Ending a relationship

[B_thickjohnny]

After 4 years my ex and I broke up. I found him "serial cheating". It's been a year now and we still talk but it affects me every day. I can't seem to move on and I actually feel guilty if I meet a guy and we have sex.

Today I broke the cycle and told ex that I don't want to see him, talk to him, receive email/texts etc from him. He said "you're acting like a child". I shot back that this is exactly why I don't want to see him anymore; he's treated me as inferior for too long and I need to move on. I thanked him for his comments and hung up. He called back repeating that I'm acting childish and that there's no reason to be doing this. I explained all of the above - that I can't move on so long as we are connected. In order for me to survive I need to have distance. I told him that he seems to have moved on with his dating etc but I can't seem to do that as well as he has. I told him I still have feelings for him and still hurt over what happened and the only way for me to survive is to move on without him around me. I said "I'm taking back my friendship" and it's over.

Every muscle in my body is now tense. Shit!

 

[molotovmuffin]

You know...if you fired his ass you wouldn't have to see him.

 

[nudeyorker]

I'm sorry! The more you have invested in a relationship the more the end of it will prove to be difficult. It seems you have more invested than he did. I don't have an easy answer for you... I have had to pick up the pieces of my dream shattered life a couple of times and you just need to take it a day at a time and do whatever it takes to get up and move on. Again I'm sorry life is not undiluted joy for you right now, but it will get better eventually.

 

[B_thickjohnny]

You know...if you fired his ass you wouldn't have to see him.

If you're referring to him working with me, I actually quit because of him and his crap. I told him that today; that I was tired of his superiority crap and THAT was the real reason I left. That may have been weak of me but I had to get away from him. Now, even after leaving he calls me bitching about the company OR writes asking me to read an email before he sends it to be sure the English is ok (he's Czech). THEN tells me he wants to meet someone (as in a new BF/partner) who allows him to stand on his own legs. WTF?

 

[molotovmuffin]

If you're referring to him working with me, I actually quit because of him and his crap. I told him that today; that I was tired of his superiority crap and THAT was the real reason I left. That may have been weak of me but I had to get away from him. Now, even after leaving he calls me bitching about the company OR writes asking me to read an email before he sends it to be sure the English is ok (he's Czech). THEN tells me he wants to meet someone (as in a new BF/partner) who allows him to stand on his own legs. WTF?

Sorry, I did forget that you had left that job...but you should have put an end to that when you left. Why do you answer the phone or answer his emails or text back? You're just hurting yourself and letting him take advantage of you. Stop it, stop it, stop it!

 

[XSILVER]

Good for you!!!! You have learned a lesson that many MANY people can not wrap their heads around. You have to cut off ALL ties with him and live your own life now. Doing this will be great for you and you will find the happiness you deserve.

 

[helgaleena]

If he calls you and you know it's him, Do Not Pick Up! If you answer and it's him, Hang Up! He isn't getting the message that no contact means no contact. Nor are you...

 

[B_thickjohnny]

he just kept calling and I kept letting it ring. I finally picked up and when he asked why I didn't answer the phone and that he was worried about me I said I just don't want to talk to him anymore, don't want to see him, that I need to move on... that's when I got hit with the "you're acting like a child" bullshit. It just makes me boil!

 

[bigbulgelicker45]

I met my ex through my best friend in the early '80's (they had been dating briefly) then in the late '80's he was dating one of my former co-workers who had left the company. We hadn't talked in awhile after he left the company and he was telling me about this "great guy he was dating." It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out who it was and after my ex co-worker found out I had slept with him (yes, slept) he ended their relationship.

One night my ex co-worker and I went out, ran into him and for about the next nine months we were kind of dating, but weren't since we were "friends." Both of us had feelings for one another and on our first "official" date we had gotten into an argument. Three months later he dumped me for the proverbial someone better.

That relationship didn't work out and he came crawling back to me. A pattern had started which I was blind to and whenever I couldn't go out he would find someone new. We never had sex as it was more of an emotional relationship. He met the "extreme love of his life" and was dating both of us, I found out through the grapevine and I was really devastated.

In 2000, he called out of the blue to have a drink. I refused but he said he was going to come over anyway. He apologized for how he had treated me and a couple of months later we were back together. Again there was no sex involved and I thought he had changed as his mother had become ill and I knew he was stressed with caring for her. If he snapped at me I knew it was due to stress.

On the day she passed away I found out by accident when I called to see if he wanted to get a drink and he started to yell and scream at me and said I was acting like his ex. I had no idea what was going on and said I'd help him if he needed it (but the ex had slithered back trying to figure out a way to get back with him).

As time went on he became even more abusive toward me and I ended it (he had been seeing the ex- even went on a couple of weekend trips to his cottage) but I wasn't any better since I had been seeing someone on the side. After his confession I admitted what I was doing and he was hurt but we continued our relative non relationship for about another year.

In the last few months of "our relationship" it became increasingly difficult to even be with him so after he stood me up one night I sent an email ending it and not to contact me. I stopped going to wherever we'd hang out at and a couple of weeks later he popped up with someone new.

Whenever I have run into him I leave or if he'd talk to me I'd ignore him all the while his new bf was hovering around (one night the two of them were dressed alike).

After a span of nearly 30 years of knowing him it still kind of hurts, but, I think I'm better for ending it before he did, but I also found out that he had been telling lies to everyone we knew that I said such and such about them when he was the one who initially told me what he thought of them.

I'm just glad I moved on and decided I was never going to have another relationship. I enjoy being able to do whatever I want, when I want.

 

[B_subgirrl]

Today I broke the cycle and told ex that I don't want to see him, talk to him, receive email/texts etc from him.

Well done!! I'm usually all for staying friends, but it just hasn't been working for you. Good on you for putting yourself first for once.

 

[dolfette]

he's a bully and a manipulator.
continuous calls, when he knows you don't want to talk, to force you into keeping a relationship with him? that's abusive.
don't respond, no matter what. if he calls 100 times then let it ring 100 times. every time you respond you give him reason to continue.

 

[helgaleena]

he's a bully and a manipulator.
continuous calls, when he knows you don't want to talk, to force you into keeping a relationship with him? that's abusive.
don't respond, no matter what. if he calls 100 times then let it ring 100 times. every time you respond you give him reason to continue.

Yes, stay strong. :grouphug:

 

[Intrigue]

he's a bully and a manipulator.
continuous calls, when he knows you don't want to talk, to force you into keeping a relationship with him? that's abusive.
don't respond, no matter what. if he calls 100 times then let it ring 100 times. every time you respond you give him reason to continue.

Correct! Give em an inch, and they'll take a mile. Be strong and stay strong. Don't let him force himself on you, which is what he has been doing.

 

[B_thickjohnny]

Now I need to figure out what to do on Sundays. I'm Catholic and he became a Catholic when we first started dating. I'm sure (now) that it was just another manipulative move on his part because if I'm not around (out of town for business) he doesn't go but if I'm here, he's there on Sunday. I need to figure out what to do - arrive late and sit in the back? That's buckling, I think, so I need to figure that out especially since I have friends there and they'll wonder why I'm sitting with them (as he does).

 

[B_theaussieone]

After 4 years my ex and I broke up. I found him "serial cheating". It's been a year now and we still talk but it affects me every day. I can't seem to move on and I actually feel guilty if I meet a guy and we have sex.

Today I broke the cycle and told ex that I don't want to see him, talk to him, receive email/texts etc from him. He said "you're acting like a child". I shot back that this is exactly why I don't want to see him anymore; he's treated me as inferior for too long and I need to move on. I thanked him for his comments and hung up. He called back repeating that I'm acting childish and that there's no reason to be doing this. I explained all of the above - that I can't move on so long as we are connected. In order for me to survive I need to have distance. I told him that he seems to have moved on with his dating etc but I can't seem to do that as well as he has. I told him I still have feelings for him and still hurt over what happened and the only way for me to survive is to move on without him around me. I said "I'm taking back my friendship" and it's over.

Every muscle in my body is now tense. Shit!

i think you did the right thing, you learnt you cant turn a ho into a housewife, or in your case husband lol.

 

[psguy64]

You will do well for yourself. Reading several of your previous posting with
interest, I know you have the skills to recover better than ever - however long it takes.

 

[kurios]

You may be giving mixed messages like you want him to stop but you don't want him to stop.
If you are serious
Don't pick up the phone
Delete e-mails without reading them
Don't talk to him that way you don't give him the opportunity to push any of your buttons
No more reasons why anything, it just is "Good Bye"
You have made a deliberate decision to disconnect. Period

 

[helgaleena]

Now I need to figure out what to do on Sundays. I'm Catholic and he became a Catholic when we first started dating. I'm sure (now) that it was just another manipulative move on his part because if I'm not around (out of town for business) he doesn't go but if I'm here, he's there on Sunday. I need to figure out what to do - arrive late and sit in the back? That's buckling, I think, so I need to figure that out especially since I have friends there and they'll wonder why I'm sitting with them (as he does).

Just do not speak to him. Explain to your friends if necessary. Let him make a fool of himself in front of them trying to talk to you if you don't wish it.

Here's a repeat of something I wrote to you privately about church:
Not being a church-goer myself (other than holding my own Druid services) I don't know exactly how important it is to you to continue attending. But if you and he are both there, the very least you can do is minimize the interaction between you, from verbal to merely a nod, followed by quick avoidance of eye contact. If he pursues you beyond that, quickly begin to talk to someone else so that he would be interrupting.

Hope this helps.

 

[AdaramC]

I went through a similar experience with my ex. Hard as it is, you literally can't talk to him if it's as bad as you say and you are serious about moving on with your life.

Every reason you choose to pick up the phone, answer his emails, check his english, everything, will just be excuses. If you want to deal with your emotions, and figure yourself out again and who you are without him, you have to do it without him.
Trust me, speaking from experience, it's going to be tough. Lots of lonely nights with tears, lots of bad decisions, and more importantly, a lot of time. It's been over a year for me and I still haven't fully gotten over him. But I have gotten better. Just believe in yourself, and don't make excuses to be in contact with him.

 

[rawrg]

Wait a minute... gay people aren't just promiscuous sex addicts and can have feelings like love, affection and loyalty? This isn't what those protesters in New York told me last week...

Seriously though, best of luck to you. No matter what anyone says, there is no universal "method" that works for getting over someone. We all just have to find our own way to deal and move on with our lives. Hopefully your journey isn't a long one.