1. gingernuts

    gingernuts Member

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    What do you do when someone won't leave you alone ?

    Without going into too much detail, a person really takes it as an affront that I am not interested. Its nothing personal, different strokes and all that. They even target and charm my other friends so that they get annoyed with my refusal to socialize with this person and cold shoulder me.

    The persons family is rich but they have a reputation.

    Any advice ?
     
  2. Gillette

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    Have you confronted this person directly to tell them you don't appreciate their attentions and that the interest isn't reciprocal? That has to be a the first step. Sometimes people are deluded enough to think you're just being coy or testing their devotion. Luckily, sometimes a clear, "Stop it" will be enough.

    If not perhaps you could share your frustrations with your friends so that they'll understand why you won't socialize with this person.
     
  3. gingernuts

    gingernuts Member

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    I suppose it is worth saying this has been going on for years, I have lost friends over it because this person is so charming. They know I have no interest in them by now yet still it goes on.
     
  4. SpoiledPrincess

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    Keep a list of what they do, with dates, witnesses, every detail. Make sure all your friends know what's going on. Send them a letter with a list of their stalking activities attached, telling them that you're not interested, you consider the things they've been doing stalking and that if it continues you will tell the police - often seeing it down in black and white and plain language what they've been doing brings it home to them, they're often delusional and their mind interprets what you say to their own benefit, and a letter sort of has a sense of being official about it and it's permanent, it's not like a phone call saying leave me alone, they can see it there continually.
    In contacting them to say leave me alone don't be in the least bit equivocal about it, they interpret you saying 'I'm not interested' in meaning you're not interested at this time but you will be at some other time, 'leave me alone' as meaning leave me alone at the second, you have to put it down in black and white for them, I am not and never will be interested in you because I find you creepy/unattractive/unappealing and nothing will ever change this.
    Don't pussyfoot around and shy away from telling them they're unattractive to you or whatever, they're not worrying about your feelings. Contact them only by letter saying this will be the only time you will communicate with them and any further stalking will result without further notice in legal shit.
     
  5. gingernuts

    gingernuts Member

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    This person is embedded in my social group, if I do that I will lose all my friends. Also, I don't want to engage and enrage. Their family is rich, mine is not and we could all end up ostracised.
     
  6. Gillette

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    You're using gender neutral terms here.

    Is it a guy?

    I can see why your friends might give you the cold shoulder if they thought you were being homophobic. I would too. It's one thing if a pass were made once and the refusal accepted. If that were the case I'd say you were being a pussy to want to avoid this person. If the attentions and offers persisted despite your refusal then it's another situation entirely.

    SP, excellent advice.
     
  7. dolfette

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    for me...

    i made a new group of friends.
    i didn't want to make the old group choose and i didn't want to put them in a difficult situation, so i walked away.
    if they came to ask me why then i explained my reasons and said that i couldn't be expected to remain in a group with this person. then the ball was in their court.

    yes, it sucked to lose friends.
    but at least i was the one with the power & choice.
    i sent a clear message to that person that i could not be won over with manipulation or public opinion. i could walk away with my head held high.

    these games are childish and i won't play them.
     
  8. greatdickismydrug

    greatdickismydrug New Member

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  9. dolfette

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    ^^^she's right. this person is relying on you keeping your mouth shut and not making a fuss.

    it won't stop until you either tackle it or remove yourself from the situation.
     
  10. AlteredEgo

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    All these ladies are absolutely correct! If you are well-acquainted with your stalker's family, you might even consider asking them to help you make your position clear to your stalker.

    A dear friend of mine found that pursuing legal action against her stalker was ineffective. She found that she had to completely remove herself from the situation. it was unfair to her, but she did have no other choice but to start over. New address, new phone number, new job, new set of friends. The newness is frightening, but not as frightening as all of that unwanted contact!
     
  11. gingernuts

    gingernuts Member

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    Whenever I make new friends they are approached and charmed by this person, so I am finding myself more and more isolated. Not good.
     
  12. Gillette

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  13. gingernuts

    gingernuts Member

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    I am thinking seriously about that. No-one has taken my side, not that I particularly want that as they would just be isolated as well. I suppose this environment that I am in is just not suited to me any more, this matter of a stalker is just a symtom of that.

    Time to go somewhere more chilled out.
     
  14. helgaleena

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    You are in London? Changing boroughs might suffice.
     
  15. heist

    heist New Member

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    I'm a little mystified how this person manages to charm your friends to the point that they shun you. I hope this isn't rude, but shouldn't real friends see past at least some of the manipulations of the stalker? I get the feeling that you're not telling enough about the situation for anyone to really give appropriate advice. I mean, it's a little strange that you keep mentioning how rich the stalker's family is, since it shouldn't be a large concern (as opposed to a clearer power inequality, like boss vs. employee or other relationships involving work) based on everything else you've said.

    But maybe I'm just reading this wrong. In any case, whenever I don't want to socialize with someone, I force our interactions to be very shallow -- e.g., talk about impersonal subject matter -- and eventually they'll start to lose interest in you as a person. And if they try to force conversation into personal issues, they give you the right to tell them to butt out of your business.
     
  16. gingernuts

    gingernuts Member

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    The more detail I go into the more I lose focus on the basic facts, I don't appreciate this persons company, they won't accept that and its been going on for years.

    This person is very charming, my friends have put themselves on the line for me in many ways over the years and me them, our social relationships are not shallow and I will miss them if I have to leave town.

    I have tried small-talk, this person always moves onto personal issues, I have told them to butt out, they have not lost interest.
     
    #16 gingernuts, Nov 9, 2009
    Last edited: Nov 9, 2009
  17. Nkw17

    Nkw17 Member

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    Omg I have this guy that comes in my job he always look for me & sits outside watching sometimes. I think hes trying to figure my car out because I work diff times he asked me whos car was parked up front once (my car) I said I dont know.It started with the young girls that used to work there... he would always ask them to take pictures know its me just because I laugh when he comes in he says some off the wall stuff! So then the craziest thing happend I was at the carwash & as the guys washed my car I started talking to a lady with her son & she ended up asking me where I work & she said her husband is always up there talking to you!
     
  18. eyescream

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    File a restraining order. I threatened to do that to a stalker I had and then coincidentally I moved out of the country so it was all good.
     
  19. D_Tintagel_Demondong

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    I've been dealing with an online stalker for a few years. I was once "chat friends" with this guy, until I found out that he was lying about everything about himself and he started to get too attached to me. I started avoiding him in 2007 and that's when he got all "bunny burning" and eventually found me here in mid 2008. He stalked me for a few months then apparently got himself banned by telling a bunch of people lies about me in PM's. This had been going on for months without my knowledge.

    Wow, Gingernuts. Why haven't you sued this person for harassment or charged them with stalking? Either way, it seems like a clear-cut case to me. My stalker is online (we've never met), and so I easily got documentation (screen caps, postings, PM's, etc) of his harassment. You have an unfortunate situation because if this goes to court, you'll need affidavits or maybe a witness or two.

    If your friends really care for you then they will gladly stand beside you in court. Does your stalker call/email/IM you incessantly? If so, bring this evidence to court. Can you prove that the stalking has been going on for years? If this goes to criminal court, you may be asked why you didn't go to the cops earlier. If it goes to civil court, the fact that he/she has been stalking you for so long could help your case. Talk to a lawyer to weigh your options.

    If you don't want to involve your friends, there may be other ways to prove that this person is stalking you. Here's a trick, but make sure it's safe and legal where you live: confront him in a public place. Turn on your cellphone's voice recorder, put it in your front pocket and ask him to stop bothering you. You may get an instant confession recorded. If he says, "I can stalk you if I want to," or "I'll stop bothering you only after you give me some attention," then you have a confession right there.

    You might want to nip this in the bud soon and don't make the same mistake that I did by feeling sorry for your stalker. I assume that you were once friends, or at least acquaintances with this person. Regardless, take action, even if it means exposing this person for who he/she is. I have tons of recordings of my stalker (death threats, admission of parental abuse, admission of fraud and deception, etc.) along with phone records of up to 30 calls per day, 50 IM's per day and about 15 emails per day and messages to relatives. This is the kind of stuff that is irrefutable in court. Witnesses are great, but black-and-white proof is even better.

    I have also tried small talk to give my stalker some attention in tiny morsels to pacify him. It didn't work--the more attention I gave him, the more he wanted. I wasn't willing to let him fully back into my life, so he got frustrated and started harassing me again. It was even worse than the first round.

    You say that your stalker has not lost interest. This is the problem that I have too. People have said, "leave him alone and he'll go away," but this is not how his mind works. Then again, he has mental issues (probably F.A.S.). In fact, after over half a year of no contact with my stalker, he's still trying to get my attention. It's insane, and you can't reason with an unreasonable person. I feel for you... I really do.

    Hmmm. You gave me the exact opposite advice regarding my stalker a year ago. At any rate, I did contact his parents, and they supported me 100%, but decided that they could not do anything about his actions for reasons that I won't go into. In fact, they asked me to sue him, which is the very situation that I was trying to avoid.

    Gingernuts, I don't regret contacting my stalker's parents and I would recommend it for you also, but just remember that he/she may try to turn the tables and make you look like the stalker (as my stalker did). Just be sure to cover your tracks and make it clear to them that you are trying to resolve the situation--and don't appear threatening. Record it, if possible, as proof that you've tried to resolve this responsibly in case it doesn't work out. They likely know how crazy he/she is and know how to deal with them, but they can't do it unless you tell them what's going on. My stalker is middle-aged but still lives at home. Unfortunately, his parents cannot control his behavior because he is violent and they are afraid of him, so my phone call ended up being useless.

    I think that it's a bit different for women. They might be more vulnerable and need to remove themselves from harm's way. For Ginernuts, I would encourage him to not let his stalker affect his life and try to carry on as usual... if possible. I don't know how bad your situation is, Gingernuts, but maybe you can find a way to work around it if you think that taking legal action is unwise. Meanwhile, record everything that you can... with dates and times.

    With a psycho, it seems that legal action is expensive and unreliable, but I'd still recommend it for most people. A clever stalker can cover their tracks well enough to avoid a lawsuit or an arrest. It may come down to a he said/she said situation in court, in which case you need to be sure that you are more credible. You have to be very careful with a psycho... some can appear to be very normal. I learned the hard way.

    What I have learned from my experience is that if somebody you meet has no history, whether they are online or in the flesh, don't trust them fully until you know they are sane. A phone number can easily be changed, but personal details about your life can't. This information allows them to stalk you even more. Don't let them into your bubble.

    Good luck
     
  20. Lex

    Lex
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    I called the authorities (in my home area and in theirs) and then gave my stalkers the details of that contact. I also kept copious records. You'd be surprised what some stalkers will do--pretend to be other people, google things you type frequently-- in order to find you.
     
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