What do you consider cheating?
- Thread starter Gecko4lif
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B_subgirrl
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Cheating isn't just physical. It can be emotional too.
Although I'm not that fussy myself, I think sticking to Gecko's family rule would keep you safe from cheating accusations in any relationship.
Although I'm not that fussy myself, I think sticking to Gecko's family rule would keep you safe from cheating accusations in any relationship.
B_subgirrl
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That seems a little unfair. You can't control your thoughts. Did you mean seriously contemplating doing something with someone else, or were you including the random 'ooooh, he's nice' kinda thoughts?
B_subgirrl
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Fair 'nuff. I'm probably with you there. There's certainly a bit of betrayal going on if you're contemplating.
Riven650
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I agree with subgirrl on this. If you're going to feel guilty every time you notice that someone other than your SO is hot, then you're going to feel guilty an awful lot of the time. And that can't be good for you. Surely it's quite normal and healthy to be in a solid relationship with someone and to have reasonably clear boundaries that allow some freedom for self expression.
Humans are social animals, and I think a bit of flirting, etc. feeds back positively into a relationship. For instance, if my wife and I go to a club and do a bit of people watching, dancing, having fun, we get eyed up and sometimes hit upon by other couples and singles. This is flattering. I can see that other men and women find my wife attractive and she can see that they're finding me attractive. It reinforces my feelings about my wife's attractiveness, at the same time as boosting my self esteem, and it does exactly the same for her. When my wife says she finds a guy attractive (whether he's a tv character or a real person that we meet) I'm quite ok with that. I don't find it a threat.
I think the question of where do you draw the line re. how much contact is allowable is very much down to what makes you feel comfortable. Some couples have very strict rules about 'no flirting whatsoever', and some couples have very open 'swinging' relationships. Who are we to say what kinds of relationships other people should have? The important thing is trust. When my wife and I met we talked for hours about relationships and how we felt about fidelity, etc. I don't think we realised it but we were already thrashing out an agreement on the nature of acceptable behaviour in a theoretical relationship between us, even before kissing, or having sex, or committing. Doesn't sound too romantic does it? But on the third or fourth date when I leaned across the restaurant table and said 'kiss me', I already knew she was 'the one', and I was pretty confident that she felt the same way. Anyway, she was bowled over by the kiss and that evening we started an amazing sex life. We've had a great time, tested our boundaries a little, but 23 years later, the trust is as solid as ever. We have some friends we shake hands with. Some with whom 'air kissing' is the way to go, and we have one or two friends with whom we can be more passionate, with bum grabbing embraces and kissing full on the lips. These are people we can be naked with when we're sailing etc. But there are still strong boundaries. We don't have sex with them. So I think it's all down to communication, and finding someone who is happy with the same boundaries as you.
B_subgirrl
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Agree with everything you said as usual! This part in particular reminded me of my ex and I. My ex always understood that there would be a lot of flirting between a friend and I (the current FB. He was also my FB before my relationship with the ex). He knew that we would hug a lot and kiss each other on the mouth. He also knew that I would never do more than that with him while in a relationship (which is why he was OK with it). If I'd done all this with some other friend though (one without the history), he might have been concerned - mostly because he wouldn't have known where it was coming from. I often flirted with others and hugged them, but not to the same extent.
I was always fine if he flirted with people a little. Again, I had trust that he wouldn't engage in sexual contact with them, so I didn't mind the flirting. I do have to admit to a little jealousy when he was getting along with a particular girl all too well, but they never actually crossed a line. It was more envy than jealousy though. I was envious that she had a good relationship with him and had fun with him when I didn't (it was towards the end when our relationship was falling apart).
Riven650
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What you describe subgirrl, re. your relationship with your ex sounds very similar to my wife's experiences. We had both had long term relationships in which we had felt quite insecure. It isn't exactly what's you're partner does so much as how it makes you feel that matters. It's vital to make sure that your partner really is ok with your behavior too. Because if you can't make your partner feel secure, how can you expect them to make you feel secure?
B_subgirrl
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To be honest, if he'd been doing it at any other time in our relationship, it wouldn't have been a problem. By that point though, we weren't really enjoying each other's company at all, and I was envious that a) she DID have a good time when she was with him (I wanted to have a good time with him) and b) he enjoyed her company (I wanted him to enjoy MY company). So it was less about what he was doing, and more about what was wrong in our relationship. I felt bad for feeling grouchy about it because it wasn't something that would normally bother me.
Riven650
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That makes a lot of sense. Yes. It's vital that you don't give someone outside your relationship more, happy, loving, romantic, etc. signals than you do your partner.
B_thickjohnny
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Absolutely. My ex was seeing another guy behind my back. He swore up one side and down the other that there was nothing physical but I could feel that there was something there but I knew it because during the time he was meeting the guy our relationship had shifted. The physical side really tapered off and I couldn't figure it out.
Later, after our break up, he admitted that they had JO sessions but still, it wasn't penetrative sex, so to him it wasn't cheating. He was seeing the guy regularly behind my back and even went off for a weekend together. I found out when that happened because he didn't cover his tracks well enough. I broke it off and asked him to move out. The lack of physical contact (no love making or kissing) with me then made sense.
He wants to get back together with me but I can feel any emotional connection from him. He still refuses to kiss, for example, and only wants JO. I see this as not emotionally attracted to me - that he wants security only (he's 24). He still sees the other guy too which, for me, says a lot.
So yes, there is emotional cheating which can be worse than physical cheating IMHO.
Hit the nail on the head!
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B_subgirrl
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I think this is where the problem was. It's not what he was doing that was the problem. It wasn't even meant in a sexual or cheating kind of way. I just felt left out. This had nothing to do with why he's an ex BTW!
This is exactly the sort of thing I was talking about. You can cheat without crossing any sexual boundaries (which makes it even harder to find a definition).
Catchoftheday
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helgaleena
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Some people do not want actual commitment to a partner, just the convenience of having another human under the same roof. It can only work if both of the people involved feel the same level of non-attachment. Sounds like your ex was completely unwilling to commit, and instead wanted you to abandon your own values to match up with his. Technical definitions of what is cheating and what isn't merely mask the underlying dysfunction.
helgaleena
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Riven650
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- Enid,
This is just my personal view on the matter, so take it for what you will: Cheating is any physically sexual activity with another. From kissing to anything else.
Emotional stuff I don't care about. My partner and I both have strong emotional relationships with other people. Some of those r-ships involve a flirty/sexual vibe. It's cool with me, as there is strong mutual trust on either side. It just keeps the romance alive IMO. I am probably the bigger flirt of the pair. He likes it, he thinks it fosters a sexy mindset and he really adores highly sexual women.
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