Things You Can't Say with Hallmark
"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."
"How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?"
"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."
"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."
"Thanks for being a part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was before this!"
"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age... Almost life like!
"I knew the day would come when he would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"
"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday - so we're having you put to sleep."
"Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Arkansas and Oklahoma)
A redneck family visiting the city went to a mall for the first time. While the mother shopped, the father and son looked at the sights. They were especially amazed by two shiny, silver walls that moved apart and then back together. The boy asked "Paw, What's 'at?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded "Son, I ain't got no idea'r. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life."
While the boy and his father were watching, a fat old lady walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walked between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up and a young, gorgeous, voluptuous blonde stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the beautiful woman, said quietly
"Boy, go git yore Momma…"
The Straight Dope On Food and Exercise
Q: Will cardiovascular exercise prolong life?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they're not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: At the gym, a guy asked me to "spot" for him while he did the bench press. What did he mean?
A: "Spotting" for someone means you stand over him while he blows air up your shorts. It's an accepted practice at health clubs; though if you find that it becomes the only reason why you're going in, you probably ought to reevaluate your exercise program.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Sorry... Can't think of a single one. My philosophy is: No Pain-No Pain.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Susie Lee fell in love.
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy 'bout it all,
she told her Pappy so.
Pappy told her, "Susie Gal,
you'll have to find another.
I'd just as soon yo' maw don't know,
but Joe is yo' half-brother."
So Susie forgot about her Joe
and planned to marry Will.
But, after telling Pappy this,
he said, "There's trouble still.
You can't marry Will, my gal,
and please don't tell yo' mother,
cause Will and Joe and several mo'
I know is yo' half-brother."
But Mama knew and said "Honey Child,
Do what makes yo' happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe,
You ain't no kin to Pappy!"
After the birth of their tenth child, an Arkansas couple decided that enough was enough. The husband went to the doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want any more children, and he asked what could the doctor do to help. The doctor smiled, told him to go home, get a cherry bomb, put it in a can and light the fuse, then hold the can up to his ear and count to ten. The man relayed this story to his wife, and shaking his head in doubt said, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a can next to my ear is going to help!" His wife agreed, and they drove to Missouri together for a second opinion. Surprisingly enough, when they told the second doctor why they'd come, he asked them where they were from, and then told them to buy a cherry bomb, put it in a can, light the fuse, and for the husband to hold it next to his ear and count to ten. Deciding that both doctors couldn't be wrong, the couple went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a can.
The husband held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5...", at which point he paused, placed the can between his legs and counted on his other hand: "6, 7, 8..."
"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."
"How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?"
"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."
"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."
"Thanks for being a part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was before this!"
"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age... Almost life like!
"I knew the day would come when he would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"
"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday - so we're having you put to sleep."
"Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Arkansas and Oklahoma)
A redneck family visiting the city went to a mall for the first time. While the mother shopped, the father and son looked at the sights. They were especially amazed by two shiny, silver walls that moved apart and then back together. The boy asked "Paw, What's 'at?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded "Son, I ain't got no idea'r. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life."
While the boy and his father were watching, a fat old lady walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walked between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up and a young, gorgeous, voluptuous blonde stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the beautiful woman, said quietly
"Boy, go git yore Momma…"
The Straight Dope On Food and Exercise
Q: Will cardiovascular exercise prolong life?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they're not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: At the gym, a guy asked me to "spot" for him while he did the bench press. What did he mean?
A: "Spotting" for someone means you stand over him while he blows air up your shorts. It's an accepted practice at health clubs; though if you find that it becomes the only reason why you're going in, you probably ought to reevaluate your exercise program.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Sorry... Can't think of a single one. My philosophy is: No Pain-No Pain.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Susie Lee fell in love.
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy 'bout it all,
she told her Pappy so.
Pappy told her, "Susie Gal,
you'll have to find another.
I'd just as soon yo' maw don't know,
but Joe is yo' half-brother."
So Susie forgot about her Joe
and planned to marry Will.
But, after telling Pappy this,
he said, "There's trouble still.
You can't marry Will, my gal,
and please don't tell yo' mother,
cause Will and Joe and several mo'
I know is yo' half-brother."
But Mama knew and said "Honey Child,
Do what makes yo' happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe,
You ain't no kin to Pappy!"
After the birth of their tenth child, an Arkansas couple decided that enough was enough. The husband went to the doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want any more children, and he asked what could the doctor do to help. The doctor smiled, told him to go home, get a cherry bomb, put it in a can and light the fuse, then hold the can up to his ear and count to ten. The man relayed this story to his wife, and shaking his head in doubt said, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a can next to my ear is going to help!" His wife agreed, and they drove to Missouri together for a second opinion. Surprisingly enough, when they told the second doctor why they'd come, he asked them where they were from, and then told them to buy a cherry bomb, put it in a can, light the fuse, and for the husband to hold it next to his ear and count to ten. Deciding that both doctors couldn't be wrong, the couple went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a can.
The husband held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5...", at which point he paused, placed the can between his legs and counted on his other hand: "6, 7, 8..."
