A few times. The closest I ever came was when I was diagnosed with diabetes. Being a first responder, you see the hardships and challenges of this disease. You have patients who live in your service area who are diabetic. So you can see the progression and challenges they faced over time when you treat them, and take them to the hospitals. When I was diagnosed, I was devastated. I just wanted to walk out of that ER and right in front of a Mack truck. That's how fucked I felt. Been close to 20 years now and I am having some progression of the illness, but I'm fighting on. Side effects of some of the medications is a pain. I have a few injuries I got on the job that's changed my life. I'm in constant pain. Lately, the feeling of depression has returned. I lost a few close family members and friends within the last few months to cancer, diabetes, and suicide. I've lost 3 co-workes to suicide within the past year alone. And I constantly relive some of the fatal and horrible emergency responses that continue to haunt me in my 29 years of being a first responder, which is another issue all on it's own. I think that has a lot to do with the way I'm feeling right now.
Being Bisexual is a pain in the ass also. I haven't been in a serious relationship in a while. Its like you don't fit in any category. Been with women 90% of my life but have been intimate with guys in the last two years. So far, its just complicating things. All in All, I would give anything not to be this way. I'd rather be Gay or Straight, but not Bi. Although I never cheated, I always felt I was not being truthful in my relationships. This part hurts so much that I will go years without seriously dating because It felt better to be alone than to be conflicted about which gender to be with exclusively. It just felt better to be by myself so I don't hurt anyone emotionally. I'm also getting tired of the questions from family and friends asking me about still being single. Why haven't I gotten married yet, etc. You know the drill.
I feel at times if I die, then my problems would fix themselves. I will not be in pain and I can sleep forever. But then I think about how my friends and family would feel If I were to take my life. They would be devastated. My nephew for starters. I know how it feels to be left behind to pick up the pieces because I've had people close to me take their lives. So I press on. When I have the bad days, I do things to make me forget about my pain. You got to have an outlet. Talk to someone. It's what keeps me going. At the end of the day, I can't be selfish and leave the people I love wondering if there was something they could have done to prevent my suicide. So I'm riding this out, taking the the good, the bad, and the ugly. Because there are the good days. And I cherish them greatly.
Sorry about the long winded rant. I consider my issues mild compared to some of the comments I've read above. However, I still feel at times depressed about my situation. I'm sharing my story because someone else may be experiencing any part of this. You're not alone and you can pull through this. If I can do it, so can you. Believe me I'm not that strong. You have have to talk to someone. If you cant talk to anyone within your circle for what ever reason, then call the suicide hotline 1-800-273-8255. You can PM me also. If I can keep pushing on to continue my life. So can you. There will be people who will miss your presence if you take it.
