My Predicament

[phins2left]

Wow. Just wow.

I'm not a therapist and have never been to one, but it seems to me that when you got to the point of writing this post, inside you already knew what you needed to do.

There is a big, gay, fulfilling life out there waiting for you, but you can't get there from inside this relationship, and if you try you probably will end up hurting yourself and your wife. I am sending positive thoughts your way.

 

[silvertriumph2]

Hey tbm....Glad to hear that everything is working out so well and
that it will be an amicable spit.....keep it that way and it will turn out okay.
I wish you BOTH all the very best and a happy future....

 

[Mastur]

Certainly one of the best threads I've read on here. Adult, intelligent, thought provoking, insightful, full of humanity and pathos.

Tea, I was touched by your plight and the journey you've undertaken and I'm extremely happy that things seem to be working out for you. I have faith that you will find inner peace and joy sooner than you think.

Good luck.

 

[Belly_Dancer]

Certainly one of the best threads I've read on here. Adult, intelligent, thought provoking, insightful, full of humanity and pathos.

Tea, I was touched by your plight and the journey you've undertaken and I'm extremely happy that things seem to be working out for you. I have faith that you will find inner peace and joy sooner than you think.

Good luck.

This^^^

And:

My ex and I split 3 1/2 years ago due to issues of incompatibility, and it took a long, long time before we were ready to make that decision. Knowing my marriage should end and actually ending it were a long way apart for me -- about 13 years apart.

But when we finally decided to call it quits, it was very much like what you are describing...a calm, rational discussion about how we should proceed with splitting up.

I don't know what it is like in NC but I got divorced in Colorado, and there, you can have a moderator write up your separation agreement -- you don't actually need a lawyer to do it, if you are amicable and both want to use the same person. We used a moderator and I believe it cost less than using an attorney would have.

We were totally in agreement about how to split up the assets and debts, we just needed someone to write it up in legalese.

I cannot say enough good things about remaining friends with your ex. My ex and I don't talk all that often anymore, but when we do, it is with the utmost respect, and we remember our good times together with fondness. Just last year, he needed help with his resume, and he felt comfortable coming to me. And this year an old tax situation came back to bite us both in the ass, and we worked together to resolve it. I wish him all the best in his new relationships and he wishes me well in mine. This is all so, so much better than the bitterness I have often seen between exes.

It sounds from your posts like you still have a lot of feelings for your wife, and some attachment to your way of life, so it may not be easy to break free. Just try to keep focused on the (very valid) reasons you are doing this, and don't let yourself get clouded by nostalgia for the parts that did work. You can always reminisce about those later, when the two of you are what you probably should have been all along -- "just" good friends.

 

[LPSGeezer]

Once upon a time I was with a woman for 11yrs (for real) and during that time her friends, her younger sister all told her that I was gay, it hurt, but more than that it was a scary thing to hear because I had known it all of my life and even called myself 'bi' before accepting that I am gay. I believe that being with her has given me a greater understanding of myself and of women or woman since they are not all the same and that what you are describing is something similar to what I went thru. In the end we agreed to untangle ourselves financially over the period of a year and then I moved out at that time. It set her free to find a man who is heterosexual, she may have had to worry about other women but that is better than living in limbo wondering if her husband is going to cheat on her with another man. Looking back we were nothing more than party pals who slept together all of the time. I caved to society's idea that I had to date and marry a woman, so I sucked it up and did just that but I have to say that before her there were no men sexually for me and two women, so although I knew that I was gay I ignored how I felt and denied myself the truth. I should not have been married because it was all a lie, yes I loved her, yes I found her attractive and yes we had great sex, but there was always an underlying shadow that got in the way of the both of us. I became depressed from suppressing who I was, she became angry and cheated on me with other men. I outed myself to her and we parted within that one year time frame. I met her 'other' man and now she's married to him with a 19yr old son. Setting the both of us free was the best thing that I could have done for the both of us. Be yourself, set her free, set yourself free and move forward wearing your new shoes, you will be so grateful to yourself and will find that you can breathe easier, and sleep better an night.
I wish you every good thing on your path to sexual freedom and honesty. The love you shared will fade, but if you don't have a nasty background at the end of the marriage then you can look back on fond memories with no remorse that you waited so long that now you're both too old to find a HOT man. Let go while you are young no matter how hard it may be, you will thank yourself in the end for liberating your life and finally being able to step into the life that you should have had all along. If hurting her is holding you back from filing, talk to her about it and then do it for YOU otherwise the sham of a marriage will end up hurting the both of you over a long period of time, and that is more destructive than the finality of a divorce could ever be, the both of you can be free to make plans, move forward and start to feel excited about life again. The truth wins every time. Good Luck!

 

[B_subgirrl]

Just an update for those of you who have read this thread...

Well it's kind of a huge deal, actually...

I went to my therapist on Monday of this week, and was pretty sure about what I needed to do. I had realized that I was gay, and that I needed to end the relationship. I went and had dinner at my parents' house this past Thursday, and explained the situation to them... I came out to them for the second time, in essence, because I had basically already come out before my visit to London. Then I just had a phone conversation with my wife this evening (remember she is down at "the farm" skydiving), and it was very evident that we were both on the same page. Basically what we discussed was not whether or not we were going to stay together but how we should go about getting our divorce. It was amazingly rational and matter-of-fact.

She is coming back to town in just over a week, and we are going to go see a lawyer--probably use the same lawyer because we have very few assets to divide, and I think there should be very little stress in regards to straightening that stuff out. Luckily in NC, the law is such that you can file your separation papers and backdate them to the last time you had sex, which was over a year ago, and you only have to be separated a year before you can get a divorce. So we can be done with all of this probably within a month!

Thanks so much to everyone who provided their advice! Apparently my wife and I were much farther down the path than I had realized, and this has been a very smooth process so far! *knocks on wood*

Everything is going to be ok, and we will go on with our lives, leading happier and more fulfilled lives than we thought were possible. Thanks again!

Only just found this - must have missed it when you posted it.

I'm really glad that you seem to have found a path that will work for you and that all seems to be going smoothly. Best of luck :smile:

 

[teabagme69]

Many thanks to everyone who has posted and/or PM'd me expressing concern! I am consistently impressed with the amount of compassion and concern I have seen here. Everything is going well. My wife is coming back to town on Monday, and has an appointment with a lawyer on Tuesday. We will see how it goes from there. Should be pretty straightforward. I can almost afford the house payment and bills and food on my salary, where she would struggle more, and my parents can afford to help, so I am keeping the house. Other than that the only things we have to divide are a small amount of cash, and furniture. Should be simple. *knocks on wood*

Again, I am so incredibly appreciative of the comments.

 

[Skip R]

I think you might find reading Andrew Tobias (the financial columnist and writer) autobiography, "The Best Little Boy in the World." Amazon.com: The Best Little Boy in the World (Modern Library) (9780679603146): Andrew Tobias: Books A lot of us who have grown up and later realized we were gay or bi (in my case) realized at a young age that there was something different about us, and Andrew, also like many of us, subconsciously tried to compensate for that by being the "best boy" he could be. This meant pleasing everyone around him, excelling for them and not for himself, because he had to both hide who he was and make up for somehow failing them for being who he was. I see a lot of this sort of thinking in your letter. I can't (nor should I) tell you what to do, and I'm very glad you're getting therapy (keep at it!) but I think this book may be helpful to you, to see someone else in what is perhaps a similar situation. Amazon has it used for only $4, so it's very worth it. Whatever happens, YOU are worth it. Believe in yourself, what you want matters, and be proud of who you are. -Skip

 

[joeweekend]

You really need to get this squared away, because there's some beautiful cock that's going to waste there, teabagger.

 

[teabagme69]

Wow, Joe. I really appreciate that! You have quite a nice cock yourself.

My wife and I are currently in the process of getting things squared away. She had a consultation with an attorney, who we will both use for the divorce. We have so little to divide, and we are both so agreeable and ready to be done with this, that there was no point in us hiring separate attorneys.

After her consultation, she came to the house, and we discussed how we would divide all of our (limited) assets. In the state of North Carolina, you are required to be legally separated for a year before you can file for divorce, but there is a loophole that you can backdate your separation papers to an agreed-upon date, and since we have not had sex in over a year we can both agree that it has been more than a year since we separated. We will be divorced VERY soon!