BAD JOKES

[13788]

Finedessert: An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking.

The bartender finally says that the bar is closed.

So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face.

So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face.

He crawls through the door and up the stairs.

When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"How did you know?" he asks.

"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

Grandpa

 

[Pecker]

There were two ships crossing the Pacific.  

One was carrying blue paint from Singapore to Los Angeles.

The other was carrying red dyes from America to Taiwan.  

Somewhere in the middle of the ocean, the two ships
met abruptly.  

The ships were lost to the sea and the crews of both
are believed to have been marooned.


Pecker

 

[13788]

Finedessert: A young woman had just purchased her dream car, a new BMW convertible, and was having trouble tuning her radio to a station she wanted.

She returned to the BMW dealership and confronted the salesman, complaining about the radio.

"Miss," the salesperson said, "this is a very sophisticated radio. There is no requirement to use the buttons or dials. You merely give voice commands to whatever type of program you desire."

So after she received her instructions, she headed out on the highway.

"Country Music," she said, and instantly Garth Brooks was singing away on a country station. After a while she said, "Oldies," and instantly she heard Fats Domino singing "Blueberry Hill."

A few minutes later, a woman in a new Cadillac cut her off in traffic.

"Stupid, inconsiderate bitch!" she yelled.

The radio paused for a second, and then she heard, "Hello again and welcome back to the program. This is Dr. Laura."

Grandpa

             

 

[Pecker]

A very nervous man became an investments broker.

Whenever there was bad news about a company he held shares in, his nervousness would make is feet begin to sweat profusely.

He should have expected it, though - everybody knows bad news makes your socks stink.

Pecker

 

[13788]

Finedessert: A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute..."

"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
-------------------------------------------------
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

"How was he killed?" asked one detective.

"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.

"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"

"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
------------------------------------------------
The investigation of Martha Stewart continues. Her recipe for chicken casserole is quite efficient. First you boil the chicken in water. And then you dump the stock.
------------------------------------------------
This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen.

Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?"

The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."
------------------------------------------------
Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."
-------------------------------------------------
A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.

"I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.

"What did he say," asked the nurse.

"OOPS!"
--------------------------------------------------
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"

"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in
one."

Grandpa

 

[13788]

Finedessert: An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application. Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough. He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof. He goes home to his wife, show's her the check, and explains to her what has happened. She replies, "Well get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can get Disability!"

Grandpa

 

[13788]

tott666: A humble crab fell into love with the Lobster Princess and she with him.  
 
They enjoyed an idyllic relationship but one day Lobster Princess came to Crab in floods of tears saying that King Lobster would not let her see Crab anymore.
 
"But why?" gasped the humble crab.
 
"Daddy says that crabs are too common," sobbed the princess. "You're a lower class of crustacean, and anyway, you walk sideways."
 
The humble Crab was shattered and scuttled away to drink himself into forgetfulness.
 
That night was the occasion of the great Lobster Ball. Lobsters came from far and near for feasting and merrymaking.  
 
The Lobster Princess sat by her father's side, inconsolable.
 
Suddenly, the doors flew open.  It was the humble crab!
 
Slowly, painstakingly, he made his way to the throne - walking straight, one claw after another. Step by painful step he approached until he looked the Lobster King in the right in the eye. Crustacean to crustacean.
 
There was a deadly hush.
 
Finally the drunken Crab says, "Man, I'm fucked up!"

 

[Pecker]

After leaving on a fishing trip, the old man had been gone without a trace for almost a week.

His wife, beginning to miss him more and more, became sad that she hadn't treated him better in their 48 years of marriage. She had to admit to herself that she'd been a bitchy grump.

She decided that he was the most important thing in her life and she would give anything to have him back, safe and sound.

Just as she was about to call the media to ask for their help in publicizing the local search efforts, who should come into the kitchen, slamming the screen door behind him, but her loving husband.

"Honey, I'm home!" he shouted, holding up a string of handsome large-mouthed bass.

"You let 3 flies in, you fucking idiot!", she replied. lovingly.


Pecker

 

[13788]

Finedessert: John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how handsome John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of John's sexuality and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two men interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, John said, I know what you're thinking Mom, but I can assure you that Mike and I are just roommates. John then pointed to the bedroom they used for guests and said, As you can see, Mike even has his own bedroom.

Several days after his mother left, Mike said Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find that beautiful silver ladle we picked up in Florence last summer. You don't suppose she took it, do you?

John said, I doubt it, but I'll write and ask her.

He sat down and wrote Dear Mom: I'm not saying you did take a silver ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you did not take the ladle, but the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Several days later, John received a reply from his mother. Dear Son: I'm not saying you do sleep with Mike, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep
with Mike. But the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, you would have found the silver ladle by now. Love, Mom.

Grandpa

 

[Pecker]

A male fly is buzzing around, cruising for good-looking females.

He spots a real cutie sitting on a pile of cow manure and dives down toward her.

"Pardon me" he asks, turning on his best charm, "but is this stool taken?"


Pecker

 

[13788]

Finedessert: A six-year-old walks into the kitchen where his mom is preparing a meal and Says: "Mom, the last few nights I have woke up to this thumping noise coming out of your bedroom and when I look to see what it is, you're sitting on top of dad and bouncing up and down. Why are you doing that?"

The startled mother recovers quickly and says, "Your dad is a little overweight and I'm trying to get him back to normal size. I bounce on him to get all the air out of him".

The little kid just shakes his head and says, "Mom, you're wasting your time."

The mother says, "Why is that, dear?"

The kid says, "Because, once a week, that nice-looking lady next door comes over and blows him back up.

Grandpa

 

[13788]

Ramjet: What does a girl from Alabama say when she gets through with sex?

Get off me Daddy, you're crushing my Marlboros
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Why can't girls from Alabama be Cheerleaders?

Because every time they do a split, they stick to the floor.

 

[Pecker]

The tribal chief had 3 wives who were always quarreling about who should be number one.

One was pretty, one was clever and one was very strong.

Finally, tired of their squabbles he told his medicine man to resolve the issue.

The medicine man took the wives to his teepee where he had gathered pelts and hides from all over.  He told each wife to choose a hide and sit on it in front of the sacred campfire.

The clever wife chose a pelt of thick white fur, the strong wife chose a hide of orange and black stripes and the pretty wife chose a hide of rubbery grey leather.  

The medicine man then pointed to the pretty wife and said, "Behold chief, your number one wife."

The chief was pleased, but the other two wives demanded an explanation.

The medicine man stood proudly over the campfire and said, "Even the ancient ones knew that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides."


Pecker

 

[13788]

Finedessert: When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, "I'm putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."

In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked inside the box.

On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, however, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed.

Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box. That evening, she and Bill went out for a special anniversary dinner.

After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked inside the box under our bed. But today, the temptation was too much and I gave in.

Now I need to know why you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?"

Bill thought for a moment, then said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself never to do it again."

At first, Hillary was shocked, but then she thought to herself, "Hmmm.
That means Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I'm saddened by that, but
since he's addicted to sex, I guess it happens. Besides, 3 times in 30
years isn't all that bad considering his problem."

"Okay", said Hillary, "I can live with that."

Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later Hillary asked, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"

"Well", Bill replied, "whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and
step in the showers before they realize there is no soap.

Father John  says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.

He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the  
showers. He is half way down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his
way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like
he's a statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how life like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he  drops a bar of soap. "Oh look,"says the first nun..."It's a soap dispenser."

To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood ... sure enough he drops the other bar of soap.

The third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives one last,  despairing tug, then yells....

"Holy Mary, Mother of God - Hand Lotion!"

Grandpa

 

[D_Martin van Burden]

Some of the subject lines creeping out my spam Inbox have been hilarous too:
Riip Her Insides with Your Monster Cock
Huge, enormous, gigantic
Liittle Bitches Scream
Are You a Minute Man?
Ride Your Big Johnson

And my favorite...
Knock Down Walls with Your Huge Cock!

That depends... can I be my own contractor or will I have to pay my apartment complex for the damages? I couldn't control it! It's my monster cock, after all, not me.

 

[Pecker]

[quote author=DeeBlackthorne link=board=99;num=1044214025;start=200#217 date=06/01/03 at 23:49:06]And my favorite...
 Knock Down Walls with Your Huge Cock!

That depends... can I be my own contractor or will I have to pay my apartment complex for the damages?  I couldn't control it!  It's my monster cock, after all, not me.[/quote]

LOL, Dee! Surely, when we arise in the mornings with a raging woody, we have to bend way over to reach the doorknob or we'll poke an enormous hole in the bedroom door!

Pecker

 

[Pecker]

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot.

One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 6-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the construction crew - gems in the rough all of them - more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar.

The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take she dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story, and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such
a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I've been working with a crew building a house all week".

"My goodness gracious", said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week too"?

"I will if those useless cocksuckers at the lumber yard ever bring us the fucking lumber!" replied the little girl.

Pecker

 

[13788]

Finedessert: Garden Snakes are DANGEROUS!
Author Unknown

Green garden grass snakes can be dangerous.

Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants, and during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream.

The husband, who was taking a shower, ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was.

She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold nosed him on the rear. He thought the snake had bitten him and he fainted.

His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.

About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and one of the Emergency Medical Technicians saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man.

He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushion where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor man, seeing her laying there passed out tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband on the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

An ambulance was again called when it was determined that the injury required hospitalization.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the two women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.

The ambulance arrived and took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife. Just then the little snake crawled out from under the couch. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table that was on one side of the sofa. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog, who startled, jumped up and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car and set it on fire.

Meanwhile, the burning drapes had spread to the walls and the entire house was blazing.

Neighbors had called the fire department and the arriving fire truck had started raising his ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and pulled out the electricity and disconnected telephones in a ten-square city block area.

Time passed...

Both men were discharged from the hospital. The house was rebuilt. The police acquired a new car, and all was right with the world.

About a year later the original couple were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

She shot him...

Submitted by Grandpa

 

[13788]

Finedessert: Garden Snakes are DANGEROUS!
Author Unknown

Green garden grass snakes can be dangerous.


Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants, and during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream.

The husband, who was taking a shower, ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was.

She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold nosed him on the rear. He thought the snake had bitten him and he fainted.

His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.

About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and one of the Emergency Medical Technicians saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man.

He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushion where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor man, seeing her laying there passed out tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband on the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

An ambulance was again called when it was determined that the injury required hospitalization.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the two women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.

The ambulance arrived and took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife. Just then the little snake crawled out from under the couch. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table that was on one side of the sofa. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog, who startled, jumped up and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car and set it on fire.

Meanwhile, the burning drapes had spread to the walls and the entire house was blazing.

Neighbors had called the fire department and the arriving fire truck had started raising his ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and pulled out the electricity and disconnected telephones in a ten-square city block area.

Time passed...

Both men were discharged from the hospital. The house was rebuilt. The police acquired a new car, and all was right with the world.

About a year later the original couple were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

She shot him..


Grandpa

 

[jonb]

[quote author=DeeBlackthorne link=board=99;num=1044214025;start=200#217 date=06/01/03 at 23:49:06]Some of the subject lines creeping out my spam Inbox have been hilarous too:
 Riip Her Insides with Your Monster Cock[/quote]
I'd rather not. I like her insides intact, thank you.

[quote author=DeeBlackthorne link=board=99;num=1044214025;start=200#217 date=06/01/03 at 23:49:06]  Huge, enormous, gigantic[/quote]Was that a spam for a thesaurus?

[quote author=DeeBlackthorne link=board=99;num=1044214025;start=200#217 date=06/01/03 at 23:49:06]  Liittle Bitches Scream[/quote]
Yes, that happens when you hit a chihuahua in the head with a blunt object.

[quote author=DeeBlackthorne link=board=99;num=1044214025;start=200#217 date=06/01/03 at 23:49:06]  Are You a Minute Man?[/quote]
The British are coming!

[quote author=DeeBlackthorne link=board=99;num=1044214025;start=200#217 date=06/01/03 at 23:49:06]  Ride Your Big Johnson[/quote]
My friend has a 16-hand stallion; should I buy him and call him Johnson?

[quote author=DeeBlackthorne link=board=99;num=1044214025;start=200#217 date=06/01/03 at 23:49:06]And my favorite...
 Knock Down Walls with Your Huge Cock!

That depends... can I be my own contractor or will I have to pay my apartment complex for the damages?  I couldn't control it!  It's my monster cock, after all, not me.[/quote]