Over the course of this past week I've been trying to prepare myself for today's sharing. Truth be told, if I could give it a miss, I gladly would do so...but I can't. I need to "vocalise" this experience for the sake of my healing and for you to better understand the remainder of my entries that are still to come. This entry has been written in my mind on countless occasions and each time bore a different approach: Anger, self pity, resignation, distant, pained. In fact the common thread in all of my mental journaling has been the pain - deep seated pain. As I prepare myself to reopen some healing wounds, I feel the pain wash over me and I wish that I could just hit delete and walk away...only thing is that I'll then be faced with bringing myself right back and having to start off all over again. So now that I've set the ball rolling, let me see it through until the end. (Brace yourself, it's going to be long)
This is an excerpt from my reply to one of EagleCowboy's comments in this blog, forgive me if you've already read it, but I need to draw upon it in order to set the scene:
My father inflicted great wounds in my life: At the age of 5 when he came to visit us, I ran outside to greet him. As I was about to put my hands around him he took a step forward, pushed his hand on my chest to stop me and said, "Don't. You'll dirty my shirt." He never showed me any affection and spent most of his time (when he visited us) belittling me etc. At the age of 20 he filed for divorce where he claimed that I wasn't his child...another big blow to my life. The result has been that throughout my adult life I've been afraid of opening up to another man. In fact, I've felt incompetent...completely incompetent around me...almost like it's an exclusive club and I don't have any membership. Whenever I was confronted with men on a personal level, it was almost like I suffered from stage fright. My mouth would simply clam up and I'd be unable to say a word. I'd look for the slightest opportunity to run away and hide in the shadows of the room and their awareness. It was a painful and frustrating time because I so desperately wanted and needed to get over this sense of inadequacy but I just didn't know how to. Being a member here helped me so much because it's helped me to interact with men with the security of hiding behind a PC screen. By the time Mr came along, I was finding it easier to interact with men. So it's no biggie that I ended up being able to share deeply about my thoughts etc. with him which finally led my heart to opening up to him completely and then boom: "I'm bi!"
These are the issues that I brought along with me when I entered into my "Mr" experience. However, he brought issues of his own along with him as well. I am only going to share the bare necessity because I have no right to render him bare to anybody - this blog is about me and not him, but unfortunately there's a need to draw upon a bit of information about him in order to make my experience crystal clear.
You may have wondered how it was possible for TWO married men to fall for each other. If it were one party, it would be completely understandable, but both? Highly unlikely!
Well, he's gay. You heard me right. He is married with kids...and he is (cough) gay. His wife knew that he was gay even before that they were married. I know that it may raise a lot of questions in your mind, but in order to preserve his dignity, I'm not going to take things further.
So we found ourselves in a situation where very strong feelings had surfaced, we agreed that they needed to be resolved by preserving the dignity of our marriages as well as maintaining our integrity and before too long it was the beginning of the end.
About two weeks after this discovery, he grew very distant and not too long afterwards the silent treatment began. First he was abrupt, then I was simply ignored...all of this in the midst of mixed messages. It was almost a case of: Come here, but stay away. Be my friend, now I'm putting you in a leper colony. It was painful and confusing...and it tore my little heart to shreds.
Taking my past/issues into account, it would be safe to say that it finally began to erode away at me on so many levels: My self esteem diminished with each passing day and I found myself faced with questions like: "What did I do?" "What's wrong with me?" "Is it something that I had said?". I became increasingly insecure and afraid of men etc.
There were times when I was able to get him to open up to me and he expressed a lot of confusion about his situation. There was many a time when this was followed by my having, "things are so much easier for me because at least I've always been interested in female genitalia" thrown into my face. It devastated me because little did he realise just how bleak and confusing things were for me. His wife knew that he was gay, mine had no clue that I was bi...so I was at risk of losing everything. He had a community out there, information, support groups etc. I had nothing other than greys, confusion and a community in hiding. In fact, when I outed myself to Mrs. biguy, I told her that even though we'd most probably have gotten divorced, I wished with every fibre of my being that I was gay - things would have been so much clearer to me. Above all else, those words felt like an accusation - that I brought it upon him and I was better off. I heard it so often that I finally found myself being wracked with guilt.
I felt completely responsible and viewed myself as having been a Pandora's Box to his life: he succeeded to open me up and I did nothing other than pour misery and heartache upon his life. I loathed myself. I tried to make up for it by pouring myself out to him - I made my own struggles, journey etc known to him in all entirety with the hope that it would help him make sense of his own situation. The only response that I received was to be ignored even more. I KNEW that we could work things through...I'd already begun to relate with him as a friend and nothing more. I believed that we could enjoy the reality of becoming best friends, but it all fell on deaf ears.
The silent treatment spanned over about three months or so. Looking back it was a blessing in disguise because it prepared me for this current situation where he isn't a part of my life any longer.
I confronted him about the way that I was being treated and how it was affecting me. He told me the same old story: He's confused and I'm better off than him. He said that he was busy and promised to phone me the following week. The following week came, Mom went into hospital for her operation which ended up being three operations and during all that time, no phonecall was made.
Mom was discharged. I decided to read through our emails because I ended up having to spend every day with her which resulted in my being completely disconnected from myself, life and my issues. I came across his email in response to my admitting that feelings for him how somehow developed. It read (and it's ad lib because the email has been deleted since): "I feel the same way. Don't worry we'll take it slow because I know that it will be the first time that you will have been with a man and I don't want you to be hurt." WTF??? Am I reading right? Is he alluding to what I think that he's alluding to? It felt like a slap in the face. I couldn't help but wonder if, once it became clear that I wasn't willing to have any kind of adulterous or sexual relationship with him, he lost interest in me. Yet, since I'd experienced a couple of months of silent treatment it could be anyone's guess. I may have just misinterpreted what he was trying to say.
A week later, I made a post on one of the forums that I belong to and then realised that he'd posted just before I had. I wanted answers but since it happened in the morning, I wasn't prepared to start my day off in that manner. I returned to that thread to see if any other South Africans had posted (it happened early afternoon) and to my surprise, I saw that he was online. I decided to call him and see if I could get some straightforward answers for a change. My call was rejected. I lost it. I text messaged him saying, "FINALLY...I get it! All that you had to do was tell me to get lost and I would have done so." He replied telling me that his cell phone battery had died. Right. If that was the case, then how was it possible for him to text message me?...also when a battery dies, the ringing tone on the callers side dies as well, I got an engaged tone...which takes place when the call is rejected. I decided to play along with the hope of discovering some answers. I apologised for my oversight and asked if I could call him on the office line. He told me that my reaction was uncalled for and I can't phone him because he is driving, but he'd phone me the Monday. I logged onto his profile to see if he was still online...and he most certainly was! I felt guilty for almost being a stalker but I reminded myself that desperate times called for desperate measures. I knew enough and intentionally made a post in order to alert him to the fact that I knew where he was (I hope that he got the intended message). I also knew that it was the last time that I'd ever hear from him again.
This is an excerpt from my reply to one of EagleCowboy's comments in this blog, forgive me if you've already read it, but I need to draw upon it in order to set the scene:
My father inflicted great wounds in my life: At the age of 5 when he came to visit us, I ran outside to greet him. As I was about to put my hands around him he took a step forward, pushed his hand on my chest to stop me and said, "Don't. You'll dirty my shirt." He never showed me any affection and spent most of his time (when he visited us) belittling me etc. At the age of 20 he filed for divorce where he claimed that I wasn't his child...another big blow to my life. The result has been that throughout my adult life I've been afraid of opening up to another man. In fact, I've felt incompetent...completely incompetent around me...almost like it's an exclusive club and I don't have any membership. Whenever I was confronted with men on a personal level, it was almost like I suffered from stage fright. My mouth would simply clam up and I'd be unable to say a word. I'd look for the slightest opportunity to run away and hide in the shadows of the room and their awareness. It was a painful and frustrating time because I so desperately wanted and needed to get over this sense of inadequacy but I just didn't know how to. Being a member here helped me so much because it's helped me to interact with men with the security of hiding behind a PC screen. By the time Mr came along, I was finding it easier to interact with men. So it's no biggie that I ended up being able to share deeply about my thoughts etc. with him which finally led my heart to opening up to him completely and then boom: "I'm bi!"
These are the issues that I brought along with me when I entered into my "Mr" experience. However, he brought issues of his own along with him as well. I am only going to share the bare necessity because I have no right to render him bare to anybody - this blog is about me and not him, but unfortunately there's a need to draw upon a bit of information about him in order to make my experience crystal clear.
You may have wondered how it was possible for TWO married men to fall for each other. If it were one party, it would be completely understandable, but both? Highly unlikely!
Well, he's gay. You heard me right. He is married with kids...and he is (cough) gay. His wife knew that he was gay even before that they were married. I know that it may raise a lot of questions in your mind, but in order to preserve his dignity, I'm not going to take things further.
So we found ourselves in a situation where very strong feelings had surfaced, we agreed that they needed to be resolved by preserving the dignity of our marriages as well as maintaining our integrity and before too long it was the beginning of the end.
About two weeks after this discovery, he grew very distant and not too long afterwards the silent treatment began. First he was abrupt, then I was simply ignored...all of this in the midst of mixed messages. It was almost a case of: Come here, but stay away. Be my friend, now I'm putting you in a leper colony. It was painful and confusing...and it tore my little heart to shreds.
Taking my past/issues into account, it would be safe to say that it finally began to erode away at me on so many levels: My self esteem diminished with each passing day and I found myself faced with questions like: "What did I do?" "What's wrong with me?" "Is it something that I had said?". I became increasingly insecure and afraid of men etc.
There were times when I was able to get him to open up to me and he expressed a lot of confusion about his situation. There was many a time when this was followed by my having, "things are so much easier for me because at least I've always been interested in female genitalia" thrown into my face. It devastated me because little did he realise just how bleak and confusing things were for me. His wife knew that he was gay, mine had no clue that I was bi...so I was at risk of losing everything. He had a community out there, information, support groups etc. I had nothing other than greys, confusion and a community in hiding. In fact, when I outed myself to Mrs. biguy, I told her that even though we'd most probably have gotten divorced, I wished with every fibre of my being that I was gay - things would have been so much clearer to me. Above all else, those words felt like an accusation - that I brought it upon him and I was better off. I heard it so often that I finally found myself being wracked with guilt.
I felt completely responsible and viewed myself as having been a Pandora's Box to his life: he succeeded to open me up and I did nothing other than pour misery and heartache upon his life. I loathed myself. I tried to make up for it by pouring myself out to him - I made my own struggles, journey etc known to him in all entirety with the hope that it would help him make sense of his own situation. The only response that I received was to be ignored even more. I KNEW that we could work things through...I'd already begun to relate with him as a friend and nothing more. I believed that we could enjoy the reality of becoming best friends, but it all fell on deaf ears.
The silent treatment spanned over about three months or so. Looking back it was a blessing in disguise because it prepared me for this current situation where he isn't a part of my life any longer.
I confronted him about the way that I was being treated and how it was affecting me. He told me the same old story: He's confused and I'm better off than him. He said that he was busy and promised to phone me the following week. The following week came, Mom went into hospital for her operation which ended up being three operations and during all that time, no phonecall was made.
Mom was discharged. I decided to read through our emails because I ended up having to spend every day with her which resulted in my being completely disconnected from myself, life and my issues. I came across his email in response to my admitting that feelings for him how somehow developed. It read (and it's ad lib because the email has been deleted since): "I feel the same way. Don't worry we'll take it slow because I know that it will be the first time that you will have been with a man and I don't want you to be hurt." WTF??? Am I reading right? Is he alluding to what I think that he's alluding to? It felt like a slap in the face. I couldn't help but wonder if, once it became clear that I wasn't willing to have any kind of adulterous or sexual relationship with him, he lost interest in me. Yet, since I'd experienced a couple of months of silent treatment it could be anyone's guess. I may have just misinterpreted what he was trying to say.
A week later, I made a post on one of the forums that I belong to and then realised that he'd posted just before I had. I wanted answers but since it happened in the morning, I wasn't prepared to start my day off in that manner. I returned to that thread to see if any other South Africans had posted (it happened early afternoon) and to my surprise, I saw that he was online. I decided to call him and see if I could get some straightforward answers for a change. My call was rejected. I lost it. I text messaged him saying, "FINALLY...I get it! All that you had to do was tell me to get lost and I would have done so." He replied telling me that his cell phone battery had died. Right. If that was the case, then how was it possible for him to text message me?...also when a battery dies, the ringing tone on the callers side dies as well, I got an engaged tone...which takes place when the call is rejected. I decided to play along with the hope of discovering some answers. I apologised for my oversight and asked if I could call him on the office line. He told me that my reaction was uncalled for and I can't phone him because he is driving, but he'd phone me the Monday. I logged onto his profile to see if he was still online...and he most certainly was! I felt guilty for almost being a stalker but I reminded myself that desperate times called for desperate measures. I knew enough and intentionally made a post in order to alert him to the fact that I knew where he was (I hope that he got the intended message). I also knew that it was the last time that I'd ever hear from him again.
