Resolving Arguments

[rob_just_rob]

How important are dispute resolving skills when it comes to relationships?

In my opinion, not very.

What should people do when feelings get hurt?

Talk.

What do you do if someone hurt your feelings?

Talk, although the situation doesn't come up often.

What do you think? What gets in the way of resolving your disputes?

In the rare cases when they arise, stubbornness, lack of communication.

What's the right way to handle them?

1. Communication
2. Logic/reason
3. Don't sweat the small stuff.

 

[petite]

In my opinion, not very.

I'm going to have to strongly disagree with you on this.

Listen to the link I posted above. Dr. Gottman has found that how you argue is the most important predictor of marital longevity. His techniques can equally be applied to any other relationship, too. It's worth a listen.

 

[earllogjam]

I usually cave in which makes things easier. It helps that I'm getting older and have honed my selective memory skills, making mole hills of disagreements and disappointments for the sake of staying with someone who makes me in the long run, happy.

 

[Viking_UK]

I tend to be pretty easy-going and forgiving, although occasionally, if someone's really wound me up, I can be vindictive. Saying that, I tend not to hold grudges. Once I've got it out of my system, from my point of view, it's gone.

I'm on good terms with my exes with whom I'm still in touch. When the relationships ended, there was some awkwardness, and with one, a lot of arguments and hurt on both sides, but we managed to resolve that, and although we haven't spoken in a number of years because we both moved and lost touch, I'm sure we'd become friends again if we met up. I'd hurt her so she tried to hurt me. In the end, I apologised to her for hurting her in the first place and that was it.

Someone's got to be big enough to make the first move in a reconciliation, and I usually don't mind it being me. I can only think of one person who I haven't been able to forgive, and probably won't, although I'm at least civil when our paths cross, but I try to make sure that doesn't happen often or last for long. There are limits.

 

[rob_just_rob]

I'm going to have to strongly disagree with you on this.

Speaking as someone with a law degree and who spent several years doing ADR - and as someone who has dated women with similar training - I'm going to disagree with your disagreement.

Dispute resolution skills mean little if you don't have the right attitude. They're just a bigger club to wield in the relationship.

 

[petite]

Speaking as someone with a law degree and who spent several years doing ADR - and as someone who has dated women with similar training - I'm going to disagree with your disagreement.

Dispute resolution skills mean little if you don't have the right attitude. They're just a bigger club to wield in the relationship.

Ah, well I think we're having a semantic argument over the words I used. You are not speaking of the meaning that I intended. I am not speaking in legalese. I mean sincerely coming to an amicable conclusion at the end of an argument between two people, one that doesn't involve the need for any lawyers. If there's a lawyer involved, then that's has nothing to do with what I'm talking about!

Let me rephrase what I intended to say so that there is no longer any confusion.

Dr. Gottman has discovered that how couples argue is the most important determiner of long term relationship success. Specifically, whether arguments between couples continuously escalate or if they don't and they end well. They could be arguments over doing the dishes or how their finances should be spent. It turns out the seriousness of the conversation matters less than whether each person treated the other person with respect and generosity during the conversation. If arguments end with contemptuous looks and eye-rolling, then that relationship is doomed to failure!

I urge you to listen to that program I linked to, it is fascinating and illuminating and it could help improve your relationships.

The Sanctity of Marriage | This American Life

It's the first story after the prologue. It's free if you click "STREAM EPISODE"

 

[TheRob]

it really depends on how much I like the person and how seriously they upset me
a coworker if they appologize I pretty much forgive them that same breath
someone I love tho I have a higher standard for

 

[iluvbigheads]

...it went something like:

Him:"Babe I got you something here, I want you to keep it with you at all times ok."

Upon further inspection:

Me:"I am not keeping or wearing a god dam GPS locator and no, its not being stored in my purse either ok, I will go to the bar if I so choose."

Well, I just dunno, I love the man, so I just try to keep in mind the emotional part of the nonsense: sometimes after all, he is a little upset over his partner going and finding a replacement, which is not always the case. I make it work, I don't work against resolutions.

 

[LeeEJ]

My grandma, at my grandparents' 50th wedding anniversary (I'm pretty sure it was the 50th; it's been a while), said that the success of a marriage depended on three words: "Maybe you're right."

With both my previous and current girlfriends, I'm not even sure if we argue. The closest we get is when we have a miscommunication. Once we clear things up, we realize that whatever we did, we did with good intentions, and it's impossible to be mad at each other.

"I'm sorry" enters into it, too. Such an instance would go something like, "I thought you wanted such-and-such; I think I misunderstood. Sorry about that." Just like that, an argument is averted.

On the other hand, I have such a low tolerance for rolling eyes and false accusations that I don't even consider those people as friends, let alone have a serious relationship with them. I avoid those potential arguments simply by staying away, just like I don't go to restaurants where I don't like the food.

 

[anoushka]

Do you hold grudges and refuse to forgive?

No, because I don't want to emotionally burden myself that way.

Do you snub them for a while?

No, because that choice wouldn't meet my needs in a relationship with someone.

What do you do when someone makes you mad but you don't want to ruin the relationship?

If I feel angry, I will say that I feel angry. If honest expression of how I feel would ruin the relationship, then it isn't the kind of relationship I would value being in to begin with.

Also, no one "makes" me mad. They may present in a way such that I feel anger, but in the end, the responsibility for those emotions is mine, and mine alone. No one else is responsible for the way I feel.

How important are dispute resolving skills when it comes to relationships?

I think they are very important. Misunderstandings happen between/among people trying to communicate, so being able to resolve them when they occur such that each person feels heard and understood is key to establishing an environment where each feels safe to share of themselves - to engage with intimacy.

What should people do when feelings get hurt? What do you do if someone hurt your feelings?

I think people should do whatever works best for them in meeting their own needs, emotionally and otherwise.

If I feel hurt (and I think I will be received in saying so) I say so - but I also remember those feelings are mine - no one else is responsible for them.

What's the right way to handle (your disputes)?

For me, the right way is to listen and receive, and try to understand where the other person is coming from. I've tried a number of different ways - that one seems the most productive and best meets my needs in relationship.

Unfortunately, most disagreements aren't over facts, they're over feelings.

Of course, there can't really be disagreement or argument about feelings - if someone feels a certain way, then they feel a certain way. To say/argue otherwise is invalidating.

People rarely admit that they have said or done anything wrong during an argument. The emotions aroused make it so difficult to cede any ground to your opponent. This is a terrible mistake. While it may make you feel that you've "won" the argument if you refuse to admit that you've been anything less than 100% correct during the argument, in the long run it will destroy your relationships. This is called, "Winning the battle, but losing the war."

People who concede points to their opponent when their opponent is correct on a point and who are generous with admitting when their opponent has made a good point are more likely to resolve their disagreements amicably and have a good relationship. Those are important traits. Forgiving the other person when that person said something dumb and then admitted that they have said something dumb is part of being generous towards your opponent, and absolutely important for conflict resolution. People incapable of arguing with one another with respect and generosity are doomed to destroy their relationships.

I don't think there is much value in conflict/misunderstanding resolution where people judge one another, or themselves. I don't want to be right - I want to be understood. I don't want to hold ground against my partner - I may disagree with them, or not understand them, but I am still with them. I don't choose to tally points that I may concede - I am not building a case against them. They are not my enemy, regardless of how I might feel in the moment.

I think and feel it is important to be open and honest, and to state what I think and what I feel. I think and feel it is important to state what I value, but not to judge another for their values, even if I do not agree (or understand). I think and feel it is important to listen, give feedback, and seek to understand - and to be understood. Choosing this way is the best way I know to meet my needs, and hopefully, meet the needs of my partner - whether that be a lover, a friend, or family.