Excessive Promiscuity

[snoozan]

like anything else, it only becomes a problem if it is a problem, you know? if somehow having too much sex, thinking about sex all the time, and/or masturbating are interfering with your life in such a way as to hinder some part of your life otherwise, then it's excessive. every person is different and everyone goes through phases in their lives where they are more sexual than other times. it's all about knowing your own motivations and boundaries.

As some greek dude said that may or may not have been Socrates, "Gnothi Seauton."

 

[Osiris]

If a guy's going to fuck a million people he's not going to have time to unwrap and put new condoms on every time, he's going to have to have an everlasting one with a drainage system

Now this is sounding like something the Mythbusters guys would make. :biggrin1:

 

[dcwrestlefan]

just for clarification, i do not judge anyone who wants to just have sex when they are in love. but on the flip side, don't judge others that think different.

sex while in love is awesome. but it can also be fun with the right person for recreational purposes.

 

[Bbucko]

just for clarification, i do not judge anyone who wants to just have sex when they are in love. but on the flip side, don't judge others that think different.

sex while in love is awesome. but it can also be fun with the right person for recreational purposes.

It's even more fun with a party full of people.:biggrin1:

 

[Bbucko]

like anything else, it only becomes a problem if it is a problem, you know? if somehow having too much sex, thinking about sex all the time, and/or masturbating are interfering with your life in such a way as to hinder some part of your life otherwise, then it's excessive. every person is different and everyone goes through phases in their lives where they are more sexual than other times. it's all about knowing your own motivations and boundaries.

As some greek dude said that may or may not have been Socrates, "Gnothi Seauton."

Snoozie found the magic word, I think. If you have a problem fixing boundaries, then your whole life's gonna be one big mess and indiscriminate sex is not the biggest problem.

What I found so distasteful about the OP was the vocabulary used. Both "excessive" and "promiscuity" are heavily freighted words with pointedly pejorative meanings. They are also totally subjective.

 

[Bbucko]

I think too many partners is when people are just fucking people for the sake of fucking - when they have no attraction or spark with that person. Fuck a million people as far as I'm concerned but each of those million times the sex should have a personal connection of some sort.

Oh, if you're going to fuck a million people you should definitely use a condom

The "spark" theory is good, but even I can't imagine fucking a stranger without some sort of element of attraction, even if it's just idle curiosity. That would be like eating when you're sick...

 

[SpoiledPrincess]

I've known people who have, my best friend slept with a ridiculous amount of people, sometimes with as little reason as 'he bought me a drink,' fortunately this was in the 70's and she got married in 1979 taking her off the market otherwise she'd undoubtedly have caught something and spread it around half of our town.

 

[simcha]

As a recovering sexual compulsive I can offer this list of characteristics that seem to describe most of us who share this condition:

The Fourteen Characteristics

These are the characteristics most of us seem to have in common:​

1. As adolescents, we used fantasy and compulsive masturbation to avoid feelings, and continued this tendency into our adult lives with compulsive sex.
2. Compulsive sex became a drug, which we used to escape from feelings such as anxiety, loneliness, anger and self-hatred, as well as joy.
3. We tended to become immobilized by romantic obsessions. We became addicted to the search for sex and love; as a result, we neglected our lives.
4. We sought oblivion in fantasy and masturbation, and lost ourselves in compulsive sex. Sex became a reward, punishment, distraction and time-killer.
5. Because of our low self-esteem, we used sex to feel validated and complete.
6. We tried to bring intensity and excitement into our lives through sex, but felt ourselves growing steadily emptier.
7. Sex was compartmentalized instead of integrated into our lives as a healthy element.
8. We became addicted to people, and were unable to distinguish among sex, love and affection.
9. We searched for some "magical" quality in others to make us feel complete. Other people were idealized and endowed with a powerful symbolism, which often disappeared after we had sex with them.
10. We were drawn to people who were not available to us, or who would reject or abuse us.
11. We feared relationships, but continually searched for them. In a relationship, we feared abandonment and rejection, but out of one, we felt empty and incomplete.
12. While constantly seeking intimacy with another person, we found that the desperate quality of our need made true intimacy with anyone impossible, and we often developed unhealthy dependency relationships that eventually became unbearable.
13. Even when we got the love of another person, it never seemed enough, and we were unable to stop lusting after others.
14. Trying to conceal our dependency demands, we grew more isolated from ourselves, from God, and from the very people we longed to be close to.

 

[simcha]

And here are twenty questions you can answer to assess yourself to see if you might be sexually compulsive:

The Twenty Questions

1. Do you frequently experience remorse, depression, or guilt about your sexual activity?
2. Do you feel your sexual drive and activity is getting out of control? Have you repeatedly tried to stop or reduce certain sexual behaviors, but inevitably you could not?
3. Are you unable to resist sexual advances, or turn down sexual propositions when offered?
4. Do you use sex to escape from uncomfortable feelings such as anxiety, fear, anger, resentment, guilt, etc. which seem to disappear when the sexual obsession starts?
5. Do you spend excessive time obsessing about sex or engaged in sexual activity?
6. Have you neglected your family, friends, spouse or relationship because of the time you spend in sexual activity?
7. Do your sexual pursuits interfere with your work or professional development?
8. Is your sexual life secretive, a source of shame, and not in keeping with your values? Do you lie to others to cover up your sexual activity?
9. Are you afraid of sex? Do you avoid romantic and sexual relationships with others and restrict your sexual activity to fantasy, masturbation, and solitary or anonymous activity?
10. Are you increasingly unable to perform sexually without other stimuli such as pornography, videos, "poppers," drugs/alcohol, "toys," etc.?
11. Do you have to resort increasingly to abusive, humiliating, or painful sexual fantasies or behaviors to get sexually aroused?
12. Has your sexual activity prevented you from developing a close, loving relationship with a partner? Or, have you developed a pattern of intense romantic or sexual relationships that never seem to last once the excitement wears off?
13. Do you only have anonymous sex or one-night stands? Do you usually want to get away from your sexual partner after the encounter?
14. Do you have sex with people with whom you normally would not associate?
15. Do you frequent clubs, bars, adult bookstores, restrooms, parks and other public places in search of sexual partners?
16. Have you ever been arrested or placed yourself in legal jeopardy for your sexual activity?
17. Have you ever risked your physical health with exposure to sexually transmitted diseases by engaging in "unsafe" sexual activity?
18. Has the money you spent on pornography, videos, phone sex, or hustlers/prostitutes strained your financial resources?
19. Have people you trust expressed concern about your sexual activity?
20. Does life seem meaningless and hopeless without a romantic or sexual relationship?

 

[SpoiledPrincess]

That pretty much covers my friend, plus she was physically abused by her father as a child.

 

[Bbucko]

At 21 this child has no business casting aspersions or making moral judgements on anyone.

Jesus, Mary and Joseph where the heck did you come up with that ridiculous number?!?! Are you sure you're an atheist and not a fundamentalist Christian?!?

Step aside Bbucko, apparently I am the Whore of Babylon as I have had two men in one night on more than one occassion. Only one was a threesome, and I was not dating either man, it was a one night stand. I'm actually kinda proud of myself for that one.

Groups of mixed strangers are usually the best scenes. There's no emotional baggage you get being the third wheel in a relationship, even if it's just for the evening.

From one Whore of Babylon to another, getting a hook-up to agree to a threesome with a third stranger is quite an accomplishment...you should be proud. I'm quite impressed.

 

[SyddyKitty]

Simcha, your characteristics list describes a friend of mine right on. The questionaire is interesting too, as I have to answer yes to 4 of those questions. That's only 1/5th but still quite a bit.

 

[simcha]

The "spark" theory is good, but even I can't imagine fucking a stranger without some sort of element of attraction, even if it's just idle curiosity. That would be like eating when you're sick...

Well Bbucko, I can say that I've had sex with thousands of strangers, most of whom I wasn't even attracted to. I did it because I felt empty inside and I felt that having sex filled me up. I sought validation in the sex act because, well, I would have the guy's full attention during the sex act. And as soon as it was over, I was on to the next guy. This was exhausting. My job suffered. All my friendships and relationships with family suffered because I lived a double life out of shame for what I was doing sexually.

I was in my twenties during the very active phase of my addiction to sex. And I can say with 100% certainty that my drive to have sex with 20 men in a weekend would have nothing to do with being horney or experimenting. It had to do with losing myself in sex. I wanted to escape my life and my depression. Sex made me numb enough to cope. The only emotion I ever felt was anger. Somehow anger wasn't numbed enough by my pursuit of sex.

I was so driven, I put myself in so many dangerous situations. I risked arrest, bodily harm, and even death. I had crabs only twice and warts in my mouth once. That's all I ever caught. I was very lucky.

I hated myself so much that I wanted to die in the slowest way possible. Thank goodness I found Sexual Compulsives Anonymous in Chicago. Sobriety as a sexual compulsive isn't anything like sobriety for an alcoholic or a drug addict. It's like being a food addict. In Overeaters Anonymous you build a new relationship to food, because we all have to eat.

Well, as a sex addict, and a human being, I'm a sexual being with a natural sexuality. I had to learn to explore my sexuality without the compulsion clouding who I really am sexually. It was about becoming intimate with myself before becoming intimate with others. I had to find my own answers within and develop a healthy relationship to my sexuality.

Therefore, abstinence for me is that I avoid engaging in behaviors and obsessive ways of thinking that are compulsive for me. Every sexual compulsive's sobriety is different because sexuality manifests itself in so many ways. As part of my sobriety I engage in sex out of who I really am sexually. I enjoy my sexuality as an integral part of who I am. It no longer rules me and it does not dictate my entire life.

Life as an active sexual compulsive/addict was hell. I have had over 10 years in recovery and I know I can never go back to the way I was. I have built too much self-esteem for that. And my life depends on some measure of sobriety due to the nature of my professional life, and my social life. I'm grateful that I found help.

 

[dcwrestlefan]

It's even more fun with a party full of people.:biggrin1:

have no probs with this. but have only done circle jerks and threesomes before.

serious people. i think it is more of a negative to be uptight about sex. but do what your mind and heart tell you to do, and don't judge others.

 

[simcha]

I want to be clear. I'm no prude. Believe me. I enjoy a healthy amount of sex these days. I do it out of my authentic self. And I don't have to be in a committed monogamous relationship to have fulfilling sex with someone. I have no judgments about what others do in their own pursuit of sex and their own authentic sexuality. Variety is the spice of life. Life would be quite boring, and so would sex, if we all did the same thing.

 

[Bbucko]

Well Bbucko, I can say that I've had sex with thousands of strangers, most of whom I wasn't even attracted to. I did it because I felt empty inside and I felt that having sex filled me up. I sought validation in the sex act because, well, I would have the guy's full attention during the sex act. And as soon as it was over, I was on to the next guy. This was exhausting. My job suffered. All my frienships and relationships with family suffered because I lived a double life out of shame for what I was doing sexually.

I was in my twenties during the very active phase of my addiction to sex. And I can say with 100% certainty that my drive to have sex with 20 men in a weekend would have nothing to do with being horney or experimenting. It had to do with losing myself in sex. I wanted to escape my life and my depression. Sex made me numb enough to cope. The only emotion I ever felt was anger. Somehow anger wasn't numbed enough by my pursuit of sex.

I was so driven, I put myself in so many dangerous situations. I risked arrest, bodily harm, and even death. I had crabs only twice and warts in my mouth once. That's all I ever caught. I was very lucky.

I hated myself so much that I wanted to die in the slowest way possible. Thank goodness I found Sexual Compulsives Anonymous in Chicago. Sobriety as a sexual compulsive isn't anything like sobriety for an alcoholic or a drug addict. It's like being a food addict. In Overeaters Anonymous you build a new relationship to food, because we all have to eat.

Well, as a sex addict, and a human being, I'm a sexual being with a natural sexuality. I had to learn to explore my sexuality without the compulsion clouding who I really am sexually. It was about becoming intimate with myself before becoming intimate with others. I had to find my own answers within and develop a healthy relationship to my sexuality.

Therefore, abstinence for me is that I avoid engaging in behaviors and obsessive ways of thinking that are compulsive for me. Every sexual compulsive's sobriety is different because sexuality manifests itself in so many ways. As part of my sobriety I engage in sex out of who I really am sexually. I enjoy my sexuality as an integral part of who I am. It no longer rules me and it does not dictate my entire life.

Life as an active sexual compulsive/addict was hell. I have had over 10 years in recovery and I know I can never go back to the way I was. I have built too much self-esteem for that. And my life depends on some measure of sobriety due to the nature of my professional life, and my social life. I'm grateful that I found help.

Sim-

No one's ever taken the time to explain how their sexual compulsiveness led them off the deep end. Thank you very much for taking the time and effort to clarify what has always confused me personally.

I don't think it's possible to grow up in any society and not be burdened with baggage associated with sex. I read your three posts on this subject and learned something new.

 

[Bbucko]

have no probs with this. but have only done circle jerks and threesomes before.

serious people. i think it is more of a negative to be uptight about sex. but do what your mind and heart tell you to do, and don't judge others.

No problem, DCWF. I always have a tendency to go extreme :tongue:

 

[simcha]

Sim-

No one's ever taken the time to explain how their sexual compulsiveness led them off the deep end. Thank you very much for taking the time and effort to clarify what has always confused me personally.

I don't think it's possible to grow up in any society and not be burdened with baggage associated with sex. I read your three posts on this subject and learned something new.

Thanks Bbucko.

This is such a controversial subject in society and in the mental health professions. All I can do is tell my story when others are willing to hear it. All I can do is show up for others who need to know they aren't alone in this, and that we aren't freaks.

 

[Bbucko]

Simcha, your characteristics list describes a friend of mine right on. The questionaire is interesting too, as I have to answer yes to 4 of those questions. That's only 1/5th but still quite a bit.

Syd-

I just reread your signature and have discovered that you are a virgin. There's nothing wrong with being a virgin, really, but it does impact your credibility in making pronouncements regarding the sexual activity of others.

It's kinda like a vegan giving cooking tips and recipe ideas on how to grill a steak or ribs. This is all out of your sphere of reference.

Just sayin'...

 

[SyddyKitty]

Syd-

I just reread your signature and have discovered that you are a virgin. There's nothing wrong with being a virgin, really, but it does impact your credibility in making pronouncements regarding the sexual activity of others.

It's kinda like a vegan giving cooking tips and recipe ideas on how to grill a steak or ribs. This is all out of your sphere of reference.

Just sayin'...

Yea, it's a point that's been raised before. I've grown up an observer of people and it has given me a slight interest is psychology (notably, sexual psych because it interests me most, for some reason. no, I haven't taken the classes yet, my art major takes up too many slots and is way expensive). Ultimately, growing up this way has led me to be quite judgemental of others, simply because I observe so many.

I don't seek to be credible at all, in anything I say, I just like having my opinions out there. I prefe rhaving people know exactly where I stand. Heck, I'd be fine being labelled a crackpot theorist, most of the time, with some of the things I've thought up and shared with people. If people believe in what I say, so be it. If people don't believe in what I say, so be it. Acceptance can't be expected or else you are left heart broken (and I speak from experience and observation).