ya, and i posted.....
and ya i know you said i needed to get him alone and in person, but there was just never time between my school, his school full-time job and boyfriend...and i just needed to know..ya know? :sad6:...
How to get over someone...
- Thread starter HairyTXdude
- Start date
ya, and i posted.....
and ya i know you said i needed to get him alone and in person, but there was just never time between my school, his school full-time job and boyfriend...and i just needed to know..ya know? :sad6:...
You have been given some really sound and practical advise. The trick now is in the getting over your self and allowing your life to move forward.
Accepting what is happening, or that he doesn't love you in the same way you do...doesn't mean you are obligated to agree with what is taking place.
It just means in accepting this situation as is, you slowly detach and open the door to expansion. As a result of this action, you move closer to that person who will love you in the same way, perhaps in a better way than you realize.
We all want better for ourselves, we simply need to allow it. That requires patience and is a process. Painful as it may very well be....
You can do this, it is possible for you.
Accepting what is happening, or that he doesn't love you in the same way you do...doesn't mean you are obligated to agree with what is taking place.
It just means in accepting this situation as is, you slowly detach and open the door to expansion. As a result of this action, you move closer to that person who will love you in the same way, perhaps in a better way than you realize.
We all want better for ourselves, we simply need to allow it. That requires patience and is a process. Painful as it may very well be....
You can do this, it is possible for you.
Sorry, I don't think I read that. My apologies for missing it.
The reason I said in person is because you needed to read the things he wasn't simply just saying to you. It's harder for people to lie in person. It would have also allowed you to see how he was feeling by watching his tone and body language. That probably would have told you whether or not you had a real chance. The conversation would have lasted longer and you could discuss issues that have lingered since you broke-up. Over 50% of all communication is non-verbal and that percentage skyrockets when dealing with emotional issues.
What I really wanted was for you to either know that there was a chance worth pursuing or that there wasn't a chance in Hell and you needed to move on. Your txt, as I read it, made you look like you were begging, already resigned to the fact he would say, 'no,' and it all made you sound pathetic in a way that expressing these things in person wouldn't.
You've got to push some envelopes and confront things that terrify you or else they'll just fester under the surface and neither of you will be able to decide what to do. I think it's pretty telling that he said, " y don't u ask me that when I'm single cuz u know my answer when I'm with someone," when he was with you and cheated.
I don't hold out a lot of hope for this just going by what you're saying here, though I do believe you need a definitive answer and he didn't give you one. Once you know for sure one way or the other, you'll find either answer will make it much easier for you to move on.
The reason I said in person is because you needed to read the things he wasn't simply just saying to you. It's harder for people to lie in person. It would have also allowed you to see how he was feeling by watching his tone and body language. That probably would have told you whether or not you had a real chance. The conversation would have lasted longer and you could discuss issues that have lingered since you broke-up. Over 50% of all communication is non-verbal and that percentage skyrockets when dealing with emotional issues.
What I really wanted was for you to either know that there was a chance worth pursuing or that there wasn't a chance in Hell and you needed to move on. Your txt, as I read it, made you look like you were begging, already resigned to the fact he would say, 'no,' and it all made you sound pathetic in a way that expressing these things in person wouldn't.
You've got to push some envelopes and confront things that terrify you or else they'll just fester under the surface and neither of you will be able to decide what to do. I think it's pretty telling that he said, " y don't u ask me that when I'm single cuz u know my answer when I'm with someone," when he was with you and cheated.
I don't hold out a lot of hope for this just going by what you're saying here, though I do believe you need a definitive answer and he didn't give you one. Once you know for sure one way or the other, you'll find either answer will make it much easier for you to move on.
HairyTXdude,
I would avoid therapy like the plague. At best you would get a therapist who can help you move on in your own life. At worst, you can get stuck with someone who always thinks that "there is more there" and drags you down into an endless pit of darkness that will take years to recover from. So, stay away from that.
Forgetting someone you deeply care about is next to impossible. We are humans and our brains main function is to remember everything. You will always carry a part of them with you in your heart. If you think about it, all that we are is a combination of all the people who have been in our lives, starting with our parents. So, you can't just suddenly forget them.
The only times that I have a difficult time with break-ups, even those in which we were just friends, is if there was some kind of unfinished business or unsaid words on my part. It is called "closure." At some point, you have to simply speak your mind or as some say, "speak your peace." You have to verbally get everything off your chest to the other person involved.
It may take just saying to that person "I just need to talk to you, just one more time, and then, if you want, I will leave you alone." Eventually, you will have to leave them alone and move on or your entire life will be stiffled with dysfucntion or worse, depression.
A therapist would recommend that you put your words down on paper and then burn the paper but you really need to talk the the person or at least email them. If talking is never possible and you have to settle for email, an answer may very well never return to you. However, that is your answer and with that, you will have to take the advice of others here and keep yourself busy in any other way so you can to forget.
Again, I don't think you can totally forget someone. Breaking off all contact with them at first is good but often, if both of you feel you have sufficient closure, after a while you may find that each of you can remain friends in a very distant way, like just remembering Birthdays or Christmas with cards and a short note. When you receive them, just remember the good times and then go about your own life.
It gets easier over time as the hurt won't last as long.
Best wishes to you.
:smile:
I would avoid therapy like the plague. At best you would get a therapist who can help you move on in your own life. At worst, you can get stuck with someone who always thinks that "there is more there" and drags you down into an endless pit of darkness that will take years to recover from. So, stay away from that.
Forgetting someone you deeply care about is next to impossible. We are humans and our brains main function is to remember everything. You will always carry a part of them with you in your heart. If you think about it, all that we are is a combination of all the people who have been in our lives, starting with our parents. So, you can't just suddenly forget them.
The only times that I have a difficult time with break-ups, even those in which we were just friends, is if there was some kind of unfinished business or unsaid words on my part. It is called "closure." At some point, you have to simply speak your mind or as some say, "speak your peace." You have to verbally get everything off your chest to the other person involved.
It may take just saying to that person "I just need to talk to you, just one more time, and then, if you want, I will leave you alone." Eventually, you will have to leave them alone and move on or your entire life will be stiffled with dysfucntion or worse, depression.
A therapist would recommend that you put your words down on paper and then burn the paper but you really need to talk the the person or at least email them. If talking is never possible and you have to settle for email, an answer may very well never return to you. However, that is your answer and with that, you will have to take the advice of others here and keep yourself busy in any other way so you can to forget.
Again, I don't think you can totally forget someone. Breaking off all contact with them at first is good but often, if both of you feel you have sufficient closure, after a while you may find that each of you can remain friends in a very distant way, like just remembering Birthdays or Christmas with cards and a short note. When you receive them, just remember the good times and then go about your own life.
It gets easier over time as the hurt won't last as long.
Best wishes to you.
:smile:
Ya I know alot about non-verbal communication, I've taken a class on body language..its just that I'm a cryer too, I can't stop myself from crying at the slightest emotion, happy or sad, and I know I would have cried if we were able to meet in person...and that would have seemed more pathetic than anything....
Do you mean petty?
Ok, so i royally fucked up, now theres nothing i can do but move on right? :frown1:
I think I might also be having a hard time, cus out of all the guys and girls i've liked/ "dated", he's the one i see myself loosing my Vcard too...
under NO circumstances are you to give away your virginity to someone who treats you with such disrespect!
trust me, let it be someone who truly cares for you...it will be a much better experience for you...something you can look back on with good feelings rather than deep regret...
do me a favor and read these next words aloud five times...
he is with someone else...
if he wanted to be with me, he would be...
he does NOT want to be with me...
I deserve better than what he is...
ya when told me "that my first time needs to be when im in love, cause sex means nothing when both people don't love each other", when I tried having sex with him.....
Ya I know this...I was told this before when i was trying to get over the first person i fell in love with (well something similar but still...)
and i don't think there is anyone "better"...
Oh dear.... here is your mistake.....
IMHO!!!
Originally Posted by HairyTXdude [URL]http://www.lpsg.org/images36/buttons/viewpost.gif[/URL]
Well i went ahead and texted him, i woke up this morning with a pair of balls and I'd figured I'd better use them while i had them.
I text him "hey, do you think it is possible that we could ever be more than friends again, because i would really like another chance at your heart."
i got back "um idk"
I replied "I'm sorry that kinda came out of nowhere. I know your in a relationship but i just need to know how you feel because I really do like you and wish we could give this relationship thing another try. I understand if you don't want to, I cherish our friendship. I just want another chance to be with you."
he said " y don't u ask me that when I'm single cuz u know my answer when I'm with someone"
feeling stupid, i replied with "I'm sorry that I brought it up now it was just something I needed to get off my chest"
YOU BACKED DOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
to which he said "Its ok u no it don't change me thoughts or feelings so don't feelings so don't sweat it handsome"
(alot of errors maybe 'Its ok u no i don't change my thoughts or feelings so don't feelings so don't sweat it handsome' or 'Its ok u no it don't change my thoughts or feelings so don't feelings so don't sweat it handsome' lol)
Think about it!!!
You are in love!!! so why are you apologising???
There are alot worse things that you can say to people then you are in love with them!!
Why apologise??
Because you feel awkward?? why feel awkward? are you not worthy of this persons love??? Shouldn't he be bloody lucky to have you???
What is called for here in my opinion is some arrogance....although you should not appear so. You've layed your heart on the line only to be told you are not wanted!!!
What would any self respecting person do??? Be INCREDIBLY PISSED OFF!!!
Or at least become uncontactable for a week maybe two...
Your not being mean by doing this, cos if he asks you are just "so hurt!!!"
I know it sounds harsh hon, but you are being to nice...stop being the shoulder to cry on, he is HURTIN you.
You reverse the dynamic....you make THEM come runnin'....
I'm sure loads of people here might disagree with me, but its the BEST advice I can think to give you....
In love I think you make a stand and you make it firmly....if it doesn't work you walk away. Sometimes what happens after that is interesting!!
And if nothing happens theres your answer.
Good luck!!! :smile:
the only thing that comes to mind is its too late for that now........even lets say it not and I stop talking to him, what do i do if nothing happens?! I've never even used a neuron for something like this.....
Take a page from Scarlett O'Hara.... tomorrow is another day. You didn't fuck it all up, but you didn't help your chances any. I say making yourself scarce is a good idea. Retrench, recoup, retire, retread. At this point you don't have anything to lose. Focus on your needs, working out, finishing school, getting ready to move, and everything else. Try on a new haircut, maybe some new clothes. Go out and have a good time with friends. He's not going to disappear anytime soon and George Herbert was right, living well is the best revenge. Have some dates.
If you want to be unattractive, being depressed and down on yourself is the best way to do it. You've got to get some happiness into your life so that the next time this guy sees you, you look and feel like a million bucks; so that any guy who sees you thinks you're hot, fun, and someone they want to know. It doesn't matter if you're trying to get back the old guy or find another, you have to put yourself first by taking care of your own emotional needs.
If you want to be unattractive, being depressed and down on yourself is the best way to do it. You've got to get some happiness into your life so that the next time this guy sees you, you look and feel like a million bucks; so that any guy who sees you thinks you're hot, fun, and someone they want to know. It doesn't matter if you're trying to get back the old guy or find another, you have to put yourself first by taking care of your own emotional needs.
You can't lose him because you don't have him. That's the reality of the situation. You might get him back but you won't do it waiting around for him and in the mean time, there are other guys out there who might surprise you. Nothing will make you more attractive than being unavailable.
You think this guy is beautiful, magic, and a whole lot of other superlative adjectives. Maybe he is. The fact is that until you think of him as your equal, nothing will change. You dumped him and immediately regretted it. Then you crawl back to him, he rejects you, and you put your tail between your legs and apologize. If I were him I'd think you had no self-respect and so would avoid you all over again.
I'd love for you to just stop going out with guys entirely until you look in the mirror and really love the guy who looks back. Find your own road, your own happiness. Yeah the clothes and friends thing is important because they will help you feel good about yourself, but they won't do it by themselves. If there aren't any guys around, and I mean REALLY aren't any, then OK. If there are, but they're just not guys you're attracted to, go date them anyway just to get more practice for the next guy you're really interested in.
You're really good at creating reasons to not change. I'm fantastic at it. In fact I wager I'm better than you at it. It's safe to believe you have no control because it absolves you from responsibility. The reality is too painful to admit so you hang on to old hopes like Miss Havesham hangs on to her shoe. But look what happened to her!
Really there is no future without moving on. Someday he may re-enter your orbit and if he does, you'll need to be the guy with the real self-confidence, not someone clingy and needy and sorry. Then he might give you another spin if, at the time, you feel anything for him at all. This requires a lot of work on your part. It means confronting your fears and pushing past them, primarily in realizing this guy isn't yours and you've got to get on with the business of living your life without him. You have no choice in the matter.
Mourning lost relationships is important, but living in them isn't. I know the immense effort it takes to move on. It's scary, lonely, and horribly sad. Hanging on to scarce hopes and memories, no matter how painful, seems preferable to letting go of them precisely because moving on is even more painful.
Unless you do it though, you'll just die inside and it'll eat at you, sabotaging your self-esteem in everything you do because you'll be trapped by a past that will never become a future. Nobody will do it for you, no book, no shrink, no one else. You're all alone in unfamiliar territory on this one and always will be. Frightening indeed, however your only hope of gaining a future is to leave the past.
You think this guy is beautiful, magic, and a whole lot of other superlative adjectives. Maybe he is. The fact is that until you think of him as your equal, nothing will change. You dumped him and immediately regretted it. Then you crawl back to him, he rejects you, and you put your tail between your legs and apologize. If I were him I'd think you had no self-respect and so would avoid you all over again.
I'd love for you to just stop going out with guys entirely until you look in the mirror and really love the guy who looks back. Find your own road, your own happiness. Yeah the clothes and friends thing is important because they will help you feel good about yourself, but they won't do it by themselves. If there aren't any guys around, and I mean REALLY aren't any, then OK. If there are, but they're just not guys you're attracted to, go date them anyway just to get more practice for the next guy you're really interested in.
You're really good at creating reasons to not change. I'm fantastic at it. In fact I wager I'm better than you at it. It's safe to believe you have no control because it absolves you from responsibility. The reality is too painful to admit so you hang on to old hopes like Miss Havesham hangs on to her shoe. But look what happened to her!
Really there is no future without moving on. Someday he may re-enter your orbit and if he does, you'll need to be the guy with the real self-confidence, not someone clingy and needy and sorry. Then he might give you another spin if, at the time, you feel anything for him at all. This requires a lot of work on your part. It means confronting your fears and pushing past them, primarily in realizing this guy isn't yours and you've got to get on with the business of living your life without him. You have no choice in the matter.
Mourning lost relationships is important, but living in them isn't. I know the immense effort it takes to move on. It's scary, lonely, and horribly sad. Hanging on to scarce hopes and memories, no matter how painful, seems preferable to letting go of them precisely because moving on is even more painful.
Unless you do it though, you'll just die inside and it'll eat at you, sabotaging your self-esteem in everything you do because you'll be trapped by a past that will never become a future. Nobody will do it for you, no book, no shrink, no one else. You're all alone in unfamiliar territory on this one and always will be. Frightening indeed, however your only hope of gaining a future is to leave the past.
< cute lolSure you may have thought he was the one, but fact is if he was you'd still be together. Despite what you may feel or think there are a lot of people who will love you more then he did.
Also he isn't your responsibility. So even though you feel like you still need/want to take care of him, you shouldn't. He lost that privilege when he let you go. So stop thinking about him and focus on taking care of yourself. Visit places you never thought you'd go. Do things with friends you didn't think you'd do.
Enjoy YOUR life
Also he isn't your responsibility. So even though you feel like you still need/want to take care of him, you shouldn't. He lost that privilege when he let you go. So stop thinking about him and focus on taking care of yourself. Visit places you never thought you'd go. Do things with friends you didn't think you'd do.
Enjoy YOUR life
invisibleman
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HairyTX--
I want to tell you it is hard to stop loving someone who doesn't love you anymore when you love that person. I was with a guy for six years and he dumped me very abruptly. And I had to find out from other people why. And I eventually found out too.
You have to learn to make peace with whatever relationship you have that didn't work out. Resolve it for yourself. Grieve it and make peace. It is hard. You will have to treat your BF like he died. Stop calling him. Stop being his friend and find your own friends. You have to stop going around places you and he used to go. You have to put the shit he gave you in storage or back to him. Do what you can. And when you are out in public and you see him...leave him alone. If he attempts to speak to you, ignore him. This is what I have done with my ex. I don't EVEN talk with him. I ignore him if I see him out in public. If he were mugged dying on the street, I wouldn't bother him...I would call 911 for assistance though.
So, I know that it is hard because you liked the guy. That doesn't mean that you aren't lovable...he wants someone else. Love him enough to allow him that courtesy and move on. Grieve the relationship. Cry. Be angry. Feel numb. Get over him. You aren't the only one to love a crummy guy. It is possible. I loved one too. There are many who love crummy folk in the world. Relationships fail. When you are ready, there will be someone for you.
I want to tell you it is hard to stop loving someone who doesn't love you anymore when you love that person. I was with a guy for six years and he dumped me very abruptly. And I had to find out from other people why. And I eventually found out too.
You have to learn to make peace with whatever relationship you have that didn't work out. Resolve it for yourself. Grieve it and make peace. It is hard. You will have to treat your BF like he died. Stop calling him. Stop being his friend and find your own friends. You have to stop going around places you and he used to go. You have to put the shit he gave you in storage or back to him. Do what you can. And when you are out in public and you see him...leave him alone. If he attempts to speak to you, ignore him. This is what I have done with my ex. I don't EVEN talk with him. I ignore him if I see him out in public. If he were mugged dying on the street, I wouldn't bother him...I would call 911 for assistance though.
So, I know that it is hard because you liked the guy. That doesn't mean that you aren't lovable...he wants someone else. Love him enough to allow him that courtesy and move on. Grieve the relationship. Cry. Be angry. Feel numb. Get over him. You aren't the only one to love a crummy guy. It is possible. I loved one too. There are many who love crummy folk in the world. Relationships fail. When you are ready, there will be someone for you.
HairTX...Have you heard of the five stages of grief? Whether if it is the death/loss of a loved one or to a lesser degree a relationship, there are five phases a person will go through:
* Denial (this isn't happening to me!)
* Anger (why is this happening to me?)
* Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)
* Depression (I don't care anymore)
* Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)
Until you move through each phase you will not be able to get over him and move on with your life. You have received a lot of good advice from other members and I wish there were something I could say that would fix your porblem overnight, but there isn't. Just know that you are not alone and that most of us have gone or will go through this at some point in our lives. I've heard it said that the time it takes most people to recover is equal to about two months for every year together. Just like all wounds it takes time to heal.
* Denial (this isn't happening to me!)
* Anger (why is this happening to me?)
* Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)
* Depression (I don't care anymore)
* Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)
Until you move through each phase you will not be able to get over him and move on with your life. You have received a lot of good advice from other members and I wish there were something I could say that would fix your porblem overnight, but there isn't. Just know that you are not alone and that most of us have gone or will go through this at some point in our lives. I've heard it said that the time it takes most people to recover is equal to about two months for every year together. Just like all wounds it takes time to heal.
No its not you are bein pessimistic....U haven't made anywhere near enough of a twat of urself yet for it to be too late!!!
Unavailable people are always attractive by the way, think abt it who wants to be with a lonely loser??? U need to start surrounding urself with people and YES date....if everyone is taken, then meet people on the net maybe???
Find a way!!!
Okay so maybe nuffin will happen, but right now you are GETTIN NOWHERE wasting ur time.
Ur chances are a lot better if u do what me and Jason are sayin!
and then if it doesn't work you can grieve the whole thing and move on by which time you MAY have met someone else on a date anyway!!!!
Think about it Win-Win Situation!!
And honey if after all that he don't want u then FUCK HIM HE AINT WORTH IT!!!! IS HE?????
You say u got no neorons for this....you seriosly need to get some!!!
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