Is Cheating Normal?

[Brodie888]

I was chatting to a friend who believes cheating is so common that is basically normal in a relationship.

He said that people don't usually go into a relationship planning on cheating. You can be completely happy and satisfied in every way but when you go out and you lock eyes with some guy who gives you that look back, your mind gets curious and before you know it one thing leads to the next. After, you feel bad for a while but as time passes it goes away. Then each time you cheat after that it gets easier and easier.

Is this how it is? I'm just curious what others think.

 

[Bull9in]

Hell. No. By the very term used to describe it, "cheating," it is not normal, ethical, and completely lacks integrity. If a person has committed to be in a monogamous relationship, and then betrays that trust by having sex with someone else speaks of a lack of character, a lack of trustworthiness, and a lack of maturity. In short, a lack of everything that one would need to be a true mate.

I know a guy who has cheated on his wife for the last 5 years. He justifies it by saying he would NEVER cheat on her with another woman! He says he's bisexual, and that he always has been, but only now (after 15 years of marriage) has he realized his true nature. He goes further by saying she agreed that he should explore this side of himself (she didn't) and that he talked to her about it (he didn't). When she found out, she was devastated. He is so far in denial about his behavior, that he actually has no memory of some of his dalliances. And 2 years ago, he contracted HIV. And STILL he refuses to acknowledge that he has betrayed his wife, himself, and his children (with whom he refuses to be honest about himself, and because of whom she has stayed in a (now) sexless marriage). All the while he was beginning his forays into gay sex, he kept telling me that he didn't want to screw up his marriage, he loved her, and didn't want to lose anything he had. His pathology is extreme, but it is one shared by anybody who justifies their cheating behavior. They are unable to see themselves as the bad guy, and will blame their behavior on others (she doesn't give me sex...he seduced me...etc.)

Just because something seems to be common does make it "normal." And if anyone, guy or girl, cannot be trusted to keep their promises to you, they are not worth staying in relationship with. There are those out there who are trustworthy, and who will, and do, honor their commitments.

 

[Joner]

Not at all!

 

[Tbprivate]

I’ve heard of cheaters thinking it’s harmless fun to stray and hide it from their partner but being extremely hurt and jealous to discover their other half had had sex with another.

I question whether even open relationships work as the 100% love and sexual exclusivity is lost.

 

[MusicBear88]

Cheating is not normal. Non-monogamy can be normal but it has to be truly mutually agreeable within a set of rules defined by the members of the couple/triad/whatever. I think some people let themselves get talked into an open relationship simply out of fear that if they say no they'll lose the other person entirely, and that's not the same thing. Conversations about safety and what activities are on and off the table are essential, as well as regular testing to make sure that your safety measures have been working.

I have known people in fully open relationships for a multitude of reasons, and I support that. I'm in a semi-open relationship with a different set of rules for our own reasons, and if anybody asks, I can explain it in detail. I don't believe that non-monogamy is the only way, but I don't believe that monogamy is the only way either; I believe that it's a choice that people need to make together on a relationship-by-relationship basis.

 

[MisterB]

Cheating is not normal. Some cheaters, however, do attempt to somehow normalize such behavior.

IF you have committed to be in a monogamous relationship, that means exclusivity between those in that monogamous relationship. (Recognizing that some relationships may be monogamous but be comprised of more than two people).

IF you are in an open relationship, I would suspect that the parameters for ones dalliances would have been discussed and worked out between all those involved.

And if a person is married or in an otherwise agreed to monogamous relationship, and is getting any action on the side, REGARDLESS of that sidepiece's sex, that's cheating. Period.

 

[deleted1074483]

nope, but sadly many guys (and i'd guess girls too but not my sphere of knowledge) do cheat - there's always that 'grass is greener' or 'next' thought going through their brains. Some say its because we're guys and so sexual that we just need to fuck everything in sight. I disagree, if you agree to have a monogamous relationship (or even an open one with 'rules') then you need to control any urge and concentrate on the guy you're with.

 

[cedarizzo]

I know a guy who has cheated on his wife for the last 5 years. He justifies it by saying he would NEVER cheat on her with another woman! He says he's bisexual, and that he always has been

This reminds a guy that I knew. He was married to a woman, but she moved out of their house. He started going to the gay bar and hanging around some people I knew. A friend of mine even moved into the guy's house, but they never had sex. Soon after that, the married guy, started picking up gay men at the bar, taking them home and having sex with them. He would only let them suck his dick and then he would fuck them. He said he wasn't cheating as long as his lips never touched them and as long as their dick never touched him. He started going to the bar at least 5 nights a week and bringing home a guy each night. He ended up running up his credit cards and skipping house payments so he could go out all the time. He ended up losing the house. He moved away and I never heard what happened to him after that.

 

[cedarizzo]

And no, cheating is not normal. If a couple agrees to a monogamous relationship, then there should be absolutely no cheating. If they agree to a open relationship, that is a different story, but what happens belongs between them. If they have never discussed playing around, then they really need to sit down and discuss what they want.

 

[Auggiecakes]

I was chatting to a friend who believes cheating is so common that is basically normal in a relationship.

He said that people don't usually go into a relationship planning on cheating. You can be completely happy and satisfied in every way but when you go out and you lock eyes with some guy who gives you that look back, your mind gets curious and before you know it one thing leads to the next. After, you feel bad for a while but as time passes it goes away. Then each time you cheat after that it gets easier and easier.

Is this how it is? I'm just curious what others think.

Your friend is trying justify the fact that he is a a scum bag. Cheat on someone you are suppose to care about is never normal or okay.

 

[Kcub]

I'm in a open relationship myself. So I wouldnt know lol.

 

[MusicBear88]

I had a therapist who did his dissertation on the psychology of cheating. He said that people cheat for one of two reasons: to get out of a relationship, or to stay in one. Either somebody knows that the only way that they'll get a divorce is to cheat, or somebody cheats to get the attention that a relationship they desperately want to stay in isn't working.

The only person I know who had a semi-valid reason to cheat was an older man who had been married (to a woman) for 30+ years and needed confirmation that he was in fact gay before he asked for a divorce. He slept with a man, realized that yes, that was what he wanted and needed, and got a divorce and is now married to another man. He says that it's his greatest regret from his marriage that he had to cheat in order to know for sure, but that he wasn't going to end it only to realize that he didn't enjoy sex with men either. His wife ultimately understood and they're still friends, and he's finally able to be his real self.

 

[Brodie888]

Your friend is trying justify the fact that he is a a scum bag. Cheat on someone you are suppose to care about is never normal or okay.

I don't think he was speaking from personal experience. To him it's like if you drive to the beach, it is likely a seagull will shit on your car. It's just what happens. The other choice is to not go to the beach but then you miss all the good things about that.

 

[erpap]

It may not be normal! I wonder what percentage of the population do cheat?

Cheating is cheating, there are people who are cheaters who do it it over and over. And then there are people who make a one time mistake. Like I said cheating is cheating, whether you do it once or more than once. Again I’m curious, what situation has to happen for a one time mistake other than alcohol.

 

[902369]

No not normal. Gay men love it though and bypass calling it "cheating" only instead to have "open relationships".

 

[HorseHung40's]

There are two questions here:
1.) Is cheating common (normal);
2.) Is cheating the right thing to do?

Yes, it is common.

No, it is not the right thing to do.

 

[muskokan]

homo sapien sapien is hard wired to not be monogamous. Saying that, the social more that is called marriage(of any type) is dependant on monogamy, so if you take that argument and extend it then the idea of marriage is doomed before it begins. I know this is not the question but just a bit of background to the query. Is cheating normal? can't say, but we,as a species are trying to do so!

 

[Brodie888]

Open relationships still have rules by which both partners agree to abide by. So cheating still happens here too.

Eg partners may agree to: not bareback, not fuck friends, not fuck Ex's, tell each other beforehand, not bottom, not bring trade home etc etc.

 

[Bull9in]

homo sapien sapien is hard wired to not be monogamous. Saying that, the social more that is called marriage(of any type) is dependant on monogamy, so if you take that argument and extend it then the idea of marriage is doomed before it begins. I know this is not the question but just a bit of background to the query. Is cheating normal? can't say, but we,as a species are trying to do so!

Actually, science has not found evidence one way or the other. What is true, is that we have evolved social structure to prefer monogamy evolutionarily over the last 1.5 million years.

And even so, we as humans have the ability to decide our behavior. There are people, after all, who choose to be celebate, for instance.

The argument that we are "naturally" polygamous is one used often by those trying to justify their cheating behavior. It is a distraction from their lack of integrity and trustworthiness. If they truly felt that polygamy is a genetic imperative, they wouldn't have promised faithfulness in the beginning. And if they did, they would be guilty of lying at the outset of the relationship. Either way...guilty, weak, lying behavior.

 

[bellybama]

Some people have monogamy.

Some people have a vaneer of monogamy. (I prefer a mahogany vaneer)

And some people are caught.

Either way, I believe faithful people weren't given enough time.