If it were your Birthday, how would you respond to ... ?

[bromance85]

We celebrated my partner's birthday, this week. I put together many things, for him:

1) Flew in his cousin from out of state, whom he hadn't seen in nine years; this was a huge surprise I concocted.
2) Surprise Birthday Party with all his favorite friends and family.
3) Birthday Gift: The Complete Calvin and Hobbs, which he loves, because they were his favorite comics growing up.
4) We both took off two days of work so that I could devote as much time as possible to giving him a good birthday.
5) After dropping off his Cousin at the Airport (who we walked into the ajrport with for more genteel farewell), I made a surprise drive to a Zoo two hours from where we live, as another birthday present; I bought tickets in advance. Zoos are among his favorite places.

I ask all of you: if you were my boyfriend, how would you react to all of this? What would you say? What would you do? If the conversation takes off, I shall be more than happy to delve into more specific facts, regarding these events.

This is a recent post of mine from a thread I originated: Mentally Ill Partner

Feel free to chime in there, if you are a gay man, that is. Thank you.

 

[bromance85]

If anyone is able to chime in, it would be immensely appreciated. Thank you.

 

[NowViewing]

I’ve started, stopped and deleted my reply to your post more than a few times. Why? Because I have tried to better understand the reasoning behind your post.

Most people would be moved by the time and energy that you put into celebrating your partner’s birthday. I know that I would be. I have birthday coming up soon and I know that I probably won’t be celebrated in such a way. The gifts were thoughtful, took a significant amount of planning and most importantly, personal in a way that it seems like your partner is seen, heard and loved. That is, if the gifts were given from a place of love and appreciation. Some people give gifts, big and small, for their own self serving reasons and lord the gifts over the recipient and those in their orbits in various ways. I am not implying that this is the case in your dynamic.

As I mentioned earlier, I struggled with how to begin my reply, because I wanted to order my words properly. I wanted to write a reply that took in account all of the emotions behind those amazing gifts. Also, the possible reasoning behind your post and the vulnerability it takes open yourself up to input from a world of strangers on something so important. Why? Because as your shared in your other posts, your partner deals with mental health issues. That is a game changer. Therefore, the “normal person” that I eluded to earlier, isn’t who you are dealing with. While I believe that everyone deals with mental health challenges throughout out lives, just like individuals with chronic physical health issues, those individuals with chronic mental health issues have to be treated accordingly and their actions must be looked at through those lenses. No matter how much you love and appreciate your partner, no matter how much thought you may put into a gift, or series of gifts, your partner will always be that man.

During the last year and a half of my life, I’ve loved someone who struggles with some very very deep grief. A sense of loss that I have not experienced and probably won’t ever experience in life. And I’ve lost some of the most important people in my life. I learned alot about grief and how it manifests in the lives of some people. I learned how to be a supportive presence when no words can fill the void. But I’ve also learned to cope with the fact that they may not show up in the spaces and places that I may need. I understand that it is my choice to stay or move on and try to find the love in another person. I have learned that they may not have the love or appreciation to give to that I sometimes need ore require.

With all that being said, which I know is a lot. What is the reasoning behind your post? Especially since I know that you signed up for this journey with your partner. How did he respond to your birthday gifts? Maybe you will give me some insight into his reaction to the labor of love that was poured into his birthday festivities. But I would imagine that we are here because his reaction was not what you expect, or deserved. But isn’t it what your signed up for? The good and the bad. Hopefully this helps and gets the conversation started.