Ending a relationship

B_thickjohnny

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I went through a similar experience with my ex. Hard as it is, you literally can't talk to him if it's as bad as you say and you are serious about moving on with your life.

Every reason you choose to pick up the phone, answer his emails, check his english, everything, will just be excuses. If you want to deal with your emotions, and figure yourself out again and who you are without him, you have to do it without him.
Trust me, speaking from experience, it's going to be tough. Lots of lonely nights with tears, lots of bad decisions, and more importantly, a lot of time. It's been over a year for me and I still haven't fully gotten over him. But I have gotten better. Just believe in yourself, and don't make excuses to be in contact with him.

I've lived in Prague for 16 years. I came here not knowing the language and strangely I survived. We (he and I) were together 4 years (known each other for 5 I guess) and he immediately took over everything. I didn't have to deal with the cable company or getting business cards printed or taking the car in for service. He did all of this plus more. His OCD behavior was so controlling that it left no room for me. He washed and folded the clothes. If I tried, I did it wrong. I'd fold the T-shirts and underwear and he'd come behind me and re fold them. Even after we broke up he'd come over, water the plants, look in my dresser to see if I folded things properly. I started closing my bedroom door and telling him it was off limits. He laughed but respected it and didn't try again.

Even now he wants to always help out. With a move back to the US he wants to help manage whatever affairs remain here in Prague. At first, I thought it would be the best thing. In some cases I really trust him. I know he won't screw me - strangely enough he is trustworthy. THIS IS THE PART I HYPERVENTILATE ABOUT. I have no one here who can help me after I'm gone! I know something will happen and they'll be no one to call EXCEPT him but I know I won't be able to.
 

helgaleena

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He is much more controlling than I was imagining, Johnny. :shock: You know deep down that you are perfectly capable of taking his key away and folding your own laundry, watering your own plants, right???
 

prepstudinsc

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Now I need to figure out what to do on Sundays. I'm Catholic and he became a Catholic when we first started dating. I'm sure (now) that it was just another manipulative move on his part because if I'm not around (out of town for business) he doesn't go but if I'm here, he's there on Sunday. I need to figure out what to do - arrive late and sit in the back? That's buckling, I think, so I need to figure that out especially since I have friends there and they'll wonder why I'm sitting with them (as he does).


Go to a different mass or to a different church. If you went to an early one, go later. If you went to a late morning one, go to an early one.
Instead of going to a local small parish, go to the cathedral. It's an easy fix.
 

B_thickjohnny

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Go to a different mass or to a different church. If you went to an early one, go later. If you went to a late morning one, go to an early one.
Instead of going to a local small parish, go to the cathedral. It's an easy fix.


Not really. There's only one English Mass in Prague. 11am Sunday mornings (or the 6pm Mass Saturday evening). He's Czech so he can go to any Mass anywhere in Prague. I don't have that luxury if I really want to participate in the liturgy.

What's funny is if I'm out of town he doesn't go. He only goes when I'm here and he knows I'll be there. Then he'll ask me to have lunch with him.

I think I know what's coming. I told him not to call met, etc so I think he'll either not show up or show up and not bother me and being the "bigger man" he won't talk to me and he won't ask me to lunch anymore. I'm glad he's bigger than me! :cool:
 

B_thickjohnny

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Here's what's really tough. I still like him AS A FRIEND. I want to be friends with him at some point. It's the getting past the past that's the killer. And I know this is hurting him as much as it's hurting me. For some reason he doesn't understand why I need to have time away - no communication time etc. He doesn't get it and thinks that it's easier to get past the past just staying friends. I can't see him moving on. It hurts me.
 

molotovmuffin

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Here's what's really tough. I still like him AS A FRIEND. I want to be friends with him at some point. It's the getting past the past that's the killer. And I know this is hurting him as much as it's hurting me. For some reason he doesn't understand why I need to have time away - no communication time etc. He doesn't get it and thinks that it's easier to get past the past just staying friends. I can't see him moving on. It hurts me.
You know...you're a gluten for punishment. The guy was your employee and your boyfriend. He lied to you as both of those, you quit your job because of him...when are you going to stop?

I swear to God you are such a drama queen.:mad:
 

B_thickjohnny

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I swear to God you are such a drama queen.:mad:

:redface:
Not sure if drama queen is the right description but I'll own what you're saying and admit that I let him take too much control. I'm weak. I'll admit to that 100%. I fell for him AND got sucked into his controlling behavior for 4+ years. He worked for me and was an excellent employee. I don't feel he lied to me when it came to work. He was just a total control freak on things but work got done and always done well. Moreover, I know with 100% certainty that I could hand over my bank account and properties to him and he would NEVER do anything to hurt me. He would manage it and report to me regularly. But it was his OCD behavior made me feel emasculated at times. In our personal life too he managed everything and this is one reason why I'm glad we broke up. I think that had it not been for the cheating I would have broken up with him anyway. But ending the friendship I don't see as necessary but the time off is. I want to think/feel that he needs the time off too and I hope that he finds someone to talk to about it - like a shrink. I am (besides here) and although only two sessions, I'm sure it will help.​
 
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coachreffn

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Hey Johnny, I think the folks on here have all offered strong advice (some I agree with and others that I would ignore if I were in a situation like that) However, I keep hearing from you in posts that you do want a relationship with this man. Perhaps it is just a friendship but a relationship nonetheless. Maybe you guys COULD be good friends. He sounds like he is reliable, trustworthy, responsible in areas outside of the fidelity of a relationship. Take a deep breath, don't react so strongly, get a sense of humor about the situation, and don't be a drama queen. Perhaps you can salvage something that you find valuable in this person. Also, keep going to the service in English. "Offer it up." when you see him there at Mass and just smile to God about it and keep focused. A sense of humor about some of this stuff could be disarming and salvific. Hoping for the best for you. Mike.
 

B_thickjohnny

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He's a true enigma of a person. I'm sure something will work out but not now. He came by yesterday and I didn't answer the door. He went to Mass yesterday then to lunch with mutual friends. One of them gave him something for me not knowing (my fault) that I didn't want contact with him. He took it knowing/thinking I'd want to get it. I don't. He can have it. He's called four time and sent texts but I didn't reply. Tough going....
 

Infernal

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At some point, enough is too much. You have to close the door behind you and move on with your life. I find that "Get out, don't come back, and never let me see your face again" has worked pretty well. It's tough to make a break like that, but at some point keeping your sanity has to be more important then the person who makes you crazy. Sometimes people we have relationships make better friends than lovers, and those friendships are worth keeping. An ex from 15 years ago has tried many times over the years to get in touch with me, and I never respond to him. The only space I have for him in my life is in my past, where he belongs.
 

Hoss

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He's a true enigma of a person. I'm sure something will work out but not now. He came by yesterday and I didn't answer the door. He went to Mass yesterday then to lunch with mutual friends. One of them gave him something for me not knowing (my fault) that I didn't want contact with him. He took it knowing/thinking I'd want to get it. I don't. He can have it. He's called four time and sent texts but I didn't reply. Tough going....

Look guy, he cheated on you, keep your eyes ahead and keep walking.

He's aware he's got you where he wants you that's why he keeps calling and texting and dropping by. Stop playing into it.
 

DavidXL

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I had a very painful break up with a girlfriend I was in love with, and she had cheated on me. In a heart beat, I would have forgiven her and taken her back if she had wanted to be lovers again. Instead, she wanted to keep me as a friend and would sometimes call at 2 or 3 in the morning, when she had moved away to a different time zone. I realized after a year or so that this was extremely unhealthy for me, it was preventing me from moving on with my life, and I decided that the only way I was going to get over it and move on with my life was to cut off all contact. (the last contact was an e-mail she wrote to me that I didn't respond to - it took a huge amount of will power not to write back, but I didn't give in, as much as I wanted to). It took a while, but it completely worked, I got over it and was able to move on. Not saying it would work for everyone or be the best for everyone's circumstances, but it worked for me.
 
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B_thickjohnny

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At some point, enough is too much. You have to close the door behind you and move on with your life. I find that "Get out, don't come back, and never let me see your face again" has worked pretty well. It's tough to make a break like that, but at some point keeping your sanity has to be more important then the person who makes you crazy. Sometimes people we have relationships make better friends than lovers, and those friendships are worth keeping. An ex from 15 years ago has tried many times over the years to get in touch with me, and I never respond to him. The only space I have for him in my life is in my past, where he belongs.

And how does this work? When does it begin to work? Do you split, stop talking, move on etc THEN find your friendship? It's obvious to me that you can't break up and go on day to day as if nothing happened. It did and I think this part he just doesn't seem to understand from my side. It's apparently easy for him. He's out on his own and doing well (albeit because I got where he is today!) but I'm still hurting. This is why I decided to cut him off and move on.

Anyway, I think we can be friends but not until I'm over him.
 
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dolfette

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do you really, honestly, taking his behaviour into account, believe that he would accept a friendship with you without looking for ways to manipulate you and bring it back to a relationship??

you're naive like my kid sister. i want to box your ears :mad:
 

B_thickjohnny

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Relationship will NEVER happen. That's a gimme. He can't manipulate me into that, that's for sure. I HAVE ZERO INTEREST IN HIM PHYSICALLY! And I'm convinced he's not into me that way either. He's already said that I'm too old for him. This is what brought me where I am now. Four years together and the thought of having to take care of me and me not supporting him made him think. At the beginning when he was in school full time I paid for everything. It didn't bother me in the least. Then he started working for me (I paid him) and I got him two part time jobs working for two of my clients managing their investments here. So he had nice income from part time work. When I asked him to please contribute to the running of the household he said no, that he was saving his money. That got us into a debate over why I should continue paying for everything and he just had a hard time understanding that we both should contribute, each according to our ability (I wouldn't expect 50/50 if the earnings were not equal). He didn't see it although he started buying groceries more. He thought, for example, that because my company owned the car, why should he put gas in it (he used it to go out on his cheating dates while I was out of town on business). When I explained that the car was in the company because of tax/write off purposes he still didn't get it. I couldn't write off 100%!!

Anyway, he "realized" that when I got older he'd have to use his money to maintain the household etc and didn't like that idea. He wants someone who is younger and whose earnings will continue longer than someone older. (is that an understandable explanation?) I'm so glad I'm out of the relationship.

What he didn't understand was (1) he was in my will and (2) I had lots more investments (property, stocks, etc) and didn't realize that he would have benefited from that. His loss now!
 
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B_subgirrl

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It's obvious to me that you can't break up and go on day to day as if nothing happened.

It CAN happen that way for some people. It happened that way for an ex and I.

But it's obvious that that isn't going to work for YOU. It really sounds like you need time away from him so that you can get used to being alone and standing on your own feet again. It sounds to me like you lost yourself in him. I think you need to build up your sense of self before you could have a healthy friendship with him.
 

B_thickjohnny

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It CAN happen that way for some people. It happened that way for an ex and I.

But it's obvious that that isn't going to work for YOU. It really sounds like you need time away from him so that you can get used to being alone and standing on your own feet again. It sounds to me like you lost yourself in him. I think you need to build up your sense of self before you could have a healthy friendship with him.

You hit the nail on the head subgirl. He took control of everything and I felt completely emasculated. This is it in a nutshell. I need to get ME back.

Thank you
 

aninnymouse

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Have you thought about moving. I know it's difficult being in a foreign city, and that there aren't as many options as if you were in an English speaking area. However, I think that it may be a good idea, if possible, to move houses, change some of your social patterns so that you send the clearest message to him that he is unneeded, and unwelcome in your life.