Support After Assault

[Sagittarius84]

I would feel so much better if she'd just have the exam and kit done now..she wouldn't have to do anything as far as police reporting if she didnt want to but would still have evidence on file if she chose to do so at some point in the future and then any immediate medical concerns could be a weight removed from the process...i had one good "forcing" that was effective in getting her to the hospital but its up to her now

 

[Sagittarius84]

you are looking for someone to blame.
I have the perfect object of your frustration, fear and pain.
The asshole who raped your wife.

That i cant identify, find, or make accountable in any way...i cant passively bear that anger, but i know I can't actively act on it without her help....


Ive seen her act against injustice on my behalf...in no way am I equating our respective experiences, but Ive seen her, against my protests at the time, despite my unwillingness to do so for my self, act on that anger on my behalf when dealing with law enforcement...I remember how at that specific time I was angry and hurt at how she dared to push an issue that I just wanted to go away so I could just get on with my life, instead pushing me to file a report, speak to superiors in person and ....and then later I remember how thankful I was to have that ride or die partner that wont drop the issue no matter if I were too weak, too scared or too uncomfortable to do it myself at the time....
She lifts me when I fall, only for me to simply prepare for her descent and prepare for life at a lower altitude

 

[Scarletbegonia]

I’m betting that incident didn’t take away your sense of agency over your own body.
A stranger entered her body. That’s a LOT to ever get around.
It’s not the same as speaking truth to power, although that skill is needed.

just.... don’t make your hurt and anger her burden. She is going to have trainloads of her own.

 

[Sagittarius84]

So progress...I reached out to a cousin that I trust to give me good advice. He definitely concurred with the prevailing opinion here to fall back on the police reporting issue...but he also mirrored my concern for her physical safety, namely to ensure ahe was ok and couldn't pass on anything to me or the kids...so I had to push on that..told her just please get the exam done..if you decide to do something further later please to at least set herself up for a greater chance of success...
So we made it to the Center...im probably gonna sign off for awhile as she's talking to the nurse now and Im in another room because I knew she wouldn't feel comfortable going into details in front of me, not that I couldn't if she needed me ..
I really want to thank you ladies...without professional help immediately nearby, you really helped to smooth me out and get me to a place where I could pleasantly, dare I say supportedly get her to take a step that she wouldnt have taken otherwise.

 

[AlteredEgo]

I understand you. Having been through the courts as a child (having reported chronic sexual abuse), I wouldn’t put myself through that again for anything that wasn’t absolutely cut & dried, i.e. attacked in public by someone I didn’t know, with witnesses/on tape etc. and where I believed that not reporting it would potentially leave others vulnerable to harm. If it was ‘messy’ - we knew each other, had been sexually/romantically linked or I was high/drunk etc. I just can’t see justice finding its way through the already complex (and overloaded) legal system that just isn’t equipped to handle the victim/survivor if it drags in/gets dropped. I have read that, victims tend to fare better (when it comes to possible PTSD) if the initial response (from medical, police, therapeutic etc.) is more factual and less “sympathetic”. If the event is treated as a crime rather than a “terrible thing that happened to you”, people are found to be recover more quickly. I’m not sure how this works with spousal support - not been in that situation, but my instinct would be to focus on medical treatment, first, and then support in ways that are right for her. It may be that the OP isn’t the right person to help with the support, in which case, a trained professional should be introduced into the situation as soon as possible.

I don't care about whether or not the assailant might repeat because I have no faith that there is anything I could do about that. I do not believe my efforts would bear fruit. I'm not going through all that for nothing again. That college swimmer guy was seen raping that woman, for example, and nothing happened to him. He is free to repeat.

It sounds like the OP and his wife have found their way to move forward together. I'm glad for that.

 

[LaFemme]

I don't care about whether or not the assailant might repeat because I have no faith that there is anything I could do about that. I do not believe my efforts would bear fruit. I'm not going through all that for nothing again. That college swimmer guy was seen raping that woman, for example, and nothing happened to him. He is free to repeat.

It sounds like the OP and his wife have found their way to move forward together. I'm glad for that.

You should read the book by Chanel Miller, the young women raped by that college swimmer. It’s quite triggering, but cathartic in a way.

 

[AlteredEgo]

You should read the book by Chanel Miller, the young women raped by that college swimmer. It’s quite triggering, but cathartic in a way.

I might. I'll ask my library to request an audio book version. These days I can't do one thing at a time. I miss sitting with a good book, but I cannot.

 

[AlteredEgo]

You should read the book by Chanel Miller, the young women raped by that college swimmer. It’s quite triggering, but cathartic in a way.

I am third on the waitlist for the audio book.

 

[LaFemme]

I am third on the waitlist for the audio book.

It was so tough at times to read. I had to put it down, process, cry, whatever. Mostly process it. Stirred up a lot of feelings.

 

[AlteredEgo]

It was so tough at times to read. I had to put it down, process, cry, whatever. Mostly process it. Stirred up a lot of feelings.

I'll be sure to listen to my zombie podcast in the car, and keep the book for inside the house.

 

[LaFemme]

I'll be sure to listen to my zombie podcast in the car, and keep the book for inside the house.

I think that’s for the best. I thought about you a lot while I was reading it. What you went through. It broke my heart. I love you, tons.

 

[AlteredEgo]

Is that worth the trauma of going through the system

Not to me. I'm glad it was cathartic for you.

You need to stop mentioning your age. It is against the TOS. Hopefully they will just edit it out, but be prepared for the possibility that some of your posts are going to go missing.