Looking for advice.

[CygnusKnights]

I'm sorry to be bothering anyone out there.. But I'm feeling really hopeless. I feel a lot of regret, depression, and I'm looking for advice. .

So. Here's my story..
I have this boyfriend who I've recently met off of CraigsList. We don't know much about each other but I'll say we definitely felt attraction and got into a relationship shortly after. He did introduce me to some of his friends.. We're both 18, and he's a closet gay. while I'm a closet bi.

He's a lot taller than me, bigger than me( yes his cock too), and I find him a lot more attractive than me. However, he is the bottom in this relationship. Mind you guys, I was a virgin when I met him. . The point is... I'm a person with low confidence. . . and I constantly feel like I'm not good enough for him. Specially when it comes to size. I have a tiny 4.5x4.5 incher while he's like 7 by 6 or even 7x7. Yeah he's scary thick.. and a crazy precummer....and cummer.... so I managed to do him once 2 weeks ago... that was Me on top of him, with him on his stomach. He was surprised I didn't cum after a few minutes. But honestly. I Didn't come at all. I don't think I could if I wanted to..But I lied and said I did after a while.. Basically that was my first time. After that we took a 2 week break because school started up and we had to resume our old lives, and we just happened to be busy during the weekends. We live about an hour away from each other as well.

But basically.. I'm getting performance anxiety when I'm with him.. And so I tried to hook up with someone totally out of our picture to try and see if I could somehow..do better. It was a one time thing. I love my bf and not this person at all. It didnt work out we didnt do our business. We just stayed in bed kissing and cuddling and this person tried to do me. Of course it didn't happen and I left after that. To make everything worse this was the day of our first month together, me and my bf... not this person I'm lying in bed with... I felt horrible. Totally regretted it. I know I could never tell my bf about it. I also decided to visit my bf on this day also, because... it is our anniv. and i havent seen him in 2 weeks!

I slept over. But I couldnt top him. Performance anxiety. AND NOW GUILT! I'm a cheat! I couldn't bare to tell him I cheated on him. But I regret it so much. And I do have very strong feelings for my BF. And I just wish I didnt cheat and that I could just fuck him like he wants. My short length means i can only do him on his back and me on top. and even in this position I'm not penetrating very well. He wants to sit on me and ride it. But he's 5'11 and I'm 5'6 ish... he's hot... but heavy... and well.. he crushes me in this position making me go soft even more easily as I'm not enjoying it at all..

I do feel like we're moving very fast... and I know he's a very horny person.. I don't know if I can handle it.. But I kept resisting "fucking" him That night. The next day I ended up being very upset that I couldnt tell him I cheated on him. And I'm also embarassed about my performance anxiety. ( I know that communication is key in any relationship... but I feel like I want to somehow just overcome this by myself...I'm 18. I shouldnt ever go soft!!) Basically... I told him I wanted us to break up reason being I'm not good enough. Although the truth is that I'm a total fuck-up for cheating and that my performance anxiety just won't be able to satisfy his needs.

I left his house feeling very broken hearted.. But now he thinks he's the bad boyfriend for rushing everything. HE doesnt know I cheated! I can't tell him. I just can't. I don't know what to do.. I'm so confused. Scared. Sad. Guilty. Embarassed and mad at myself. We both know we have very strong feelings toward one another. But I told him I want us to be friends... not in a relationship (even though we both know that's a lie.) He still considers me to be his Boyfriend as well...

I just don't know how to make everything right. He is my first true love. ( I know those usually dont last) but I feel like this isnt the way to end it either! I don't really know what to do.. Or where to start! That hook-up was a one time thing. I would never cheat on him ever again. I love him. I just cant KEEP IT UP either! This all happened a few days ago. And I'm just very very very mixed up.

I'll probably get yelled at a lot by some of you lpsg members. And I deserve it.. but I'm seriously looking for advice. Or someone to relate to me and what they did.. I'm scared of losing him. But at the same time I just want him to be happy.... even if it means he should be with someone else... I left his house saying we're breaking up. But he refuses that. And I honestly don't want to either. I think he'd be better off with someone else though.. When I sleep over. I'm sneaking over into his room. We live far away. We barely see each other. And I can't even fuck him properly... Should I just end our relationship? I don't want to. But I'm considering it because I want him to be happy...

Once again.. I'm sorry. Please don't flame me with negative remarks. I already know all the shit I deserve.. I need something useful. PRivate message me or whatever. I just need someone to talk to.. I'm hurting. He's hurting. I'm the one at fault.

 

[nealin]

Only two things in this world will set you free, Honesty and Forgiveness.
Try putting all of these heartfelt feelings in a letter to him.

 

[CygnusKnights]

I dont think I could tell him I cheated.. ever. He told me thats how he broke up with his last bf.. 5 months ago.. I dont want to lose him this way... I don't want to completely lose him out of my life.. I'd rather us still be friends. Even if it means I lie about breaking us up for some other reason It just makes everything worse about the day I cheated on him..

 

[nealin]

So your lying to him either way... Being honest with him about cheating and why you did it is the best way to go. And if nothing did happen maybe he wont see it as cheating.

 

[helgaleena]

Yes, if you wish him to stay in your life you must tell him your true feelings. The only way you will get to know each other better is to communicate. He may be able to explain to you somehow why it is he comes so hard and so easily with you. He may explain to you why he finds you so sexy ---and you might believe it!!! Would that be so terrible?

 

[dolfette]

if it's a one off, if you truly regret it, then i don't think honesty is always the best policy...it'll only hurt him.
but this is only my personal opinion.

i really think you should get some therapy.

you sound like you're struggling and talking it through, confidentially, with a sympathetic person might really help. there's so much self loathing oozing from your post.

you're not a monster, a murderer, a rapist.
you're just a confused guy who screwed up once and regrets it with all his heart. you're ok!

 

[D_Anton_Pavlovich_Jerkhov]

No, I don't think you should end this relationship. If he is not satisfied, then let him end it first.

My opinion is that you are both basing your relationship on sex, and there is more than sex in any relationship. So, why don't you two try and be friends as well, doing things together, going to places together, getting to know facts about each other, not only while you are in bed? This can only intensify your bond with him and possibly increase your self-esteem.

I am hesitating to call you a cheater just because of that failed adventure (misadventure?). I think you'd be better not to bring it up now, maybe later when you are more confident about his possible reaction.

There could be some sexual incompatibility between you and him, but this shouldn't be a definitive reason for you to break up now. If anything, this incompatibility can be worked out, so that both of you can give pleasure to each other and get pleasure from each other. Don't give up so soon. It is important to relax and be willing to explore other possibilities. Don't they say that love and sex is a kind of art? How can you learn all the tricks of this art in a couple of encounters?

Find physical activities for yourself, so you can release your tension and gain self-esteem.

Make friends with this guy and don't let sex be the only measure in this relationship.

 

[NotSoDumb_Blonde]

One more thing, and all these posts have been full of good, if conflicting, advice. You are not less than him because you are smaller! Size really, really shouldn't make you feel like you can't give him pleasure. I'm not a guy, but...well, I think if there is this love between you, and he wants you to top him, then you must be the right size! As to the positions, try sitting in a chair! or on a bed? The side of a pool? There are lots of ways to make love, try those and don't worry about your size. He must love it, so if this worries you, ask him, tell him your fears! You might not have to tell him about the other man, not if you didn't do anything, but if it's eating you up inside? You might. But either way, talk to him about your size issue!!! I bet he doesn't see it as an issue.

Good luck and never apologize for seeking out help. I think that's harder to do then simply sink further in pain!

hugs
bj

 

[CygnusKnights]

Okay.... I've decided... I won't tell him about that one time event. I don't see how that could do us any good at all.. I'm just going to push that out of my mind and pretend it never happened...

Right now things are pretty messed up.. he told 2 of his close friends we might be over... even though he refuses to accept us breaking up.. he wont agree to it.. we talked a bit.. but it's different now.. I keep focussing in on trying to get him to do better in school.. This relationship is not all about sex. I just only mentioned that part.. Even when I was WITH WITH him before these complications.. he'd just never try hard in school and now it's only worse.. and I'm still workin on it... we're both just sort of ignoring the fact that I'm the one insisting on us breaking up.. and we don't want to go there at all... but our anniversary date is still on his name... so I'm not sure he's willing to break up ..

And if not... why? Because he doesn't want to be alone? Or does he really want me for me? He seems to be a very spoiled pampered careless child to be honest. I sometimes have trouble knowing HIM! And Like I said I feel we're moving too fast and that I've said this many times with him... I still feel like I don't know him enough. I know bits and pieces only..

I agree honesty is a good way to approach this.. but I don't know... I feel like something in me will never be able to fully satisfy him.. and also.. I don't know how if it's just okay to say... I don't want to break up anymore. I mean what's done.. is done! I can't just take it back like that...how can I make a smooth transition without looking like a selfish jerk? I also feel like I'm the jerk.. because he still feels like the quilty party here.. He likes to blame himself for things also.. It bugs me! As of right now.. this MOMENT. He's playing an online game.. while I'm asking him to go to bed.. and I won't go until he does.. =\ He's starting to consider me "just a friend" although there is still an emotional attachment to me.. I want him back.. I want to make sure he'll be okay in school. and that he's happy. and I want to be there... I just dont know how! It may be too late to do anything.. we might become just friends if I don't do anything ... I don't want that... but maybe he's better off? I dont know.. what can I do? what should I do? :\

---------------------
Lastly, I'd like to thank all those who have given me advice. It's definitely calmed me down, and given me things to think about. I definitely appreciate it! It may not be professional help but it's definitely chicken soup for MY soul. :\
I'm really glad there was a place for me to just SPEAK! I'm still very shakey about this all.. But I'm glad I had somewhere to turn to.. Thank you all SO MUCH!

 

[sexplease]

you must be friends with your lovers first.
If a friendship turns to passionate romance, all the better, but all healthy relationships survive because of what you put into them (and what you receive in returned): honesty, communication and fun.

 

[SpeedoMike]

a few visits to a counselor or sex therapist might help. let me assure you that not everybody starts out with perfect sex. you might find The Joy of Gay Sex helpful.

 

[Darkriff]

As someone else said, a releationship is a friendship taken further. You can't have a lover without a friend IMO. What you seem to be lacking is a strong, firm form of communication with him. Sit him down and talk to him. I wouldn't necessarily sit there for say 12 hours chatting it up personally digging up every tiny detail about what he likes and his past. But take the talking a little slow, just strike up a conversation about your hopes, dreams, likes, dislikes, and have him follow suit. You'll both learn more about each other that way. As far as the penetrative portion of it, there's always "frot" I believe it is. Sex doesn't have to be limited to penetration as you know. There's some gay couples that never do anal. I had a friend who's wife never wanted to be eaten out. She absolutely hated it, so just because there's something lacking because of the reasons you listed, if you're that uncomfortable with it just don't do it if you don't want to. I'm sure he'll understand and love you either way. But the biggest key you seem to be missing is communication. Once you have a strong basis for that, I think you'll be heading in a much better place in your relationship.

As far as the cheating goes, you'll have to ask yourself one question with that. "Will this effect me personally to the point where it would cause a strain on our relationship?" If the answer to that question is yes, then it would honestly probably be better to end it. If you can never tell him, then that's fine hide it. But if hiding it would cause such a strain on the relationship IE: So guilty that you have problems with trust, looking him in the eyes, causes problems with sex, ect. Then there's not much you can do and it's best to say bye. In all fairness, if you can't forgive yourself for it, then it's going to create issues within the relationship itself, and if you truly care about him, that's not fair to him at all. So whether it's forgiveness of yourself, or your telling him the truth and him forgiving you, forgiveness has to be given.

 

[helgaleena]

Cygnus, you seem to have been satisfying him sexually just fine. It's the rest of your relation with him-- pushing him to concentrate and be less 'immature' by your definition-- where you are feeling that you cannot satisfy him.

I think you have a preconceived notion of an ideal relationship and want it to be with this breathtakingly beautiful and sexy man in particular. Then you find that he loves what you do in bed, but he is not acting like 'relationship material' away from the bed, and it is making you feel ugly when you are not because you are not satisfied simply by his coming like a geyser. You require more, from him.

This may not be fair of you. You must realize he can look like a model and still have character flaws. He does not mind your not looking like a model at all, why do you? Because you have a preconceived notion. You want him to be steadier in his character for his own good of course, but do you nag? Could you still find him sexy and beautiful if his character did not mature? That is how to tell if you truly care for him or just a preconceived notion of him.

 

[CygnusKnights]

I don't think about the cheating anymore. I'm focussed on him now. I want us to get back together. I'm not gonna tell him about that one time situation because I know it won't ever happen again...Also we'll need to talk and work on our communication..

Sure we all have flaws.. I like him as he is! I don't nag.. at least not often.. I'll do it once a week or less... it's just that he's playing games obsessively to the point where he's failing things and well... he'll need to have good grades to get into a proper school or risk repeating the year.. I don't want that.. I love his immature side.. I'm actually more immature than he is..

when it comes to sex.. like I said.. I may have performance anxiety? or something else.. I've had hook ups randomly before as well.. but i cant seem to cum.. i'm not aroused enough... but with porn i can.. i think i've become porn dependent or something like that.. it's just a lot of different problems that's all balled up in one situation... I know some of you say " seek professional help " but I'm 18... and I have to even get financial aid for school.. I can't afford that kind of thing.. so here's the next best thing. LPSG and LPSG only, because I've been lurking around here long enough to know that there's good help here too.. Thanks everyone for such positive help. You people truely are amazing!!

 

[sexplease]

don't be so hard on yourself. your twenties are for exploring and finding things that work for you or not. Give yourself some time to grow up and into your life.
patience is the key

 

[helgaleena]

Trust this guy to stop playing games and let him exercise his own willpower. If he feels secure about your liking him, he'll be more steady in other areas. As you say, both of you have growing up to do. Best to you both.