Biguy, I'm not sure how this impacts her trustworthiness. Sounds to me you're mad she had sex that she didn't tell you about. You do not "have a right to know" about anything she'd like to keep secret, as long as she is not presently doing anything which violates the boundaries of your relationship. The past is in the past. The fact that she was willing to have an experience in the past does not imply that she has a different sex drive than the one with whichshe presented you, and it doesn't imply that she'd like to repeat the experience. I'd say if there is someone who'd let such an amazing person get away from them over something she isn't doing anymore, something she clearly hoped to leave behind her forever, then they are not worthy of her, and it is she who is really leaving them far, far behind. And good riddance.
AlteredEgo, this may end up being a looong one, I was hoping to avoid burning out my keyboard. :biggrin1:
My response comes from a myriad of reasons. Firstly, my biggest issue and the reason why I am saying that it's my right to know, is because of the fact that there is "material" out there. That puts my future, respect and credibility at risk. Do I want to have to deal with a friend/family member/colleague commenting on it after having stumbled across it? NO! How about this happening after I've worked my ass off to climb up the corporate ladder, become a public figure, or simply creating a good, secure future for us and this comes out? Ultimately, she was willing to put me and our future at risk and that is not acceptable.
When it comes to marriage, there are three huge issues that I will not compromise on, because I believe that they are the foundation of my marriage being good, happy and successful. Each person has their own. This is mine: The values surrounding marriage, sex and raising children.
When it comes to marriage, I would initiate the conversation about my past, my own skeletons etc. early in the relationship. She would have the right to know me for who I really am (including my past which helped shape me into the person that I am today). Marriage is a big deal for me and I am not willing to put myself or another at risk of spending my/their life in a divorce court. Informed decisions need to be made, unromantic as it may sound, we'd have a right to know where each other comes from and what baggage may surface in the future.
The mere fact that I had raised this topic, put myself at risk of judgement etc. and she was not willing to reciprocate would leave serious questions in my mind. One would include, "Was she trying to deceive me?" Now whether you may or not agree with me on my stance is besides the point. We all have our own opinions, values and principles which make us the unique individuals that we are. I am speaking for myself and not for anyone else. But any kind of deep committed relationship allows the other parties to have varying levels of influence on my life. I would therefore need to align myself with people that I can trust (with the knowledge that they are honest and forthcoming with me). And please, she wouldn't be forced to compromise her own values etc. for my sake. At the end of the day, I would have already sussed her out right at the beginning of the relationship - I would have decided if she was "for me or not" which really means that this kind of scenario will never take place in my life...even with my friends.
I wouldn't hold her past against her, but we would have in-depth discussions about her past and where she is at today. I am now speaking about my values surrounding sex. Sex is not just a physical act for me and I would need to ensure that she is on the same page as me...and she doesn't have to be...but then she wouldn't "be for me".
When it comes to raising our kids (and yes, I would only marry someone that wants kids), her own values would be of the utmost importance to me. I would be unwilling to compromise the well being or future of my children because they are being raised by parents with conflicting values. They didn't ask to be born, but they presented us with the privilege of forming them into responsible human beings that are fully equipped to formulate their own beliefs and values systems for themselves. There'd also be the issue of our own emotional baggage and taking steps to ensure that our children wouldn't have to carry it with them in their own future.
This is very brief, so without reams of elaboration I hope that it willmake sense to you. At the end of the day, this is a situation that I would never be faced with. Even though within the first six months of dating, my wife and I acknowledged that we would like to get married, we only got engaged five years later. We had a lot of deep discussions surrounding a whole range of topics. We put scenarios before each other in order to establish what the other person's thoughts were about those issues and how we as a couple would face them.
I may come across to have a carrot stuck up my tush (grrrr), but I can tell you that my wife lives with the reassurance that she's free to tell me anything and it wouldn't make my love for her diminish. She also knows that if she were to ever "slip up" with a guy, she wouldn't be under obligation to fess up to me. I know her well enough to know that she doesn't screw around..and that she'd be beating herself up over it - it would be punishment enough. I wouldn't want her to deal with more, even if it was the pained expression in my eyes. I'd want her to forgive herself and to move on...even if she needed to see a therapist.
If however, she felt that she loved him...really loved him, then I'd want her to consider having a future with him. With it would come the certainty that things wouldn't turn ugly and that she can count on me as a friend. This isn't a flippant statement either, it was formulated after a lot of my own soul search and reflection.
My stance on this one isn't about the mistake, but the size of the mistake and the willingness to put my and our future at risk by way of the video/website surfacing and being discovered by people in our lives. Her attempt to conceal it robbed me of the opportunity to be able to discuss scenarios with her, come up with conclusions etc. Trust is very sacred to me and my trusting her to have my back (and not only hers) would have been betrayed.
