Open Relationships Possible In Reality?

[Jc40952]

My partner and I have been together for almost 6 years and for all intents and purposes are pretty damn happy. We enjoy each other’s company, are very affectionate, like the same things, love couch time together and don’t like being apart even for a night. Our sex life, however, is not great. We haven’t fooled around in a couple months and probably same amount of time before that. Since the beginning I’ve been more adventurous and wanted to go further but he’s solely interested in oral and really nothing else which kind of sucks (pun intended) for me. I’m pretty sure we’ll get engaged soon but this is a pretty big sticking point as can be imagined. I think he would be kind of hurt if I hinted at just purely sex with another person every once in a while so never brought up anything like that (though I did bring it up in the very early days and it didn’t go too well).

Open to thoughts on similar situations and how you handled it, possible solutions, etc. I know someone is going to say you have to talk about it and be open but I don’t even know where to start. Feel like I’m inching closer to sneaking around but I’m a guilty person and know it would probably eat away at me and then hurt him. Can elaborate if needed and appreciated in advance.

 

[TouchMeHere]

In my opinion, based on my personal experience, you have to negotiate it up front or you will never be happy in the relationship. The catch 22 is bringing it up now might cost you the relationship... but not bringing it up now will cost you the relationship after years of frustration which is likely to involve a good dose of anger. I think it's better to swallow your bitter pill now rather than later. You probably can't have it both ways.

 

[Melbs]

Although sex in our relationship is pretty good, I have always wanted to have that discussion with my partner. I would love a little more action on the side. We occasionally hook up with others but generally overseas and just at bars etc, so nothing since 2019 The thing is, like you, I know how the chat would go if I bought it up, so I don’t bother.

I guess you have to decide if the sex you are getting is enough. If it’s a deal breaker then you don’t have much choice but to bring it up. Better to do it sooner rather than later. I think a 3some with another dude is a good place to start.

 

[chancesare]

Maybe you start with the problem at hand, which is that you there isn't enough sex in your relationship. Have that discussion in a loving, tender way. Over time, he may make the suggestion himself.

 

[halcyondays]

I"m not in an exclusive relationship. I gave them up when I was young in part because I and girlfriends cheated. Most was discovered after the fact.

That said long ago a couple of married friends who attempted open relationships failed because they violated the details of their agreement especially full disclosure. Secrets were kept. Jealousy and insecurity simmered underneath. Both ended in divorce. They had other problems in their marriages but the open relationship supplied the excuse to bail--the final straw.

IMO your boyfriend will bail if you bring it up. Traditional marriage is based on five vows. One of those is forsaking all others. Gay marriage hasn't changed that.

Glad as I am that gay marriage is a legal reality in the US I do not support or believe in marriage because it is based on a religious sacrament. The two should have been separated here in 1791 when the Bill of Rights separated church and state.

IMO humans are insecure. Marriage buys (or attempts to buy) security but at the price of honesty and freedom. And the old canard that a vow sets you free comes at the same price.

 

[Sagittarius84]

I think healthy way an open relationship can exist is if it's formed upon that foundation. I think if openness is requested after the fact, aside from the rare situation where a partner wants their SO to be allowed freedom a la a cuckolding or cuckqueaning situation, it's always either going to weigh down upon the partner that was previously satisfied with monogamy, or the partner that requested the opening once they realize the SO enjoys more opportunities where they see few, if any.

 

[ilovecock67]

In my humble opinion and experience I’ve found one wants an open relationship more than the other. I’m now in a happy monogamous relationship as I found I was surprisingly insecure and couldn’t cope with the constant doubts that he’d find someone better. Ironically it was me who found someone better as the guy I met wanted a monogamous relationship and 25 years later still very happy (we did play together with others for a very short period but it wasn’t for us).

 

[ScotCock]

I’ve been in an open relationship for seven years. For us we love each other intrinsically, so what really is the occasional fumble when there is no love attached like with nearly all gay meets. For us it’s really normal and if anything I quite enjoy him playing about haha. I don’t get couples that break up over a drunk one night stand. Seems quite a waste. Love and sex are very different things. A blow job doesn’t mean I love my partner any less. If anything it’s given us a new dimension and one less thing to worry about than being paranoid.

 

[deleted10500801]

I honestly believe monogamy and promiscuity are two extremes with the same root cause - insecurity and fear.

The key is balance. You can be sexually exclusive with a person and still leave the door open for sexual experiences with others, it's about open communication and honestly, also allowance that people have free will and sometimes will give into spontaneous desire and have a zipless fuck. This isn't a reflection on the primary relationship, it's just pure sex without attachment or meaning. At the same time sex with friends is a great way for bonding and mutual pleasure and there are a hell of a lot of couples of all orientations, who have sex with friends and there's no issue.

 

[jayster1997]

why don't you have threesomes so you can join in too or just sit and watch thats one of my fantasys !!

 

[MilfBanger78]

In my experience having only been in hetero relationships its almost impossible. Swinging is even tough to carry on for long with a partner. Ive had gf's that swung with me and eventually they get jealous. Ive known a ton of swinger couples, many seemed happy but eventually split up. These things really have to be hashed out before entering into a relationship.

Most gay couples I have known generally enjoy bringing a 3rd or more into the bedroom for fun. The male sexual psyche is just different, and its a diff dynamic within a male-male relationship. Open relationships though definitely will play with ones ego

 

[deleted10500801]

In my experience having only been in hetero relationships its almost impossible. Swinging is even tough to carry on for long with a partner. Ive had gf's that swung with me and eventually they get jealous. Ive known a ton of swinger couples, many seemed happy but eventually split up. These things really have to be hashed out before entering into a relationship.

Most gay couples I have known generally enjoy bringing a 3rd or more into the bedroom for fun. The male sexual psyche is just different, and its a diff dynamic within a male-male relationship. Open relationships though definitely will play with ones ego

It's because society shames women for being non-monogamous. For example women who have children to different men are shamed for being sluts, even if they were in monogamous relationships when they had the kids.

If society allowed men and women to have sexual relationships like same sex attracted people, then swinging culture would be totally different and so would womens psyche towards sex. I'm sure there are many women out there who'll enjoy sharing a young bull with their girlfriends poolside on a summer afternoon if it was socially acceptable.

 

[BigBen]

I believe there is no "one answer". Each person, each couple, each situation is different...even in the same couple...over time.

I do know one couple....they truly adore each other. They have been together for several decades. They do not wear wedding rings...though that has been in the last ten years or so. She wears two gold ankle chains on her right ankle.
When they met she was the real life woman who in college had sex with the entire basketball team, most of the football team, and dozens of others...as well as the "best" and "biggest" of opposing teams...really....she and her girlfriends would make "road trips" on weekends to other schools in search of "stud".

And she was...and is....spectacular looking. Stunning bombshell....but in the "girl next door" way.

Even her mannerisms. But she was...and is...a true nymphomaniac....her first "love" is sex. If the guy is a real stud...and the bigger the better (to a point....I am far too big for her on all but some rare occasions)....she will go endlessly for sex. But...a dud guy...failed an "audition" and won't get a "call back".

She does have standards....just like any really great woman does...but once she starts sex with men...or multiple men...who meet her standards...she really is insatiable.

Even today...decades after college....she has sex, counting her husband who has a really big "horse" cock....she will start her day with sex with him at least twice...then have a late morning appointment with a "friend with benefits"...and drain them dry in a few hours.....then drive to have a "late lunch" appointment with another "friend with benefits"...drain them dry in a few hours....then drive to have a "late afternoon" appointment with another "friend with benefits"....then drive to an "early evening" appointment...drain them...drive to meet her husband for a late dinner out...then go home and fuck him 2-3 times until he is exhausted.

She does this most every day...with occasional other "errands" interposed in her day as does have a household to run...lol.

So on most week days...she has sex with 3-4 other men each and every day....and over the week about 15-16 different men...not counting her husband.

And on weekends she will have, usually on Saturday...only two "appointments"....late morning and mid afternoon...then home to husband.

On Sunday she only...usually...does her husband..unless they went to an overnight hotel stay swinger party then she will want to have all the men she liked at least once more before midday check out on Sunday. The thing is this...every guy she has sex with more than the "auction" sex...has a cock at least as big...either as long...or as thick...or both... as her husbands...some are bigger...and some are a lot bigger...but she says the "best" one in her is her husbands...for day to day sex...but she does like the others for variety and for the many orgasms she craves. And it has taken her years to find and meet and set up her network of friends with benefits. She is always looking for new "talent" to join with her "friends with benefits" list...but her standards are very high that most "studs" just do not have the size and virility she wants and chooses to be with.

Some women might/would call her promiscuous....or a "whore"...neither is correct. She and her husband have an arrangement....

When they married...he knew all about her sex around school. He dated her anyway. She adored him and fell in love. And his big cock he had a lot of other offers too.

So...they worked it out...she had to be discreet...and none of their neighbors and "friends" for several decades "knows"....though some might "suspect something"...no one really knows anything. And as for him...he is free to put his big cock wherever he wishes when he wishes...and he does when he travels on business to the same two cities...he has a small group of "lovers"..."friends with benefits" in both cities. And several he sees often in the city he goes to for his daily career.

So on an average week...he fucks at least 4-6 other women. And she does not care in the slightest unless one of them does something or other to in any way "hurt" him...as I wrote...she truly adores him...it is in her eyes when she looks at him...and he is her total adoration too...he waits on her hand and foot...but also he fucks her 4-5 times a day...every single day.
And she is one of those nymphomaniac women who can orgasm just by looking at or touching a big cock...she can orgasm several times...not touching herself at all...just by giving oral to get a lover hard before fucking...and she is endless orgasms when fucking with most any of her lovers.
No wonder her husband adores her.

Unfortunately for me....she says that I have the only cock she says that is "too big" for her and too much for her...she passes out from the orgasms and exhaustion....and wakes up and wants "more" but does not have the strength to do "more"...so her husband says I have the "gift of too much for her and too virile" for her to keep up with...the only one they say that has always "out fucked" and exhausted her insatiable nature. Which in practical terms means she called and schedules an a full weekend to see me and spend with just me only rarely....at least rare for my preferences.

So to answer the question of this thread...for this couple...they are not monogamous...and are thrilled and in total love with each other and very happy people.

 

[Nigel Atkinson]

My partner and I have been together for almost 6 years and for all intents and purposes are pretty damn happy. We enjoy each other’s company, are very affectionate, like the same things, love couch time together and don’t like being apart even for a night. Our sex life, however, is not great. We haven’t fooled around in a couple months and probably same amount of time before that. Since the beginning I’ve been more adventurous and wanted to go further but he’s solely interested in oral and really nothing else which kind of sucks (pun intended) for me. I’m pretty sure we’ll get engaged soon but this is a pretty big sticking point as can be imagined. I think he would be kind of hurt if I hinted at just purely sex with another person every once in a while so never brought up anything like that (though I did bring it up in the very early days and it didn’t go too well).

Open to thoughts on similar situations and how you handled it, possible solutions, etc. I know someone is going to say you have to talk about it and be open but I don’t even know where to start. Feel like I’m inching closer to sneaking around but I’m a guilty person and know it would probably eat away at me and then hurt him. Can elaborate if needed and appreciated in advance.

I agree with others here about a loving conversation with your boyfriend. That has the possibility to prompt him to try to put more effort into the relationship, but if not your best bet will be to brake up. I’ve never really understood the open relationship thing, but I don’t think it would work from what I’ve seen with people who attempt to have open relationships. They always end up braking up in the end. I think if you’re feeling the need to sleep with others you should just brake up with him. Best of luck with your situation.

 

[Sagittarius84]

It's because society shames women for being non-monogamous. For example women who have children to different men are shamed for being sluts, even if they were in monogamous relationships when they had the kids.

If society allowed men and women to have sexual relationships like same sex attracted people, then swinging culture would be totally different and so would womens psyche towards sex. I'm sure there are many women out there who'll enjoy sharing a young bull with their girlfriends poolside on a summer afternoon if it was socially acceptable.

I do believe that and primal paternity concerns from men work against women's favor when it comes to their relative nonmonogamy, but as far as men being able to partake openly it only seems relegated to higher valued men because of specific jealousies that exist amongst women whom have no fear of maternal miscegnation, nor a desire for sexual variety.

 

[Zulu_Oral_Fixation]

My partner and I have been together for 3 years now. I am a top and, when we met, my partner was a bottom.

A year into the relationship, my partner came to terms with the fact that he doesn’t like to bottom. It’s painful for him and was just tolerating his role as a bottom. He has always been a bottom prior to our relationship, only because he thought it was an expectation that he had to bottom because he loves oral (giving) and hated topping. He has always loved oral (giving) and still does. I hate receiving oral. But I love topping. So now, we love what the other doesn’t love. What do you guys think we should do?

We tried opening the relationship when he mentioned that he doesn’t like bottoming (a year into the relationship), as a temporary solution. But whenever he hooked up with someone, he felt guilty every time. I have always assured him that he shouldn’t feel guilty and that I’m ok with this, but secretly I’m not ok with the thought of my partner blowing some other guy. Secretly, I feel inadequate and insecure and jealous (for some reason). To this day, I sometimes don’t let him touch my dick or let him get me hard, because there’s nothing else we can do sexually beyond getting hard.

He doesn’t hook up with other guys a lot though (he only had 4 hookups to date). I on the other hand had 1 hookup to date. I also felt guilty after my hookup and haven’t tried hooking up with someone else since then. To this day, the last time I had sex was almost 2 years ago. We do still jerk off, but separately. I would watch porn to jerk off, and so would he, but not together (we like different kinds of porn too).

This may all sound messy, I don’t know how we can move forward with a great sex life. Everything else is incredible in the relationship. I can’t imagine my life without him.

All suggestions and questions are welcome.

 

[Lover man]

I guess open relationships can be a remarkable experience

 

[Fishsqueezee69]

My partner and I have been together for 3 years now. I am a top and, when we met, my partner was a bottom.

A year into the relationship, my partner came to terms with the fact that he doesn’t like to bottom. It’s painful for him and was just tolerating his role as a bottom. He has always been a bottom prior to our relationship, only because he thought it was an expectation that he had to bottom because he loves oral (giving) and hated topping. He has always loved oral (giving) and still does. I hate receiving oral. But I love topping. So now, we love what the other doesn’t love. What do you guys think we should do?

We tried opening the relationship when he mentioned that he doesn’t like bottoming (a year into the relationship), as a temporary solution. But whenever he hooked up with someone, he felt guilty every time. I have always assured him that he shouldn’t feel guilty and that I’m ok with this, but secretly I’m not ok with the thought of my partner blowing some other guy. Secretly, I feel inadequate and insecure and jealous (for some reason). To this day, I sometimes don’t let him touch my dick or let him get me hard, because there’s nothing else we can do sexually beyond getting hard.

He doesn’t hook up with other guys a lot though (he only had 4 hookups to date). I on the other hand had 1 hookup to date. I also felt guilty after my hookup and haven’t tried hooking up with someone else since then. To this day, the last time I had sex was almost 2 years ago. We do still jerk off, but separately. I would watch porn to jerk off, and so would he, but not together (we like different kinds of porn too).

This may all sound messy, I don’t know how we can move forward with a great sex life. Everything else is incredible in the relationship. I can’t imagine my life without him.

All suggestions and questions are welcome.

At first I was going to empathize by telling you about my own struggles being a versatile top married for 14 years to a bottom who has little interest in topping BUT the more I read your story the more I think that you are just two very intransigent gay men. Either that or you should talk to a sex therapist or a psychologist because there is a difference between not enjoying oral sex and outright refusing to engage in it.

The bottoming and topping is a little more difficult to deal with but if you love someone enough, it shouldn't get in the way.

Ok. I guess I will have to tell you about my situation eventhough I really hate talking about my intimate stuff here because I am the one here and not my husband....

So he is a bottom. 100%. He doesn't enjoy oral sex too much but he can orgasm from it. If it was up to me, I would blow him at least every other day. Idk why but oral sex to me feels pretty intimate. Sometimes, I get mad at him buy then I think about how much I enjoy sucking his cock and I forget I am mad hahaha I am that much into it.

But he is not and so he just "gives it to me" every now and then. I think in the last two weeks, i probably blew him twice. I think it was the same week too.

When it comes to topping he wont do it. I dong bring it up anymore. I simply just jerk off watching porn. Its what it is. I think one of this days I will convince him but who knows.

We have sex less frequently now that we are both older and have been together for 14 yrs but honestly I am overall happy with the QUALITY of my sex life. When we have sex, its amazing. I love it 100%. He is an amazing man and me being inside of him feels like a privilege. I cant emphasize how amazing and loving I feel when I am there.

So bottom line for you: maybe you both need to rethink your priorities and consider getting help. Opening the relationship is not the answer and deep down I know you agree with me on that.

 

[Amaethon]

No, they aren’t.

 

[Fishsqueezee69]

My partner and I have been together for almost 6 years and for all intents and purposes are pretty damn happy. We enjoy each other’s company, are very affectionate, like the same things, love couch time together and don’t like being apart even for a night. Our sex life, however, is not great. We haven’t fooled around in a couple months and probably same amount of time before that. Since the beginning I’ve been more adventurous and wanted to go further but he’s solely interested in oral and really nothing else which kind of sucks (pun intended) for me. I’m pretty sure we’ll get engaged soon but this is a pretty big sticking point as can be imagined. I think he would be kind of hurt if I hinted at just purely sex with another person every once in a while so never brought up anything like that (though I did bring it up in the very early days and it didn’t go too well).

Open to thoughts on similar situations and how you handled it, possible solutions, etc. I know someone is going to say you have to talk about it and be open but I don’t even know where to start. Feel like I’m inching closer to sneaking around but I’m a guilty person and know it would probably eat away at me and then hurt him. Can elaborate if needed and appreciated in advance.

So you guys haven't had penetrative sex yet?