Anyone else have this problem?

Cowabanga

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I hate to say this but inability to have sex is the first formeost sign of health issue. If you can have sex than most likely you are good to go. Sudden weight gain or loss is another facter of health.

however if inability to have sex with partner only can be leading to what going on in your head. I had problem and I went to a urologist, and he was very helpful. I would say in the end it was the pressure I put on myself in my head. The brain is a powerful sexual organ. So now I tell the women to be patience, and just relax. I think putting brakes on makes her even more anticipated. It's okay to just let it ride in its own pace.

The older I got and the experience behind it made the problem go away. It's thing like this that makes the movie "40 year old virgin" so funny, because much of it is so universially true!
 

D_Brecock Evileye

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I also can relate to your problem, I find that it gets less frequent the longer I am with the same person. It resurfaces when I change partners.(A kind of performance angziety without the loss of erection.)
 

Jonesy98

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same old same... tried the 1 month deathgrip plan... it kinda/maybe worked for the first intercourse session... after that though, back to the impossible grind... that was back in January.

Sorry to keep bringing this thread back from the dead... just hoping that a new member might shed some light. I'm gonna be with this woman for the rest of my life, and the thought of this being my only sexual experience is horribly depressing.

Thanks to all who've posted,

J.
 
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Aww sorry to hear this dude. :(

Sounds like you're a cool lad tho - and the fact that you two are still together is something to be pleased about. Some ppl never find someone they want to spend the rest of their lives with.

Are you on any kind of medication at all? I've been on Prozac on and off, and it makes me much less sensitive and makes it much harder to cum.

It could be the worrying that's the problem - because you feel under pressure to cum, you're trying too hard and stressing. If I'm worrying or feel under pressure - it makes it much more difficult.
Is it possible to just enjoy sex with her without having to cum? If she accepts this then it will be easier for you to just enjoy it and not worry - that way it wont matter if you do or not (and in the long run would probs mean that you did).

You could always speak to a Doc, just to put your mind at rest. (Would be embarrassing probably, but I'm sure they've heard it all before).

Good luck anyway dude.
 

darkbond007

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If I were you and if you havent as yet, I would introduce new things in bed.

Have you tried playing porn in the background? What about toys of some sort? Maybe if she plays with your ass or rub your taint or something out of the ordinary. Have you tried different environments? What about her talking dirty or being more forceful?

Have you tried going to a sex therapist?

Also not sure if you gave enough detail...When you have sex do you feel nothing, but masturbation feels totally different, or do you feel sexual sensations but just dont orgasm. I know I tend to have a problem with the latter, I feel sexual sensations but only certain rhythms and positions will bring me to climax, but I consider myself pretty experienced.

How about inviting a third party to bedroom?
 

Jonesy98

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Well, as far as new things go...

1) background Porn: definite no-go. She doesn't approve of it and I would probably be in trouble if I even mentioned it. She holds viewing a GGW (outside of the context of "I was at the dude's house and he put it on while we listened to old LPs") as an equivalent to cheating. Literally.

2) Toys: I have brought this up multiple times and she's not interested in having anything in the bed besides what's attached biologically.

3) Dirty Talk: This actually started for the first time. Apparently I say some really foul stuff to her in my sleep. One day she just dropped the F-bomb and it really got us both very excited. It could be going somewhere, but to push one or two little sayings per session into an all out foul-mouthery is probably unwise at this point (she's VERY "classy").

4) Third Party: This came up jokingly a few times, but I think I'd be left on the curb if I tried to discuss it seriously. The thought is a major turn on for me, but I'm a guy, and even though I thought I could live a life without being the stereotypical sex-hungry, wants to bang everything in sight even though he's got it all, kinda guy, I am coming to see that I'm just as guilty as the next.

Thanks for all the info. The more things I try the closer I get to solution.
 
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Hmm, she sounds a tiny bit uptight man - wonder if that's somehow causing you to hold back at all? (maybe not - just a thought).

Maybe it wouldn't hurt to mention it to a Doc - could put your mind at rest, and help to see if there's any physical reasons that are reducing sensitivity.

Also...it seems like the best way to handle this is to totally remove the stress from the situation. Would it be possible to 'ban cumming' during intercourse for a while (4 - 6 wks?). This would mean you werent allowed to cum during sex, even if you felt like it - and would remove the pressure of having to perform and would allow you to both just enjoy each other's body.

Then, if things are going well after a while, and you feel more relaxed during sex (and maybe a lot closer to cumming - even holding it back), you could allow urself once a week to cum during sex...this would mean most of the time there was no pressure and would gradually introduce again the possibility of cumming.

That strategy might sound a bit daft - but it's used as a psychological technique to deal with other things.

All the best anyway dude. ;)
 

Jonesy98

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bump... she's lost a lot of drive lately... haven't been able to get the kink going.
 

drdna

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I had the same experience. I lost my virginity in college. I took me hours to have a climax and my girlfriend took forever if she ever got there at all, as well. I only had reliable orgasms with masturbation.

The human sexual response is controlled by a balance between two types of nerves that innervate the penis, called the sympathetic and parasympathetic. If the balance isn't right, you may have a hard time getting to climax and even find that you lose your erection quickly when you don't want to.

Anxiety increases sympathetic tone (the "fight-or-flight" response) and can lead to anorgasmia. If you have increased parasympathetic tone as well, it can lead to premature ejaculation. Sympathetic tone will be naturally elevated in young physically fit persons. Certain foods rich in amine precurors, like hard cheese, eggs, and red wine can also cause an imbalance.

You can reduce your sympathetic tone by:
1. Aging. With time, the problem will naturally go away.
2. Attain comfortable intimacy. If you are truly relaxed, secure and comfortable in your relationship, this should help.
3. Avoiding amine rich foods, like red wine, hard cheeses, coffee, and meat.
4. Balancing parasympathetic tone with a fiber rich diet.
5. Avoiding stimulation in the environment like loud music, electronics, etc.
6. Using relaxation techniques like meditation, kundalini yoga, etc.
7. Physically stimulating the parasympathetic tone through pelvic tilt realignment (Rolfing type chiropractic techniques).
8. Using medications like Viagra (which will balance sympathetic tone) or Inderal (which will reduce sympathetic tone) and avoiding medications like Albuterol (asthma inhaler) or steroids, both of which will increase sympathetic tone.

Most importantly, relax and just enjoy what happens. The sexual response varies a lot from person to person and from encounter to encounter. I was with my first girlfriend for a few years and the sex always lasted hours. It wasn't an issue for us though. I just assumed that is how sex was going to be.

Later, we broke up, and I had a casual, one-night stand. I was talking about lasting for hours and then came in about three minutes, even wearing a condom. She was pissed off! I was surprised as hell.

Another girl I was really madly in love with, and I could never even get it up at all!

As I got more experienced I learned how to control my response through meditation and mental focus, so I can basically have an orgasm when I want to at this point.

There is no reason that you can't do the same. It is just a matter of time and patience.
 

Jonesy98

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I'm not much of a drinker, and I have no clue how I perform while drunk (never done it). I'd kinda like to find out. Maybe it would break down some invisible wall or something.
 

oacliffbuddy

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I've read you mentioning the things your girlfriend doesn't like. This is actually about you and I haven't seen anyone ask....so getting down to basics, girl friend aside......

What types of things turn you on? Porn? sounds like you haven't masturbated as much recently. What did you do for stimulation before? Standard masturbation? Anal stimulation, etc... You haven't mentioned any fantasies. It could be you're somewhere further over on the gray gay to hetero scale. It happens sometimes. What do you think about or do on your own to get over the top?

Per an earlier reference, while you might love her, you might not be "in love" with her. That emotional connection plays an important role in sex. She might not be "the" right one. Sometimes your dick knows before you do. I was in a relationship once and my dick figured it out before I did. The sex didn't change that much, it just gradually got less....fulfilling. When I finally took the time to really think it through, what came to me was that it was time to move on. No one's fault really, just not the right chemistry. It happens.

So what's up with you?
 

Jonesy98

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Update... after 4.5 years it just got to be too much. We started messing with toys... it helped her a lot. She decided she wanted to sleep with a bigger dick, so now I have to deal with all the bullshit that comes with that.

We're done and I just want to drown my memories of her in a night with a total stranger. Doesn't look like that's gonna happen anytime soon... I've blown all my recent attempts at what seemed to be "shoe-in" lays.

I finally had an orgasm from sex... but it's not easy. I have to pound away, tighten every muscle in my body, give myself an aneurysm, etc. It's happened maybe 20 times or so since September of last year. I usually just get crippling migraine and have to call it quits.

I just wanna lay on my back and be brought to ecstasy for once in my life... is this a pipe dream? Can any of you just relax while your partner brings you to orgasm?

This shit is really old. I'm bout to lose my damn mind.
 

Daisy

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Holy crap!!! 4 years?? OMG Jonsey will you please get yourself to a therapist who specializes in sexual issues. I'm not kidding. That is way too long for you to still be suffering with this. You deserve a normal sex life and you're apparently not going to get it on your own so go talk to somebody. If you can jack off just fine then yes, it's a mental block. I know this sounds incredibly obviously but did you ever get her off just before sex so that the only orgasm happening during sex was yours? You really should not have to go through so much trouble to orgasm, it should be natural. I think getting all of this out with a counselor would get you on the right track.
 

EnTaro

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I'm gonna go with mental block, especially if you get the whole "will I/won't I" thing as you're having sex. I had this issue for a few weeks with my girlfriend; not to relate, but I took a week off masturbation and we went out to dinner one night and she was stunning that night. The problem lost momentum at that moment and we haven't had an issue since.
 

phoenixdown117

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So wait. She stayed with you for four years while you worried about your performance and then she broke up with you because of your dick size? WTF? Was there any other reason?

You definitely shouldn't be getting headaches trying to orgasm from sex. After this many years, I would think seeing a sex therapist would be your best course of action.

Also, when you masturbate, do you use the same grip every time, or do you vary your technique? Using the same grip every time may cause your dick to only want to respond to that kind of stimulation, and it takes a bit of work to reprogram your dick to respond to other things. Sorry if this has been covered already.