Fear of not crying at funerals.

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by inspectahdck, Jul 14, 2010.

  1. inspectahdck

    inspectahdck Member

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    my mother's brother died 2 weeks ago.
    everyone arroud me was shocked, lots of tears.

    the saddest part about all that is not being able to share this,
    i seem to be unable to cry during such moments.
    i to fake the sadness during other funerals.

    some years ago i found i have schizoid tendencies
    Schizoid personality disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

    do not misinterpret as schizophrenia
    ..

    the funerals are in 1-2 weeks
    the worst part is that he suicided, 2nd attempt was the decisive one.
    talked with his sons before, he even got caught by his son in the act and there was police, he just ran away and shot himself.

    im afraid i wont be able to shed a tear
     
  2. Cila

    Verified Gold Member

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    It's ok if you can't cry. No one should judge you because you don't. I wouldn't worry about it. Please accept my condolences to you and your family.
     
  3. petite

    petite New Member

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    Don't worry about not crying. Not everyone does.

    TheBF doesn't cry. I've never seen him shed a tear, even though I know he has the same emotions I do. He was just raised to believe that men don't do that, so he doesn't.

    He's had several losses in the past year. His favorite aunt died, the youngest in her generation, and he's one of the oldest in his generation, so they were only 12 years apart in age. A childhood friend of his died from cancer after an unsuccessful but heroic battle. He was just a year older than TheBF and they had become much closer in the year before his death. He did not cry at the funeral, but it was obvious that his heart was broken and he was deeply in pain for a long time. I never saw him cry.
     
  4. thetramp

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    I don't cry at funerals either, nothing to worry about.

    Now not being sad at all, not letting emotions get to you would then again fit those schizoid tendencies you were talking about, and you might wanna worry about that, but don''t worry about the funeral.
     
  5. DAMP1

    DAMP1 Active Member

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    I have the same problem, but I've always looked at it like a numbness as I have lost so many; some older and most were much too young.... I feel a lot of pain but hardly any tears. Yet, I can cry watching a heart warming movie, kinda crazy isn't it?
     
  6. Sergeant_Torpedo

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    Mourning is the outward sign of grief. Expressing that grief takes many forms and is very much a cultural thing. Not weeping is part of the British funeral rites, it doesn't mean there is not sadness.

    However, the inability to shed tears is a personal problem. Weeping is a human activity; we are less human if we physically and emotionally cannot cry. Most people, men and women weep in private. We shouldn't denigrate peoples and cultures where public wailing is expected at funerals. It may even be cathartic.
     
  7. dolfette

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    what a pile of shit.
     
  8. D_Chaumbrelayne_Copprehead

    D_Chaumbrelayne_Copprehead Account Disabled

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    Man, everyone grieves in different ways. My condolences on your loss.

    At funerals, most people are caught up in their own feelings, and if anyone observes that you're not crying, they probably won't go so far as to make judgments about it. So don't fake it.
     
  9. B_Hung Jon

    B_Hung Jon New Member

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    Yeh, I don't think people would judge you by a lack of tears. Many people don't cry during funerals. At the same time it wouldn't be a great time to be smiling and laughing either. A blank face works just fine.
     
  10. Nkw17

    Nkw17 Member

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    Sometimes it can hit you late. When my dad died I didnt cry I couldnt believe it then I was a little depressed... It was until I was alone by myself as soon as I got back home a week after the funeral because after the funeral I went to stay with my siblings on his side & I didn't have the time to mourn but I broke down soo bad that I had to go to one of my fav cousins house then after I left her house at about 4am I started to break down again as I was driving the song Never Say Never By The Fray came on & it just did something to me.
     
  11. bigbulgelicker45

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    We all grieve in our own way.

    I think when its sudden we're too shocked to digest what's happened and slowly as you begin to accept it you can come to terms with the loss. It's nothing to be ashamed of.

    From mid November 2006 to after the New Year I had a lot of loss and bad things happen that I think I became numb to everything. I had gotten a call from a friend of mine's brother saying that they found him and I didn't go to the funeral. I just couldn't bring myself to go because we had, had an argument a couple of weeks earlier and he had called about 24 hours before he died. Before I found out, I had planned to call him because I needed to talk to him about a few things.

    When I had gotten the call I thought he was playing a joke on me (since he loved to do that with everyone) and due to all of the losses within that time period, I buried myself in work and just avoided everything. Nearly a year went by and then I finally broke down.
     
  12. AlteredEgo

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    Not everyone cries when they are sad. Not everyone is made sad by death. I wouldn't worry about it. I'm sorry for your loss, and for the traumatic way in which it happened.

    EDIT: I just remembered my initial response to the death of my mother was, "Oh. Okay." I cried a little a few hours later, from anger, rather than sadness. I took care of practical matters, and life went on. Six months later, I completely withdrew from life and had a year or so of secret insanity, almost completely isolated from others. During this time I finished grieving for my father who'd died two years prior. I am still grieving the loss of my mother. I have accepted it years and years ago. However my most recent (private and secret) tantrum was only a few weeks ago.
     
    #12 AlteredEgo, Jul 15, 2010
    Last edited: Jul 15, 2010
  13. ukdread

    ukdread New Member

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    I have the same condtion, i never cry at funerals, but i just use it, as people think im being strong and look to me for comfort, which i also dont enjoy but try at least to be there for the others, i wouldnt be afraid, embrace it and use it on this occasion to help others with there grieving x
     
  14. lpsgnooby

    lpsgnooby New Member

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    i think men get intense mood swings. or at least i do.

    for intervals as long as months at a time, i will be incredibly emotional. fucking toystory3 made me kinda tearyeyed. when i was 18, last year, i was not as emotional, and movies didn't make me cry.

    maybe you're going through your "period". the male "comma" lol.
     
  15. catman

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    everyone grieves in different ways...

    since my wife passed I am much more expressive...used not to be (my sons tease me about tearing up at Hallmark commercials now)

    it doesn't make you any more, or less, of a man.
     
  16. flame boy

    flame boy Account Disabled

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    You don't have to cry to show sadness. Trying to make yourself look like you are crying may be a worse idea than not shedding a real tear.
     
  17. ghb69

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    You do not have to cry at a funeral. In fact as you try and remember a person and there life, you may even find something to laugh at, and there is no shame in that either. Your emotions at a time time like this are a roller coaster, there is no law saying you must be sad, you must cry, or you must be strong. Be youself and not what you think others want you to be.
     
  18. SpeedoMike

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    grieving is a process varies considerable person to person. expecting someone to react in a certain way is simply judgmental.
     
  19. Nrets

    Nrets Member

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    There are cultures where funerals are a celebration. Sure, there are people who are despondent, but the event becomes a drunken celebration. I know this is true in many Latin American countries and from what I hear Ireland. So maybe Catholic countries in general. At any rate you can bet not everyone who ends up drunk and laughing at the after party was crying during the service. I would say be sensitive, and if you really are not feeling much, just focus on the better qualities of the guy so if you are put on the spot you can say something positive.
    No one will judge you for not crying.
     
  20. MASSIVEPKGO_CHUCK

    MASSIVEPKGO_CHUCK Well-Known Member

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    I'll put this as briefly, tactfully and diplomatically as is possible so it doesn't come across as belligerent.

    My Granny died Precisely 10yrs, 5 months this year, and when I went to see her @ the funeral home on the day of the final service, me, my sister and mom all cried for her, as well my cousins and aunts. THERE-IS-NOTHING-WRONG-WITH-CRYING-FOR-SOMEONE -YOU-LOVED-@ A FUNERAL!!!
     
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