Cheating

[madame_zora]

EB, going through what you are, I am sure you are well aware of how many spouses leave ther partners over such an illness. So does your wife, she's not an idiot. This was something I learned about more recently when I was reading a site that supports partners of very ill people and it astounded and dumbfounded me that people would do such a thing as leave someone helpless, but it seems it is not so rare.

You are not that kind of person, you are one who is staying. Congratulate yourself for that, for keeping your love for your wife foremost in your mind as you help see to her well-being. Your job doesn't quit during restricted hours and there is no way you could NOT be feeing under pressure. How could anyone judge you who hasn't walked in your shoes? I could not, in fact I am relieved to hear that you've found some way- ANY way to maintain a small portion of selfhood during a most difficult experience.

What will be will be, you have no idea about the outcome of your situation. What you do know is that if you, the caregiver, give out, there will be greater consequences than if you are technically unfaithful. I would imagine your wife would rather have you getting some sexual satisfaction on the side but staying with her, than have you collapsing from a nervous breakdown and not being able to help her at all. I wouldn't say a word, you both have plenty on your plate.

 

[viking]

Thanks Kink & M.Z.

I didn't really mean to derail the topic.

The idea is that everyone's situation is different and sometimes it's hard to remember that.
Hard a fast "RULES" for one person may not apply to others.

My therapist calls it "Sex outside of the relationship."

For me it seems a less judgemental way of discussing the issues involved, no matter what they are. "Cheating" in my opinion, denotes malice.
ie. {Describes a wrongful act done intentionally without excuse.}

I have a feeling that most people who have sex outside of the relationship are not being malicious. I personally think that it has to do with their own internal feelings. Whether or not that is fair for the relationship or the other people involved is an individual matter.

In any case, I think that it probably indicates a problem within the relationship.
What is that problem?

Lonliness?
Complacency?
Anger?
Resentment?
Stress?
Boredom?

And where do the problems arise?

Money issues?
Illness?
Incompatibility?
Selfishness?

Obviously we all have our problems.
Who knows what they are except for the person / people involved.


And then there are those who invite multiple sexual partners.
I don't think this discussion is about that.

Viking

 

[KinkGuy]

Viking,

Please, no apologies. Your post was one of truth, honesty and was completely real. You derailed nothing.

The Viking has displayed honor and courage and honesty beyond many peoples comprehension.

For that, I bow and honor you.

 

[madame_zora]

I agree with Kink, you derailed nothing! You added heartfelt and poigniant illumination to a topic that we were too eager to close the case on.

I like being reminded that people's lives are as individual as the persons in them. I am not in a position to judge anyone, I have a full-time job minding my own business and I'm not even very good at THAT. Thank you, a thousand times, for reminding me how important it is to look at people as just that. People.

 

[Alley Blue]

Originally posted by madame_zora@Sep 21 2005, 09:29 AM
You added heartfelt and poigniant illumination to the topic.....

Those words could not be truer EB......

 

[Geekyraccoon]

Originally posted by Alley Blue+Sep 21 2005, 10:09 AM--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Alley Blue &#064; Sep 21 2005, 10:09 AM)</div><div class='quotemain'><!--QuoteBegin-madame_zora@Sep 21 2005, 09:29 AM
You added heartfelt and poigniant illumination to the topic.....

Those words could not be truer EB......

[post=345330]Quoted post[/post]​

[/b][/quote]

It&#39;s very easy for people to make blanket statements about certain activities, without considering the contexts in which they occur. I&#39;m fairly certain that anyone talking about how horrible cheating is probably weren&#39;t even considering anything like your situation, EBV. That sounds really tough for you, and it&#39;s something where there are no set rules. You sound like you&#39;re trying to be the best partner you can, while still supporting your own needs. It&#39;s not an ideal situation, but things rarely are.

 

[BetterThanAverage]

EB, my heart goes out to you. Your post took me back to 1995, when I was caring for my SO who was dying of AIDS. I won&#39;t say that I know how you feel (nothing pissed me off as much as people telling me they knew how I felt), but I do know some of what you&#39;re going through. My partner encouraged me to see other people. He, too, feared that I would leave him, and told me so. It broke my heart that he would think that. While I can&#39;t believe that anyone could leave someone they love in such a position, as Madame Zora has pointed out, it is all too common. I join KinkGuy in his praise of your character. It takes guts to do what you&#39;re doing.

As to the "sex outside the relationship" issue, more power to you. Whatever helps you get through the day, I say. I agree with Madame Zora that you getting your dick sucked is much less hurtful to the situation than you losing it. Did I "cheat" when our sex life dissappeared? Yes. I wasn&#39;t proud of it, and I didn&#39;t tell him, even though he encouraged it. I didn&#39;t think he needed to hear it. I also don&#39;t think it was "wrong" in light of the situation. But that&#39;s how I&#39;ve decided to look at it. Others may judge differently, but that really doesn&#39;t matter to me. I&#39;m the one who lives with it, and I&#39;ve decided that I can. I hope you decide the same.

I wish you strength. I know how exhausting being a caregiver can be, and I hope that you have some people you can truly rely on to be there for you. Just for you. In whatever form that takes.

 

[MsLulu]

-- a strong emotional bond with another person
(No)

-- having intercourse with another person
(Yes)

-- having any kind of sexual activity which involves an orgasm
(Yes)

-- having sex without an orgasm
(Yes)

-- phone or cyber sex
(Yes)

-- cruising around LPSG
(No, if you're just posting and not trying to IM people for cyber sex)

-- looking at someone else lustfully
(No - though I'd never do this in the presence of my sig-o. I find this kind of bunk rude as hell.)

-- masturbating without your partner
(No)

 

[B_caneadea]

I have always HATED the use of the word "cheating" because it is so often defined as sex outside your relationship.
If I were to list the aspects of my relationship in order of importance, sex would be far down the list.

I have always been up front with my partner and insisted on an open relationship.
While I can have sex with countless other people or have it all by myself, it would be damned difficult for me to find one other person with the wonderful qualities that my partner brings to our relationship.

My feeling is that "if you can find somebody better than me, GO AHEAD". But, I'm not looking. I know that I've already won first prize.

I will not tolerate jealousy. It is a sickness that sucks the life out of a relationship.

So. "Cheating", for me, would be alienation of affection. How's that?

 

[B_Danceswithlamps]

Hmm. I agree. You told the truth and thats what counts, Viking!

As for cheating, its a hard word, but I would be very upset if someone cheated on me. Caneadea, I think its great with the openness you have with your partner! But for me, I let very few people into my inner circle (that is not a sexual reference). Not many people get very close to me, because I choose my friends carefully. As a result, my friends aren't jerks, and I can spill out my soul to them. Thus, if someone, especially a girlfriend, were to cheat on me to another person, I would feel violated, that they would break my trust for a bit of sexual pleasure. I'm just sensitive in that area...

 

[MsLulu]

If an open relationship works for ya, all the power to you. I could never do it. Love goes deeper for me and sharing your body with someone else is something that would make me feel incredibly low. I have been cheated on in the past and let me tell you, it's one of the worst feelings anyone in the world could ever imagine.

If I met the man of my dreams and he said "ok, I need an open relationship or it's no go."

Then, honestly, he's not the man of my dreams.

 

[B_caneadea]

MsLulu,
We obviously have different priorities in a relationship. I say, "good for you" for holding out for the partner who meets your needs in a relationship. There are certainly plenty of people who would agree with you.

 

[Third Leg]

Hello All,

My first post here...

I would define cheating as.....

1. Sex of any kind with someone other than your partner. This would include the touching of ANY of your body parts to anyone else's body parts for the purpose of sexual gratification, whether you get or give that gratification or not. Even attempting and failing to get the gratification counts.

2. Bonding emotionally with someone other than your partner. This one MUST be mutual. It's not enough to call it cheating if you are "in love" with someone who doesn't reciprocate because it isn't love at that point. It's something else.

3. Masturbation with someone other than your partner, whether they touch you or not.

I would add that all other forms of masturbation, whether with your partner or alone are OK. It doesn't matter if you use porn, toys or anything else to help you along, either. You are not involving anyone outside your relationship, so it's OK and not considered cheating. Fantasies are just that... fantasies. And, your partner should NOT feel threatened by them. For example, if you are masturbating while watching a porn DVD, it is OK because you are the only person involved. The actors and actresses on the screen do not even know you exist. Many women are freaked out by this and I don't think they should be. Just my opinions, of course. But I think if someone plays by these rules, then they're OK as far as not crossing the line on cheating.