Does age matter?

[Novaboy]

If the "other person" was a woman it would be a slightly simpler situation. I see that as a more straightforward question about honouring your commitment. The fact that it's a man/man issue has the extra complicated element of the OP coming to terms with his true self on top of the commitment issues etc.

 

[bi_todd]

If I were in a situation where my wife found a woman that she fooled around with, I might be able to get past it but there'd always be the fear that she would develop a romantic connection that would supplant me.

After seeing your pics, I don't think you need to worry about any lesbians stealing your wife away.

Just sayin'.

 

[keenobserver]

I was thinking the same thing. There has been an outpouring of support for Txhere and his situation as he stands at a crossroad along his life's path and that is what LPSG is, a support group. Personally I have a rather diminished view of cheaters when they are already n a committed relationship. This applies to cheating with a younger man; or a younger man.

You are fortunate to have such an understanding wife; and I hope your decision what ever it may be will be made with your family and their needs and feelings being equally factored into your decision

Good Luck

It is a fair question, but speaking for myself I am not lumping the op in the category of typical cheater. Yes, he did cheat by being intimate with another person, who in this case was a man. There is no way around that. I too have my own issues with breaking commitments to partners / spouses and the hurt that it inflicts on everyone.

The distinction I focused on was the affair was with another man - not merely a younger woman. That is a big mitigation in my perception of the situation. This isn't a guy who was looking for a newer, younger version of his wife, or "the girl of his dreams." It was a big change. He is acting on feelings that have been suppressed or denied most of his life. Yet, knowing it could end badly in an acrimonious divorce and family break apart - he pursued it - followed if not his original heart, a long held desire. To do that this was more than horniness taking over - it was a profound need.

Yes, in an ideal world he would have freely resolved this before getting married and having kids, but societal pressures being what they are, it is understandable.

He wasn't, in the op just asking about getting a younger lover to replace his wife - he is wondering about seriously changing his entire public identity. He is thinking about transitioning from traditionally married to whole different guy in the eyes of every person who has ever known and depended on him. That is pretty big.

For that reason I am not making an issue of the infidelity per se as I am encouraging him to evaluate all aspects of this and ask the question is he ready to pay for this transition? Will it be worth the sacrifice? Only he knows, or can understand what the impact on himself and others will be. Since he has talked to his wife without getting killed or served it seems like everyone really is trying to sort out that larger issue.

For that reason, the cheating issue was not / is not on my radar, although I do respect why it really is an issue.

 

[FelixM]

It seems like it does matter to most people...I'll admit when I was younger I didn't wanna be with someone old enough to be my dad....I would hook up with a guy 10-20 years older than me sometimes...if a guy is still decent looking in his 40s and 50s I don't mind...I just ant someone who will treat me good and like me for me...that's all I care about

 

[Frodo46888]

You have a lot invested in your present family, and you'd be throwing much of it away to risk a new relationship that might not last.

 

[916416]

I wouldn't leave the marriage and your wife. 9 months vs 23 years. There is a high likelihood that once you end the marriage things are not as fun with the guy as they seem to be now.

Your decision. Best of luck.

 

[deleted136887]

Frodo has good sense.
Fucking is great ....[short term gratification]
Meaningful interaction is a different ballgame.

 

[AlteredEgo]

Hello All - I am a gay man who has lived a closeted, married-with-children, life and am 50 years old. Although I feel sure I am gay (to the bone), I have lived a professional, heterosexual, married life for the past 23 years. I guess a perfect storm hit me over the past year. Something did for sure. I have never believed much in gay relationships because the ones I was exposed to (even from a distance) never seemed to last very long, were not monogamous, and usually ended very ugly. I never felt interested in being with a man in a "loving" kind of way. It was just always purely physical.
I met a younger man in January and over the course of several months, we hooked up about twice a week. I never really thought too much about it. I enjoyed the physical part of our relationship but just never even thought about anything more. We never hugged. We never kissed. It was pretty much getting straight down to business. As my summer vacation neared, it crept into my mind that I would not see him for several weeks. For the first time, I realized I was going to miss him and then once the time actually arrived, it came into my mind that perhaps he meant more to me than I thought possible. I think he had some of the same feelings, at least at one point, but he says that he just always kept himself from it because he knew it would end up in disaster for me and him both.
My vacation was a disaster. I discovered that I didn't just miss him a little, but a whole lot. I found myself wanting to hug him, kiss him, and just be with him in general. It finally began to sink in that I had lived all these years on the backdrop of a lie, had knowingly drug a beautiful woman into a marriage with a lot less intimacy than there should have been, and had myself missed out on however many potential meaningful relationships that had crossed my path over all those years. I came clean to my wife (and parents) and told her everything. As I expected, she was very supportive and actually wants to stay together. (We are both very successful, have wonderful children, great friends, and a very, very comfortable and financially secure existence.)
My question is this. Should I escape this comfortable existence in search of the possible true romance? Just how totally foolish am I to change gears at this point in my life? Should I just resolve to live out the life as I have lived it thus far? Is there any possible way that a relationship with a nearly 30 year spread can work?

You made your bed, and you did it on purpose. You owe your wife certain things. If she doesn't want you to go, you owe her staying. That's it. Continue to take care of the situation YOU created. Personal responsibility.

 

[keenobserver]

You made your bed, and you did it on purpose. You owe your wife certain things. If she doesn't want you to go, you owe her staying. That's it. Continue to take care of the situation YOU created. Personal responsibility.

Well, I'm all for personal responsibility - and yes, he "made this situation" and he has obligations. HOWEVER - if he has transitioned for whatever reason to a new sexual and emotional dynamic then things will need to change. Marriages can be made, and taken apart without killing oneself or partner emotionally. Staying together simply for an old promise or for the sake of the kids is not really going to produce a good outcome for anyone - most of all the kids.

I do think this is not a simple right or wrong situation and the OP does show a lot of regard for the spouse and other circumstances involved. Both partners have a point of view that needs to be considered carefully. If the op is drawn to men that is a change that alters the original marriage a lot. He's already been unfaithful, and even if the relationship with his bf falters he has entered new territory that his wife may never be able to equal.

How corrosive will it be for her knowing that he wants to be with someone else and does not love her as she deserves? What will this new tension do to the fabric of his relationships with his children? Sooner or later the lack of affection will be a problem that will affect everyone.

 

[AlteredEgo]

Well, I'm all for personal responsibility - and yes, he "made this situation" and he has obligations. HOWEVER - if he has transitioned for whatever reason to a new sexual and emotional dynamic then things will need to change. Marriages can be made, and taken apart without killing oneself or partner emotionally. Staying together simply for an old promise or for the sake of the kids is not really going to produce a good outcome for anyone - most of all the kids.

I do think this is not a simple right or wrong situation and the OP does show a lot of regard for the spouse and other circumstances involved. Both partners have a point of view that needs to be considered carefully. If the op is drawn to men that is a change that alters the original marriage a lot. He's already been unfaithful, and even if the relationship with his bf falters he has entered new territory that his wife may never be able to equal.

How corrosive will it be for her knowing that he wants to be with someone else and does not love her as she deserves? What will this new tension do to the fabric of his relationships with his children? Sooner or later the lack of affection will be a problem that will affect everyone.

He entered the situation knowing full well he was of a different orientation. Why does he get to ruin her financial future at this late stage?