a lof and for many reasons. I know now he won't be part of my life and I won't be part of his. This makes me really sad. I know he doesn't have feelings for me, and that also makes me sad. I'm also mad at myself for leting this happen to me again and possibly ruining another friendship about this. Mostly I miss being around him.
I know this is really ridiclious, and it sounds really foolish. I just needed to express this, so I can get over him. I just hope I can grow from this, and make sure that I can keep this behaviour in check.
I'm writing this for just to get it off my chest. I guess this is my form of self therapy.
Ok so I'm 27 years old, and bisexual. Before I admitted I was bi, which was about 3-4 years ago, I was deeply in denial. I ignored my attractions to other men, but in the process developed crushes on my close male friends. This ended up really ruining my relationships with my friends, and made me really depressed. It wasn't until I started to explore the Bi side of me, that I realised I was treating my friends as if we were in a relationship. Of course there are things you can expect from someone your dating that you can't of your friends (not just sexually), and realised that it was really unhealthy. I thought once I was "out" as a bisexual and knew this about myself, I could avoid this.
Well I find myself in the same situation. I went traveling for a couple of months with a friend of mine in South East Asia. I don't know how it happened, but after spending all that time with him, I ended up falling for him. We spent so much time with each other, shared hotel rooms, and confided a lot of deep and personal secrets with each other, that before I knew it I was head over heels for him. I didn't even know this had happened until out last month, and I when I realised it, it was to late. Also when this happens I tend to get upset over dumb stuff, like when he hooked up with a girl (petty jealousy and totally unfounded), angery over "Fights" we would have (traveling with someone for a long time will eventually happen).
I know this is imature behaviour, believe me.
Also what didn't help was the sort of gay/bi behaviour he had in him. First of all he is a total player and has hooked up with a lot of chicks. Now a while before we went traveling, he got high at a clube we were at and made out with me in a bathroom. I didn't know what to make of it, but knew not to do anything about it, or it would ruin the friendship. I actually thought I was over my whole "Crush" phase, because I always found him attractive, but didn't make a move on him when he made out with me. He went back to my place, and slept over in my bed but I never made a move.
On our vacation, he got drunk once and admited that he did find other men attractive and asked me if that made him gay. I told him no, it's perfectly natural for guys to find other guys attractive. Little by little I found out some other tidbits. Such as he liked trans porn, he did have one expierence fooling around with another guy in college. I guess finding out these things made me hope he was bi and then next thing you know I fell for him.
To make things more complicated, we would get drunk until we would black out. On 2 of those ocasions, we fooled around. I know I sucked him off, but one of the times it's a blur, but the other I remember more clearly. Both times I intatied it, and I don't know how I feel about it now. I kind of feel a little bit sleazy. This guy was a friend of mine, and I feel like I let my attraction to him get out of hand.
Now we're back from vacation and in to our regular lives. He lives really far away and is going to post grad school and I'm going to move overseas. I feel guitly for what happened, I miss him a lof and for many reasons. I know now he won't be part of my life and I won't be part of his. This makes me really sad. I know he doesn't have feelings for me, and that also makes me sad. I'm also mad at myself for leting this happen to me again and possibly ruining another friendship about this. Mostly I miss being around him.
I know this is really ridiclious, and it sounds really foolish. I just needed to express this, so I can get over him. I just hope I can grow from this, and make sure that I can keep this behaviour in check.
