Someome emailed this to me, It's so true!!! For Christ's sake never put a rabbit and a guinea pig in the same cage overnight. Rabbits are natures rapists and will fuck the guinea pig to death. Furthermore, if it is your child's guinea pig, do not tell them what happened until they are at least 21. Never trust a woman with 2 eyes, 2 ears, a nose and a mouth. never channel surf on sky when there is a break. Every fucking channel has a break at the same fucking time. Girls - after a dump always wipe front to back...please. when going into a bookshop to buy a book on self-help, do not ask the lady behind the counter for assistance to find such titles as this will blatently be defeating the object. If your girlfriend is spoiling for a fight...you might as well chuck her down the stairs. It worked for Gazza. Nothing 'productive' can come from just nipping in for a quick pint at 2 in the afternoon. You will probably end up pissed, in a pool of your own vomit, having just kissed your best mate's girlfriend. paranoid schizophrenics - never take acid If it's got Wheels or Tits its going to cost a fortune Teenagers in a hired stretch Limo should not scream out of them at everyone they pass on the 10 minute journey to whatever rank nightclub they are aiming for. Nobody gives a shit. You cannot use your kid's trampoline without laughing like a fucking lunatic. Doing it off your chunk is a life changing experience. If you are a necrophiliac sadomasochist who enjoys beastiality, you may as well give it up. You're flogging a dead horse.... Always run with scissors. The quicker you go, the quicker you'll get to your destination and the quicker you'll finish using the scissors, therefore significantly reducing your chances of injuring yourself. if someone comes outside of their house at 3 in the morning and tells you to keep it down in a nice way, you most probably are being a twat and should tone it down. Marrying an older man is no replacement for the father you never had. Dwarfs can't skip. NEVER buy a vibrator that is bigger than your boyfriend's cock - and if you do, hide it in a place he is never likely to find it i.e. in the cupboard where you keep the ironing board and the hoover. Personal trainers - no matter how much you try and berate me and try and make me feel inferior, I will always earn significantly more than you, hence you are working for me you jumped up cunt There is no greater hangover cure than morning sex, cold pizza and lucozade sport. Never get a gremlin wet There are only two types of men. Wankers and liars The average 16yr old boy fantasises about 30yr old women. The average 30yr old man fantasises about 16yr old girls you will almost always be disappointed when you see real life lesbians. Always shit at your place of employment. There is no better feeling on this earth than knowing you are being paid to squeeze one out - Plus the toilet paper is free! The sight of a clean sheet after wiping is almost as good a feeling as the shit itself. Job done and done well. Size 6....beautiful on the cover of Vogue, freakishly repulsive in the flesh. Women take note. the only time men can do two things at once is when we're wanking and moving the mouse Never say 'did you get my text / email?' They did. They are ignoring you. Only give money to charities you'll need in old age. Have your genome analysed and see if you should be slipping brown envelopes to cancer societies or the alzheimers association. NEVER give to Oxfam unless you believe you may one day inhabit the body of an Ethiopian. Imagine that campaign "PLEASE GIVE GENEROUSLY TO VICTIMS OF SOUL MIGRATION" Never check your outbox the morning after. Never makes for light reading. Money, keys, phone. You are not a vampire, you are just a goth. Live with it. Never watch porn in your bedroom with headphones on, trust me, you WILL get caught. Bored Middle Class House Wives:- You won't find any purposes or fulfilment in doing night classes in watercolour, aromatherapy or interior design. You still remain a prostitute under the oppression of your husband and his wage. Never raise you're hand to anything unless a clear majority has done it first If you wore your mobile phone on a belt clip, why not get a bluetooth headset. You'll look just as much of a cunt as before. If you are going out with, or especially married to, a girl with any of the following bra sizes, you automatically win all arguments with another bloke about any subject. 32D, 32DD, 32E, 34DD, 34E. Affleck + Movie = Shit When considering whether or not to use an umbrella, always apply the 'G' rule. Umbrellas are for Girls, Golf or Gays only. No matter how good she looks to you. Some guy, out there is sick of her shit! If your music career starts flagging, shag Kate Moss. Ladies, carrying an obviously fake Louis Vuitton handbag is not fooling anyone into thinking that you are rich, or classy, or posh. You look even more like the minky chav that you are. This is further enhanced by the 2lbs of cheap jewellery you have around your neck, on your fingers and through your ears that you got out of Argos.