Thank you ladies. I appreciate you breaking it down for me. Ok, so I have one last question. How were you able to make your open relationships emotionally healthy for you? Meaning how were you able to overcome the hurt? The jealousy? The resentment? I ask because those are the emotions I personally would be struggling with. Was it a relatively comfortable transition for you to make the first time you agreed to (or suggested) trying it? Or was it difficult for you? Maybe you're just not wired the same way as me? A lot less insecure? I sure envy that level of freedom and confidence.
No problem. I have written a blog about bdsm/relationships/other shit for almost a year and a half now, as well as have moved through/participated in my local kinky community since I was 18 + have known a fair variety of people who have "non-traditional" relationships.
How was I able to have polyamorous relationships that were emotionally healthy? Well, quite frankly, even from the first serious relationship I had when I was 18 and since then, I've been a bit... odd. I do get jealous, I do have insecurities, but I don't react to things like other people might. I realize that I won't met all of a partner's needs/desires most likely. I manage to be secure enough in my desirability/my partner's affection, that I can have no problem with them fucking someone else.
To put it another way, a m/f couple that I know had been strictly monogamous for years. The female had expressed interest in women as well for quite some time. Finally it came to a head one evening during a party that all of us were at. Myself and another pointed out to her boyfriend that he shouldn't feel bad that he wasn't woman enough for her. Given how many kinks I have/how much of a weirdo I am in some ways, I know it's incredibly unlikely that any single person is going to meet all my needs. I don't resent a partner for wanting things that I am unable to provide.
On the other hand, since I do have some insecurities/jealousy, my boundaries vary. If say, I started dating someone and was interested but we weren't committed to each other in any way shape or form, and I found out they had started seeing someone on the side, it would bother me (this is different than when I'm casually dating someone and know that we're both going on dates with other people).
For the flip side of that, I was dating two people at one point. I was at the local sex positive center/dungeon on a date with one of them, when I encountered someone else. That new person has now been my play partner for over a year. I've known since pretty much day one that he has a wife. I'm perfectly secure in my position with him, given that he sought me out and continues to seek my company. I'm able to say "Have fun, have a good date, have good sex" to him and to mean it. I can talk with his wife about sex too. Hell, she sometimes presents as male, so I've been getting tips on how to properly bind my breasts + pass as male (no I'm not transgender, I'm gender-fluid).
My first serious relationship, we were monogamous for quite some time. He wasn't meeting all of my needs, however. He was 100% non-kinky. After a time I started to chafe under the lack of certain things. We talked, argued, and negotiated for a long time. Eventually we came to a compromise, I was allowed to go to the local dungeon and receive pain, but I couldn't fuck anybody else. Just like anyone else I am struck sometimes by insecurity and jealousy, but I'm able to be happy for partner(s) too when they have happiness with someone else.
A word for this, is compersion. Pulling a definition/explanation from wikipedia, compersion is a state of empathetic happiness and joy experienced when an individual's current or former romantic partner experiences happiness and joy through an outside source, including, but not limited to, another romantic interest. This can be experienced as any form of erotic or emotional empathy, depending on the person experiencing the emotion.
Anyway, this is a bit of a ridiculously long post. Hopefully it was at least a little helpful. :biggrin1: