What's the best way to reconnect with a female friend without being desperate?

[Anonymous420]

So I have this friend of a little over 2 years. We really started becoming close around the spring of 2014. We'd hang out together, go to a lot of events together, hang out at each other's houses, etc. Then late last year/early this year, we kinda started drifting apart and idk why. Towards the end, I'd have to be the one initiating hang outs, etc. Then around April/May, I reached out a few times (spaced apart) and didn't get a reply at all. So I just gave up...

We never did anything sexual. Mainly because at the time, I had severe body dysmorphia and thought I was ugly/deformed so I never came on sexually to a woman, ever. I've now gotten over it, but still have not met any woman with as good as chemistry as her and I have. A lot of people said it seemed like she liked me, and everyone is shocked we didn't do anything. I'm sure she might have stopped talking to me because I never made a move and so she might have moved on, idk.

Anyways, at the end up September, I went to an outdoor music/arts event with a couple friends of mine. While I was there, she ran into me, and gave me a hug. This time, she initiated the "hello" to me. She also talked with my friends and I for a good 10-15 minutes, and seemed to be genuinely interested in the conversation. Anyways, later on after we all dispersed, my friends wanted to leave early, so I never had the chance to say goodbye to her before I left. I wanted to reach out and make plans, but I didn't know how.

Anyways, several months have passed since that event. And every now and then, good times with us have popped up in my mind, and I really miss her and think about her a lot as of recent. I really want to reach out, but I'm so scared of coming across as a creep. What should I do?

TL;DR: Friend dropped off for a few months for no reason. However, she ran into me at an event 2 months ago and said hello and we had a good conversation for a good amount of time. How can I try and reconnect without being creepy?

 

[AlteredEgo]

Why would reconnecting be creepy? Are you a creep? What's wrong with calling her up, telling her you were glad you ran into her and would like to go to this thing next weekend?

 

[Mercurygirl]

I wouldn't think it creepy at all if a guy I use to be friends with wanted to reconnect. Certainly I'd question his motives but if I'm interested I'm going to agree to it. What her interest are in you, why she ignored you on your previous attempts, well, she only knows that.

Just be honest with her and move in the direction you wanted to but couldn't all those months ago. Tell her you missed her and wanted to get to know her better but just didn't have the confidence at the time. For if it was a case of her giving up on a relationship with you because you never made a move and she thought you didn't like her in that way she's going to be none too happy if you jerk her chain a second time around. Don't be overly aggressive but be proactive and take charge of the relationship you hope for. You want her? Go get her.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained, "Of all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these, 'it might have been'." ... And all that.

Don't you dare be sitting on a sofa next to her at the end of the evening looking at your hands waiting for some god damn sign. The fact that she's sitting there is the sign. I'm telling you if she agrees to go out with you and you wimp out, again, she's going to hate you, herself for agreeing to reconnect, and will want to kick you in the fucking head.

Man up or leave her alone.

 

[lil peachie]

I don't think it would be creepy at all. My husband & I were friends in high school, drifted afterwards. He moved to Boston 7 years ago; moved back here Nov 2015. He looked me up on FB before he moved we started talking everyday. The first time we hung out he was scared out of his mind, but it just clicked. We were married this past Sept, & I've never been so happy.

I shared that to say, just reach out. Tell her how you feel. The worst thing that can happen is she says she's not interested. If that's the case you'll have closure & can stop wondering. Maybe there's more there, or you're just meant to be friends. Sometimes it takes us time to figure out what we really want/need.

 

[EllieP]

Just do it. And tell us all the details!

Seriously, an old friend calling to reconnect? I'd love it! My niece called me out of the blue a few months ago. I know it's been two years since I saw her last. She's living in Dallas and just called to say hi. I almost cried I was so happy.

OK, your situation is slightly different, but as long as you're not a creep I don't see a thing wrong with it. You aren't a creep, are you?

"Hey, I was just thinking about you and wanted to call and see how you were doing?"

"If you're ever downtown we need to get a coffee and reconnect. I miss you."

"Are you still working in that bookstore? I remember when I ran into you there."

Come on, you can come up with something. My niece just said "Aunt E? Hi, It's S! How are you? I missed you and just wanted to call and say hi!"

That opened the gates. We talked for almost 45 minutes. Now I'm trying to get her to Florida. She's a junior in college, so I'll try to get her in between semesters.

 

[Tight_N_Juicy]

Anything other than your sincere self would be 'creepy' imo because it's pretty obvious to me when someone is trying to avoid acting a certain way. Just be yourself and just go with it.

 

[Anonymous420]

Thanks everyone for the advice!!

Why would reconnecting be creepy? Are you a creep? What's wrong with calling her up, telling her you were glad you ran into her and would like to go to this thing next weekend?

I try not to be creepy. But due to my lack of experience with women along with my low self-esteem, I've been told by outsiders (not her or anyone I'm close with) that I give off a creepy vibe.

I kinda feel weird saying "it was good to run into her" after it's already been almost 2 months.

Just do it. And tell us all the details!

Seriously, an old friend calling to reconnect? I'd love it! My niece called me out of the blue a few months ago. I know it's been two years since I saw her last. She's living in Dallas and just called to say hi. I almost cried I was so happy.

OK, your situation is slightly different, but as long as you're not a creep I don't see a thing wrong with it. You aren't a creep, are you?

"Hey, I was just thinking about you and wanted to call and see how you were doing?"

"If you're ever downtown we need to get a coffee and reconnect. I miss you."

"Are you still working in that bookstore? I remember when I ran into you there."

Come on, you can come up with something. My niece just said "Aunt E? Hi, It's S! How are you? I missed you and just wanted to call and say hi!"

That opened the gates. We talked for almost 45 minutes. Now I'm trying to get her to Florida. She's a junior in college, so I'll try to get her in between semesters.

Well, I think I left some stuff out. When I first texted her back in April or May, I said "Hey, I miss hanging out with you. Do you still go to shows or are you kinda done with that scene?" THat might have been random. I just don't want to be a creepy person or a harasser. But everything did go good 2 months ago when she ran into me.

All and all, I really want to reach out. But I just feel like it would be too out of the blue since we haven't hung out in such a long time, and it's been 2 months since we last ran into each other .

 

[C41ara]

Why creepy? You guys should learn how to talk just talk, and the power of a good talk.

Talk is good!

Of course you will look for a pretext to start talking and myabe it's gonna be kind of akward, for both of you, but if you're honest ith your intentions, reconnecting with an old friend is great for you and for her

 

[Anonymous420]

Hey, thanks so much for the answer, and thanks everyone else for answers too!

So here's a little update, and here's what's making me reluctant. Let me know if I'm overthinking!

Anyways, one bad thing she's showed is that anytime that I'd invite her to an event or page I'm helping with, she never accepts it. However, I noticed today, a mutual friend invited me and a bunch of other people to his page, and she accepted his page invite, but not mine. However, it's just Facebook, so maybe I'm thinking too far into it? I miss her, and want to reach back out again. However, I'm not sure what to do!

 

[Anonymous420]

I wouldn't think it creepy at all if a guy I use to be friends with wanted to reconnect. Certainly I'd question his motives but if I'm interested I'm going to agree to it. What her interest are in you, why she ignored you on your previous attempts, well, she only knows that.

Just be honest with her and move in the direction you wanted to but couldn't all those months ago. Tell her you missed her and wanted to get to know her better but just didn't have the confidence at the time. For if it was a case of her giving up on a relationship with you because you never made a move and she thought you didn't like her in that way she's going to be none too happy if you jerk her chain a second time around. Don't be overly aggressive but be proactive and take charge of the relationship you hope for. You want her? Go get her.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained, "Of all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these, 'it might have been'." ... And all that.

Don't you dare be sitting on a sofa next to her at the end of the evening looking at your hands waiting for some god damn sign. The fact that she's sitting there is the sign. I'm telling you if she agrees to go out with you and you wimp out, again, she's going to hate you, herself for agreeing to reconnect, and will want to kick you in the fucking head.

Man up or leave her alone.

When will be a good time? Isn't it overly random to just randomly text her?

 

[AlteredEgo]

Are you serious, Bro? Don't you want an answer? If you have any shred of self respect, quit your weak, wishy-washy bullshit and take action. I mean, damn'! The worst that happens is she doesn't want to reconnect with you. How is that any different from your current situation? 'The fuck are you afraid of? Her? Why? Is she a demigod from an evil realm? A hungry lioness? A librarian looking to hold you accountable for overdue books? No! So put you goddamn fortitude in a bucket if that's the only way you can carry it and your spine at the same time, and just tell her how nice it was to see her in September, let her know you'd been meaning to call, but life kinda ran away with you, and ask wouldn't she like to do XYZ-Event next weekend.

If that's too hard, put her out of your mind, and go live the lonely life all people too anxiety-ridden to just attempt conversation curate for themselves. What is wrong with you, Man? If you reconnect and even find the courage to finally show romantic interest in her, you may get absolutely everything you wanted with her. How awesome! And if it doesn't work out, you'll try again with someone else some other time. Don't continue to be this sad, sorry person. Do not condemn yourself to that dreary life!

 

[Anonymous420]

I miss her so much it hurts. But I have so much aanxiety idk how to do it. I saw her in December but due my group, again, couldn't say bye due to an early leave.

PLEASE HELP!

I miss her so much I could cry.

I regret not making a move, she gave me so many opportunities

 

[693987]

I miss her so much it hurts. But I have so much aanxiety idk how to do it. I saw her in December but due my group, again, couldn't say bye due to an early leave.

PLEASE HELP!

I miss her so much I could cry.

I regret not making a move, she gave me so many opportunities

You've been given some sound advice in this thread and you seem to ignore all of it, so time for blunt and mildly rude.

We're not her. If you miss her "so much you could cry", suck it up buttercup, and fucking talk to her. It seems you'd rather whine about things than actually take action, which if she were sooooooooooooo important.. well, priorities. Sometimes life is scary. Oh well.

 

[MickeyLee]

*blink* dude, how hard is it to text "was great seeing you again, whatever event was great fun"
you don't have to open the door and blunder through, just knock on the door.
if she doesn't reply, you will know where you stand.
if she does reply, then you can get to know her.

a couple of things

how close were the two all those years ago? if you were an acquaintance more than a friend, an assume familiarity would be mad awkward. and the dreaded creepy.

what are your intentions? cuz nothing she has said or done make it seem that she sees you as a romantic possibility. she might be weary of you wanting more than she is willing to give.
if you want a friend, be friendly
if you want more, be up front about it. there is no such thing as "friend-zoned", it's a manipulative head space and pisses most women off.

you might have already built this up too much in your own mind.
you've been pining and suffering through angst since Sept.
remember for her you are some dude she ran into, talk to for 15 mins and went on her way.
the interaction and expectations are way more significant to you than it maybe to her.

the best idea? if you have extended invitation and been ignored, she could be saying heaps with her silence.
*shrug*

i'm not as encouraging as the other ladies.
i think she already "told" you where she stands, you just don't like the answer.
ya just making yaself suffer, dude.



.

 

[AlteredEgo]

I miss her so much it hurts. But I have so much aanxiety idk how to do it. I saw her in December but due my group, again, couldn't say bye due to an early leave.

PLEASE HELP!

I miss her so much I could cry.

I regret not making a move, she gave me so many opportunities

You're a lying attention whore. All you want is for people here to pay attention. If a single word you write is true, you'd have already followed the advice you were given. Fuck off.

 

[Anonymous420]

We were really good friends before. Whenever she was recovering from heroin addiction, she confided in me and she didn't really anyone else. She'd give me rides when I was having car trouble, and I'd do the same for her. We were there for each other, then we just kind of stopped talking. And I have no idea how to reach back out.

For the longest time, she'd give me tons of hints that she wanted to fuck, but I never made a single move. She'd come come over to my place to watch movies, follow me around at parties, I was the only guy she ever went out with. If she does go out, I only see her with other girls. I think she liked me back, but I never did anything and I let her down. I want to just get one more chance to go out with her again, and at least flirt and gage her interests.




I feel like since it's been a month since we last saw each other, reaching out to her now might make me out to be a drunk ex or something. Seeing it'd be a little too random.

@AlteredEgo

No. I just don't want to know how to reach out without seeming like a creepy drunk ex.

*blink* dude, how hard is it to text "was great seeing you again, whatever event was great fun"
you don't have to open the door and blunder through, just knock on the door.
if she doesn't reply, you will know where you stand.
if she does reply, then you can get to know her.

a couple of things

how close were the two all those years ago? if you were an acquaintance more than a friend, an assume familiarity would be mad awkward. and the dreaded creepy.

what are your intentions? cuz nothing she has said or done make it seem that she sees you as a romantic possibility. she might be weary of you wanting more than she is willing to give.
if you want a friend, be friendly
if you want more, be up front about it. there is no such thing as "friend-zoned", it's a manipulative head space and pisses most women off.

you might have already built this up too much in your own mind.
you've been pining and suffering through angst since Sept.
remember for her you are some dude she ran into, talk to for 15 mins and went on her way.
the interaction and expectations are way more significant to you than it maybe to her.

the best idea? if you have extended invitation and been ignored, she could be saying heaps with her silence.
*shrug*

i'm not as encouraging as the other ladies.
i think she already "told" you where she stands, you just don't like the answer.
ya just making yaself suffer, dude.



.

...

 

[MickeyLee]

you were good friends during a very hard time in her life *addiction*
there could be some deep emotions dredged up when she sees you.

what you see has her expressing a sexual interest in you .... all those things i do with my male friends and i really have no desire to have sex with any of them

i think you should just move on
meet new people

 

[AlteredEgo]

Nah, you're a liar. If not to us, then to yourself. In November your excuse was it had been two months, and you said that much time elapsed because you had been too anxious and did bohemian know what to say. We tools you then to forget the time a and just say you wanted to hang out and be close again. You didn't because deep p down you don't want to badly enough. You'd rather reminisce and fantasize than risk hearing she's over it. Resolution is not a priority for you. If it were, you'd have acted in November. You had a perfectly good opportunity in December, and no excuse that it had been to long.

Anyway. Leave her alone. She pulled away and stopped talking to you in spring. She ignores you on social media. You were close during a time she needs to leave behind. You know toomuch about a part of herself she wants to forget. She's gone, Bro. Remove her from your social media. If you see her in the distance, evade her and avoid eye contact. Stop comparing other women to your fantasy of her. Move on.