This is my first time posting here so let me know if this isn't the right place
I recently found out that my husband has been cheating on me online. We are both gay men, 36 and 37 years old.
He was sexting other men on Grindr and sharing underwear and nude photos on Instagram. He had a Close Friends list with about thirty gay men. For months, he posted stories in his underwear and flirted with them. I found out by accident. I do not believe he had sex with any of them, but to me, it was still cheating.
We have been married for two years and together for six years total.
Before I found out, our relationship was already strained. He had become very messy at home. He would not clean, would not do laundry, and left the bathroom dirty. Sometimes he would not even flush. I tolerated it because I wanted peace and kept telling myself he was stressed from work.
We both work from home and used to get along well. Over the past year, that changed. He became consumed by work. Even though we both worked full time, most of the housework fell on me.
About three months ago, he suddenly started cleaning the bathroom and paying more attention to his hygiene. He bought new underwear and seemed more focused on his appearance. I took this as progress. I thought he was finally making an effort. What I did not realize was that he never wore that underwear with me. I assumed he was tired or overwhelmed. When we did have sex, he never finished.
Around the same time, he became anxious about money. We have always kept separate finances and split expenses evenly. When he suddenly became cheap and secretive, I knew something was wrong.
I eventually opened his laptop and guessed his password. He had shared passwords with me before, and it was easy to figure out. He did not have social media logged in, but he had saved screenshots. There were screenshots of every Instagram story he posted and a list of his Close Friends.
One of the men in those photos was Adrian. Adrian is married to Juan, a man I hooked up with about twelve years ago. Juan and I never had a friendship or any kind of relationship after that. By coincidence, we later ended up living in the same neighborhood. We would run into each other occasionally, exchange a polite hello, and move on.
I had told my husband about Juan long ago. He was just an old Tinder hookup from over a decade ago. There was nothing more to it.
What I later learned is that Adrian resented me because of that history. He disliked seeing me and my husband together and happy. He started messaging my husband and engaging with his posts. It felt intentional, like he wanted to prove that my marriage was not as solid as it appeared.
Seeing Adrian’s photos on my husband’s laptop sent me over the edge.
I confronted my husband immediately. At first, he tried to gaslight me. He does not know that I accessed his laptop. I told him that one of his Close Friends had told me, which was believable. After a lot of yelling and crying, he admitted everything. He apologized and said it was just a kink. He said he did not feel comfortable sharing that part of himself with me.
I told him how angry and exhausted I felt. I was worn down by his messiness, his obsession with work, and now his betrayal. He told me he hated when I played Nintendo in bed and that those were the moments when he would sneak away to take photos. I feel like his response was not proportional. I would only play Nintendo because he was still working late into the night.
He also admitted that Adrian had liked his pictures first and that he took the bait and engaged with him.
After a few days of anger and tears, I told him I forgave him.
I want to forgive him. I believe he did not sleep with anyone, and I believe he will not do it again. I believe he gave in to temptation and poor judgment.
What hurts the most is not Grindr or his kink. It is how public it was. It feels humiliating. It feels like I was being mocked. He was not discreet. Some of the people on that Close Friends list are people I know. I feel exposed and ashamed, even though I did nothing wrong.
Right now, I feel angry and depressed. I do not know if our relationship can recover. I also do not know if I want it to. I know I am furious at Adrian, but I do not even know how to confront him. Before this, he was just the husband of someone I dated briefly over a decade ago. Now he feels like an unwanted part of my marriage.
I recently found out that my husband has been cheating on me online. We are both gay men, 36 and 37 years old.
He was sexting other men on Grindr and sharing underwear and nude photos on Instagram. He had a Close Friends list with about thirty gay men. For months, he posted stories in his underwear and flirted with them. I found out by accident. I do not believe he had sex with any of them, but to me, it was still cheating.
We have been married for two years and together for six years total.
Before I found out, our relationship was already strained. He had become very messy at home. He would not clean, would not do laundry, and left the bathroom dirty. Sometimes he would not even flush. I tolerated it because I wanted peace and kept telling myself he was stressed from work.
We both work from home and used to get along well. Over the past year, that changed. He became consumed by work. Even though we both worked full time, most of the housework fell on me.
About three months ago, he suddenly started cleaning the bathroom and paying more attention to his hygiene. He bought new underwear and seemed more focused on his appearance. I took this as progress. I thought he was finally making an effort. What I did not realize was that he never wore that underwear with me. I assumed he was tired or overwhelmed. When we did have sex, he never finished.
Around the same time, he became anxious about money. We have always kept separate finances and split expenses evenly. When he suddenly became cheap and secretive, I knew something was wrong.
I eventually opened his laptop and guessed his password. He had shared passwords with me before, and it was easy to figure out. He did not have social media logged in, but he had saved screenshots. There were screenshots of every Instagram story he posted and a list of his Close Friends.
One of the men in those photos was Adrian. Adrian is married to Juan, a man I hooked up with about twelve years ago. Juan and I never had a friendship or any kind of relationship after that. By coincidence, we later ended up living in the same neighborhood. We would run into each other occasionally, exchange a polite hello, and move on.
I had told my husband about Juan long ago. He was just an old Tinder hookup from over a decade ago. There was nothing more to it.
What I later learned is that Adrian resented me because of that history. He disliked seeing me and my husband together and happy. He started messaging my husband and engaging with his posts. It felt intentional, like he wanted to prove that my marriage was not as solid as it appeared.
Seeing Adrian’s photos on my husband’s laptop sent me over the edge.
I confronted my husband immediately. At first, he tried to gaslight me. He does not know that I accessed his laptop. I told him that one of his Close Friends had told me, which was believable. After a lot of yelling and crying, he admitted everything. He apologized and said it was just a kink. He said he did not feel comfortable sharing that part of himself with me.
I told him how angry and exhausted I felt. I was worn down by his messiness, his obsession with work, and now his betrayal. He told me he hated when I played Nintendo in bed and that those were the moments when he would sneak away to take photos. I feel like his response was not proportional. I would only play Nintendo because he was still working late into the night.
He also admitted that Adrian had liked his pictures first and that he took the bait and engaged with him.
After a few days of anger and tears, I told him I forgave him.
I want to forgive him. I believe he did not sleep with anyone, and I believe he will not do it again. I believe he gave in to temptation and poor judgment.
What hurts the most is not Grindr or his kink. It is how public it was. It feels humiliating. It feels like I was being mocked. He was not discreet. Some of the people on that Close Friends list are people I know. I feel exposed and ashamed, even though I did nothing wrong.
Right now, I feel angry and depressed. I do not know if our relationship can recover. I also do not know if I want it to. I know I am furious at Adrian, but I do not even know how to confront him. Before this, he was just the husband of someone I dated briefly over a decade ago. Now he feels like an unwanted part of my marriage.
