BAD JOKES

[B_DoubleMeatWhopper]

Mrs. Murphy and Mrs. Cohen lived next door to each other for forty years. During that time they became good friends. After their husbands' deaths they found that their houses were really too big to live in alone, so they decided to sell the houses and move into retirement communities run by their respective religions.
After a couple of weeks Mrs. Murphy really missed Mrs. Cohen and asked permission to visit her old friend at the Jewish retirement complex. Permission ws granted and she found Mrs. Murphy waiting to greet her.
"How do you like it here?" asked Mrs. Murphy.
She replied, "Oh, it's lovely. The food is good, the health care specialists are very attentive, the leisure time activities are delightful, and best of all, I have a new boyfriend!"
Mrs. Murphy said, "How splendid! I'm so happy for you. What do the two of you do?"
Mrs. Cohen lowered her voice and confided, "Well, we go up to my room and close the door. I sit on the edge of the bed and I let him touch me 'up here' and I let him touch me down there; then we sing Jewish songs!"
Mrs. Murphy replied, "That's wonderful. You know, I found a new beau at the Catholic retirement home myself."
Mrs. Cohen asked, "What do the two of you do?"
Mrs. Murphy said, "We go up to my room and close the door. I sit on the edge of my bed, and I let him touch me 'up here' and then I let him touch me 'down there'."
Mrs. Cohen asked, "Then what?"
Mrs. Murphy said, "Well, we don't know any Jewish songs, so we fuck."

 

[Pecker]

A fellow is sitting by his car at the side of the road looking unhappy.

A passer-by sees his glum face and asks what the problem is.

"I've locked myself out of my car." replies the man.

"That's not a problem," replies the passer-by, "Step out of the way, and let me have a look."

The motorist is a bit perplexed, but reckons there's no harm in it letting the man try. So the passer-by turns around, and rubs his legs slowly up and down the driver"s door.

Suddenly, the lock opens.

"That's amazing!" says the motorist, "How did you do it?"

"That should be obvious," replies the pedestrian, "I'm wearing khaki trousers."

Pecker

 

[Pecker]

Dr. Watson arrives at 221-B Baker Street and is stunned to find his friend Sherlock Holmes out front in overalls, applying a pale yellow gloss to the front door.

"Holmes what is this?" cries the stupefied Watson.

"A lemon entry, my dear Watson."


Pecker

 

[Pecker]

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson were doing their usual investigative business one day, when they uncovered an amazing painting.

At first glance, it looked like a picture of normal oak tree in the middle of a wilderness, but if you looked closer, you could see that it was a very surreal painting: The tree's trunk was actually made of fire, and it's branches were made of ice, clouds and earth.

"What is the meaning of this?" asked Watson in awe.

"It's an element tree, my dear Watson," said Holmes.


Pecker

 

[jonb]

Why did the size queen go to the Chinese restaurant?

He wanted an order of Too Hung Gai.

 

[Pecker]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip.

After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Why, what does it tell YOU."

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "It tells me, Watson, you bloody fool, that someone has stolen our tent!"


Pecker

 

[13788]

Finedessert: A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets
horrible sunburn.

He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns. He was already starting to blister and in agony. The doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline and electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, rather astounded, said, "What good will Viagra do him?"
The doctor replied, "It'll keep the sheets off his legs."

Grandpa

 

[13788]

Finedessert: A guy is cleaning out the closet he shares with his lover and on the top shelf he notices a large box. He carefully takes the box down. He notices a sign on top of the box which reads: DO NOT OPEN!

Naturally he was curious so he opens the box and inside he sees $20,000 in cash and three dildos.

Later that evening his lover comes home, and he immediately confronts him about the contents of his box. The lover is upset, but he proceeds, "Why are there three dildos in the box?"

"Every time we had bad sex and I didn't get off, I took a dildo into the bathroom then put it in the box when I was finished" The lover replied.

"Hmm, three dildos, twenty years together, that's not bad," The guy thought. "What's the $20,000 for?," he asked.

"Every time I got a dozen dildos, I sold them."

Grandpa

 

[13788]

Finedessert: There were these three guys.

They all worked together at this gay owned factory.
Everyday they noticed that their boss would leave work a little early.

So one day they meet together and say that today when the boss leaves, they'll all leave early too.

The boss left and so did they.

The first guy goes home and goes to bed so he can get an early start the next day.

The second guy goes home and cooks his lover a fantastic dinner.

The third guy goes home and walks to his bedroom. He opens the door slowly and sees his boyfriend in bed with his boss so he shuts the door and leaves.

The next day the first and second guys are talking and plan to go home early again. They ask the third guy if he wants to leave early again and he says, "No."

They ask him why not and he said, "Because yesterday I almost got caught!"

Grandpa

 

[Pecker]

Once upon a time, there was a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow.

He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference.

After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datsun 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted '240-S'.

The dealer asks, "Why 'S'?"

The snail replies, "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving."

Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee.

So the snail got his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed.

And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they'd say...

"Wow! Look at that S-car go!"


Pecker

 

[jonb]

Speaking of bad jokes, someone gave me a crank call today. Looking for a Dick Smoker. So I said "I'll find Dick Smoker or my name isn't Mike Hunt."

 

[Pecker]

[quote author=jonb link=board=99;num=1044214025;start=192#193 date=05/12/03 at 16:25:20]"I'll find Dick Smoker or my name isn't Mike Hunt."[/quote]

Just don't look anywhere around Mike Rotch.


Pecker

 

[B_DoubleMeatWhopper]

Seymour Heinie?

 

[Pecker]

Whenever you see

Oliver Closoff

you always see

Hugh Jass.


Pecker

 

[13788]

xblokegb: A man was suffering with terrible flatulence one day.

Now he'd had bad wind before, but on this occassion all of his farts sounded like there were words being spoken too.

That morning he'd had to sneak out at least three and on each occassion he was sure he made out the make of a car.

The next time he farted he let rip to see if he could make the word a little louder.

'FORD' said the first quack.

"Christ Almighty" thought the man. He was kinda worried but also intrigued as to his rectal vocabulary.

The next rumbling marched along his bowel,

'SUZUKI'

'This is hilarious' he said out loud but he knew he couldn't allow this to happen at work so he thought he'd go to the Dr.


On arriving at the very last Dr. appointment at his GP surgery, it dawned on him he'd have to perform.

On describing his problem to his very doubting doctor he had to demonstrate.

"Listen to this Doc",

'ROLLS ROYCE'...........'MITSUBISHI'............'FIAT'

Wide eyed his GP turns to his books and after 5 minutes or so .......
"Here's the answer, you need to take a two shots of Absinthe a day, one in the morning and one in the evening"

"OK Doc, I'll give it a go"

So the man left and he followed his Doctors advice religiously for a week.
At the end of the week he'd noticed a change, every fart said 'Honda'.
"This can't be right, I'm gonna see that Doc again"

He had to wait a whole week to see his GP (its the NHS guys) and put up with the constant muffled blurtings of 'HONDA' every day all day at work.

At the appointment he explained the predicament.

"Oh, didn't I say? Absinthe makes the farts go Honda".

 

[jonb]

That should be "Abscess makes the fart blow Honda."

 

[Pecker]

Animal activist Bo Derek was horrified to learn that the Queen of England wears antique sable coats when officiating at certain Royal events.

She decided to confront the Queen over the issue, and arranged to post herself near the entrance Buckingham Palace.

Just as the Queen, in her Royal carriage, was about to enter the gates, Bo ran up to Her Majesty and demanded to know why she wore dead animals.

Queen Elizabeth looked coldly out the carriage's window and responded haughtily...

"Some wear old fur to reign, Bo."


Pecker

 

[13788]

Finedessert: The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking
about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.

The Martian responds, "Pretty much the way you do."

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.

Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.

"Why?" he asks. "What's the matter?"

"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"

"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.

With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it is still narrow."

"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fall into bed and make mad, passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful." "How about you?"

"It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

Grandpa

 

[Pecker]

The manager of the Opera House couldn't find the key to let the diva in so she broke in to a song.


Pecker

 

[13788]

Finedessert: Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial.

The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"

The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

Grandpa