I just want to preface this by saying that my BDSM experience is not all that great, so take all of this with a grain of salt.
This is tough, and I am going to make some assumptions based on wording that you have made (and not made). It looks like you are looking for your BDSM relationship to extend outside of the bedroom, but your former partner was less enthusiastic about that. As was said in the earlier post, that is a problem because the two of you didn’t communicate your desires properly when getting together. In a BDSM context, even more so than in other relationships, communication is paramount, especially before entering into the relationship.
A common mistake is not separating out total top/total bottom from a BDSM role and separating out a BDSM sexual role from a BDSM relationship role. I’m not sure that is true in your case, specifically. But some of your wording indicates this to me, but I could be reading you wrong. You mention that he wanted a greater sense of equality in the relationship and wants to be able to lean on you. I take that to mean that outside the bedroom he wanted a more equal relationship so that when he has a tough day at work or with friends or family he can come back home with you and be, at least, somewhat vulnerable with you, and not feel judged that he is being a bad dom for that. Your third question “Do dom/sub relationships have to be superficial to work?” indicates to me that you want the BDSM roles to extend outside the bedroom. That is 100% fine, but it doesn’t seem that is what he wanted. 100% bottom DOES NOT equate to that. I’m not sure exactly what role you ARE looking for outside the bedroom, but my guess is that you are looking for something along the lines of a house slave or house servant sub role, or at least, along that continuum somewhere, where you are engaging in a very submissive role outside the bedroom. But as he mentioned he is looking for something more equal. 100% total bottom means TO ME, a person who only bottoms in the sexual relationship, and maybe is submissive in bed. TO ME, it is not indicative of anything outside the bedroom. It appears to mean something different for you. So, in the future, instead of using code words, spell out all of your desires in and out of the bedroom. You future doms deserve to understand your desires going in (and you deserve to understand their long-term desires), LONG before the clothes come off. Don’t rush in. Err on the side of too much communication.
As for your first question, no I don’t think that is true. But what your former dom needed wasn’t something you were offering. You need to find a dom who wants the BDSM relationship to extend further outside the bedroom, if I am correct about your desires. They are out there, but be warned it can be fraught with danger. The kind of doms you are looking for, inherently are not the kind of men who compartmentalize their need to dominate very well. Hence this is why they are looking to extend the BDSM relationship outside the bedroom. I guess I am dancing around the issue I am trying to make as it is stereotypical and somewhat unfair. What I am trying to say is that you need to be aware that the kinds of doms you are looking for tend to somewhat more likely to be abusive (not just physically) and you need to be extra cautious about that given your own submissive desires. Just as the afore mentioned kind of dom is somewhat more likely to be abusive (note the words somewhat and likely, it is not even remotely close to a sure thing), you, as that kind of sub, are more likely going to be a victim of abuse. I bring this up because of how you phrased things in your post. It seemed like you were blaming yourself, or that there was something wrong with you, or that you would not be capable of finding the right kind of relationship because of your kind of submissive desires. The kinds of people who instinctively blame themselves are the kinds of people who tend to end up being long term abuse victims. To help prove my point, no where in your post did you blame him at all. You only blamed yourself or indicated there was something wrong about your desires, but never him or his desires. This makes me very concerned about your future in the BDSM world. I know it may seem contradictory, but as a sub, you MUST be able to stand up for yourself or some asshole abuser posing as a dom will end up abusing you and you will just take it and live with it long-term. If you never said to yourself something along the lines of “If a more equal relationship is what you wanted why the fuck didn’t you say that going in?” then you need to find some fellow subs and learn to develop those skills. A very good dom can help too, but, in my opinion, a sub is in a better position to help you without creating a risky environment for you.
As for your second question, it was only less desirable for him. You just need to find the right kind of dom for YOU. And as I mentioned, you need to talk this out ahead of time, long before the clothes come off.
The last question is a bit tricky as it is laden with stereotypical traps. Go back to those old ‘50’s TV shows with the husband/father sitting at the table reading the newspaper with the wife/mother doing all the cooking/cleaning/etc. No one though that was odd or not couldn’t work with children. It was conducive to that kind of dom/sub relationship (which admittedly was a product of Hollywood fantasy). I don’t see why that couldn’t kind of work for your kind of gay BDSM couple. And please don’t think I’m trying to feminize you or your role. Men, all the time take on submissive roles in society and we applaud them for it. Look at the military. Men take orders from other men there all the time, and sometimes in horrible, dangerous situations. No one, apart maybe from the current US President, thinks that makes them any less desirable or masculine. Unfortunately, that’s kind of the best answer I can give you on the subject, without understanding more about your concerns.
