Attracted to new friend

[michaang]

This may be a bit of a long post, so if you're not up to reading feel free to skip this thread.

At the beginning of the month I went to a video game convention in Dallas (where I live) that I've gone to for 5 years now and have met lots of people like myself and had a great time. Normally I'd meet someone I had met previously online in certain gaming communities and we'd just talk more online each year, nothing too personal. Well, this year I got caught in a video dancing to a song with a group of people, and one of the cameramen (who I will label as J) showed me the video afterward, then we started talking and hanging out a bit at the convention.

Skipping some useless details, at the end of the convention I needed a ride home but wanted to stay until the last moment of the convention (as I had done in previous years, except this year I'm without a car,) and J said his girlfriend was coming in the morning to pick him up and that they could give me a ride since my place was on the way to his apartment. So we pulled an all-nighter, hung out the entire time, watched some videos and played some games together, and in the morning they drove me home.

That was 2 1/2 weeks ago. Since then, J and I have gone to his place at least -every other day- to play games, drink, or watch videos. Though sometimes that leaves me by myself because his girlfriend will want to talk to him on the phone, and they spend at least an hour arguing or fighting on the phone while he's in another room. J then comes back and apologizes, then has an awkward moment of silence, talks briefly about how complicated she is, changes the subject, and moves on. Sometimes he'll randomly start to talk about problems about her then suddenly stop and changes the subject before I can even say anything.

He's never come over to my place (aside from picking me up; he lives 10 miles from me), possibly because he knows I have a cat and he has allergy issues. However, he did bring up being roommates one night while he was on the phone with a friend, saying "IT'S ME OR THE CAT MICHAEL, YOU CAN'T HAVE US BOTH!" then giving me a huge smile. Reason why he brought that up is that his complex is raising the price of rent and his lease expires in a month, and he can't afford the new amount so he's likely going to have to move back in with his parents. (side note, I'm almost 24 and he's 26).

Anyhow, that was last week. Over the weekend he asked if I wanted to go to The Beauty Bar (which I had never heard of before), and I went along with it. It's a very very small place, as if someone took a small 1-story house and knocked out the walls, but with really good music and a lot of women. We had a great time and danced for a few hours, though even though the place was so small you could see everyone at any place or time, he didn't want me to be more than a few feet away from him. After that we went to a house party and I met quite a few of his coworkers, and we didn't go to sleep until 5am Sunday morning before we both had work.

J seems to avoid talking about his girlfriend except at random, and since the convention I haven't seen her once. He also tends to tell her on the phone that he's going to sleep when I'm actually over and we're staying up late hanging out at his apartment. I'm not entirely sure why, but I'm probably looking too much into it (and a lot of things about him, really).

Well, a few days ago I was in a really foul mood after work, and talking to him on facebook (which he made my account add him as a friend during the convention a few weeks ago without even asking me, and then telling me he did.. that was kinda forward of him) I started talking about some of my personal life struggles and what it was like growing up at my parents' (quite bad, actually), and threw in the fact that I'm gay. He didn't acknowledge that he read that I'm gay, but wanted to cheer me up and asked if I wanted company when I said I was going to just play a game the rest of the night to keep my mind off things, and I took his offer for company. I thought he wanted to come hang out at my apartment, but instead we went to his again and I spent the night yet again; I typically spend the night and sleep on his couch.

When he dropped me off back at my place yesterday morning, he asked me what I was doing in the evening, and when I told him I didn't have anything planned (as I rarely do), he suggested we go to his place again after we get off work. (side note: we both work at a restaurant, though different chains, so we work similar shifts.) Inbetween our double shifts yesterday he texts me asking if I've been to S4, which is probably the most popular gay club in Dallas. I told him I have before and had a lot of fun, then he told me he went there with a girl once and that we should go some time. Interesting that he suggested that since I slipped in the fact that I'm gay the day prior, but maybe he means that since I'd feel more comfortable there (as opposed to Beauty Bar, which was much smaller and was a straight crowd.)

Last night he picked me up over an hour later than planned since he was drinking with coworkers at another place, and we drank more at his apartment afterward then just did random things until I passed out on the couch with my glasses still on. Yesterday morning and this morning he's woken me up by standing over me and saying "Good morning, sunshine!" - he didn't start doing that until yesterday, after I outed myself the other night.

And again, when he dropped me off a few hours ago, he wanted to see about hanging out again tonight after he gets off work in the afternoon. It's like we're best friends, but he seems to -really- like spending time with me. There's also the fact that I haven't seen or talked to his girlfriend since the convention 2 1/2 weeks ago.

So is there something going on here? I find him really attractive, both physically and socially, and he's a really kind guy. I'm just afraid that like many times in the past, I'm looking too much into what's likely to be another straight friend that happens to be simply a really good friend that I have a one-way attraction to. However, I haven't spent this much time around any friend in years, to the point of being near-daily. If he picks me up again tonight it'll be the third night in a row that I'm with him, and the girlfriend is still mostly out of the picture. It's confusing to me. I met him less than 3 weeks ago and we're practically magnetized to each other's presence. He drives 10 miles to pick me up, 10 miles back to his place, then 10 miles to drive me home and another 10 to drive himself back. That's 40 miles he drives almost every day just to be around me. He also has mannerisms that set off my gaydar as well.

I don't know, it's 95% likely that J is just a nice straight guy that feels he has a lot in common with me that he doesn't get from other friends (as we're both gaming nerds, myself more than he) and would rather have company that be stuck at his apartment by himself, but we seem to have a private friendship. That and other subtle things I've mentioned seem to be leading somewhere, but I really don't know.

I'm not going to try and seduce him while he's drunk or anything like that, but my mind is flooded with the possibility that he may be interested in me, and while I should probably stop worrying about it.. I can't completely ignore this situation. It just seems off.

Well if you made it this far I thank you for taking the time to read, and if you have any thoughts or suggestions (yes - I should stop thinking about it, just be friends, and move on.. sigh), feel free to comment. I'm just not used to going from strangers to practically best friends in a matter of weeks.

 

[rd62624]

just be friends

 

[v32bone]

Sounds to me from what you've written that he is interested but may be feeling the same fears as you are about not waning to sabotage the good friendship tha you guys already have. He also may be having some difficulty with his attraction to you since he seems to identify as straight. My suggestion is to have a conversation with him about it. Perhaps begin with a hypothetical situation and ask his advice as a friend, "If you were me and you were attracted to a straight guy but didn't want to scare him away by being too forward how would you handle it?" He may most likely know what you are trying to say but I would think he would also be grateful to not be put on the spot as well.

 

[cgttown]

Ah, the "does or doesn't he?" conundrum! Those are tough for sure. I have a few thoughts and suggestions if you want to hear them. First, it sounds like he does like you as a person and likes being around you. So I'd definitely appreciate that. Second, maybe he really would like to be roommates rather than move back with the parents, and he's seeing how the time together is going. If you'd be willing to ditch the cat in order to be roommies, you should seriously discuss it. As far as the attraction goes, I'd recommend the following.

1. Next time you're hanging out and playing games and such, bring it up. Say you've felt a little awkward since you told him you were gay and he didn't really acknowledge it. Ask him, "So, you seem to be fine with my being gay. Is that true? Are you okay with it?"
2. If he says he's okay with it, then say, "Ok. Great. Well, you seemed to be okay but I didn't want to just assume."
3. Tell him honestly, "Hey, I believe in honesty with my friends and people I'm close to, and we seem to be getting close. I really like you. I like your friendship, your sense of humor, your blah, blah. I don't want to jeopardize that, but I have to be myself, you know?"
4. If he's cool with that, ask him what he likes about you. Tell him that you've not become such good friends in such a short time before. Is that how he usually operates? Is this new for him, too?
5. Later, at another time or if you are really talking (i.e. not just YOU talking, but HE is talking back and sharing), then just be straight up with him. "Hey, Bob, I really value your friendship and everything, and, to be honest, I find you attractive. Now, if you're not interested at all, I'm okay with that. Just like you can have a girl that you're friends with and not sleeping with, even if you used to like her or date her, I can handle it if you're not into men or into me or whatever. But if you might be interested, I just thought I'd let you know how I feel. No pressure."

One of the things that confuses and irritates men about women is that we don't understand how they think. They seem to say one thing but mean another, think we should understand what they are thinking even when they do not tell us what they're thinking, and more. We find them confusing and frustrating. (NOTE: This is also part of their attraction because we are just that fucked up, but go figure.) Many guys would love to have a woman who was honest enough to say, "Hey, I like you. I find you attractive. Would you want to get to know each other more?" But women don't do that very often.

If you take the direct route, don't act all pissy if he says, "Uh, no thanks. I only like females," and really deal with him honestly and directly, then you can probably keep a good friend regardless of how it goes. If he does have an interest (even a latent one right now), or if he's really frustrated by his woman, then you probably have a shot at something more.

That's my two cents. I have found that honest, no strings communication is the key to keeping a good friendship and/or relationship. You have to own your own feelings and behaviors (I think you're attractive. I like you.) but not feel compelled to control his (If you're interested, great! If you're not, that's okay. I'll be disappointed, but I'll get over it. I want your friendship regardless.).

Good luck!

 

[Teb8807]

I know you really like this guy and the amount of attention he has been giving you is a little confusing, but you should also consider some factors. A) He's looking for a roommate he not only can trust, but somebody who he can get along with and have a good time with. B) He's clearly not in a healthy relationship with his girlfriend, and he is seeking some kind of social satisfaction and companionship he lacks with her. I would say something in you opens him up and makes him feel comfortable, so I wouldn't ruin that by mentioning your sexuality again or confessing your feelings. You told him you were gay and from the sounds of it, he's not having any kind of issue with it.

I know some straight guys become distant and freaked out at first after their friends confess their sexuality, but it has only brought you guys closer from my understanding. You don't really need more confirmation than that. In other words, I wouldn't look for a reaction, because you already got his. What I would do in your situation is to continue building a strong friendship, consider if you want to be his roommate, and let nature take its course. If he's by chance gay and wants something more, he'll eventually open up. If not, do you really want to get yourself mixed up with somebody who's having a hard time accepting their sexuality?

From reading your post, it sounds like you like him more than just sexually, rather you also could possibly see yourself dating this guy, but you need to also protect yourself. I have a couple of married friends who are considered straight and love spending time with me, and go out of their way to pick me up to hang out (I don't drive). I at first too looked too much into this, and just realized they felt really comfortable around me and loved my company, and we have a loving bond.

Update: Also, he lies to his girlfriend about going to bed and hanging out with you, because he knows spending time with his friends and not her would only cause fighting later on, so he lies to her instead. I don't think it's because he's hiding you or your relationship, rather just avoiding a conflict.

 

[michaang]

Wow, didn't expect lengthy responses so soon, I appreciate it guys!

I don't want to press the issue or my interest; if he's into me at all, I think he should go with that on his own terms and time, not mine. Besides, he does currently have a relationship with a girl and I don't want to add any complications to that on his side. This is primarily my issue (I assume), not his to bare. I did tell him last week that I'm really glad I met him and he wholeheartedly agreed with me, so we're definitely both happy to be friends.

I tend to be somewhat passive-aggressive (as I live life with the notion of trying to keep a positive balance in all social interactions, which is why people like me so much; but at the same time, I put a lot of unnecessary weight on my shoulders) so being direct with him about it is something I'd rather avoid. Anger is a rare emotion for me to even have, so I wouldn't get angry if he rejected my interest - depressed if anything.

There's something I forgot to mention in my post, in the fact that I applied to a game company in California that some of my online buddies work at and are trying to help me get in. It's a job as a game developer, and it's my doorway into the industry. I've taught myself how to code since I was 11 and have been striving for this for over a decade. I had an interview over the phone the day after the convention and felt it went really well, but haven't heard back yet. If I get the job, I'd be moving to California and leaving the past ~24 years of my life behind me.

J knows this, and that's something he mentioned too ontop of the cat situation. He said last week while we were standing out in his patio "You know.. I really do hope you get the job, because that'd be perfect for you.. but at the same time, I'd be really bummed out since you'd be leaving." I can't even begin to describe the bond we've grown over these few weeks. I've never met anyone like him before.

And yes, I'm definitely interested in him more than sexually, I'd date him in half a heartbeat if I could. The element of moving to Cali is somewhat of another factor, as if I do get the job I wouldn't know what could happen if I stayed, but it's not worth the risk. I told myself if I get the job, I'm going - no questions asked. He's a very liberal person like myself, supports gay marriage, and is generally open-minded and a very kind person. Again, he's a lot like me, though we do have unique interests and mannerisms that set us apart. Furthermore, he's an Aries and I'm a Libra (if you're into the whole zodiac thing), which are opposite signs. Doing a more accurate free cross-horoscope reading, this is one excerpt from it:

"The composite Moon in the twelfth house requires the two of you to do a great deal of work that most are unwilling to do. With this house position of the Moon, the greatest danger is emotional dishonesty at the very least and sometimes open and outright dishonesty. The need here is for both of you to plunge into the relationship, find out the truth of what is going on, and face it squarely and honestly.

If you don't seek out the truth, your relationship will give you the feeling that you have been defeated in life by forces you don't understand. And when the repressed feelings finally do emerge, they will explode destructively. If, however, these feelings gradually emerge from an honest search for understanding, the wisdom you gain will make you much wiser than people who haven't had to face such a challenge."

Which seems to be completely related, but not everyone believes in horoscope readings, so you can take that with a grain of salt if you'd like.

Anyhow, in regards to his girlfriend, that is most likely the case, Teb8807. He's probably just avoiding more conflict with her since she does seem to require a lot of attention and I'm sure he doesn't want to spend *all* of his free time talking with her. She's also 20, younger than both of us, and he said he thinks he's her first boyfriend, so she's clingy.

Again thank you for your input guys, I'll keep updates if I feel the need to mention any more.

 

[THEDUDEofDestiny]

next time you're drinking say something like "oh if only you weren't straight" when he does something nice/witty and gauge his reaction. i did something similar with a lesbian once. she shot me a detested look and i said "i'm sorry i was just kidding" and we continued to hang out, but at least i knew there was no hope.

 

[michaang]

Another night with J, except I chose to go back home instead of sleeping over.

We both coincidentally got our shifts cut for the evening (meaning we weren't needed at work) and he wanted to spend more time with me, so he came over to my apartment and actually hung out here for a bit despite his supposed allergy problems. When he came in he commented on my apartment after I apologized for it being messy, saying "No your place is cute, I like it." He was petting my cat most of the time while in my room, and we just talked or watched a few videos. I showed him a few games that I have as well.

He wanted to be adventurous and go out somewhere after a bit, so we decided to go to a nearby computer store that we both like. We just browsed around for a bit, then he decided to go back to his apartment, and we did our routine hangout by playing games or whatnot. It was at this point that I realized we had been spending our entire free time together the whole week.

Eventually I felt I needed my personal space for a night and told him I wanted to head back, and he seemed a bit surprised, so I gave him a few reasons (one including that my phone had died and I didn't bring my charger) and he brought me back. We both have the day off tomorrow, and I don't know if he's going to ask me if I want to hang out again, though I do know he mentioned earlier tonight after seeming annoyed about a text message got that his girlfriend is coming to his place tomorrow. He told me that in a sullen tone followed by a sigh, which leads me to believe he isn't happy with her (at least right now).

I feel as though J and I have spent too much time together lately and that I should distance myself from him for a bit, merely because I don't want to obsess over him. Not once have I initiated spending time together, I just merely go with his requests. It just seems to me that he's very magnetized to me in some way, and it just seems unusual. I have just recently met him though, so in time I'll learn what he's really like. The lack of social mingling with other people hasn't been able to show me how he acts around other people aside from myself.

 

[michaang]

So we hadn't seen each other at all this past week as we've both been busy with work, but J wanted to come by my place after he got off work last night.

Yesterday after I got off of my afternoon shift at work, I shaved my head (as I had decided earlier this week). Having told J about this he seemed interested and texted me a few times since the day prior to see if I had done it yet. Anyhow, when he came over he said "Wow, you really did shave your head! Cool!" We proceeded to my room to listen to some music and play a new game I got on my computer, though my 2nd controller was having issues. J remembered he had leftover food from lunch and said he should head home, but offered to bring me along. I joined him of course, and off we went.

We played some competitive shoot-em-up games (not first person shooter) and he was adamant about beating me since I usually win (and I let him this time). We also watched the latest episode of Breaking Bad and were going to watch The Dark Knight, but we were both getting tired. J stated "I should probably bring you home soon. I'd have you spend the night but my girlfriend is taking me to work in the morning." Speaking of which, his facebook status the other day stated "'J' is now in a relationship", when it had said that before.. so I don't know if they had a bump in their relationship after all the fighting they've had. I didn't think to ask about it.

J drove me home and brought me all the way to the last set of bumpers (side note: his little 2-door convertible is extremely low to the ground, and my complex's bumpers are rather tall.. so it's a pain for him to go over/around them; initially he used to make me walk from the front of my complex after dropping me off), then said he had a fun time and told me to have a safe walk back to my apartment with a cute smile on his face (I could see my apartment door from the car; it's like bringing someone home to a house and telling them to have a safe walk up driveway). As I got out of the car, he added "I really like your head by the way, it looks really good" and I lowered myself to reply through the passenger window, seeing he had a big smile on his face.

I really like J.. I want to slip in the "too bad you're straight" line in sometime, but I haven't had quite the right chance to yet. Sadly, he probably is. *sigh*

 

[Teb8807]

I have a question for you, Auron. Do you ever want to ask him why he doesn't ever really want to stay at your place? I for some reason find this odd, because it would not only save him gas money from having to pick you up and take you back home, but also because he doesn't seem to like staying over your house much. What is his active life like outside of your friendship and work? Does he go out much, do you ever hear of him going over to his girlfriends house, etc? It sounds like he doesn't like going out of his comfort zone unless he has to.

Although, I don't want you to think I'm looking for problems or for something that is wrong with this guy, but I think there is more to it than maybe you know. Maybe he has panic attacks or some kind of anxiety disorder. But, I don't want to create problems where there might not be any. It just seems that every time you talk about him, either you or his girlfriend are always going over to his house, and him rarely staying at your place.

Just a thought to think about. I probably have a bad habit of always looking for someones "problem", but he seems too perfect to be true in a sense. Although, you guys are in the honeymoon phase of your friendship.

 

[michaang]

Well he supposedly has allergy issues and says he'll start sneezing a lot if he sticks around too much around my cat, but he can pet her and hold her just fine - then again, most people with cat allergies don't have any problems with my cat.

He remarked last week (Thursday I think) about how he doesn't want to hang out with his coworkers any longer, since all they seem to want to do is drink, do drugs, or party and don't talk about anything else. He says that isn't his style to be that kind of person all the time like they are.

No, I haven't hear him mention going to his girlfriend's, but there's plenty of pictures on his facebook where he's with different people, so I don't think he's that socially introverted.

As I finalize this reply, J and I are talking on facebook IM about his apartment situation.

 

[D_22]

He seems like a great guy. I could understand the situation being very annoying as you like him and it's very confusing, but I'd say it's best to just be friends with him.

 

[michaang]

After yesterday's events, I'd say 'great guy' is an understatement.

So I wake up around 11am and check my phone to see what time it is as I usually do when I wake up. I can see I have multiple messages from J, which seemed unusual for so early in the day (we're both nightdwellers for the most part). He was texted me to see if I wanted to go with his girlfriend, he, and his cousin to the flea market we went to last month. Since it was 30min after he last texted me, I checked to see if they had left yet, and they weren't going until noon - just enough time for me to get ready. So I agree to go.

This is the first time in a month I had been around his girlfriend in person since the convention we met at. She was very quiet the entire time, pretty much only talking when he was talking with her. The four of us ate at a Waffle House (for amusement purposes, and for good waffles) before going to the market. While we were looking around for games in the 100 degree cloudless heat, J kept making jokes about his girlfriend being chinese, which I kept telling him to stop doing as it was rude. Not sure why he was like that.

After a few hours we finally left and started the drive back (it's about 30-40mi away). On the drive back J and his cousin were talking about how J's parents would kill him if they found out about his girlfriend (which I didn't know at the time but later found out why.) They dropped me off back home as J was having dinner with his parents before the party, which he said he'll pick me up again afterward

Right, the party. A few days ago J texted me telling me that I need to go to the party that he's hosting for his coworker's birthday and trying to get me pumped up for it. Though I rarely go to parties, I usually go to ones where I know people and know it'll be a safe, fun environment that isn't dramatic. Since I've met some of his coworkers before (and enjoy being around him in general), I went with it and planned to go since I had the day off. I figured it'd also be nice to meet his girlfriend again and get to know her. as I try to be friends with everyone I connect with.

Almost 2 hours after being dropped off I get a call from J and he tells me he's almost at my place to pick me up, and that we need to get ice on the way to his place. On the ride out he tells me the ice is for the beer keg that is coming to the party along with other drinks, and that there's probably going to be a few dozen people there. We arrive at his apartment and I help him bring in the ice, then we start prepping for the party as the guest of honor and her boyfriend arrive with the beer keg and such. As we're icing down the beer keg and getting everything else ready, J is in the kitchen and his phone (which was in the livingroom) dings a few times that he's got a text. He tells me to check to see what it is (as we've developed a close enough friendship that I help him coordinate texts, whether reading or typing for him when he's busy), and it's his girlfriend. She's telling him that she doesn't want to come to the party, and I see a few other texts she also sent that involve her parents.

I relay the message to him quietly so as to not stir attention, and his mood drops. He immediately checks his phone and a few moments later tells me what's going on. Apparently her pure-chinese parents (they don't speak a word of english) found out about her relationship with J, probably through her older brother who she's living with, and told her that she's to move back home immediately after the school semester ends and that she can't see J any more. Later I find out it has to do with the 6 year age difference, and the fact that he's not chinese. Great, racists.

J seems to maintain his integrity through the night as more and more of his coworkers show up, eventually becoming about 25 to 30 people in his small apartment. However, this is where I become a concern. I'm supposing it had to do with sweating for several hours in the heat at the flea market, not eating the whole day, and generally having a low tolerance for alcohol as I don't drink much, but a shot or two of whiskey and 4 beers later I became very incoherent. I can't focus on anything, can barely stand, and can't seem to keep my eyes open. For a period of an hour or so I fight to keep myself awake as it'd be terrible to pass out in the livingroom with dozens of other people around. During this time period I moved around to different chairs, or sat outside on the patio against the wall. In all of those places, J came by and checked on me, asking me if I'm okay, if I'm having a good time, if I feel sick, etc. I never felt nauseous at all, just extremely tired. When I was outside on the patio and he checked on me, he lifted my hand with his and talked to me briefly, but aside from checking on me I don't remember what he said. I just remember how soft he hand felt.

At some point when I was nearly unconscious, he came up to me and quietly told me "If you want to you can sleep in my bed and get away from all the noise if you need to. This offer stands." then patted me on the shoulder and made sure I understood him. Not too long after that I went to the bathroom (which is next to the stairs that lead to his room upstairs; he has a small 2-story 1-bedroom apartment), and went upstairs as I decided I simply needed to sleep it off. I felt bad considering he was having to watch over the party, had the potential shitstorm with his girlfriend's parents sift his way, and then having to worry about me. Up until yesterday I had never gone upstairs as we always hung out in his livingroom whenever I was at his apartment, so that was also a bit new to me.

I laid down on his bed and lightly wrapped the blanket over me. His bed felt quite a bit more comfortable than mine. A few minutes later just before I would have fallen asleep, J comes upstairs to check on me again and making sure that I'm comfortable, seeing if I need any more water (as when I had become incoherent earlier, he quickly got me iced water and began watching over me), and told me if I needed anything that he's here for me. Shortly after that I was completely out, despite the roaring noises of the party downstairs.

I wake up at some point later in the night and the party seems to have finished. I hear J going downstairs and talking to a couple people, whom I figure out are the birthday girl and her boyfriend. J states he's in his boxers and apologizes, saying that I'm in his bed upstairs, and the three of them are sharing the large futon in the livingroom. I sorta feel alone at this point, but also feel hungover. He may have just not wanted to disturb me, but he apparently stripped to his boxers in his room before deciding to not share the bed with me, as the shirt and jeans he was wearing were on the floor.

Morning. I hear J talking to the birthday girl and her boyfriend again, and they're about to leave. J mentions me saying how it sucks that I missed most of the party, and the boyfriend asks J some questions, thinking I'm J's roommate (even though when talking with him last night I told him how we met), and that seems to throw J off a bit. They leave a moment later, and again I doze off.

This time I'm woken up by J very lightly moving my arm, and when I open my eyes he's clad in his boxers standing above me, asking me questions like if I know where I am, how I feel, etc and smiling the whole time. He's also checking to see when I have work and that he's about to pick up his girlfriend. As we talk I slowly start to wake up while he's getting dressed in front of me. I didn't have my glasses on though, so all I could see was his blurry figure. I remember that I have work at noon, and it's around 10:30am, so he drives me back home.

On the drive back he brings up the situation with his girlfriend and starts asking me for advice. He doesn't know if he should continue the relationship considering how complicated it's getting, and wanted to know what I thought about it. While thinking in my mind 'I'm a really, really bad person to ask this..', I essentially told him to follow his heart. We changed subjects and listened to some crazy skit on the radio, and finally got back to my apartment complex. Before getting out of the car I apologized for taking up his bed, particularly because he had to deal with the stress of the party, the situation with his girlfriend, and having him worry about me the whole night. His response was "No no no, don't worry about it. Really. I wanted to make sure you felt okay and didn't have a bad time." We exchanged smiles, and I told him what a great guy he is and thanked him. I also wished him luck with his girlfriend, as they were meeting in the morning to spend some time together and talk things through.

They're currently having dinner at his place so they seem to be doing okay for now. I'm actively working on 'friendzoning' him in my mind, as I've decided he's almost definitely straight. A straight but very kind and amazing friend.

 

[Teb8807]

It sounds like you made yourself a new bestfriend that will last a lifetime! As in reply to your last post, I was just going based off of some of the things you mentioned and it dawned on me! Details really do make a difference.

Anyways, I'm envious of your new buddy I wish I had someone like that in my life at the moment. Unfortunately, all of my friends have either moved away, or gotten married and had children, so there isn't much common interest there anymore.

And, are you disappointed that you've kind of confirmed that he's straight, or what's going through your head on that subject?

 

[michaang]

Teb8807: Yeah, we're even exploring new hobbies together, which is really cool. He's into cars and teaching me things I didn't care to know before, but now I'm slightly interested. Not just because of him, but because I actually do find those things interesting. Now we're diving into circuit electronics and soldering, etc. I'll mention that later in this post. As for how I feel that I've come to the conclusion that he's straight.. well..

He's dating a girl that he really cares about. He talks about certain girls from work, about other girls at the party with coworkers the other day, etc. He also moves his arm away if it bumps mine when we're in his car (like when I have my elbow resting on the console between the seats), or shifts slightly away from me if our knees get close on the couch, etc. Though his personal space seems to have shrunk slightly over the past month, he still has personal space from me. He also just seems to be very open with me in general, not because he's interested. That's how I conclude he's likely to be straight - that, and it's probably best for me that way.


Now for the update from Monday and Tuesday..

Via texting and facebook IM, we built a list of components we needed for his VGA mod. J had a lot of things unxpectedly come up with his girlfriend and dinner with his parents. After all of that he came to pick me up so we could head to Fry's for parts. We arrived right before they closed, and didn't find all of the things we needed - only about half of them. The idea was to get all of the parts and go to his friend's house to use his dremmel and soldering iron (as neither J nor I have either) to do the mod, but we went over to his friend's house anyways and played some games.

Eventually we headed back to J's house, with plans to visit his friend again the following day (Tuesday) after finding the rest of the parts at another Fry's location. Since I hadn't seen the latest episode of Breaking Bad, J insisted that we watch it. About a quarter of the way through the episode, he fell asleep next to me on the couch. A short time after that I fell asleep as well, almost laying against him. I awoke in the morning with him in his work uniform trying to wake me up. After he drove me home he said he'd text me as soon as he got off work so we could finish finding the other parts.

Since my apartment complex's office was closed the past two days I hadn't been able to pay rent, so I immediately did that after getting home in the morning. For some reason I still felt extremely tired and passed out on my bed. Before I knew it, I awoke in the early afternoon with a text message from J asking me if I was still at home. I told him I was, and he immediately replied that he was about to head to my place. I took a shower and got dressed, then continued working on my 'video game room' conversion I started in my livingroom (which previously I never used). As I was setting up my sound system, J called my phone and told me to open my door (which I heard in stereo, since I was right by the door). We hung out for a bit since his friend wasn't going to be home for a few hours, and I introduced him to some offbeat games he hadn't tried before.

About an hour later we leave to visit another Fry's for some parts (since the other one was out of stock on several things we needed). After a bit of looking around and some help from the guys working there, we found all the remaining components we needed except a stripboard. Left with only one other store to visit, we drove another 20 miles to get that last part. It felt a bit adventurous (though very nerdy, of course.) On the way back we stopped at Chipotle to eat. J's car doesn't have working air conditioning and it was about 100 degrees today, so we had been sweating the whole time we were driving around north DFW. As were walking into Chipotle, J asked me if his butt looked wet. The question almost made me stumble my words, so I went "Um.." and looked down at his butt. It was hard to tell since he was wearing black pants (still in his waiter uniform from work, as he came directly from work to my place earlier), but I could tell it was fairly wet in the middle. Ahem. I told him that his rear was a bit soaked, and he said he figured it was since he could feel it. I decided to ask him if mine did was too, and walked in front of him when he opened the door for me. He said mine looked completely dry and seemed amazed.

J decided to head back to his place after we finished eating and finish the last half of Breaking Bad since we both fell asleep last night. He also got a text from his friend telling him that it we couldn't do our project today since he had a bunch of plans come up. Bummer. When we got back, J went upstairs to change out of his work clothes and started talking to me about the project we were trying to do. For some reason he came downstairs changed into his regular clothes, but hadn't put on his shirt and instead carried it with him when he went downstairs. He sat at the computer and we pulled up videos for something (I can't remember at the moment), then over the course of a few minutes he put on and eventually buttoned his shirt. I was a bit surprised (and turned on) by this, but I suppose he's just becoming more and more comfortable with me.

After watching the cliffhanger of the season for Breaking Bad, watching videos on how to solder (as neither of us knew how before), and playing some other games, I told J I should head home to do laundry before I begin my all-day/all-week shifts at work. He got distracted and got me to do a few other activities for a while before we actually left, though I don't know if he intentionally did so to keep me around longer.

Just before I got out of the car after J brought me back home, we talked about how excited we are for the electronics project we've started, and how fun it is to be with each other. I then told him "You know.. to me you're like a brother that I never got to have." He replied with "Aww. You are to me, too!" and a big smile. I got out of the car and we exchanged our goodbyes, and he told me he'd message me tomorrow.


I'm still amazed that we've grown such a great bond in a single month. Given how much time we've spent together though (A LOT!), I guess that's to be expected.

 

[BigInBellevue]

I find this to be very interesting reading. One reason may be that I had a close friend for five years who no longer speaks to me because he finally deduced that I like men. I cannot understand this because I never made any overt sexual advances. Your situation is different, because your friend knows you are gay. But do be careful in how you handle the situation. I hope that you both remain friends no matter what happens.

 

[Tense0000]

Good luck with the friendship. Its hard to not show other feelings.

 

[Hijetala]

Love this thread. had a pretty similar situation long time ago, had no idea what to do and eventually he moved away and we no longer see each other. pity.
you kind of hooked me up on the story, any news between you guys?

 

[michaang]

BigInBellevue: Sorry to hear about your 'friend', apparently his thoughts toward homosexuals was more important than the friendship you had. I will be careful though, however I do plan on telling J about my feelings. It's a matter of how and when.

Tense0000: Thank you, and it really is..

Hijetala: That's a shame you didn't get to find out, but maybe you'll run across him again some day. I haven't seen J in almost a week because of my work schedule being incredibly busy (I worked 9 shifts in a row before my day off), so I didn't see him until last night.

We had plans to practice some soldering last night, though J was with his girlfriend studying at the library, and then they went to eat korean food. He texted me while they were eating asking if I could take the DART (Dallas's public transit train system) on my bike to get to his place instead of picking me up since he was with her, and I figured why not? Once I got there he opened up the door without a shirt on and let me in, then let me know she was still there upstairs but resting since she was sick. He then went up there to put a shirt on and came back downstairs.

At around 11pm he realized that his girlfriend needed to get back home and went to wake her up, then we went outside to talk on the patio and have a smoke and talk. He started asking me what first person shooter games I would recommend for her to learn from, since she wasn't used to controls and he was trying to get her into that type of game. As we went inside we concluded she needed to play Portal, and as he was gathering his keys/wallet/etc he told her "We decided you need to play Portal! You should play it when you get home!" and she immediately yelled at him "NO. I'm going to go home and SLEEP!" then opened the front door and walked outside and shut the door. J looked at me and rolled his eyes, smiled, and said he'll be right back (as he was driving her home) then was gone for about 20 minutes.

J and I finally started to practice soldering, and we figured out it's a bit harder than it looks in the videos we've watched. Just takes practice like anything else, I guess. He kept getting distracted with a variety of things on the internet and we watched a documentary on Arduinos, and he also read up on some programming tutorials as I talked with him.

During this time I was sitting right next to him in another chair and we were both barefoot. At one point he rested his left foot on my right foot and didn't move it for a few minutes, though his toe moved a few times. I tried not to think about it much, but considering he usually moves away when he accidently touches me it made me wonder; probably nothing I guess..

As it was brought up a week or two ago that I hadn't seen The Shining yet, J decided we needed to watch it, though it was already getting very late (about 2am). As the movie started he began saying "You know how you said last week how I'm like a lost brother you never got to have? I really feel that's true..", then we reminisced over the past month and how we met, and I told him how great I thought he is. I had a goofy smile on my face for a few minutes after that, although I don't know if he noticed.

About 20 minutes into the movie he realized how late it was and said he needed to go to bed since he had work at 10:30am, and I decided I should get my sleep as well. So nothing much happened yesterday, and I still haven't figured out how or when to tell him that I have feelings for him. We'll see..

 

[hrdhatdad]

Didn't you mention that he had a g/f? Hey...I'm all for honesty but I wouldn't even tell a gay friend that I had feelings for him if he was involved with someone. In my opinion, that breaks a boundry between friends. Why not wait until he is single?