Rules for modern life

Discussion in 'Et Cetera, Et Cetera' started by db03, May 15, 2005.

  1. db03

    db03 Member

    Jul 25, 2004
    Likes Received:
    Someome emailed this to me, It's so true!!!
    For Christ's sake never put a rabbit and a guinea pig in the same cage
    overnight. Rabbits are natures rapists and will fuck the guinea pig to
    death. Furthermore, if it is your child's guinea pig, do not tell them
    what happened until they are at least 21.

    Never trust a woman with 2 eyes, 2 ears, a nose and a mouth.

    never channel surf on sky when there is a break. Every fucking channel
    has a break at the same fucking time.

    Girls - after a dump always wipe front to back...please.

    when going into a bookshop to buy a book on self-help, do not ask the
    lady behind the counter for assistance to find such titles as this
    will blatently be defeating the object.

    If your girlfriend is spoiling for a might as well chuck
    her down the stairs. It worked for Gazza.

    Nothing 'productive' can come from just nipping in for a quick pint at
    2 in the afternoon. You will probably end up pissed, in a pool of your
    own vomit, having just kissed your best mate's girlfriend.

    paranoid schizophrenics - never take acid

    If it's got Wheels or Tits its going to cost a fortune

    Teenagers in a hired stretch Limo should not scream out of them at
    everyone they pass on the 10 minute journey to whatever rank nightclub
    they are aiming for. Nobody gives a shit.

    You cannot use your kid's trampoline without laughing like a fucking lunatic.

    Doing it off your chunk is a life changing experience.

    If you are a necrophiliac sadomasochist who enjoys beastiality, you
    may as well give it up. You're flogging a dead horse....

    Always run with scissors. The quicker you go, the quicker you'll get
    to your destination and the quicker you'll finish using the scissors,
    therefore significantly reducing your chances of injuring yourself.

    if someone comes outside of their house at 3 in the morning and tells
    you to keep it down in a nice way, you most probably are being a twat
    and should tone it down.

    Marrying an older man is no replacement for the father you never had.

    Dwarfs can't skip.

    NEVER buy a vibrator that is bigger than your boyfriend's cock - and
    if you do, hide it in a place he is never likely to find it i.e. in
    the cupboard where you keep the ironing board and the hoover.

    Personal trainers - no matter how much you try and berate me and try
    and make me feel inferior, I will always earn significantly more than
    you, hence you are working for me you jumped up cunt

    There is no greater hangover cure than morning sex, cold pizza and
    lucozade sport.

    Never get a gremlin wet

    There are only two types of men. Wankers and liars

    The average 16yr old boy fantasises about 30yr old women. The average
    30yr old man fantasises about 16yr old girls

    you will almost always be disappointed when you see real life lesbians.

    Always shit at your place of employment. There is no better feeling on
    this earth than knowing you are being paid to squeeze one out - Plus
    the toilet paper is free!

    The sight of a clean sheet after wiping is almost as good a feeling as
    the shit itself. Job done and done well.

    Size 6....beautiful on the cover of Vogue, freakishly repulsive in the
    flesh. Women take note.

    the only time men can do two things at once is when we're wanking and
    moving the mouse

    Never say 'did you get my text / email?' They did. They are ignoring you.

    Only give money to charities you'll need in old age. Have your genome
    analysed and see if you should be slipping brown envelopes to cancer
    societies or the alzheimers association. NEVER give to Oxfam unless
    you believe you may one day inhabit the body of an Ethiopian. Imagine

    Never check your outbox the morning after. Never makes for light reading.

    Money, keys, phone.

    You are not a vampire, you are just a goth. Live with it.

    Never watch porn in your bedroom with headphones on, trust me, you
    WILL get caught.

    Bored Middle Class House Wives:-

    You won't find any purposes or fulfilment in doing night classes in
    watercolour, aromatherapy or interior design. You still remain a
    prostitute under the oppression of your husband and his wage.

    Never raise you're hand to anything unless a clear majority has done it first

    If you wore your mobile phone on a belt clip, why not get a bluetooth
    headset. You'll look just as much of a cunt as before.

    If you are going out with, or especially married to, a girl with any
    of the following bra sizes, you automatically win all arguments with
    another bloke about any subject. 32D, 32DD, 32E, 34DD, 34E.

    Affleck + Movie = Shit

    When considering whether or not to use an umbrella, always apply the
    'G' rule. Umbrellas are for Girls, Golf or Gays only.

    No matter how good she looks to you. Some guy, out there is sick of her shit!

    If your music career starts flagging, shag Kate Moss.

    Ladies, carrying an obviously fake Louis Vuitton handbag is not
    fooling anyone into thinking that you are rich, or classy, or posh.
    You look even more like the minky chav that you are. This is further
    enhanced by the 2lbs of cheap jewellery you have around your neck, on
    your fingers and through your ears that you got out of Argos.
  2. D_Humper E Bogart

    D_Humper E Bogart New Member

    May 10, 2004
    Likes Received:
    Might as well add some as I go along.

    *The crap car is always the best one

    *The only thing you'll see in the mirror, is your reflection

    *Men can't talk and play video games, but we can argue that my l33t madskills were better than his.

    *Having big balls and a big dick doesn't prove you're a man.

    *Assume nothing, know everything.

    *Listen to yourself

    *Watch out for angels, devils have wings as well.

    *There isn't a difference between living forever and being a zombie.

    *Eternal happiness through self-indulgance is a sin. Live with it, or share the love.

    *Get used to being 0wned by people younger and smarter than you, or people older and stupider.

    *An enemy of an enemy, is another enemy to keep an eye on.

    *It might be your body, but don't force it onto me!

    *The right to remain silent is the deinal of the right to speak at all.

    *Respect where respect is due.

    *The cruelest sin is when people stand by and do nothing because they'd get into more trouble than the criminal.

    *Never stare at a woman while crossing the road.
  3. jonb

    Gold Member

    Oct 5, 2002
    Likes Received:
    You aren't a nonconformist, you're just goth/emo/punk/whatever other clique you're in.

    Americans don't want a safe, maneuverable car with a decent gas mileage and which actually looks nice. Give them a giant deathtrap that 10 miles to the gallon. (That's 23.5 L/100km or 35.4 km/L for our international users.)

    Fake nails are unattractive and make handjobs bad.

    Angsty lyrics are fine, but there are emotions other than depression and virulence.

    There is such a thing as being too tall.

    No, there is no way to make it bigger.

    75% of email sent these days is spam, and that's only counting each sending once, no matter how many people it's sent to.

    There is no medical condition on Earth that circumcision hasn't been claimed to not cure or prevent.

    Think tanks lie.

    If a think tank appears to be telling the truth, consult the previous rule.

    You are at very low risk of dying from gang violence, terrorism, poisoned Halloween candy, natural disasters, or escalators. You are at very high risk of dying from obesity, cancer, heart problems, or other stuff you can prevent.

    Remakes suck. Sequels suck. Prequels involve a Shotaro complex and an amphibian we all wish would just die.

    Contrary to popular belief, women are more possessive than men.
  4. madame_zora

    Gold Member

    May 5, 2004
    Likes Received:
    Some (general) truths about women:

    We don't think with our egos, most of us are very insecure.

    We are safer drivers, despite what men say- that's why we pay lower insurance premiums.

    Any woman who calls you three or more times the day after the first time you fuck will never stop harassing you- get away fast.

    We almost always think we're too fat, we really don't need that confirmed by you.

    Soccer moms need to die, and quickly.

    Any woman who has worked her way up the corporate ladder has been propositioned by her employers multiple times, or had to endure comments from co-workers that she has.

    An assertive man is seen as manly, so is an assertive woman.

    Women who can't make up their minds what to order for dinner at a restaurant should never get asked out on a second date.

    Lots of women lie about their age- if she tells you she's 21, she's 16. If she tells you she's 30, she's 56.

    Don't ask us "did you cum?" unless you want to hear the truth!
  5. jonb

    Gold Member

    Oct 5, 2002
    Likes Received:
    Spinning off Jana's last one:

    Don't ask us "Does this make me look fat?"
  6. Pecker

    Pecker Retired Moderator
    Gold Member

    Mar 5, 2002
    Likes Received:
    How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
    • Both of them.

    Why did the man cross the road?
    • He heard the chicken was a slut.

    Why don't women blink during foreplay?
    • They don't have time.

    Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
    • They don't stop and ask for directions.

    What do men and sperm have in common?
    • They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

    How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
    • He buys two cases of beer.

    What is the difference between men and government bonds?
    • The bonds mature.

    Why are blonde jokes so short?
    • So men can remember them.

    How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
    • No one knows, it's never happened.

    Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
    • They all already have boyfriends.

    What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
    • A widow.

    Why are married women heavier than single women?
    • Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

    How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
    • His hand caught fire.

    How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
    • Put the remote control between his toes.

    What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
    • They're married.
  7. jonb

    Gold Member

    Oct 5, 2002
    Likes Received:
    Only a million sperm? You should really get that checked out. You should really have at least 40 million.
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