Excessive Promiscuity

[earllogjam]

This is such a great question. I pulled my pics and rarely post here anymore for just that reason, I thought I was getting unbalanced. Sex is fun, lots of fun but I have lots of fun in other ways too. It appears that this site can be an obsession, an unhealthy obsession fo me anyways. Guys wanting to know the minutia of what turns women on, guys discussing thier bulges, bathroom sex, I think you can become dulled to what is actually the best part of sex, making someone you care about feel good. When on line people become the most important thing in your life, over and above real the flesh and blood folks around you, I get nervous.

And that leads into the OPs real question, can sex be an addiction? Absolutely. I would never want to just have sex for its sake anymore. I want my sex partner to be someone I care about. One night sport fucking a stranger just has no thrill for me. What a dead end. Making someone you care about feel good and affirmed thru sex is what I want and that can't be an addiction I believe.

I am sure I am in the minority but its how I feel.

I had some more revealing picts of myself here and was inundated with requests and propositions and was just turned off about just knowing people on a sexual level and little else, about snubbing people I didn't even or want to know. So I pulled them like you. I rarely look at the flesh pile anymore because I know it can become an unhealthy time suck of an obsession with me.

I can't lie - I do enjoy casual sex with people but I get much more out of it when I actually know the person as a person and not an sex object. I agree with you that sex with someone you love is vastly more satisfying than recreational promiscuous sex.

I think about sex a lot, but I think that's normal: it just means that I'm healthy and that the fire is still there. All of us (men and women) think about it. It's what brought us into this world, isn't it?

I believe that it becomes a problem when a person thinks about sex 24 hours a day and 7 days a week.

Why are people obsessed with sex or addicted to it? I'm not a psychologist, but I'm of the opinion that those people are either lonely (they're looking for intimacy) or they have a low self-esteem and look to sex as a way of asserting themselves.

Uh huh. One's libido is different for each of us and is healthy urge. But there have been times in my life often during very promicuous times that I have sought out sex not because I have been horny but to fill the need for intimacy, acceptance and love. It usually is an unhappy time for me.

The OP is pretty loaded with excessive moralism, if you ask me.

At what point does a healthy libido cross over into "promiscuity"? If you have had fifty sexual partners in your life does that warrant using a label like "promiscuous"? Are there differing standards for men and women?

Bbucko, I've had my periods of promiscuity so I can't say I'm seeing this from a point of view of being excessivly moral. There is a different standard for men and women on this because for most women sex and love are one in the same and for men, especially gay men, they can be completely different. There is also a general societal ideal that women should be chaste.

IMHO, a healthy libido crosses over into unhealthy promiscuity whey you find you seek sex even though you are not horny, when sex becomes a serrogate for love and connection with people, when you start relating and viewing people not as people but as sex objects.

Is there such a thing (as the thread title suggests) as "occasional" promiscuity, or a balance of promiscuity? When does it become "excessive"?

I have had periods of promiscuity and they have come in waves and always coincided with unhappy times in my life. That is partly why I asked this question in the thread.

It becomes excessive when you no longer find pleasure or enjoyment anymore with each additional sex parnter but still seek them out.

Who gets to decide when the label becomes appropriate?

You do.

The problem with these words is that they are highly subjective and relativistic. I've had five sex partners in the last eight weeks, which for me is excessively moderate. But I was in a relationship from 1995-2004 where I never sought sex outside of our commitment. The very rare threesomes that we had were all conceived and initiated by my then-partner.

I've had many times in my life where mood or health precluded any sexual activity whatsoever, others where I masturbated several times a day. There have been times when I sought sex everyday, others when I was too focused on other things to consider it.

I've had similar sexual experiences and periods as you. I think everybody's libido waxes and wanes but I'm not sure anybody can control it. As far as being promiscous - when I catch myself just having unfulfilling casual sex just out of bordom or for something other than the need to get off, I now ease off, take a break.

 

[earllogjam]

Anyway, I think the types that are constantly seeking sex, without seeking a relationship, are consumed by a myriad of issues (but WHO isn't? seriously).
The isssues I see in them:

The need for attention/affection/company.
The fear of commitment.
Pure carnal instinct (which isn't attractive).

These are what come to the top of my head and I don't feel like thinking any further into it, as this sort of topic is a blood-boiler for me.

As I said before, unhappy periods of my life have coincided with my excessive promiscuity often for the need of things you have listed. The need for love, acceptance, and the need to be needed. Unfortunately the sex was only a quick fix.

Q: How do I know if I am a sex addict?​

The primary way to identify any addictive behavior is to consider whether it is causing negative or unwelcome problems and yet you return to it anyway. If your sexual behaviors have caused consequences to your legal status, relationships, career, health (emotional or physical), yet you continue to engage in those sexual behaviors anyway then there is likely a problem. You know that you are a sex addict if your sexual behaviors take up more time, energy and focus than you would like or if they cause you to act in ways that go against your underlying values and beliefs. Men and women who are sexual addicts will frequently say to themselves, "This is the last time that I am going to..." yet they will find themselves ultimately feeling driven to return to the same sexual situations, despite previous commitments to change.​

Sexual addicts are most often unable to make and keep commitments to themselves and others about stopping or changing particular sexual behaviors over the long term and most have problems with real intimacy. They will describe having feelings of overwhelming intensity while approaching the possibility of engaging in their particular sexual behavior and describe this intensity state as "being in the bubble" or "like being in a trance." This intensity/arousal state is typical and helps sexual addicts block out the potential consequences of what they are about to do. Typical sexual addict behaviors include: compulsive use of the Internet, phone lines or personals ads for sex, consistent use of prostitutes, sexual massage or escorts, multiple affairs, frequent sex outside of primary relationships, anonymous sex and compulsive masturbation.​

Q: If I turn out to be a sex addict, why can't I just take prescription medications to reduce my sex drive?​

Certain anti-depressant and hormonal drugs do reduce sexual drive, but medications alone cannot solve the problems underlying sexual addiction. It can be helpful to some people to consider medication as an option (through a consultation with a Psychiatrist familiar with addictive disorders) but rarely do those medications eradicate or evolve long-term changes to compulsive sexual behaviors. For sexual addicts, long term, addiction-based counseling, 12 step support group attendance and a commitment to making adjustments in life circumstances are the best start toward creating long term change. Sexual addiction is not just a problem of being too horny or wanting sex too often. Sexual addiction is a disorder where a person uses cruising, flirting, fantasy, intrigue and sex itself as a way of managing and tolerating feelings and underlying emotional conflicts. Sex addicts seek sexual highs to substitute for the support and intimacy they really need but do not allow themselves. Even though they may be surrounded by friends, family or supportive spouses; sex addicts will turn to the isolating intensity of their sexual behaviors or comfort rather than using the real human support that they have available. Sexual addiction is more than a physical problem that can be solved by taking a pill; it involves complex and often confusing emotional concerns.​

Q: Can masturbation and pornography be a part of sex addiction?​

Compulsive masturbation with or without the use of pornography and the compulsive viewing of porn with or without masturbation both present longstanding problems for many sex addicts. Whether it is through cybersex, phone sex lines, videos, and porn magazines or simply through fantasy; sexual addicts can lose hours daily to the isolating activities of fantasy and masturbation. Sexual addiction is not necessarily defined by having sex with another partner, some sexual addicts are too afraid of getting caught, getting a disease or being rejected to seek out partners for their acting-out. Instead, those involved in compulsive masturbation or compulsive viewing of pornography may lead lonely, disconnected lives, never really understanding what it is that keeps them from real intimacy and connection with those around them. Many sexual addicts who utilize compulsive masturbation as their primary way of sexual acting-out are in complete denial that their patterns of sexual release are any different than most people. Caught in compulsive patterns -- often begun in childhood or adolescence -- the sex addict who is masturbating compulsively may masturbate every night to get to sleep or every morning in the shower. Thus these behaviors become as much a part of their daily routine as eating or sleep.​

Q: If Alcoholics and drug addicts define "being sober" by not drinking or using mind altering chemicals, how does a sexual addict define sobriety without having to abstain from sex altogether?​

Unlike sobriety from the use of substances, sexual sobriety is not usually defined as abstinence from sex, although some recovering persons may take a short period of celibacy to help gain personal perspective or address a particular issue. Sexual sobriety is most often defined through the use of a "sex plan" or "contract" between the sexual addict and their 12-Step recovery support sponsor, therapist or clergy. These plans are ideally written down, and involve clearly defined, concrete behaviors from which the addict has committed to abstain in order to define sobriety. Some relationship or sexual recovery plans have very strictly defined boundaries, No sexual activity of any kind outside of a committed marital relationship could be one such defined boundary, No sex before being in a committed relationship, another. Sobriety is defined as abstinence from the sexual activities which cause the addict to feel shameful, hold secrets or which are illegal or abusive. Personal definitions may change over time as the recovering person evolves in their understanding of the disease. One recovering mans' early contract started out as, "I am sober as long as I do not have sex in a public place, use pornography, see prostitutes or old girlfriends (whom I am just seeing for the sexual contact)." This same man's "sex plan" evolved over the period of a few months to be all of the above plus... "I am sober as long as I do not engage in flirtation, intrigue or sexual seduction with strangers or have sexual or romantic liaisons with anyone I have dated for at least 90 days prior to sex." Sexual contracts such as these are always created in discussion with at least one other recovering person, therapist or clergy, and are not changed without the prior agreement of those trusted people.​

Although these "expert" definitions and explanations of sexual addiction are helpful as a kind of barometer to your mental health I do believe that you yourself are the true judge to what is best for you - what brings you happiness and if that includes promiscuous sex - so be it.

 

[36DD]

I think something becomes an addiction when it begins to interfere with one's life and the ability to make wise choices. It is always an individual matter, one can't decide for another how much of something is excessive, but if someone's life is deteriorating because of a "need" for something then that need is unhealthy and excessive.

 

[B_NineInchCock_160IQ]

I'm promiscuous because I recognize that lots of sex with many different partners is something that I want and I don't feel there's anything wrong with that.

I'm okay with that and happy with who I am.

It seems to me that those who sit around judging the habits of others are themselves often angry or discontented. What hole does it fill in their lives to be making judgment calls about how others live their lives, labeling this or that behavior as "bad" or "unhealthy?" When does this constant negativity about the natural processes of life and presupposing that their own sexual practices are more "healthy" or "normal" or "natural" or socially acceptable than those of others cross the line? If you are a condescending hypocritical moral elitist, can you ever change?


... to answer my own last question, yes, I think it is. I used to be one.

 

[36DD]

I'm promiscuous because I recognize that lots of sex with many different partners is something that I want and I don't feel there's anything wrong with that.

I'm okay with that and happy with who I am.

It seems to me that those who sit around judging the habits of others are themselves often angry or discontented. What hole does it fill in their lives to be making judgment calls about how others live their lives, labeling this or that behavior as "bad" or "unhealthy?" When does this constant negativity about the natural processes of life and presupposing that their own sexual practices are more "healthy" or "normal" or "natural" or socially acceptable than those of others cross the line? If you are a condescending hypocritical moral elitist, can you ever change?


... to answer my own last question, yes, I think it is. I used to be one.

Then I wouldn't say that your "promiscuity" is an addiction or a problem if it's not effecting you negatively and who the hell cares what others who aren't living your life think about it? One day we will all be judged by the same exact manner of judgement we impose on others...not pretty is it?

 

[B_NineInchCock_160IQ]

1. We tended to become immobilized by romantic obsessions. We became addicted to the search for sex and love; as a result, we neglected our lives.

See this is what I'm talking about. No offense to simcha, since I assume he's cutting and pasting, but whomever wrote this: what a fucking load of horseshit. Why is looking for sex or love neglecting your life? Just because some uptight shithead in the Senate or working for the Moral Majority or some 12-step program is frustrated because he never gets any, where does he get off deciding what is a worthy pursuit in life and what isn't? Yeah, some people want to work themselves to death at a job they hate so they can buy empty shit like an oversized house or nice clothes to impress all the people at church. Other people want to get married and pop out a couple of kids to keep the endless cycle of pointless genetic self-propagation going. That's all fine and good. If it makes you happy, GREAT.
But maybe to someone finding love IS life. Maybe for them to be happy they just want to surrender themselves completely to someone else.
Maybe there is someone else out there who has no interest in working their way up the corporate ladder or finding a nice girl to settle down with and they get more satisfaction out of having sex than buying into the consumerist nightmare of our society.
Maybe these people have found that by casting off the shackles of social acceptability and expectation, they're actually much happier. If they did, what's wrong with that?

Some people do find something approximating contentment by forcing themselves into a rigid social mold. and if you go to a fucking shrink that's probably what they'll encourage you to do yourself. and some people who struggle with impulsive behavior suffer as a result precisely because they haven't figured out how to let go of this hokey ideal. I think the people who just accept what they are and find a groove for themselves, who embrace their impulses and resist the socialized need to fit in, who can in short just be themselves without worrying about what everyone else thinks is the model of happiness... these people are the ones whom I feel are legitimately happy. The handful out there who make their own way in the world. Meanwhile everyone else hiding behind their white picket fences... they're mostly just pretending. They're keeping up appearances. Seeking anonymous sex in bathrooms. Downloading internet porn behind locked doors. Going to confession and praying for strength to resist the urge to actually live. Lying to themselves every day until finally they start to believe they actually are happy even if deep down they really aren't. ugh.

I must also say I'm not a fan at all of the culture of victimization, or the overuse of the terms addiction and disease. Just in the interest of full disclosure.

 

[SyddyKitty]

And here we go again, trying to be indirectly direct.

There is no hole to fill through the activity. Ever sat down an enjoyed a game of people-watching? Undoubtedly, you have.

Labeling ANYTHING as "bad" or "unhealthy" is a personal opinion and you know very well that you have the same views on other things in life.

Who says the negativity is constant? Negative things are just the most glaring and easy to point a finger at.

Yes, my own "sexual practices" are more healthy than another's FOR ME. F.O.R. M.E.. Being FOR ME, I shall judge it accordingly. Living the way of others, sexually, would kill me as I'ma clingy personality and, from experience, cannot get used to any sort of repeated rejection or let-down and I NEED commitment and loyalty. Ohnoes, I pointed out a self flaw, how dare I judge myself!? And yes, such a trait is a negative in most relationships. However, some are attracted to the clingy ones. Always keep, in the back of your head, to each his own. No matter how hard I judge someone, it's back there. Doesn't mean I have to come out and say it each time, as some protective, sugar-coated padding.

Condescending, somewhat. If you aren't EVER, then you may as well go unnoticed. Watching people so often you learn that EVERYONE is a bit of a hypocrit. When you watch people, you tend to listen too. Over time, you will see them fumble into hypocracy quite often. Humans are hypocrits, end of story. Should I ever feel the PERSONAL need to change myself, yes. No need to change for others.

Edit:
"But maybe to someone finding love IS life."
And, believe it or not, this is where I fall. And yes, it has negatively effected my life. I neglected much in my Junior and Senior years of high school, focused on it.

 

[Falcon9]

If a guy's going to fuck a million people he's not going to have time to unwrap and put new condoms on every time, he's going to have to have an everlasting one with a drainage system

SP, brilliant, we should go into business together with this great invention of yours. I'd like to be the spokesmodel for it!

 

[2322]

There is no hole to fill through the activity.

Oh yes there is! :tongue:

I'm so cheap. I'll go over and sit in the corner...:theyareontome:

 

[simcha]

See this is what I'm talking about. No offense to simcha, since I assume he's cutting and pasting, but whomever wrote this: what a fucking load of horseshit. Why is looking for sex or love neglecting your life?

In and of itself looking for sex and love isn't neglecting your life. That's something very healthy that everyone does, to a certain extent, because we are all sexual beings.

Where it crossed the line for me is where it took up my entire life and I bottomed out. I wasn't able to pursue real relationships because I was living several lives just to hide the fact that I was pursuing sex 24 hrs 7 days per week with no breaks. My jobs suffered. I would stay out until the sun rose even on week days filling my days and nights with sex and the pursuit of it.

What you should be paying attention to in those characteristics and questions is if these things have become all-consuming in your life to the exclusion of all other things, and it's holding you back as a self-actualizing person, then it could be a problem.

It has nothing to do with morality, judgment, social "norms", or religion. It's about quality of life. It's about being happy. It's about serenity.

If you are having sex all around town screwing everything that moves and you are deliriously happy, and your life is swell, then I would say there's no problem. In fact, if you are happy then all is well.

On the other hand if things suck and you're losing jobs because you can't concentrate on work and you are surfing for porn all day or having sex in the company bathroom on company time, and you get no sleep because you MUST seek sex, and you can't maintain any kind of relationship (this is an extreme case, but not unheard of) then you might want to examine your relationship to your own sexuality to see if things aren't out of balance.

It's all about balance NIC. There's no judgment on my part. My sex life certainly isn't "conventional." My sex life at 37 finally matches up with who I am and where I want to be headed, and it's in balance with the rest of my life. That's the way it is for me. It took 10+ years to get there. It's a personal journey.

 

[jack99821]

Wow, this thread asploded since I posted. There are definitely lots of valid points here, as different things work for different people. My only point is that there is no such thing as a psychological norm for promiscuity that everyone should follow. Everyone is different. Everyone has had different life experiences that guided them along the way. For me, this resulted in being very sexually active, but for others like SyddyKitty it has resulted in no sex at all. Both ways are 100% logical and correct, to us. If you tried to force him to follow *my* sexual standards, he'd self-destruct. If you tried to force me to follow *his*, I'd self-destruct.

It's illogical to impose your own beliefs about promiscuity on others. This isn't to say that there aren't people who do need help, far from it. This is just to say that everyone is his or her own person, and no one can be expected to suffer another's lifestyle. In the case of religious groups it's understandable, as they have some goal they want people to achieve so they can have whatever afterlife they believe in, but I'm quite confused at why an atheist would be anything but apathetic on the subject considering they believe there is no soul to save. Whatever works in life, because after death it doesn't matter?

I'm not judging you Syddy, I'm actually interested in what's going through your mind.

And for the record I have zillions and zillions of flaws. :biggrin1:

 

[D_Bob_Crotchitch]

As I said before, unhappy periods of my life have coincided with my excessive promiscuity often for the need of things you have listed. The need for love, acceptance, and the need to be needed. Unfortunately the sex was only a quick fix.

That reason is a large part of why I practice celibacy. It would be wonderful to have someone to love. Someone to hold who'd hold me back. They'd be my mate for life. It doesn't seem that it'll happen soon. So, I remain celibate but without painful baggage left from empty attempts at meeting my inner needs.
I do flirt a lot but that is just in fun.

 

[B_Chris63]

Do you have a sexual addiction? Is excessive promiscuity a sign of other problems?

On my nights out drinking or socializing I encounter some men who are non-stop obsessed with getting sex and was wondering if their promiscuity is a sign that something is not right in their lives. That sex has become an addiction. That they have sex not just because they are horny but because it fills some psychological hole in their lives and that it is an indication of other mental problems they are experiencing.

I think many on this site has some "addiction" to sex. When does it cross the line to being unhealthy, and if you are promiscuous can you ever change?

I totally agree with you in spite of other people's advice. I am mostly gay but not activist at all. I think there are big joys but also big dangers in sex (mentally, spiritually and physically) and in the lack of sex too, but in both cases, sex is alwways THE question.
It is not morality. It is the truth whatever people consider it or not. I have an Internet addiction, I do not want to suffer then from a virtual sex addiction ! I would really enjoy meeting a vwe uncut guy with a sense of honour and faithfulness. Do not mind if some people call you a christian fundamentalist and so on !

 

[B_Chris63]

Well Bbucko, I can say that I've had sex with thousands of strangers, most of whom I wasn't even attracted to. I did it because I felt empty inside and I felt that having sex filled me up. I sought validation in the sex act because, well, I would have the guy's full attention during the sex act. And as soon as it was over, I was on to the next guy. This was exhausting. My job suffered. All my friendships and relationships with family suffered because I lived a double life out of shame for what I was doing sexually.

I was in my twenties during the very active phase of my addiction to sex. And I can say with 100% certainty that my drive to have sex with 20 men in a weekend would have nothing to do with being horney or experimenting. It had to do with losing myself in sex. I wanted to escape my life and my depression. Sex made me numb enough to cope. The only emotion I ever felt was anger. Somehow anger wasn't numbed enough by my pursuit of sex.

I was so driven, I put myself in so many dangerous situations. I risked arrest, bodily harm, and even death. I had crabs only twice and warts in my mouth once. That's all I ever caught. I was very lucky.

I hated myself so much that I wanted to die in the slowest way possible. Thank goodness I found Sexual Compulsives Anonymous in Chicago. Sobriety as a sexual compulsive isn't anything like sobriety for an alcoholic or a drug addict. It's like being a food addict. In Overeaters Anonymous you build a new relationship to food, because we all have to eat.

Well, as a sex addict, and a human being, I'm a sexual being with a natural sexuality. I had to learn to explore my sexuality without the compulsion clouding who I really am sexually. It was about becoming intimate with myself before becoming intimate with others. I had to find my own answers within and develop a healthy relationship to my sexuality.

Therefore, abstinence for me is that I avoid engaging in behaviors and obsessive ways of thinking that are compulsive for me. Every sexual compulsive's sobriety is different because sexuality manifests itself in so many ways. As part of my sobriety I engage in sex out of who I really am sexually. I enjoy my sexuality as an integral part of who I am. It no longer rules me and it does not dictate my entire life.

Life as an active sexual compulsive/addict was hell. I have had over 10 years in recovery and I know I can never go back to the way I was. I have built too much self-esteem for that. And my life depends on some measure of sobriety due to the nature of my professional life, and my social life. I'm grateful that I found help.

Très touchant ! bravo !

 

[B_Italian1]

Who gets to decide when the label becomes appropriate?

The problem with these words is that they are highly subjective and relativistic. I've had five sex partners in the last eight weeks, which for me is excessively moderate.

You probably don't like the label because you are a sex addict or excessively promiscuous. You are on websites and on a constant hunt for new sex partners. It's a game to you so you don't realize it's a problem. And you could be infecting others since you won't use condoms, but yet you claim they all know you are HIV+. Alcoholics don't like to be told they're one, and will deny it sometimes even during an intervention.

Well, as a sex addict, and a human being, I'm a sexual being with a natural sexuality. I had to learn to explore my sexuality without the compulsion clouding who I really am sexually. It was about becoming intimate with myself before becoming intimate with others. I had to find my own answers within and develop a healthy relationship to my sexuality.

Therefore, abstinence for me is that I avoid engaging in behaviors and obsessive ways of thinking that are compulsive for me. Every sexual compulsive's sobriety is different because sexuality manifests itself in so many ways. As part of my sobriety I engage in sex out of who I really am sexually. I enjoy my sexuality as an integral part of who I am. It no longer rules me and it does not dictate my entire life.

Life as an active sexual compulsive/addict was hell. I have had over 10 years in recovery and I know I can never go back to the way I was. I have built too much self-esteem for that. And my life depends on some measure of sobriety due to the nature of my professional life, and my social life. I'm grateful that I found help.

I don't know how you can maintain sobriety living in S.F. It's awesome but it must be a struggle with all the temptations. But then again, I guess if you're strong enough to live there you would be strong enough to live anywhere. It's like an alcoholic taking up a job as a bartender.