I had a breakdown

So I spent the day with my grandmother today. I broke down crying discussing the situation with my mom. It was so sudden and powerful and my chest hurts now because I was forcing myself to stop the flow and get under control.

I'm my mother's primary caretaker. She has MS and it's been progressing rapidly since I turned 18. She's had it since she was 21. My grandmother has power of attorney with her, so we're both dealing with watching a once strong woman lose her power, intelligence and freedom. It's incredibly painful but I'm usually "good" about internalizing it.

It's times like these that just make me more angry I don't have a boyfriend to go to. It's one thing that I broke down in front of a family member... but the support is pretty much expected in that situation. The test of support from a lover would have been more important to me.

Comments

That's a hard row to hoe, taking care of your mother at so young an age.
I wish you well in dealing with all the challenges, SK.
And best of luck in finding a significant someone to share your life with.
 
" It's incredibly painful but I'm usually "good" about internalizing it." -- Syddy

It's not 'good' to internalize, not good for you or for the people you're caring for. The caregiver needs care too. Even if you had a boyfriend who was supportive, relying too much on that could still put a strain on the relationship. Have you considered some professional counseling to help you with your feelings? Also, it's important that you maintain a healthy lifestyle, spend personal time away from the situation, and engage in enjoyable activities that allow you to expend pent up feelings/energy and relax.

Take care.
.
 
maxcok;bt23886 said:
" It's incredibly painful but I'm usually "good" about internalizing it." -- Syddy

It's not 'good' to internalize, not good for you or for the people you're caring for. The caregiver needs care too. Even if you had a boyfriend who was supportive, relying too much on that could still put a strain on the relationship. Have you considered some professional counseling to help you with your feelings? Also, it's important that you maintain a healthy lifestyle, spend personal time away from the situation, and engage in enjoyable activities that allow you to expend pent up feelings/energy and relax.

Take care.
.

I know it's not good, that's why I put it in quotes. And professional counseling costs money I don't have, as does getting out and doing truly enjoyable things. I do not and never will believe that "fun" is free. It never is, it always has a cost (even as minuscule as gas).
This caregiver gives all the self care possible. It's not enough to rely on oneself all the time and I will NEVER believe it is. I don't believe in the power of one, I see it as fantasy and self-delusion people to "to get by" and it sickens me. Then again, I also have socialist views.

And a relation would just be an outlet, just like hanging out with friends. Problem is I have no friends locally and am not good at making them. No point in trying for them anymore when all I want is the endpoint anyway. 23 years of not having local relationships - sick of it. I'm not putting up with the shit anymore.
 
It sounds to me like you're limiting yourself. There are plenty of things you can do that are fun and relaxing that don't have to cost much or anything. Ride a bike, take a walk, fly a kite, do something physical that you enjoy. Just find some nature to be in. I've lived most of my life in cities and now live in a very rural area. Then and now I've always found free community events to go to. Get out in the world and meet people, not with the objective of finding a boyfriend, but just to interact with people and maybe make a friend or two along the way.

You have to take responsibility for your own well-being and pull yourself out of negativity if you are going to attract people. I've always found relationships come looking for me when I'm not looking and least expect it. As far as counselling and other support, I would try to hook up with some social service agencies, perhaps you are in contact with some in relation to your mother's condition who could refer you. Free or low cost counselling may be available if you do the research.

If you have a defeatist attitude and say, "I can't do this, or can't do that," you will only drag yourself down further. Not could for you, not good for the people who depend on you. Be proactive, and figure out what you can do. Best of luck to you. - Max
 

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