- db03,
Someome emailed this to me, It's so true!!!
For Christ's sake never put a rabbit and a guinea pig in the same cage
overnight. Rabbits are natures rapists and will fuck the guinea pig to
death. Furthermore, if it is your child's guinea pig, do not tell them
what happened until they are at least 21.
Never trust a woman with 2 eyes, 2 ears, a nose and a mouth.
never channel surf on sky when there is a break. Every fucking channel
has a break at the same fucking time.
Girls - after a dump always wipe front to back...please.
when going into a bookshop to buy a book on self-help, do not ask the
lady behind the counter for assistance to find such titles as this
will blatently be defeating the object.
If your girlfriend is spoiling for a fight...you might as well chuck
her down the stairs. It worked for Gazza.
Nothing 'productive' can come from just nipping in for a quick pint at
2 in the afternoon. You will probably end up pissed, in a pool of your
own vomit, having just kissed your best mate's girlfriend.
paranoid schizophrenics - never take acid
If it's got Wheels or Tits its going to cost a fortune
Teenagers in a hired stretch Limo should not scream out of them at
everyone they pass on the 10 minute journey to whatever rank nightclub
they are aiming for. Nobody gives a shit.
You cannot use your kid's trampoline without laughing like a fucking lunatic.
Doing it off your chunk is a life changing experience.
If you are a necrophiliac sadomasochist who enjoys beastiality, you
may as well give it up. You're flogging a dead horse....
Always run with scissors. The quicker you go, the quicker you'll get
to your destination and the quicker you'll finish using the scissors,
therefore significantly reducing your chances of injuring yourself.
if someone comes outside of their house at 3 in the morning and tells
you to keep it down in a nice way, you most probably are being a twat
and should tone it down.
Marrying an older man is no replacement for the father you never had.
Dwarfs can't skip.
NEVER buy a vibrator that is bigger than your boyfriend's cock - and
if you do, hide it in a place he is never likely to find it i.e. in
the cupboard where you keep the ironing board and the hoover.
Personal trainers - no matter how much you try and berate me and try
and make me feel inferior, I will always earn significantly more than
you, hence you are working for me you jumped up cunt
There is no greater hangover cure than morning sex, cold pizza and
lucozade sport.
Never get a gremlin wet
There are only two types of men. Wankers and liars
The average 16yr old boy fantasises about 30yr old women. The average
30yr old man fantasises about 16yr old girls
you will almost always be disappointed when you see real life lesbians.
Always shit at your place of employment. There is no better feeling on
this earth than knowing you are being paid to squeeze one out - Plus
the toilet paper is free!
The sight of a clean sheet after wiping is almost as good a feeling as
the shit itself. Job done and done well.
Size 6....beautiful on the cover of Vogue, freakishly repulsive in the
flesh. Women take note.
the only time men can do two things at once is when we're wanking and
moving the mouse
Never say 'did you get my text / email?' They did. They are ignoring you.
Only give money to charities you'll need in old age. Have your genome
analysed and see if you should be slipping brown envelopes to cancer
societies or the alzheimers association. NEVER give to Oxfam unless
you believe you may one day inhabit the body of an Ethiopian. Imagine
that campaign "PLEASE GIVE GENEROUSLY TO VICTIMS OF SOUL MIGRATION"
Never check your outbox the morning after. Never makes for light reading.
Money, keys, phone.
You are not a vampire, you are just a goth. Live with it.
Never watch porn in your bedroom with headphones on, trust me, you
WILL get caught.
Bored Middle Class House Wives:-
You won't find any purposes or fulfilment in doing night classes in
watercolour, aromatherapy or interior design. You still remain a
prostitute under the oppression of your husband and his wage.
Never raise you're hand to anything unless a clear majority has done it first
If you wore your mobile phone on a belt clip, why not get a bluetooth
headset. You'll look just as much of a cunt as before.
If you are going out with, or especially married to, a girl with any
of the following bra sizes, you automatically win all arguments with
another bloke about any subject. 32D, 32DD, 32E, 34DD, 34E.
Affleck + Movie = Shit
When considering whether or not to use an umbrella, always apply the
'G' rule. Umbrellas are for Girls, Golf or Gays only.
No matter how good she looks to you. Some guy, out there is sick of her shit!
If your music career starts flagging, shag Kate Moss.
Ladies, carrying an obviously fake Louis Vuitton handbag is not
fooling anyone into thinking that you are rich, or classy, or posh.
You look even more like the minky chav that you are. This is further
enhanced by the 2lbs of cheap jewellery you have around your neck, on
your fingers and through your ears that you got out of Argos.
For Christ's sake never put a rabbit and a guinea pig in the same cage
overnight. Rabbits are natures rapists and will fuck the guinea pig to
death. Furthermore, if it is your child's guinea pig, do not tell them
what happened until they are at least 21.
Never trust a woman with 2 eyes, 2 ears, a nose and a mouth.
never channel surf on sky when there is a break. Every fucking channel
has a break at the same fucking time.
Girls - after a dump always wipe front to back...please.
when going into a bookshop to buy a book on self-help, do not ask the
lady behind the counter for assistance to find such titles as this
will blatently be defeating the object.
If your girlfriend is spoiling for a fight...you might as well chuck
her down the stairs. It worked for Gazza.
Nothing 'productive' can come from just nipping in for a quick pint at
2 in the afternoon. You will probably end up pissed, in a pool of your
own vomit, having just kissed your best mate's girlfriend.
paranoid schizophrenics - never take acid
If it's got Wheels or Tits its going to cost a fortune
Teenagers in a hired stretch Limo should not scream out of them at
everyone they pass on the 10 minute journey to whatever rank nightclub
they are aiming for. Nobody gives a shit.
You cannot use your kid's trampoline without laughing like a fucking lunatic.
Doing it off your chunk is a life changing experience.
If you are a necrophiliac sadomasochist who enjoys beastiality, you
may as well give it up. You're flogging a dead horse....
Always run with scissors. The quicker you go, the quicker you'll get
to your destination and the quicker you'll finish using the scissors,
therefore significantly reducing your chances of injuring yourself.
if someone comes outside of their house at 3 in the morning and tells
you to keep it down in a nice way, you most probably are being a twat
and should tone it down.
Marrying an older man is no replacement for the father you never had.
Dwarfs can't skip.
NEVER buy a vibrator that is bigger than your boyfriend's cock - and
if you do, hide it in a place he is never likely to find it i.e. in
the cupboard where you keep the ironing board and the hoover.
Personal trainers - no matter how much you try and berate me and try
and make me feel inferior, I will always earn significantly more than
you, hence you are working for me you jumped up cunt
There is no greater hangover cure than morning sex, cold pizza and
lucozade sport.
Never get a gremlin wet
There are only two types of men. Wankers and liars
The average 16yr old boy fantasises about 30yr old women. The average
30yr old man fantasises about 16yr old girls
you will almost always be disappointed when you see real life lesbians.
Always shit at your place of employment. There is no better feeling on
this earth than knowing you are being paid to squeeze one out - Plus
the toilet paper is free!
The sight of a clean sheet after wiping is almost as good a feeling as
the shit itself. Job done and done well.
Size 6....beautiful on the cover of Vogue, freakishly repulsive in the
flesh. Women take note.
the only time men can do two things at once is when we're wanking and
moving the mouse
Never say 'did you get my text / email?' They did. They are ignoring you.
Only give money to charities you'll need in old age. Have your genome
analysed and see if you should be slipping brown envelopes to cancer
societies or the alzheimers association. NEVER give to Oxfam unless
you believe you may one day inhabit the body of an Ethiopian. Imagine
that campaign "PLEASE GIVE GENEROUSLY TO VICTIMS OF SOUL MIGRATION"
Never check your outbox the morning after. Never makes for light reading.
Money, keys, phone.
You are not a vampire, you are just a goth. Live with it.
Never watch porn in your bedroom with headphones on, trust me, you
WILL get caught.
Bored Middle Class House Wives:-
You won't find any purposes or fulfilment in doing night classes in
watercolour, aromatherapy or interior design. You still remain a
prostitute under the oppression of your husband and his wage.
Never raise you're hand to anything unless a clear majority has done it first
If you wore your mobile phone on a belt clip, why not get a bluetooth
headset. You'll look just as much of a cunt as before.
If you are going out with, or especially married to, a girl with any
of the following bra sizes, you automatically win all arguments with
another bloke about any subject. 32D, 32DD, 32E, 34DD, 34E.
Affleck + Movie = Shit
When considering whether or not to use an umbrella, always apply the
'G' rule. Umbrellas are for Girls, Golf or Gays only.
No matter how good she looks to you. Some guy, out there is sick of her shit!
If your music career starts flagging, shag Kate Moss.
Ladies, carrying an obviously fake Louis Vuitton handbag is not
fooling anyone into thinking that you are rich, or classy, or posh.
You look even more like the minky chav that you are. This is further
enhanced by the 2lbs of cheap jewellery you have around your neck, on
your fingers and through your ears that you got out of Argos.
