I in no way can judge your feelings or thoughts. But are you confusing people with the signals you are putting out? I'm a little confused by your 60/40 split on sexual orientation and what you say you want.
I'm somewhere along the lines of bi-curious (originally identifying as gay). It's just that this progression was interrupted by such great turmoil of my gay identity.
I've gotten to the point where I no longer view sexuality as a singular spectrum. I no longer see anyone's sexuality preferring one gender over the other. One's preference is a choice made interwoven with sexual development.
In middle school, I had crushes on boys and girls, though I only ever chased the girls (I had enough sense of society at that point to know not to chase the boys).
By the time I reached high school, I was labelled as gay so quickly, I had no time to realize what was going on; I accepted the label whole-heartedly (because I did [and do] find men attractive). Since I was a virgin I had no sense of what or why: I simply fed my hormonal sexual frustration into men. Due to my feelings of loneliness and sexual frustration, it felt right to be different and NOT feed those feelings in women (like most men). This is where I developed a major psychological preference for men: it is where I found my strength, my sense of self. Part of our identities are our sexual identities: when I was young, I strongly attached men to my psychological sense of self. This is the preference I am referring to now: it is a hybrid of a psychological choice made in conjunction with the sexual drives we first become aware of as young children. It is not necessarily a conscious decision, simply a matter of how we develop psychologically (brain chemistry), sexually (sex chemistry), and how these two avenues interact with each other over the course of our lives.
My sexual attraction to men (my sex drive) developed after I started having sex with them.This building on the experiences I had in high school has led to my overall preference for men. However, my preference for men has nothing to do with a lack of a preference for women, it is simply my focus up until the past year or two has been men. I still find women sexually appealing, and could certainly enjoy sexual intercourse with them; there is simply no meaning or background to it.
I hope you understand now why I have it as a 60/40 split. My preference originates from my psychological identity, not my sexual drives. This is also the reason why I came off as a total queen despite the fact that this is not a completely accurate description of who I truly am.
I hope this makes sense; if my life is based on a lie, I might just implode from the ridiculousness! :tongue:
