I would expect love, support, patience, etc. Now that does put the shoe on the other foot, doesn't it?
I’m so sorry for your situation. Unfortunately we’re not professionals. You should seek counseling for yourself to help you process all of this. Books can help too. For example, Andrew Solomon is gay man that has written beautifully and extensively on mental illness, including his own.
A good relationship is one that is in equilibrium. Equal in regards that you are both equally benefiting in one way or another.
As long as this is occurring or will occur soon, you will be fine. The blame comes when you spend the years hoping for change and that that change doesn't come. You resent the time lost or the anguish suffered.
But it seems you are going through this with both eyes open so only you can know what is best.
headbang8
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Words like these give me great confidence that you’re on the right track. Even in the most intimate of relationships, personal boundaries are an asset to maintain everyone’s emotional health. Stay strong, and don’t hesitate to reach out if you find yourself struggling.
damn, where do I find a guy like you? the more I read your posts the more I'm moved by your dedication. It's refreshing to see a gay guy so attuned to the values of overcoming the rocky roads of commitment. May I ask your age? I'm curious what generation you come from.
This isn't going to be a popular comment. Nonetheless...
Relationships are hard. I never could make one last more than 6-7 years. So I envy your determination to make this one last.
The number one symptom that EVERY form of mental illness shares, is the inability to establish and/or maintain a relationship with other people. It's a problem for every form of MI.
My personal take on all of this is that I don't date the mentally ill. If others want to do that, ok for them. I don't do it. Nothing will break your heart faster or harder, and it's through no fault of their own. But they still do it.
Relationships are hard. I never could make one last more than 6-7 years. So I envy your determination to make this one last.
The number one symptom that EVERY form of mental illness shares, is the inability to establish and/or maintain a relationship with other people. It's a problem for every form of MI.
My personal take on all of this is that I don't date the mentally ill. If others want to do that, ok for them. I don't do it. Nothing will break your heart faster or harder, and it's through no fault of their own. But they still do it.
I didn't know he was, until longer after we lived together. It's been difficult and often heartbreaking. I was in need of mental health counseling some years ago, and wanted to get better. I did, and feel more or less nornal, save for the basic tension I believe we all experience in ordinary life. The fundamental difference in values between my partner and I is that he says he "feels entitled to [his] pain", and so has been reluctant to professionally address it, as if dispensing himaelf of it would destroy his identity. Well, he is now in therapy. It took great time and effort to make that happen. But, he sought and picked out the Doctor, himself, so he is at least proceeding on his own two feet. Still, I long for the day when he is more normal again.
Update: things are patchy, but progressing. Therapy, to my knowledge, has intensofied, mostly from what he has taken into it. There is much to work on, but it is not hopeless.
bravesoldier
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Please for your sake get out NOW. You will be dead from grief before you know it. I understand you love him, but it WILL destroy you. I was in a situation far less than yours, but my ex's behavior destroyed our relationship and me too, almost.
May I have some context, please? Give me som basic outline what happened to you so that I may properly sympathize in my own situation.
Update: in the interest of obtaining long-term stability for my partner and I, it finally dawned on me that there could be a medical reason for his behavior/ demeanor that has been overlooked. I am thinking possible hypothyroidism for fatigue, lethargy, and mood swings. If not that, perhaps something else. But if it were hypothyroidism, I would be delighted that not only were this properly identified, but that there was a treatment plan available.
bravesoldier
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Basically, he was a narcissist. Everything revolved around him and his thoughts. He was hyper and was sever OCD. He NEVER stopped running his mouth. He'd call me, and 20 minutes after I answered he'd have not stopped talking. He was basically a sex addict and sexual whore. He seemed to have zero limits on things he'd do sexually, up to hooking up with his son's gay best friend. And, some of the things I went for, looking back now are staggering to me. If there was something I wanted to talk about that he didn't, he'd shut me down. It was totally insane. I thought about breaking it off with him after the very first date, but I ended up staying with him 4.5 years. Once he didn't visit me at my place for 9 months, then when a hot guy near me was available he decided to come to my place. That was the last straw.
He was out of control, the relationship was draining, and it was a huge relief when I left him.
I am sorry for your experience, that must have been very painful. I appreciate your comments and clarification. Mine and my partner's situation is far less serious. There have been instances pf narcissism and hyperactivity, but nothing near to what you described, particularly with speaking or having doubts on the first date; we fell in love on our first date. We've also never experienced issues with hypersexuality or infidelity. Therefore, it is interesting to see how our situation could be far worse, but it isn't. I love him. He is at times very difficult, annoying, disrespectful, and rude. There has not been anything for which he hasn't eventually apologized and tried to work on. He's going through some terrible stuff that he has over-involved me in to the point of mistreatment. But this is a life-long commitment. What I believe I was looking for in this forum is what to do, provided that it is aimed at maintaining and increasing the quality of the relationship with my partner. I love him, and we cannot be parted; this is why we decided to make a home together and develop long-term goals.
bravesoldier
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I admire you for your love and dedication to him, and I see your situation is nowhere near as bad as mine was. I wish you all the best in your relationship with him.
jasperdejong
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Sounds like your partner could be struggling with a personality disorder such as Borderline or Narcissism, or possibly both, with histrionic traits. Keep in mind, an official diagnose can only be done by a licensed therapist. But you may want to look up videos on Borderline. Things may click for you.
What I did with my partner was export our whatsapp conversation to a text file, then threw that into chatgpt and asked it to look at the personality dynamics and possible disorders. It gave me a "diagnose" and I looked up videos and the puzzle pieces started to fall in place.
Both Borderline and Narcissism have their roots in childhood. If your partner is BPD for instance, it was caused by heavy trauma during the first years of childhood. This can be abandonment, abuse, etc. Not their fault. They are however responsible for their actions.
These people operate on a different system than others, and what's logical for you may not be logical for them. People with BPD have unstable moods and can act recklessly. They also have a hard time managing their emotions consistently.
In the case of my partner, it all of that is prevalent. My partner will also occasionally throw lies or accusations at me, just to cause chaos. Instead of defending yourself against those lies or accusations, try to look at the underlying issue. What is it that your partner needs? Reassurance? Validation? Safety?
That said. A large part of these relationships do not last if the mentally ill partner doesn't seek treatment. To add to the drama, they don't like to be told that they need treatment and telling them will result in more rage / manipulation.
If you must stay with your partnery, my advice would be to kindly but firmly assert your boundaries and protect them.
What I did with my partner was export our whatsapp conversation to a text file, then threw that into chatgpt and asked it to look at the personality dynamics and possible disorders. It gave me a "diagnose" and I looked up videos and the puzzle pieces started to fall in place.
Both Borderline and Narcissism have their roots in childhood. If your partner is BPD for instance, it was caused by heavy trauma during the first years of childhood. This can be abandonment, abuse, etc. Not their fault. They are however responsible for their actions.
These people operate on a different system than others, and what's logical for you may not be logical for them. People with BPD have unstable moods and can act recklessly. They also have a hard time managing their emotions consistently.
In the case of my partner, it all of that is prevalent. My partner will also occasionally throw lies or accusations at me, just to cause chaos. Instead of defending yourself against those lies or accusations, try to look at the underlying issue. What is it that your partner needs? Reassurance? Validation? Safety?
That said. A large part of these relationships do not last if the mentally ill partner doesn't seek treatment. To add to the drama, they don't like to be told that they need treatment and telling them will result in more rage / manipulation.
If you must stay with your partnery, my advice would be to kindly but firmly assert your boundaries and protect them.
What you typed very much resonates with my own partner's struggles. He has significant childhood trauma surrounding issues with abandonment and a lack of boundaries. I think what my parner need is safety, even if that is jjst showing it through a hug. I have resisted doing thay during his fits, oit in principle, but I may have to do that in order to address the underlying issue, as you wrote. I will continue to assert my boundaries. I am hopeful that I can speak the language of this madness, and that we may meet in the safety of the middle.
Very intriguing post. It is very helpful to the both of us. I shall continue to do research on. BPD. God bless you, friend. Have a great weekend.
jasperdejong
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People typically develop the base for what becomes borderline young, so if your partner is untreated it will take years of treatment for them to understand. While I understand the need to do research on BPD (I was guilty of that myself and did it obsessively) it may be more important to do some research regarding your own trauma wounds, your codependency and your attachment style(s). And ask yourself why you feel the need to "save" and / or "parent" them. What does that stem from, when you look at the core issues of your own trauma.
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Being a former psychiatric out-patient, I already have that knowledge. I don't see any fundamental link betweem my negative life events and taking care of my partner. Keeping him safe has always been very important, because it consisted of keeping bad people away who hurt him in many, horrible ways. They cannot hurt him anymore.
