It depends on how you define excessive.
On my nights out drinking or socializing I encounter some men who are non-stop obsessed with getting sex and was wondering if their promiscuity is a sign that something is not right in their lives. That depends, if they are college age I would say thats pretty normal behavior for both gay and straight men. That sex has become an addiction. That they have sex not just because they are horny but because it fills some psychological hole in their lives and that it is an indication of other mental problems they are experiencing. That's a definite possibility for some people. But so what, you can't change/fix them.
I think many on this site have some "addiction" to sex. When does it cross the line to being unhealthy, and if you are promiscuous can you ever change?[/quote]
Of course you can change! Many people are promiscuous in their youth but grow out of it as they age and mature. Some people just have a naturally high sex drive and require more sex, more often than their peers.
The primary way to identify any addictive behavior is to consider whether it is causing negative or unwelcome problems and yet you return to it anyway. If your sexual behaviors have caused consequences to your legal status, relationships, career, health (emotional or physical), yet you continue to engage in those sexual behaviors anyway then there is likely a problem. You know that you are a sex addict if your sexual behaviors take up more time, energy and focus than you would like or if they cause you to act in ways that go against your underlying values and beliefs. Men and women who are sexual addicts will frequently say to themselves, "This is the last time that I am going to..." yet they will find themselves ultimately feeling driven to return to the same sexual situations, despite previous commitments to change.
Sexual addicts are most often unable to make and keep commitments to themselves and others about stopping or changing particular sexual behaviors over the long term and most have problems with real intimacy. They will describe having feelings of overwhelming intensity while approaching the possibility of engaging in their particular sexual behavior and describe this intensity state as "being in the bubble" or "like being in a trance." This intensity/arousal state is typical and helps sexual addicts block out the potential consequences of what they are about to do. Typical sexual addict behaviors include: compulsive use of the Internet, phone lines or personals ads for sex, consistent use of prostitutes, sexual massage or escorts, multiple affairs, frequent sex outside of primary relationships, anonymous sex and compulsive masturbation.
Q: If I turn out to be a sex addict, why can't I just take prescription medications to reduce my sex drive?
Certain anti-depressant and hormonal drugs do reduce sexual drive, but medications alone cannot solve the problems underlying sexual addiction. It can be helpful to some people to consider medication as an option (through a consultation with a Psychiatrist familiar with addictive disorders) but rarely do those medications eradicate or evolve long-term changes to compulsive sexual behaviors. For sexual addicts, long term, addiction-based counseling, 12 step support group attendance and a commitment to making adjustments in life circumstances are the best start toward creating long term change. Sexual addiction is not just a problem of being too horny or wanting sex too often. Sexual addiction is a disorder where a person uses cruising, flirting, fantasy, intrigue and sex itself as a way of managing and tolerating feelings and underlying emotional conflicts. Sex addicts seek sexual highs to substitute for the support and intimacy they really need but do not allow themselves. Even though they may be surrounded by friends, family or supportive spouses; sex addicts will turn to the isolating intensity of their sexual behaviors or comfort rather than using the real human support that they have available. Sexual addiction is more than a physical problem that can be solved by taking a pill; it involves complex and often confusing emotional concerns.
Q: Can masturbation and pornography be a part of sex addiction?
Compulsive masturbation with or without the use of pornography and the compulsive viewing of porn with or without masturbation both present longstanding problems for many sex addicts. Whether it is through cybersex, phone sex lines, videos, and porn magazines or simply through fantasy; sexual addicts can lose hours daily to the isolating activities of fantasy and masturbation. Sexual addiction is not necessarily defined by having sex with another partner, some sexual addicts are too afraid of getting caught, getting a disease or being rejected to seek out partners for their acting-out. Instead, those involved in compulsive masturbation or compulsive viewing of pornography may lead lonely, disconnected lives, never really understanding what it is that keeps them from real intimacy and connection with those around them. Many sexual addicts who utilize compulsive masturbation as their primary way of sexual acting-out are in complete denial that their patterns of sexual release are any different than most people. Caught in compulsive patterns -- often begun in childhood or adolescence -- the sex addict who is masturbating compulsively may masturbate every night to get to sleep or every morning in the shower. Thus these behaviors become as much a part of their daily routine as eating or sleep.
Q: If Alcoholics and drug addicts define "being sober" by not drinking or using mind altering chemicals, how does a sexual addict define sobriety without having to abstain from sex altogether?
Unlike sobriety from the use of substances, sexual sobriety is not usually defined as abstinence from sex, although some recovering persons may take a short period of celibacy to help gain personal perspective or address a particular issue. Sexual sobriety is most often defined through the use of a "sex plan" or "contract" between the sexual addict and their 12-Step recovery support sponsor, therapist or clergy. These plans are ideally written down, and involve clearly defined, concrete behaviors from which the addict has committed to abstain in order to define sobriety. Some relationship or sexual recovery plans have very strictly defined boundaries, No sexual activity of any kind outside of a committed marital relationship could be one such defined boundary, No sex before being in a committed relationship, another. Sobriety is defined as abstinence from the sexual activities which cause the addict to feel shameful, hold secrets or which are illegal or abusive. Personal definitions may change over time as the recovering person evolves in their understanding of the disease. One recovering mans' early contract started out as, "I am sober as long as I do not have sex in a public place, use pornography, see prostitutes or old girlfriends (whom I am just seeing for the sexual contact)." This same man's "sex plan" evolved over the period of a few months to be all of the above plus... "I am sober as long as I do not engage in flirtation, intrigue or sexual seduction with strangers or have sexual or romantic liaisons with anyone I have dated for at least 90 days prior to sex." Sexual contracts such as these are always created in discussion with at least one other recovering person, therapist or clergy, and are not changed without the prior agreement of those trusted people.
