Relationship Advice

[bobbiedevitt2]

Hey fine dudes and fine ladies! I need some advice.

I am 21, in college, gay, and in my first "relationship". Until recently I hadn't even had sex, and was so sick of it that I started looking for dudes online, always with the intent of a longer-lasting relationship. I've always considered myself a good looking guy. People have always compliment me on my looks and bod, and I work really hard to stay ripped.

I'm trying, like everyone, to find what I've seen so many straight couples have: a relationship where they are very attracted to each other, and love spending time with each other more than anyone else, while also becoming best friends on a higher level.

Anyway, my thing is this: the guy I'm with is great, he's super nice, masculine like me (which it seems hard to find masculine gay guys around here who aren't obsessed with being gay) and is fun to be around. But I'm just not attracted to him. He always wants sex more than I do, and I never find myself thinking about him or wishing I was with him. When we have sex it seems like a chore for me. I would rather just cuddle.

My question is: What role should physical attractiveness play in a relationship? To be perfectly honest, I'm looking for some hot steamy sex as much as the next guy, but I don't want the relationship to be shallow or based around how we both think each other are hot... To be perfectly honest, all the straight friends in relationships I've been close to have had attractive partners, and it's obvious there's physical chemistry involved even though they are each others best friends too (which is awesome).

Am I a douche for breaking up with someone because I'm "not attracted"? Am I a douche for starting something up initially because someone is hot? What role should physical attractiveness play in a relationship? How do I break up with him in this situation?

And how the FUCK do I find someone who's not either a desperate person online or a flaming person in real life? haha

Thank you so much. I'm sure many of you have been through this so I look forward to hearing your wisdom.

 

[Wrat]

You are not a douche for breaking up with someone because you are not attracted to them. There is very little chance you will ever be attracted to them...ever. The sex won't get better and you won't somehow see through the fog and realize that you want him. You've decided what you want, and don't want, and so now the hard part is telling him you don't want to be with him. It will hurt both of you. He will feel completely rejected and injured, and you will feel like a piece of crap, but that's the next step. I had the sema thing happen to me when I was in college. A nice young woman named K decided that I was very worthy, and that she would not be happy until I was hers. The problem was I didn't find her that attractive, and her style was not my style. I tried to keep my distance for several months, but she eventually came to a party at my house and somehow ended up in my room without any clothes on after midnight. After deciding that she was not that unattractive, and that her sense of humor was pretty good, and that she had a nice tight figure that I didn't dislike I decided to give it a try for a while, so we started hanging out. The problem was I just wasn't into her, and I knew it. Pretty soon she knew it too, and there were tears and accusations, and it was a really bad scene. I eventually just stopped letting her in the door when she came over because I knew that she would just sit there and ask me why I didn't want to have sex with her and I would have to get up and leave the house to get her to go. And remember, there wasn't really anything wrong with her. She just didn't fit my "template" of the girl I wanted to be with. Soon after she stopped coming over I dated several women who were not as thin as she was, not as well groomed, and who probably weren't as smart as she was, but they were more my type. I was happy.
Remember, there are lots of wonderful people you could be with right now if you didn't have to spend time with the person you don't want to be with. Good luck.

 

[B_troyboy123]

havent never been in a relationship , i would say from an outsiders view you not a douche if you dont like someoen you dont like them liek that ,, i gave my mate same advice 5 months ago and now he is happiest he's been in a while

 

[Countryguy63]

The physical chemistry has to be there in a successful relationship.

From what it sounds like, and the little we can see in your avatar, you are attractive, so finding folks that are interested in you shouldn't be hard. Finding someone that you're really interested can be a bit more challenging. However, my 1st advice is to stop "trying to find", and relax and start just enjoying yourself. :smile:

 

[poultrygal]

The physical chemistry has to be there in a successful relationship.

From what it sounds like, and the little we can see in your avatar, you are attractive, so finding folks that are interested in you shouldn't be hard. Finding someone that you're really interested can be a bit more challenging. However, my 1st advice is to stop "trying to find", and relax and start just enjoying yourself. :smile:

I agree totally....I tried my whole life to find the perfect person and then I decided one day to stopped...I thought to myself " I don't need anyone to make me happy"...then within a month I met my husband. So the old saying "it will happen with you least expect it" is true.

Just have fun and enjoy :wink:

 

[Stephenmass]

"the guy I'm with is great, he's super nice, masculine like me (which it seems hard to find masculine gay guys around here who aren't obsessed with being gay) and is fun to be around. But I'm just not attracted to him. He always wants sex more than I do, and I never find myself thinking about him or wishing I was with him. When we have sex it seems like a chore for me. I would rather just cuddle."

The part of your statement that says I never find myself thinking about him or wishing I was with him is very telling. The "chore" part is telling also. Seems to me more like a FWB relationship than anything else.

If I were you I'd do both of you a favor and let go of one another relationship wise. One, it would free him of obviously being "in love or whatever" with you and you not being "in love or whatever" with him. If FWB is OK by the by the both of you occasionally than it's cool I guess but I would not lead him on any further than it seems you already have.

Free yourself. Free him to find someone who looks at him the same way he apparently looks at you.

 

[helgaleena]

Yes, if you aren't attracted, you are both wasting your time, ultimately.

 

[bobbiedevitt2]

Wow thanks so much everyone for all the advice! Yeah I can see I should put the brakes on. This would be a perfect time, too, since we haven't seen each other in a few months due to summer. I guess when I think about it objectively I wonder why I didn't a long time ago... The hard part is that he always tells me how highly he thinks of me physically and otherwise and yeah we've had sex so now I feel like it's going to seem like I've been using him... I know, I know, breaking up is never easy...

I guess (and this could even be a new thread) what you all were saying as far as stop looking and stop enjoying makes sense. It's just this: I started looking online (which is freaking stupid) because I was tired of never having had anyone to be close to, and I didn't want to die a virgin. I'm not in a place in life where I'm around any openly gay people, and don't really know how to be. It has to do with my line of work *cough military cough*. I guess I don't really know how to find anyone! Of course everyday I run across guys who are attractive and whom I would love to meet, but the reality is that most of them are straight, and I can't just start asking random dudes if they're interested. Once again, I have a reputation I can't quite let slip away like that. Plus, to be perfectly honest, it was killing me inside the be around all my straight friends, who are very naturally moving towards relationships (many of them got married this summer) and to be left out. I just felt so juvenile and hopeless. I love my orientation and have only recently grown to accept and even like it, but the one thing that kills me is that when a straight dude sees an attractive chick, it's perfectly natural for him to show that attraction and try to get something going. When I'm attracted to a guy, I usually have to pretend like I'm not and usually if I tried to get something going I'd get slapped. I just feel like there's no-one out there!

When I walked around the LGBT-dense area of a friend's city on vacation, it blew my mind to get checked out by guys, many of whom were attractive, for literally the first time in my life. I was beginning to think I just wasn't attractive! Now I can see why areas like that exist, because guys like me go crazy when there isn't other people around!

What do I do? haha

 

[erratic]

I hear you, man. The thing is, how do you tell if a guy on the street is gay? Simple answer is, you can only spot the stereotypical guys - and even then, your accuracy won't be 100%. There are lots of femme-y straight guys.

I can't suggest the internet strongly enough for you. It's not a perfect solution. Far from it, in fact. But you can be sure that the guys you meet online are actually queer. I'm not physically attracted to really feminine-acting men, either. The social activist in me wishes I were, but it's just not the case. I love flaming queens, but they don't do it for me sexually. I'm also not a big drinker, so picking up at gay bars isn't a viable option for me either. So I went to the internet.

It ain't perfect. I met some weird guys, some nice guys, some liars, some doormats, and everything in between. But I was meeting guys, and I found some great boyfriends online.

Good luck, man. And huge congrats on growing to accept your sexuality. It takes real guts to do that, especially if you live your life in a stereotypical straight male environment.

 

[helgaleena]

There's a reason they have The Ten Percent Societies. GLBT is really a minority, much more rare than lefthandedness or red hair. Glad you accept yourself, and if pretending with that fellow keeps the lonelies away, it might be best to tell him straight out that he's merely convenient. Chances are he feels the same, and you can part when one of you finds a replacement, instead of right away.

 

[bobbiedevitt2]

helgaleena, that's a really interesting bit of advice. He's even more closeted than I am and isn't really out to anyone. I was wondering if breaking this off might be difficult for him or me in more than the sense of just feeling rejected. I've forgotten how isolating needing to be touched so strongly can make one feel. Since we've never really called each other boyfriend or especially used the L-Word, do you think I could just sort of define the relationship as more open or Friends with Benefits?

 

[helgaleena]

I don't think it matters what you call it. I think it matters how much good will you two have toward one another.