open relationship

Countryguy63

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Your last comparison is absurd. There's absolutely nothing wrong with non-heterosexuality.

When people sleep together, most of the time there's an emotional connection. This spark can grow into a flame, whether you want it to or not. I have news for you. The majority of people cannot be in love with more than one person, and this is not "social programming". If you think you are in love with more than one person, then you don't know what true love is. And if you think your significant other will stay emotionally loyal to you while sleeping with others, you're living in a fantasy land.



If you have to ask, you'll never understand.

So, instead of participating in a discussion, you come off judgemental, with attempted insults? You really think you can tell people whether they do or do not know what love is? :rolleyes:

Can anyone else explain why is it so painful for you if your SO is sexual with someone else?
 

B_Nicodemous

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I can see both sides of this. I think open relationships work with like minded peoples and that at any given time one or both parties may decide that it is NOT for them. Or the one may be pressured into it by feelings of guilt by a less experienced partner or a more experienced partner who still wants to fuck around, regardless of how their partner feels.

I am not saying monogamy is all that either. i have seen people stick it out for the lamest f reasons.

To answer CG's question: If i am in love wit someone, and in a very monogamous frame of mind, the thought of them actually being with someone else will cause distress. It would make e feel that I m less than, or lacking in some way Your own partner hinted at this in a post in the studs and players thread where he said if you meet someone who is hot ad just your perfect match you wouldn't want to fuck around. He basically said that if a partner felt the need to have sex beyond the one, then hey were never the one to begin with.

Oh here is the quote:

Anyone who has sex with multiple different people is more than likely not very good at it. Unless there is some other factor in there, like they are so good at it that they are getting paid for it or they are sought out for their sexual skill.

Think about it. Say you're a dude and you found this smokin' hot chick that was amazing in bed. You're telling me that after having sex with her you'd go out and look for someone else to have sex with instead of just having sex with her again? Exactly.

The same goes for the girl in that situation and you. If you're great in bed, she's going to want to have sex with you again (and probably again and again) and not go chasing after someone else.

People only look for more when they are unhappy with what they have. "Players" are only playing themselves.

My 2 cents on the subject.


So when I am in a monogamous relationship, I expect it to remain such. If they want to veer it calls into question how into me they are.

Now, if I go into things in a more non-monogamous mindset, or things are open to discussion form the get go, then there is no problem. Perhaps it is just me.
 

D_Kitten_Kaboodle

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what are your thoughts on them? do you think or have seen them help relationships? hurt relationships?

It has helped our relationship.. I've seen it destroy others.

Probably repeating but to have an open relationship, IMO, you'd have to be extremely secure in your current relationship, jealousy must not exist (it will wreck even the best relationships), and you should be confident and trusting, open and honest at all times.

There should be good ground rules and both parties must honor the rules. There must also be benefits for both partners.

I kinda have to disagree with AM on this subject. But as I said, it is my opinion, and my experiences only.
(I'd hesitate to say that I am "not good at sex" nor am I unhappy with my husband. This is not a lifestyle for us...it is a sex-quest) Maybe that makes a difference. I am not sure.
 
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NotSoDumb_Blonde

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what are your thoughts on them? do you think or have seen them help relationships? hurt relationships?

Open relationships? Like swinging? No, can't do them. I have seen them hurt relationships, and for myself, I simply want to feel secure that the person I am with is with me, all the way. I don't think open relationships could work for me because I've never wanted another person when I'm in a relationship. *shrug* different strokes for different folks.
 

NotSoDumb_Blonde

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oops, I dove in and instead of reading all the posts, answered the question!

So...it's changed a bit....so I'll answer Country's question-- and excuse me if your question stems from something further back in this thread, I only read your last one.

If I'm in a monogamous relationship and my SO fools around it causes me extreme pain. It hurts mentally and for me, physically makes me ill. I am probably not explaining the why though, because honestly it simply hurts. It feels like betrayal, and it is worse than being played by some guy you thought you knew but come to find out you don't. A SO has your trust, has your inner most thoughts and desires and when they stray, then you have to wonder what you lacked. I suppose that about sums it up for pain. It's only happened to me once but that one time has made me gun shy. very, very cautious and I'm not sure I'll ever open up completely again.

and I think I'm good in bed, too, Fancy. I also like how you framed your relationship and your idea of an open relationship. That sounds very freeing, but simply not my thing. Apples and oranges, maybe? lol
 

Countryguy63

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I can see both sides of this. I think open relationships work with like minded peoples and that at any given time one or both parties may decide that it is NOT for them. Or the one may be pressured into it by feelings of guilt by a less experienced partner or a more experienced partner who still wants to fuck around, regardless of how their partner feels.

I am not saying monogamy is all that either. i have seen people stick it out for the lamest f reasons.

To answer CG's question: If i am in love wit someone, and in a very monogamous frame of mind, the thought of them actually being with someone else will cause distress. It would make e feel that I m less than, or lacking in some way Your own partner hinted at this in a post in the studs and players thread where he said if you meet someone who is hot ad just your perfect match you wouldn't want to fuck around. He basically said that if a partner felt the need to have sex beyond the one, then hey were never the one to begin with.

Oh here is the quote:




So when I am in a monogamous relationship, I expect it to remain such. If they want to veer it calls into question how into me they are.

Now, if I go into things in a more non-monogamous mindset, or things are open to discussion form the get go, then there is no problem. Perhaps it is just me.

Oh, I definitely know how he feels :tongue:

This is one of the areas that we have different feelings about. BUT,, before anyone thinks it's an issue, it's not. I also believe that when 2 people mean that much to each other, different views are respected and honored :smile:

My feelings are that "Love and Relationships" are different than "playing". I don't want a "connection" with anyone else. I HAVE that!! But, it's fun to see and feel others :wink:

I related it to him to working out :smile:. He's my "partner"!! However, if he's not there, and someone else works out with me, I don't all of a sudden want the other person as my partner, lol.

I know, I know, that's not nearly in the same league, but it sounded good :tongue:
 
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B_Nicodemous

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OO...okay i didn't mean to imply that AM was saying that in response to this thread, just that I remembered the post and it kind summed up what I feel if i am in a formerly closed relationship and they other party wants to open it up. I feel like I am lacking in something. I gave AM's response (posted in another thread, and I didn't agree with the sentiment on a rational level) as an example of my thought process. It kinda confirmed for e that SOME people would see it that way..um..not explaining right, lol Like it confirms the fears I have when a partner wants to open a closed relationship when we had agreed to a closed in that its the "see, some people DO feel that if you are great in bed there is not reason to stray and they want more so i must not be doing it for my SO"

Stupid, i know, but emotions are seldom rational things. If i start a relationship with a re open bent...or we have really spoken of it for a while, then I am cool. It is the having it sprung on m that causes the negative and self doubting reaction.

So while i don't think that a person has multiple partners because their partner is lacking, if i am in what I was assured was a strictly monogamous relationship, and they spring "I want to fuck other people" on me, then I automatically think i am lacking in the sex department, that i am not doing it for them. Why do i fixate on the sex? Because I am usually told that they love me and it is just sex...

not sure if any of that made sense...lmao
 

B_Nicodemous

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just saw your post CG! lol! I was answering FP and NSDB,lol! As i said, if I go into something as an open r possibly open, then it is just the hammering out of specifics. Yu knw that L and e have been working on this. Since it was not started as a closed, then the open is workable for me, though some aspects cause me to cringe, specifically potential play partners who may stir feelings that will fuck things up (his best friend, and an ex of mine) the two are no fly zones for us. lol

UGH! you post faster then i can correct typos! lol

and I had a relaxing Memorial day! Hope yours was good too!
 

AlphaMale

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My 2 cents:

I don't do random sex with random people. That is never fulfilling to me. If I was single, then there is a chance I would have random sex with someone who I thought was really good looking and/or cool (and then maybe possibly pursue a relationship with them..). However, I would never have the urge to do that while I was in a relationship.

I only want to have consistent sex with the same person I'm in a relationship with. If I didn't think they were the top of the totem pole, then I wouldn't be in a relationship with them in the first place.

So because I think that way, if they wanted to have sex with someone else, I would in turn think that they thought I wasn't the top person to be with. That is just the way I would feel about it, it doesn't mean that is actually the way they would be thinking about it.

Just my opinion of course, I'm sure not everyone will agree. I know CG and I have differing opinions on this subject.
 

B_Nicodemous

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We are in almost perfect agreement AM! But then I am also in almost perfect agreement with your other half! lol!

See for me it seriously depends on what the relationship was set up to be at the outset, or barring that, then after serious talks. I had an ex jut spring it on me. And then was pissed when I expressed hesitancy. ugh! I am well quit of him.

I will say that, for me, it is by far easier to go in thee other direction, form open to closed. As long as it isn't open for him and closed for me (same ex...ugh!)
 

D_Kitten_Kaboodle

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I totally understand AM and Nico's responses. I respect and appreciate them. In fact for over 20 (ahem... something) years totally believed the same way.

As for my husband? He is perfect... absolutely perfect. I never, ever considered the fantasies that we had for all those years would ever turn into a reality game for us. But we have reached a point in our lives where we have absolute truth, honesty and security with one another. "The Game" was HIS idea... not mine.. I know it is difficult for many men (and women) to understand this. But some men really do get off on knowing that other guys are sexually attracted to their wives... to the point that they want to have sex and sex only. I do not get emotionally involved (so yes, that does change the whole... "doing it for the relationship" point of view.)

When The Game started, my husband noticed that sex with a LP guy generates a different effect on me. It has only been two years... and I do not see my self doing this for very much longer. It was totally an experiment, it has brought the two of us closer together (didn't think it was possible but it is). It has given me much more self-confidence. I dress differently, I walk differently, I hold myself up and am damn proud of being tall... All of this as a result of The Game. (I also like to think that I am giving some younger men some really good experience that will improve future relationships for them.)

Now, to CG's question: "Can anyone else explain why is it so painful for you if your SO is sexual with someone else?"

Obviously, it does not cause my husband pain... because he knows all the details. He knows who, what, when, where, and why. (He finds out the "how" later.) I think it causes pain when someone is dishonest about their feelings. That hurts. I have never been dishonest with my husband about sex (or any other major issue). Dishonesty causes pain, and distrust, and breaks relationships.

I totally understand how AM and Nico feel about needing to be top of the totem pole. But I didn't enter the relationship with my husband because the sex was out of this world. I entered the relationship because he was and is and always will be... my very best friend. I love him and love encompasses much more than sex. So... sex with him is really really good and for many years, I could not imagine anything any different. I won't say it is better... it is different. It is not better b/c there are no emotions involved. There is fire and excitement, yes, but not an emotional attachment.

This has been a very good discussion and I really appreciate hearing other points of view. :heart:
 

VernalTiger

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Thank you ladies. I appreciate you breaking it down for me. Ok, so I have one last question. How were you able to make your open relationships emotionally healthy for you? Meaning how were you able to overcome the hurt? The jealousy? The resentment? I ask because those are the emotions I personally would be struggling with. Was it a relatively comfortable transition for you to make the first time you agreed to (or suggested) trying it? Or was it difficult for you? Maybe you're just not wired the same way as me? A lot less insecure? I sure envy that level of freedom and confidence.

Dang maybe this should have been a new thread? Lol!! Sorry! Just so curious!!! Ok... Shutting up now!

For me, I've never felt jealousy in this relationship. Maybe this is my soulless automaton speaking, but I really don't experience jealousy or resentment. I'm happy to hear my man's stories, and his flirtations.

When we started, he was my cheating/rebound/one-night stand from my prior relationship. I was monogamous in a not-so-happy relationship from the ages of 18 to 24, and I felt like I had missed out on a lot of youthful experimentation. He was also very active when we met, so it seemed natural to negotiate an open relationship along with living arrangements and personality meshes. It took nearly a year before our theory became practical, but I think we've come to an equitable position now.

I can understand and fulfill the need for my partner to occasionally seek out others and allowing me to do so as well but I would not like to know or share of any details.

I have heard of couples doing this sharing their experiences with their partner do the people on here do that as well?

We share all of our stories. It's a pretty big part of how our open relationship functions - honesty, openness, and transparency. He finds it a turn on to hear of my men, and usually fucks me after.
 

EllieP

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There's no way I could emotionally handle my husband having sex with anyone but me. My ex cheated on me, and our marriage ended because of it.

Strangely enough, I met a woman last year who confided in me that she was in an open relationship. And quite frankly, I didn't want to hear about it, but it's like a traffic accident where you just have to look.

We both work for the same volunteer organization and found ourselves meeting each other often and struck up a kind of friendship. She was a pleasant looking older woman and I found out an advertising executive for a high profile magazine in the area. So she presented herself well.

Just out of the blue one day she told me she liked to have sex with other people and that her husband was perfectly fine with it. She recounted the past weekend, and to say that my ears were raped is a pretty accurate description.

I finally asked how she felt about her husband having sex with other women and she told me that should be ok with it but he never does. ?????

What do you call this type of relationship? It appears to be half-opened.

I shouldn't have asked any questions because she took that as a cue that I was interested and recounted more graphic stories that really made me dislike her - a lot!

Fortunately, she hasn't been around in quite a while, so maybe she's moved on to other organizations.
 

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There's no way I could emotionally handle my husband having sex with anyone but me. My ex cheated on me, and our marriage ended because of it.

Strangely enough, I met a woman last year who confided in me that she was in an open relationship. And quite frankly, I didn't want to hear about it, but it's like a traffic accident where you just have to look.

We both work for the same volunteer organization and found ourselves meeting each other often and struck up a kind of friendship. She was a pleasant looking older woman and I found out an advertising executive for a high profile magazine in the area. So she presented herself well.

Just out of the blue one day she told me she liked to have sex with other people and that her husband was perfectly fine with it. She recounted the past weekend, and to say that my ears were raped is a pretty accurate description.

I finally asked how she felt about her husband having sex with other women and she told me that should be ok with it but he never does. ?????

What do you call this type of relationship? It appears to be half-opened.

I shouldn't have asked any questions because she took that as a cue that I was interested and recounted more graphic stories that really made me dislike her - a lot!

Fortunately, she hasn't been around in quite a while, so maybe she's moved on to other organizations.

Sounds like a swinger type relationship to me. Perhaps the woman's husband is the type of guy who gets off watching his wife with other men. I don't agree with this relationship being half-opened since he does have the option to have sex with other women but chooses not to for whatever reason. One thing I don't understand is why the woman's stories of her lifestyle would make you dislike her though.
 

sbat

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Sounds like a swinger type relationship to me. Perhaps the woman's husband is the type of guy who gets off watching his wife with other men. I don't agree with this relationship being half-opened since he does have the option to have sex with other women but chooses not to for whatever reason. One thing I don't understand is why the woman's stories of her lifestyle would make you dislike her though.

The same way you would probably dislike a dude for enjoying a lifestyle that included raping little girls for fun every weekend.
 

blazblue

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The same way you would probably dislike a dude for enjoying a lifestyle that included raping little girls for fun every weekend.

Um ok except the woman Elle was talking about wasn't hurting anyone though.
 

LisaMarie

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You know... I was thinking on this a bit more and I think I understand why so many more couples are experiencing successful open relationships. The key thing here (I think) is connecting with someone else that is wired the same way you are. I'm sure it was really fuckin hard to find someone else that was willing to go along with this back in the day. You poor poor bastards that were tryin and failng miserably!!! How frustrating life must have been??? And the poor SO's that tried real hard to go along with it and just crashed and burned in the process!!! I'm thinking this is what was going on when people talk about the "reationships that were destroyed" thing....

Ok... I swear.... getting to my point now. I think it's soooooooo much easier for like-minded people to connect with one another online now!!


SAMPLE ONLINE CONVO:

Really? You like doin this too??? Seriously??? This wouldn't bother you?? You actually PREFER it this way???? OMGGGG!!! There is a God in heaven!!!!!! I'm sending a cab to pick you up in 20 minutes!!

And then? They live happily ever after...

When I think of it in terms like this... yeah. I think its a beautiful thing. I think its amazing and wonderful that you found each other in a sea of people like me! Cuz as much as I think it's great for you all? I would still kick my man's fuckin ass if he asked me to go along with it!!! lol!! :tongue:
 

B_Nicodemous

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OK, going to try to post a semi coherent thought, lol I am really ambivalent regarding the efficacy of the open relationship as it pertains to me. It has worked for me in the past. But other times it has ruined everything.

FP said as much in her post
It has helped our relationship.. I've seen it destroy others.

Probably repeating but to have an open relationship, IMO, you'd have to be extremely secure in your current relationship, jealousy must not exist (it will wreck even the best relationships), and you should be confident and trusting, open and honest at all times.

There should be good ground rules and both parties must honor the rules. There must also be benefits for both partners.

I kinda have to disagree with AM on this subject. But as I said, it is my opinion, and my experiences only.
(I'd hesitate to say that I am "not good at sex" nor am I unhappy with my husband. This is not a lifestyle for us...it is a sex-quest) Maybe that makes a difference. I am not sure.
I think the ground rules, and indeed the getting to that point either on the outset or after some serious discussion and time together, is the only way t even hope to make it work. So if it is dating and then open relationship, I have no qualms; the relationship was never closed, so y expectations are different. If we start as a closed or go from open to closed (and in that case at the other party's desire and with much "you are everything t me, how could I want more" form them), and then they decide, out of the blue, to tell me they want to fool around with other people (and there was no lead up, no sharing of fantasies, nada) then I do have a serious problem with that.

In those circumstances I feel as AM does, that I am not enough, that I wasn't The One, and THAT is when I get hurt and it physically makes me ill that they don't see me as such. That's what I was trying to say when I said I didn't agree with AM on a rational level; I meant it as, rationally I know that sex and love are not always connected, but emotionally I agree with him, in the fact that, once I am in love, and with someone in a monogamous way, the two seem inseparable, and a desire by the other partner to play is prceived as a "wow, I guess I just don't do it for you."

Hell i would rather find out that the cheated and have a clean break then have them espouse how much they love me, and this is only for the sex, cuz then I REALLY feel that I am lacking. Hell if you cheated maybe you found a more emotionally compatible person. I get that. I'm pissed, but it happens. But if you stress that you are just not satisfied with me sexually, well, that stings. Then I just feel as though I am some convenient stop gap. I am there to soothe you till you find my replacement. Not a good feeling. Because if I am not doing it for you sexually, how long till you decide that I am not enough emotionally? It always feels like waiting for the other shoe to drop. Ugh.:frown1:

Now there is an exception to this and FP hits on it:

I totally understand AM and Nico's responses. I respect and appreciate them. In fact for over 20 (ahem... something) years totally believed the same way.

As for my husband? He is perfect... absolutely perfect. I never, ever considered the fantasies that we had for all those years would ever turn into a reality game for us. But we have reached a point in our lives where we have absolute truth, honesty and security with one another. "The Game" was HIS idea... not mine.. I know it is difficult for many men (and women) to understand this. But some men really do get off on knowing that other guys are sexually attracted to their wives... to the point that they want to have sex and sex only. I do not get emotionally involved (so yes, that does change the whole... "doing it for the relationship" point of view.)

When The Game started, my husband noticed that sex with a LP guy generates a different effect on me. It has only been two years... and I do not see my self doing this for very much longer. It was totally an experiment, it has brought the two of us closer together (didn't think it was possible but it is). It has given me much more self-confidence. I dress differently, I walk differently, I hold myself up and am damn proud of being tall... All of this as a result of The Game. (I also like to think that I am giving some younger men some really good experience that will improve future relationships for them.)

Now, to CG's question: "Can anyone else explain why is it so painful for you if your SO is sexual with someone else?"

Obviously, it does not cause my husband pain... because he knows all the details. He knows who, what, when, where, and why. (He finds out the "how" later.) I think it causes pain when someone is dishonest about their feelings. That hurts. I have never been dishonest with my husband about sex (or any other major issue). Dishonesty causes pain, and distrust, and breaks relationships.

I totally understand how AM and Nico feel about needing to be top of the totem pole. But I didn't enter the relationship with my husband because the sex was out of this world. I entered the relationship because he was and is and always will be... my very best friend. I love him and love encompasses much more than sex. So... sex with him is really really good and for many years, I could not imagine anything any different. I won't say it is better... it is different. It is not better b/c there are no emotions involved. There is fire and excitement, yes, but not an emotional attachment.

This has been a very good discussion and I really appreciate hearing other points of view. :heart:

See, there was a long time of sharing of fantasies, so it wasn't out of the blue. There was years of trust, and respect. The fact that it was his idea, not for HIM to play around but HER is very soothing. Like...HE is the one who has most to loose, but he is willing to go there in an effort to increase BOTH there pleasures. SO his voicing the idea would not, if I was FP, cause me any discomfort.

It would work with me if the one initiating the idea wanted it for both, but then I would need the stipulation that we play as a couple, most definitely at the start, and possibly always.

I also have a quirk in that I don't bat an eye if the person i am dating is bi and they want to fool around with members of the opposite sex. I am totally fine with that. Indeed i have that now. I feel no threat or have feelings of i am less than as I feel he is getting something I cannot provide but I can give hi things they women can't. It is other guys that are problematic, as they are seen as direct competition for the spot I hold in his heart and life.

After two years we started conversation about adding a third guy. 2 1/2 years he broached the idea if it being his best friend, who is the only person he is out too. Now initially it was just to have someone film us, but then we played with the possibility of N joining us if he wished. N is not self identified as gay or bi, but is curious. Then it was N wanted to be with a TS girl (to fulfill his fantasy) and the four of us be in the same room, and if play happened between the members, that was cool. I was fine with all of this.

At one point, a few months back, however, the subject of it just being us three (L and e having sex, N maybe joining in, to whatever extent he wished) was broached, ad that...well I wasn't kosher with that. See, L and N have been friends forever. There is a definite love there. They have had threesomes of the MFM variety with each other before, and I was not sure how deep L's feelings for N ran. I voiced my concern and L agreed that we should table it for now (I wasn't against revisiting the notion, but had some stipulations).

About two months ago I was sought out by a former FB who i had intense feelings for at one point. L said to go for it, but i was hesitant. I spoke with some of you about that and if you want to identify yourselves you can) and it was pointed out that I should not do it as the feelings I once had may still be there. I agreed and declined the invitation.

This last time spent with L, we had the chance to discuss many things, one being the possible opening of the relationship with other guys. He is fine with me having sex with other guys. He doesn't want me to be without. He has the one girl he has sex with occasionally, and they cohabitate, so he has the camaraderie and such as well on a daily basis. He feels bad I don't have the same. I am a hermit by nature, so I could care less, though it is nice having the option.

Prior to our big official convo, but after I had the initial go ahead from him, I gave it a try, and other than 2 instances (both oral, with the same dude) I haven't invoked that option. truth to tell, though the sex was good with the other dude, it wasn't anything like what L and I have. That underlying spark of emotion that fire that just consumes me when I am with L, wasn't there. Of course, that is a good thing. i don't WANT that. But that is also why i am hesitant about N joining us, and will not play with the one guy I used to have feelings for.

As of now, we agree that, for play with other dudes, it will ONLY be together. The pay with another guy was ok, but all I could keep thinking of, was how much I wanted L to be there with me. I asked L if he wanted to play solo, and he said that he really did not. We are now thinking of only playing with other partners, as both of us do not want that awkward third wheel thing happening. If we bring in a third, it would have to be someone very special indeed. We would either have to truly have no feelings at ALL for them, or both be in love with them.

Hope this clears up my initial thoughts on the matter.