I'm gay and 26, 27 in a few days actually, been searching for the perfect love since i was younger, at 21 i did fall in love with someone when i was 21, i knew him from school, and thats when i had sex for the first time. i was so fully in love and happy but it didn't last for long because in a couple of months since we met he met someone else and dumped me. he really had convinced me he was in love with me too anti was a huge shock for me they way things developed. I've been through extreme depression and pain because of him until i realised what a bad person he was a few years later, he would only remember me when he was single again just for sex, i made the mistake to trust him once again, he fucked and left me again and after that i never replied to his messages.
Anyway that was the first ''relationship'' i ever had and for 2 years after that i would date guys from planet romeo or Facebook. I never met again someone to inspire me and make me feel something for him, i never felt a deep connection and close to someone else i tried one night stands a few times but i realised that i was just not that into it. i can't work like that...
Out of a sudden a guy i didn't even know we were friends on Facebook messaged me and it was obvious he was flirting with me. When i checked his profile i realised he lived in athens and since i live 5 hours away from athens i didn't want to give him a chance. at first. he would message me daily though and me trying to be polite i would answer back. he was really cute i can't deny it then we started chatting daily and then Skype daily and suddenly he was the person i would spend most of my day talking to. and i loved it, it was fun, i was never bored of him and we could talk about everything, felt like i knew him for years. i could believe how lucky i was and a really cute guy found me he was the nicest person ever and we had so many things in common, i couldn't believe in my luck, after a month of daily Skype calls for hours we started cyber sex and that was also fun even that its not my favourite thing to do the tension with him was so huge and since he was that far away we couldn't help it. a few days later he told me that he would try to book tickets and visit me so we could meet in person, unfortunately a few days later he told me it was impossible due to work but we still kept skipping daily. after thinking about it well i decided to book tickets to athens and go meet him, he was very happy when i told him. he also told me that there was someone else he was dating, a guy many years older than him but nothing serious they would only meet once a month for sex since he lived abroad. when i heard that i told him that i didn't want to get involved to something like that and maybe i should cancel my tickets. he insisted it was nothing serious and that he really wanted to meet me and i should go. i did.
i stayed for 3 days at his house and we had the best time ever, lots of sex, walks, dinner at restaurants, for the first time in my life i met someone i was feeling so connected to, so close to, i was never bored with him, i had no idea how my future husband would be one day till i met him, i was the happiest person ever. on my flight back thinking about the whole situation i wasn't expecting anything more from him because of the distance, i was sure he would start slowly disappearing from my life as soon as i was back home. and its natural cause i understand its really hard to keep so close contact with someone so far away. even though i did want him in my life as anything else. the weird thing is that nothing changed when i returned home. we kept skyping daily for hours again and he never lost his interest in me. till a month later when he told me that he could not stop thinking about the other guy and that he wanted to see him again if the other guy called him, he wasn't even sure if he'd do. i told him we should stop our communication after that even though i was devastated about the situation i knew the right thing to do was to end it. he wouldn't let me though. he kept calling daily and i kept asking him why. he was confused, he couldn't decide what to do. after a few days everything came up to normal again he gave me the feeling that he regretted what he said and that he didn't want to lose me. what i didn't know was that he didn't want me to lose me from his life but not in an erotic way anymore. he wanted me to be there as a friend. which i did realise a few days later and again i told him w should stop. i was in love with him and it was way to hard for me to leave all our erotic life behind and just be his friend. plus i could not settle with the idea that he talking for hours daily to me but he is having sex at night with someone else. on the other hand i was very in love with him and it was really hard to cut him off from my life. way too complicated situation.
i decided to travel again to athens to see him, tell him in person i was in love with him, cause i had never told him before. i did. he came to pick me up we went home and when i tried to kiss him he wouldn't. i knew this wasn't going to end well. i finally told him i was in love with him but he said he doesn't feel the same way. i felt extreme pain inside and i told him that we should end this now and tried to leave his house. he wouldn't let me. i just couldn't stay with him anymore. but literally he was holding me and didn't let me open the door and leave. anyway i stayed in athens for less that 24 hours and then i booked a flight and went back home.he even came with me to the airport even though i told him he shouldn't. but i was dead inside. i didn't want him to be next to me anymore, he wouldn't let me. he tried to hug me for good buy when i was ready to get on the plane but i didn't.
i returned home devastated trying to figure out how am i going to get over him. i realised its been 6 moths of my life i spent for him and i ended up alone. again. what he tired to do is to contact me again. i tried to avoid talking to him but being polite i had to answer some of his messages. then he said that he wanted to come visit me at my hometown, and he did, just for a weekend, no matte what had happened i was very happy to see him again, and again he didn't want anything sexual with me, he came to see me as a friend. which still made me feel worse. i tried to be polite i even took him to the airport but we both knew that all this was wrong. we could both feel all the negative vibes of this whole situation.
he left, i was devastated but i wasn't willing to keep in touch with him anymore. no matter how much i loved him this relationship was bad for me, it was giving me hard time and i wasn't living a happy life anymore.he tried to contact me again but i did cut him off. i was feeling extreme pain inside not having him in my life anymore. this when i stopped eating properly and i lost so much weight i was a shadow of myself in the end. trying to pretend everything is fine at work or at my family cause no one knew anything about my story and no one knew i was gay. i stopped searching for new guys on romeo i had lost my will to meet someone else.
its been 3 years since all these things happened to me. and i still can not forget about him. the pain inside is still the same i just got used to it. i tried dating other people but the fact is i didn't really want to. and i didn't met anyone else so much compatible with me as him. i know its not normal after all these years for me to not be over him. but i don't know how to. i still feel depressed inside every day and still think about him every day. i know break ups and stuff like that happen to all the people, i know people have way to bigger problems than me like serious illnesses or no money to buy food, i am aware of that, but for me what I've been through killed me inside and i have no idea how to go through it. i don't want to keep living like that. i don't live a happy life even though i look happy and funny in front of my friends and family. when i am alone at night thinking, most of the times i cry. its been 3 years i don't even know if he's fine, where is he what is he doing if he's single or not and it kills me. on the other hand sometimes i think what an asshole he is and why doesn't he care how i am? and what i am doing?
any good ideas on what i should do? how to deal with it? anyone else been in a similar situation? i need advice. i need help. i am so sorry for the long post.
thank you
