Does age matter?
- Thread starter Txherefordbull
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You know, this question isn't about age at all.
It is a matter of leaving a comfort zone you have had for going on 3 decades.
It is a matter of leaving a comfort zone you have had for going on 3 decades.
thats is what I thought too.....but just went with it .... Nice pics btw
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The lpSg community has a been a huge comfort to me in times of need, so I feel an obligation to respond here. My comments are directed specifically at Txherefordbull.
First of all, please know that you are not alone in your situation. I and others here on LPSG have been walking very similar paths. I am about your same age, I am also married (20 years) with children. To the world, I have been living an external life of a heterosexual family man with a successful career, comfortable home ... all of that. I had my first real MM experimentation with a college roomie (it ended badly), but then nothing after that. I graduated, started a career, got married, bought a house, had kids ... American dream stuff.
I thought my MM curiosities/desires were dead, but then about 10 years ago I gradually started exploring again (I'm not a gay bar kind of guy, but the internet made it too damn easy). It started out tame, but over a period of years it progressed to a near-complete embrace of almost every homosexual experience (including anon Craigslist encounters, bath house sex, group sex, etc). Rather than making it go away, scratching the itch only opened the door to more exploration.
Several months ago, I met a young guy half my age. Although neither of us is exclusive about it, a sexual and dating relationship has evolved and we see each other multiple times a week. I've never really understood the daddy-love thing (why would a handsome young guy be attracted to an oldster like me?), but I have come to understand that it is very real. There are many young gay guys who are drawn to daddy types. Even though I am in one of these relationships, I still don't get it. Age actually seems to work in my favor at times. His attention can be hugely flattering to my ego and I hope I am giving back to him in different ways. It is invigorating and just plain fun to live the life of a young person again (how quickly we forget). It is also satisfying to share wisdom that only comes from life experience (daddies sometimes act like actual fathers in giving advice).
To be sure, there are unique challenges with these older/younger relationships. The drama of youth should be an expected annoyance. As the older partner, you must strictly follow Dan Savage's Campsite Rule ( https://danq.me/2008/05/14/campsite/ ). And you must also reconcile yourself to the idea impermanence - that your relationship will likely be just a phase you are both passing through. Neither of us knows where this is going, but it will be an exciting ride for sure.
I never expected or sought after this kind of relationship at this stage in my life - it just happened in a very unexpected way. But I have decided to embrace serendipity and live life to the fullest with this unlikely opportunity.
You are experiencing a classic mid-life crisis. It is familiar territory to many of us. I can't explain it, but sexuality can take a sharp left turn at this stage of life. As you stare at mortality in the mirror, you question your current life, past choices, and future direction. It is so common that it becomes a cliche. Many jokes are made about men having a mid-life crisis, but I take it very seriously. It is no joking matter to me. I have seen more than one guy blow up his life over these issues. While I navigate these treacherous waters, I have vowed not to throw away the good things in my life and not deliberately hurt innocent people with my choices. I depend on compartmentalization skills. It is not clean, it is not pretty, but it is my imperfect life. I am making mistakes and learning as I go.
You have taken the bold step to share this with your wife and parents. That is where you situation departs from my own. I don't have all the answers (for myself or for anyone else). I simply advise caution - especially because children are involved. It is surprising to see the caring wisdom that can sometimes emerge from a forum devoted to large penises (a most unlikely source). In my own journey, I have been helped enormously by some here in the LPSG community (thank you). If my experience can be of help in your situation, I am happy to discuss more.
Life can be so complicated at times. Good luck to you, whatever you decide.
First of all, please know that you are not alone in your situation. I and others here on LPSG have been walking very similar paths. I am about your same age, I am also married (20 years) with children. To the world, I have been living an external life of a heterosexual family man with a successful career, comfortable home ... all of that. I had my first real MM experimentation with a college roomie (it ended badly), but then nothing after that. I graduated, started a career, got married, bought a house, had kids ... American dream stuff.
I thought my MM curiosities/desires were dead, but then about 10 years ago I gradually started exploring again (I'm not a gay bar kind of guy, but the internet made it too damn easy). It started out tame, but over a period of years it progressed to a near-complete embrace of almost every homosexual experience (including anon Craigslist encounters, bath house sex, group sex, etc). Rather than making it go away, scratching the itch only opened the door to more exploration.
Several months ago, I met a young guy half my age. Although neither of us is exclusive about it, a sexual and dating relationship has evolved and we see each other multiple times a week. I've never really understood the daddy-love thing (why would a handsome young guy be attracted to an oldster like me?), but I have come to understand that it is very real. There are many young gay guys who are drawn to daddy types. Even though I am in one of these relationships, I still don't get it. Age actually seems to work in my favor at times. His attention can be hugely flattering to my ego and I hope I am giving back to him in different ways. It is invigorating and just plain fun to live the life of a young person again (how quickly we forget). It is also satisfying to share wisdom that only comes from life experience (daddies sometimes act like actual fathers in giving advice).
To be sure, there are unique challenges with these older/younger relationships. The drama of youth should be an expected annoyance. As the older partner, you must strictly follow Dan Savage's Campsite Rule ( https://danq.me/2008/05/14/campsite/ ). And you must also reconcile yourself to the idea impermanence - that your relationship will likely be just a phase you are both passing through. Neither of us knows where this is going, but it will be an exciting ride for sure.
I never expected or sought after this kind of relationship at this stage in my life - it just happened in a very unexpected way. But I have decided to embrace serendipity and live life to the fullest with this unlikely opportunity.
You are experiencing a classic mid-life crisis. It is familiar territory to many of us. I can't explain it, but sexuality can take a sharp left turn at this stage of life. As you stare at mortality in the mirror, you question your current life, past choices, and future direction. It is so common that it becomes a cliche. Many jokes are made about men having a mid-life crisis, but I take it very seriously. It is no joking matter to me. I have seen more than one guy blow up his life over these issues. While I navigate these treacherous waters, I have vowed not to throw away the good things in my life and not deliberately hurt innocent people with my choices. I depend on compartmentalization skills. It is not clean, it is not pretty, but it is my imperfect life. I am making mistakes and learning as I go.
You have taken the bold step to share this with your wife and parents. That is where you situation departs from my own. I don't have all the answers (for myself or for anyone else). I simply advise caution - especially because children are involved. It is surprising to see the caring wisdom that can sometimes emerge from a forum devoted to large penises (a most unlikely source). In my own journey, I have been helped enormously by some here in the LPSG community (thank you). If my experience can be of help in your situation, I am happy to discuss more.
Life can be so complicated at times. Good luck to you, whatever you decide.
Oh man - thank you so much for taking the time to share all that. I totally relate to everything that you said. I may send you a private message with the hopes of maybe being able to speak with you on the phone.
I agree - what a strange place to get advice on issues with such significant consequences. I have just exited an interesting meeting with a trusted confidant and I can certainly say that while I still don't have the answers, it is a definite help to hear other people talk about their experiences. I am torn between the nice, All-American life that I have worked so hard for and the possibility of a more fulfilling life (for me AND my wife). I fear that staying together has the potential to make both of us bitter old people but I also fear that parting will create a lasting heartache that cannot be overcome by any gay relationship - whether with this guy or someone else.
I have opened the door. Now I have to decide whether or not to walk through it. Thank you again soooooo much for taking the time to share all this with me.
This pretty much mirrors my experience and sentiment.
Very well written thead.
There are many issues obviously. In one post you mentioned that your financial situation was good now, and would still be okay after a divorce, and wondered if that should matter. In life all things matter. While it is good to know you would have the resources to build a new life without your wife and kids under roof, it matters more that you would be able to make sure your financial obligations - moral and legal can be met. Believe me it matters.
The next question is how does your lover feel about this? He knew you were married early into your relationship. What are his expectations? Did he ever see you two living together? In he ready to know your children and spend time with them? Sooner or later that is a factor. Since your relationship has been limited to hook ups and quiet dates is he ready to have you in his life everyday? How does he think his parents will react when their new son in law is a peer of theirs, not as much of their sons? It can work - but it will take some work too.
Would your boyfriend want children with you - adoption? in vitro? Is being a parent of a young child on your radar? Its more likely now than ever.
Your wife is clearly a blessing. What does she want? Is she okay knowing that the intimacy level is probably not going to change, or even diminish? Is she okay with you seeing this guy or other men? If so will see to seek companionship with someone else?
The relationship itself can be very workable - even a long term one. Straight couples break up all the time and there have been few of the pressures on those relationships that same sex relationships have had to overcome. People change, get sick, get hit by busses - and sometimes grow apart of are unfaithful. Every relationship is facing those issues - so I don't feel your relationship with a younger man is more or less perilous than a straight one, or the one you are in right now.
I can only tell you what I would do - based on what I have done in my life. It may not fit you as well.
If the b/f wants to build a life with you and you him - with all the baggage you have to work with (EVERYONE has baggage - I'm not slamming you) then I would say proceed. It gives everyone involved the most opportunity to be happy longer than staying as you are now.
Your wife could find someone who can be the husband she needs all the time, you can fulfill yourself and be happy for the rest of your life - or until a dumping occurs. There are no guarantees.
This would be difficult for your kids, but it would be better over the long haul that you were honest with them and by doing so set an example of integrity by doing so. Its hard to imagine, but if you continue as you are, they are going to find out in a bad way and be really badly hurt. This too is a factor. As parents you have an obligation to be an honorable member of the family. It is the most important thing a parent does.
Nothing I'm saying is absolute. There are many variations and adjustments you and your wife can make that can work out perfectly for you both. The only absolute is honesty and listening to your heart.
If you stay would your wife expect you to give the b/f up? Would future relationships be deal breakers? What price is too great to pay? That question flows a number of ways here.
I wish your situation was more cut and dried, but life usually is what it is, not what we hope it will be. What ideally do you want to do? To me, that is what YOU should be asking, and weighing. I wish you all the best as you sort it out.
There are many issues obviously. In one post you mentioned that your financial situation was good now, and would still be okay after a divorce, and wondered if that should matter. In life all things matter. While it is good to know you would have the resources to build a new life without your wife and kids under roof, it matters more that you would be able to make sure your financial obligations - moral and legal can be met. Believe me it matters.
The next question is how does your lover feel about this? He knew you were married early into your relationship. What are his expectations? Did he ever see you two living together? In he ready to know your children and spend time with them? Sooner or later that is a factor. Since your relationship has been limited to hook ups and quiet dates is he ready to have you in his life everyday? How does he think his parents will react when their new son in law is a peer of theirs, not as much of their sons? It can work - but it will take some work too.
Would your boyfriend want children with you - adoption? in vitro? Is being a parent of a young child on your radar? Its more likely now than ever.
Your wife is clearly a blessing. What does she want? Is she okay knowing that the intimacy level is probably not going to change, or even diminish? Is she okay with you seeing this guy or other men? If so will see to seek companionship with someone else?
The relationship itself can be very workable - even a long term one. Straight couples break up all the time and there have been few of the pressures on those relationships that same sex relationships have had to overcome. People change, get sick, get hit by busses - and sometimes grow apart of are unfaithful. Every relationship is facing those issues - so I don't feel your relationship with a younger man is more or less perilous than a straight one, or the one you are in right now.
I can only tell you what I would do - based on what I have done in my life. It may not fit you as well.
If the b/f wants to build a life with you and you him - with all the baggage you have to work with (EVERYONE has baggage - I'm not slamming you) then I would say proceed. It gives everyone involved the most opportunity to be happy longer than staying as you are now.
Your wife could find someone who can be the husband she needs all the time, you can fulfill yourself and be happy for the rest of your life - or until a dumping occurs. There are no guarantees.
This would be difficult for your kids, but it would be better over the long haul that you were honest with them and by doing so set an example of integrity by doing so. Its hard to imagine, but if you continue as you are, they are going to find out in a bad way and be really badly hurt. This too is a factor. As parents you have an obligation to be an honorable member of the family. It is the most important thing a parent does.
Nothing I'm saying is absolute. There are many variations and adjustments you and your wife can make that can work out perfectly for you both. The only absolute is honesty and listening to your heart.
If you stay would your wife expect you to give the b/f up? Would future relationships be deal breakers? What price is too great to pay? That question flows a number of ways here.
I wish your situation was more cut and dried, but life usually is what it is, not what we hope it will be. What ideally do you want to do? To me, that is what YOU should be asking, and weighing. I wish you all the best as you sort it out.
I can not tell you how grateful I am for this (and other) post. To answer a few of your questions:
1. I can not say how the other guy will feel. I have low expectations despite my feelings. He has given me no signal either way other than he says that he was starting to have those feelings at one time but squelched them due to my circumstances. I do not feel like my decision rests solely on whether or not that relationship will ever proceed but in whether or not I want a relationship of that type. That applies to me and my wife.
2. My wife is probably willing to accept the occasional non-emotional tryst but she is pretty set that this one guy is off limits.
3. Yes, I have thought about the possibility of children. I always wanted more and although I am getting a little old, I do still have the kick in me and would love to give parenting another stab in an environment that seemed more natural to me.
4. I can only imagine what meeting his parents or him meeting mine would be like. I can only say that at least for my family, it would definitely take off some of the pressure that my siblings and others get from my parents. They would probably pay me just to create a diversion. I would completely understand his family giving me the cold shoulder but I do think that with his support, they would come to see that I'm really a nice guy.
Thank so much for your time and detail. I really do appreciate that you and the others on here would take the time to help support a total stranger.
Section one and three of your reply really clearly point to what you want to do.
sangheili90
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I think you should discuss this with your wife, as you said she was very supportive.
I feel sorry for gay men who feel that they have to live a lie, I'm hoping that with the more tolerant view of homosexuality in the western world will allow such people to live the life they truly want.
I feel sorry for gay men who feel that they have to live a lie, I'm hoping that with the more tolerant view of homosexuality in the western world will allow such people to live the life they truly want.
Does age matter? Well, it seems to matter to you. Otherwise you wouldn't be asking anonymous strangers about it.
My only caution is that a large difference in age seems to correlate with a higher possibility of exploitation by one or both parties. Setting the ground rules up front can help avoid that.
My only caution is that a large difference in age seems to correlate with a higher possibility of exploitation by one or both parties. Setting the ground rules up front can help avoid that.
- Heat,
Several have referred to this situation in the framework of "gay vs. straight." It makes me wonder what you would do if it were a younger woman that you had fallen for in an extra-marital affair. Would you be nervous about her parents? Would you leave your wife? Just curious about your answers ...
The problem with the early stages of any relationship is that euphoric feeling one feels. The thrill of the new (and in this case it's all new) is so overwhelming that it overpowers any rational thoughts. I think the issue really is, not the possibility of leaving your wife for "this guy", but leaving your wife for yourself, for what is best for you. I don't mean that in a selfish way at all. Although your wife claims she wants to stay in the marriage (it must be very hard to even imagine giving up a life and starting over) I can't help but wonder how long that can last. Will she begin to mistrust you every time you come hope later than usual or have "something to do". Will she accuse you of seeing this guy when she says it's off limits? Keeping emotions out of hookups can be very hard unless they are always one time only.
When you came clean and told your wife do you think that possibly you wanted her to end things? I've never been in your situation but I do know that when I accepted the fact that I was gay and came out, my life finally started. It was like a new fresh start. Good luck.
When you came clean and told your wife do you think that possibly you wanted her to end things? I've never been in your situation but I do know that when I accepted the fact that I was gay and came out, my life finally started. It was like a new fresh start. Good luck.
twoton
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This was the first question that crossed my mind.
To clarify--your wife knows and is willing to stay married to you, as long as your FWB/paramour is out of the picture. Was her assent accompanied by a "never again' ultimatum? Or was it "never again with him"?
There are lots of marriages that survive infidelity, but probably not too many that survive ongoing infidelity. If I were in a situation where my wife found a woman that she fooled around with, I might be able to get past it but there'd always be the fear that she would develop a romantic connection that would supplant me.
You might be able to "start over" with a younger lover, but would your wife be able to move on? She's spent the best years of her life with you.
The grass is always greener. For now, it seems you've been able to have your cake and eat it,too. You've been able to drink the milk without buying the cow.
(BTW, I voted to stick with your wife)
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I was thinking the same thing. There has been an outpouring of support for Txhere and his situation as he stands at a crossroad along his life's path and that is what LPSG is, a support group. Personally I have a rather diminished view of cheaters when they are already n a committed relationship. This applies to cheating with a younger man; or a younger man.
You are fortunate to have such an understanding wife; and I hope your decision what ever it may be will be made with your family and their needs and feelings being equally factored into your decision
Good Luck
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Huge changes are being contemplated (leaving wife and family), but I am struck with how little confirmation/affirmation the young BF has given. Yikes! "He has given me no signal either way other than he says that he was starting to have those feelings at one time but squelched them due to my circumstances."
And let's not forget there are children in this situation. My thoughts keep going back to how the children will be impacted by these decisions. Being true to yourself is important, but I believe a larger responsibility exists to provide a stable home environment until children are out of the house. I grew up in a disrupted family, so I have first-hand knowledge/experience. The ensuing problems can last a lifetime and even transfer to subsequent generations - not pretty.
I've been shocked to learn how some marriages operate under all kinds of flexible arrangements and unique understandings. What works for one couple may be inconceivable for another couple. The only rule seems to be that there are no rules.
So true. Playing with fire will get you burned (I have been).
That Novaboy has much wisdom.
twoton
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Absolutely agree. There are lots of people who grew up with divorced parents and they're fine. Then there is a good friend of mine whose parents divorced when he was young and he says he would never put his kids through a divorce. Even though my own parents were miserable for most of their marriage, I am thankful they stayed together.
If there's an abusive or dangerous situation, then there are few or maybe no options. But when it's a matter of personal choice and happiness, sometimes those desires have to take a back seat.
notN2pussy
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I want to toss one more thing into this if I can? Divorced parents, both had married once and did again after this. Loved both my step parents very much! Still close to the one alive.
