Stalking can be defined as a pattern of repeated and unwanted attention, harassment, contact, or any other course of conduct directed at a specific person that would cause a reasonable person to feel fear. (
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I've been dealing with an online stalker for a few years. I was once "chat friends" with this guy, until I found out that he was lying about
everything about himself and he started to get too attached to me. I started avoiding him in 2007 and that's when he got all "bunny burning" and eventually found me here in mid 2008. He stalked me for a few months then apparently got himself banned by telling a bunch of people lies about me in PM's. This had been going on for months without my knowledge.
The more detail I go into the more I lose focus on the basic facts, I don't appreciate this persons company, they won't accept that and its been going on for years.
Wow, Gingernuts. Why haven't you sued this person for harassment or charged them with stalking? Either way, it seems like a clear-cut case to me. My stalker is online (we've never met), and so I easily got documentation (screen caps, postings, PM's, etc) of his harassment. You have an unfortunate situation because if this goes to court, you'll need affidavits or maybe a witness or two.
This person is very charming, my friends have put themselves on the line for me in many ways over the years and me them, our social relationships are not shallow and I will miss them if I have to leave town.
If your friends really care for you then they will gladly stand beside you in court. Does your stalker call/email/IM you incessantly? If so, bring this evidence to court. Can you prove that the stalking has been going on for years? If this goes to criminal court, you may be asked why you didn't go to the cops earlier. If it goes to civil court, the fact that he/she has been stalking you for so long could help your case. Talk to a lawyer to weigh your options.
If you don't want to involve your friends, there may be other ways to prove that this person is stalking you. Here's a trick, but make sure it's safe and legal where you live: confront him in a public place. Turn on your cellphone's voice recorder, put it in your front pocket and ask him to stop bothering you. You may get an instant confession recorded. If he says, "I can stalk you if I want to," or "I'll stop bothering you only after you give me some attention," then you have a confession right there.
You might want to nip this in the bud soon and don't make the same mistake that I did by feeling sorry for your stalker. I assume that you were once friends, or at least acquaintances with this person. Regardless, take action, even if it means exposing this person for who he/she is. I have tons of recordings of my stalker (death threats, admission of parental abuse, admission of fraud and deception, etc.) along with phone records of up to 30 calls per day, 50 IM's per day and about 15 emails per day and messages to relatives. This is the kind of stuff that is irrefutable in court. Witnesses are great, but black-and-white proof is even better.
I have tried small-talk, this person always moves onto personal issues, I have told them to butt out, they have not lost interest.
I have also tried small talk to give my stalker some attention in tiny morsels to pacify him. It didn't work--the more attention I gave him, the more he wanted. I wasn't willing to let him fully back into my life, so he got frustrated and started harassing me again. It was even worse than the first round.
You say that your stalker has not lost interest. This is the problem that I have too. People have said, "leave him alone and he'll go away," but this is not how his mind works. Then again, he has mental issues (probably F.A.S.). In fact, after over half a year of
no contact with my stalker, he's still trying to get my attention. It's insane, and you can't reason with an unreasonable person. I feel for you... I really do.
All these ladies are absolutely correct! If you are well-acquainted with your stalker's family, you might even consider asking them to help you make your position clear to your stalker.
Hmmm. You gave me the exact opposite advice regarding my stalker a year ago. At any rate, I did contact his parents, and they supported me 100%, but decided that they could not do anything about his actions for reasons that I won't go into. In fact, they asked me to sue him, which is the very situation that I was trying to avoid.
Gingernuts, I don't regret contacting my stalker's parents and I would recommend it for you also, but just remember that he/she may try to turn the tables and make
you look like the stalker (as my stalker did). Just be sure to cover your tracks and make it clear to them that you are trying to resolve the situation--and don't appear threatening. Record it, if possible, as proof that you've tried to resolve this responsibly in case it doesn't work out. They likely know how crazy he/she is and know how to deal with them, but they can't do it unless you tell them what's going on. My stalker is middle-aged but still lives at home. Unfortunately, his parents cannot control his behavior because he is violent and they are afraid of him, so my phone call ended up being useless.
A dear friend of mine found that pursuing legal action against her stalker was ineffective. She found that she had to completely remove herself from the situation. it was unfair to her, but she did have no other choice but to start over. New address, new phone number, new job, new set of friends. The newness is frightening, but not as frightening as all of that unwanted contact!
I think that it's a bit different for women. They might be more vulnerable and need to remove themselves from harm's way. For Ginernuts, I would encourage him to not let his stalker affect his life and try to carry on as usual... if possible. I don't know how bad your situation is, Gingernuts, but maybe you can find a way to work around it if you think that taking legal action is unwise. Meanwhile, record everything that you can... with dates and times.
With a psycho, it seems that legal action is expensive and unreliable, but I'd still recommend it for most people. A clever stalker can cover their tracks well enough to avoid a lawsuit or an arrest. It may come down to a he said/she said situation in court, in which case you need to be sure that you are more credible. You have to be very careful with a psycho... some can appear to be very normal. I learned the hard way.
What I have learned from my experience is that if somebody you meet has no history, whether they are online or in the flesh, don't trust them fully until you know they are sane. A phone number can easily be changed, but personal details about your life can't. This information allows them to stalk you even more. Don't let them into your bubble.
Good luck
