*Periodic monogamy
Quoting 1.5 million years of anthropological debate leaves you...wanting.
It's also conditional.
Is Cheating Normal?
- Thread starter Brodie888
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Quoting 1.5 million years of anthropological debate leaves you...wanting.
It's also conditional.
hairybubblebum
Legendary Member
lol i once hooked up with a guy and then weeks later got hit up on grinder thinking it was the same guy cause the address matched and wanted to surprise him. Turned out to be his BF.
That's a very depressing outlook. Not the mahogany veneer, that's righteous.
It's just not the term for something as complex as infidelity. Maybe, "Has cheating ever happened to you? If you were the cheater, do you feel remorse about it or do you feel justified in your actions? How do you deal with guilt? How did you find out?" Maybe the entire topic is too broad. Open relationship vs monogamous to me seems to be a separate topic. No disrespect to the OP of course. 'Normal" to me just mean some non existent definition and kind of feeds into not helping anyone.
I'm not sure what is complex about it. You're either faithful, or you're not. You either honor your commitments, or you don't. Pretty simple, really. The complications seem to come in when the unfaithful attempt to justify their actions. But that, upon further examination, tends to be very simple as well: "You don't give me what I need," "I'm young," "S/he seduced me," "It didn't mean anything," and on and on, are all glosses for "I lack integrity," "I am untrustworthy," "I only care about myself," "I have weak character."
What the person is really trying to say is, "Leave me." I heartily suggest that you heed their suggestion. See? Simple!
And I interpreted the use of the word 'normal' in the OP's post to mean 'usual,' 'expected,' and 'as a matter of course.' The underlying idea being should a gay man in a monogamous relationship never expect his mate to be faithful, because that's just the way we're wired - should that be NORMAL in the same way it is NORMAL for a gay man to have sex with men? that there is nothing wrong with that scenario? Though I'm sure it is rife with judgement in many instances (homosexuality itself was not considered normal by the psychiatric association for decades, after all), 'normal' as a term does have currency colloquially.
And no, cheating is not normal. It should not be a thing expected, nor tolerated.
Yes, completely agree. But the person being cheated / the secondary cheater could be at fault as well ignoring their relationship. It really takes two to screw up a relationship from what I gather from the multiple responses from others. No excuse or justification just another factor.
Even if the intention for the use of the word normal was understood and meant casual or another meaning I still think it is not helpful. I guess I will expand on more of what I meant - by saying it is or isn't normal is prejudging the situation thus blaming one person. Regardless of blame it forces more guilt on the person who is the cheater, causing more negative feeling that will saturate the person who is acting on these impulses to do more self destructive actions. I don't like doing that because it deamonizes a lot of the situation while also feeding into it. Another point is that it doesn't account for the history of either participate of the relationship.
No one can change another person no matter what unfortunately. But we're also are not one noted. We change. All in the heart discussion I'm not defending or advocating for either side.
I've been on both ends. To me personally sex is just that, intimacy has many levels. Be with who you want and try your hardest not to hurt others by whatever that means.
But that's kinda my point, and where I must disagree with you. Cheating should be prejudged, or "demonized," so to speak. It doesn't matter what the other person in the relationship is or isn't doing to suit the cheater, or if they are "ignoring the relationship," or any other history - those are distractions that cannot justify the unfaithful's bad behavior. "I wouldn't have cheated if..." It always comes around to blaming the one who's been cheated on. Often the person who has been cheated on wonders what they did to cause it!!! That is exactly the kind of victim mindset that allows cheaters to promise "I'll never do it again!!" Yeah. Uh huh. And then they do it again. Look at it this way - cheating on your mate is not a logical solution to any problem, in- or outside of the relationship. Even by that token alone, it is abnormal thinking to try to justify cheating in any way.
It's just like there is NO excuse for physical violence in a relationship, ever. It is never OK, it is never justified (I am not talking about self-defense). There is NO excuse for infidelity, ever. If you are not getting what you need in a relationship, and you have exhausted all options - counseling, discussions with your mate - GET OUT. THEN go pork your brains out. You can do so with the knowledge that you were true to your integrity, and with your head held high. Bad behavior from one party does not justify bad behavior from the other in a relationship.
Of course, perhaps many people should be honest and not pledge fidelity in the first place. Then, at least, you would know what you're getting. But that follows with the whole trustworthiness thing, doesn't it? It's an ourobouros - if they were trustworthy they wouldn't cheat, but if they're not trustworthy, they won't tell you they aren't, so they'll pledge fidelity and cheat anyway. That's not a normal situation. The salient point here is truthfulness, and trustworthiness. If someone cheats, they have neither. Period. It doesn't matter what the "reasons" for it are. And in my opinion, that's something I feel comfortable, in the wide world of gray area, prejudging as "not nornal."
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