Last November, I gave up on having a Master/slave relationship after having had one for over two years. There were many reasons for this, including frustration with my husband/Dom for non-D/s reasons, frustration with my M/s life not being how I envisioned it to be, and concluding that maybe I really wasn't slave material and was just a sexual submissive after all.
Since my husband and I have recently renewed our sexual/play activity, I have had surprising feelings come up. I hadn't realized until just a few days ago that I still have a strong internal drive to be Mastered, and not just in the "bedroom." At that point, I started to realize that maybe I was destined to wear my husband's collar after all.
I was afraid...am still somewhat afraid...that my resentments about certain aspects of our life will undermine my submission. But I wrote a long post to the Submissive Women group on FetLife the other day, asking for advice on how to proceed. Almost universally, they advised me to take it cautiously and slowly, and to remember that I didn't have to be completely one thing or the other. Reading their advice, I realized it doesn't have to be as black and white as "I am a slave in a 24/7, TPE relationship and my Master orders every aspect of my life" vs. "I am a sub only in the bedroom and my Dom has no power over me outside those confines."
So yesterday afternoon, finally, I sat down with my husband to have a talk. I told him the things I had been thinking and feeling. And what we finally decided is to go back to being Master and slave, but not exactly in the way we had been. So far we have brought back one protocol; we will almost certainly bring back more, but not necessarily all the ones we used to have. And I haven't agreed to submit to him in every aspect of my life. We have left it sort of open-ended at this point...I will submit to him in the ways we have agreed and the rest will have to be negotiated as time goes on.
I may never be a "full" slave again -- I'm still just not sure that life is for me. But I am definitely a slave of some kind.
The protocol we re-instituted was my affirmation to him, which is to be said every morning, and any other time he asks me to. However, we have changed the words of the affirmation slightly. Now it says,
"I am your slave, Sir.
I belong to you, and I love being owned by you.
As I go about this life, I will do my very best
To bring you pleasure and happiness,
And I will love you forever."
Notice I am not promising to obey and serve him in all things. I am not promising to give my total and outright submission. I am promising to do my very best to bring him pleasure and happiness, and that is a capacity in which I am confident of my ability to serve right now.
Yesterday, after our talk, he had me strip and get on the bed in "usage" position (on knees and elbows, head on the bed, butt in the air), and wait for him. When he came in, he positioned his cockhead at my entrance and ordered me to say the affirmation. As I began to say it, he slowly entered me, and I finished the affirmation with our bodies melded as one.
We had really enjoyable sex, and afterward he re-collared me.
It feels a little strange to have his collar on now...before, I wore it for so long it seemed just another part of me, but now I really feel it. It probably won't take too long to get used to the feeling.
We had another good play/sex session in the evening, and I noticed that being his "slave" once more makes me feel much more open and welcoming to him, and his being my Master again seems to have really given him a boost in his confidence. He seems much surer of himself than when we were just playing "bedroom" Dom and sub.
LPSG Note: No, I am not going to change my username again because of this. :wink:
Since my husband and I have recently renewed our sexual/play activity, I have had surprising feelings come up. I hadn't realized until just a few days ago that I still have a strong internal drive to be Mastered, and not just in the "bedroom." At that point, I started to realize that maybe I was destined to wear my husband's collar after all.
I was afraid...am still somewhat afraid...that my resentments about certain aspects of our life will undermine my submission. But I wrote a long post to the Submissive Women group on FetLife the other day, asking for advice on how to proceed. Almost universally, they advised me to take it cautiously and slowly, and to remember that I didn't have to be completely one thing or the other. Reading their advice, I realized it doesn't have to be as black and white as "I am a slave in a 24/7, TPE relationship and my Master orders every aspect of my life" vs. "I am a sub only in the bedroom and my Dom has no power over me outside those confines."
So yesterday afternoon, finally, I sat down with my husband to have a talk. I told him the things I had been thinking and feeling. And what we finally decided is to go back to being Master and slave, but not exactly in the way we had been. So far we have brought back one protocol; we will almost certainly bring back more, but not necessarily all the ones we used to have. And I haven't agreed to submit to him in every aspect of my life. We have left it sort of open-ended at this point...I will submit to him in the ways we have agreed and the rest will have to be negotiated as time goes on.
I may never be a "full" slave again -- I'm still just not sure that life is for me. But I am definitely a slave of some kind.
The protocol we re-instituted was my affirmation to him, which is to be said every morning, and any other time he asks me to. However, we have changed the words of the affirmation slightly. Now it says,
"I am your slave, Sir.
I belong to you, and I love being owned by you.
As I go about this life, I will do my very best
To bring you pleasure and happiness,
And I will love you forever."
Notice I am not promising to obey and serve him in all things. I am not promising to give my total and outright submission. I am promising to do my very best to bring him pleasure and happiness, and that is a capacity in which I am confident of my ability to serve right now.
Yesterday, after our talk, he had me strip and get on the bed in "usage" position (on knees and elbows, head on the bed, butt in the air), and wait for him. When he came in, he positioned his cockhead at my entrance and ordered me to say the affirmation. As I began to say it, he slowly entered me, and I finished the affirmation with our bodies melded as one.
We had really enjoyable sex, and afterward he re-collared me.
It feels a little strange to have his collar on now...before, I wore it for so long it seemed just another part of me, but now I really feel it. It probably won't take too long to get used to the feeling.
We had another good play/sex session in the evening, and I noticed that being his "slave" once more makes me feel much more open and welcoming to him, and his being my Master again seems to have really given him a boost in his confidence. He seems much surer of himself than when we were just playing "bedroom" Dom and sub.
LPSG Note: No, I am not going to change my username again because of this. :wink:
