Platonic Relationship

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by migelhost, Feb 10, 2010.

  1. migelhost

    migelhost Member

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2007
    Messages:
    46
    Likes Received:
    3
    Gender:
    Male
    Guys, I have been in a relationship since over a year now. I really love him and he loves me too. And we plan to get married and live together and probably have kids too.

    But the thing is I realized that he is NOT sexual. He doesn't wanna do anything intimate EVER. Never ever in life. Not even sleeping naked together.

    But I do want us to be intimate. And it kinda does hurt me that he would never get intimate with me.

    I know most of you would suggest breaking up, but I genuinely love him and wouldn't wanna end the relationship.

    How do I deal with this?:confused:
     
  2. Wer24

    Wer24 Member

    Joined:
    Oct 31, 2009
    Messages:
    38
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    20
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Humboldt
    I went through the excact same thing! it sucked..but if sex is important to you and not him it just won't work in the long run neither of you can change who you are. Have you asked him why he doesn't want to do anything intimate? That might be the best thing..
     
  3. migelhost

    migelhost Member

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2007
    Messages:
    46
    Likes Received:
    3
    Gender:
    Male
    Well yea.... he doesn't really have any interest in having sex AT ALL. So I'm guessing he is asexual but emotionally gay????
     
  4. Vestigial

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Dec 1, 2006
    Messages:
    1,423
    Likes Received:
    0
    How many people have interest in doing the laundry?

    Not saying his choice is a bad thing, though...
     
  5. migelhost

    migelhost Member

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2007
    Messages:
    46
    Likes Received:
    3
    Gender:
    Male
    Well but that means he WILL NOT do it, and I do not feel the same, I am not asexual.
     
  6. Principessa

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Nov 22, 2006
    Messages:
    19,494
    Likes Received:
    28
    Gender:
    Female
    Run, run far and fast. This is emotionally damaging to you. This is what Oprah and Dr. Phil would call a toxic relationship. It is not healthy and it will slowly kill you inside. If for some asinine reason you feel you must stay, then join a polyamory club or get a boy toy to meet your physical needs.
     
  7. kjguy

    kjguy Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Aug 14, 2007
    Messages:
    257
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    1,840
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Milwaukee, Wisconsin
    I can understand your frustration, it must be hard. I kinda of consider him lucky, only because I wish I was asexual, and not interested in sex a lot. It seems more often than not, I'm a slave to my libido and I don't always like that. Too bad him and I can't switch sex drives, at least for little bit....
     
  8. B_Hung Jon

    B_Hung Jon New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2007
    Messages:
    5,008
    Likes Received:
    16
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Los Angeles, California
    I think it's pretty interesting that you've fallen in love with someone who's not into intimacy at all. Do you even cuddle or caress each other? Or how about making out? I can maybe see that he might not want to have anal sex or whatever but no physical intimacy doesn't seem very healthy to me in terms of being in a relationship.
     
  9. migelhost

    migelhost Member

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2007
    Messages:
    46
    Likes Received:
    3
    Gender:
    Male
    He doesn't mind smooching and cuddling, but nothing beyond that. Not even being naked.
    And I had no idea about his complete lack of interest in intimacy when I got into this relationship.
     
  10. migelhost

    migelhost Member

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2007
    Messages:
    46
    Likes Received:
    3
    Gender:
    Male
    I love him, and I am trying to forget about the sex part, but its difficult sometimes. I am not really crazy about sex, but I did wanna have sex with my lover. And there isn't anything wrong with that right?
    And now to know that he wouldn't do anything with me, it upsets me.
     
  11. dolfette

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2006
    Messages:
    11,901
    Likes Received:
    26
    either live with it or leave.

    can you live without sex forever?
     
  12. migelhost

    migelhost Member

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2007
    Messages:
    46
    Likes Received:
    3
    Gender:
    Male
    The thing is, I am virgin and so is he.

    I may live without sex forever but I would sure not like it. I am sure I would be depressed. Is there any way I could deal with living without sex forever?
     
  13. dolfette

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2006
    Messages:
    11,901
    Likes Received:
    26
    no.

    not if you need physical affection.
    you'll grow to resent him and you'll be tempted to cheat.

    some people are sexual and some aren't.
    you need to find someone who matches your needs.
     
  14. Fleur

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jul 14, 2009
    Messages:
    1,559
    Likes Received:
    28
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Manhattan
    To me, from being in a relationship just like this, where I wanted sex and he rarely did, wouldn't even cuddle naked like you mention...you really can't live like that.

    You can care about a person, love them, but can you really live without sex? Being unsatisfied? I couldn't. It's not just sex, for me it was also lack of intimacy and closeness I needed to feel...that was hard to live without. No sex for me was constant rejection. Not to mention all that rejection reeks on your self-esteem. And it seems to be doing that for you. I did the same, rationalized that I didn't "need" sex...it was just sex...but it's not, it's an intimacy and a bond you need in a relationship. Otherwise you're just roommates who occasionally cuddle.

    In the last year of our relationship maybe more, I thought about breaking up with him, almost did...but chose to stay...and honestly it sucked the life out of me...I was not happy. I was depressed all the time, he made to feel like some kind of hornball, made me feel unattractive, unwanted and that I wasn't deserving of the kind of affection I wanted.

    It's NO way to live. You need to find a partner who matches your needs more closely. Sexual needs are just if not MORE important than others in a relationship.
     
    #14 Fleur, Feb 10, 2010
    Last edited: Feb 10, 2010
  15. migelhost

    migelhost Member

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2007
    Messages:
    46
    Likes Received:
    3
    Gender:
    Male
    Thanks for replies people.

    But finding someone else is not something that I wanna do. I love him truly, and so does he.

    And as for cheating on him to meet my sexual needs, I will never do that either. I am and will always remain faithful to him. Sex to me is not merely fulfilling my physical needs, its a subset of love. But the love of my life isn't willing to give me that.

    Hmmmm....... I guess Ill have to find some way to forget about all this and stop cribbing.
     
  16. Fleur

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jul 14, 2009
    Messages:
    1,559
    Likes Received:
    28
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Manhattan
    Well...that's the point I'm trying to make. Sex is not just fulfilling physical needs, it's fulfilling emotional needs too. It's intimacy and closeness that you need in a relationship. Sex is not a subset of love, it's an IMPORTANT part of love.

    And I hate to say it, but he's not the love of your life. The love of your life *would* give you that.
     
  17. Vestigial

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Dec 1, 2006
    Messages:
    1,423
    Likes Received:
    0
    Yes.
     
  18. Snakebyte

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Dec 11, 2005
    Messages:
    7,326
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    458
    Verified:
    Photo
    migel, may I ask how old you are? I think my advice will pretty much depend on your age. For example if you're only 18 years old, I assure you it's most likely not the love of your life.
     
  19. migelhost

    migelhost Member

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2007
    Messages:
    46
    Likes Received:
    3
    Gender:
    Male
    I am 20
     
  20. Snakebyte

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Dec 11, 2005
    Messages:
    7,326
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    458
    Verified:
    Photo
    Don't get me wrong but, though I am only six years older, I'll tell you out of experience that you often think you've found the love of your life at that age. The odds are pretty bad that he really is the one, as harsh as it may sound. I think it's a big deal that you have to deny your sexuality. Actually I think it will destroy you emotionally. It's not about the psysical act like fleur already told you, even though the physical act is something you'll most likely also miss. But the lack of intimacy will make it not work. I promise you.
    In my opinion you really need to have a long talk with your bf about that. I don't think that he's aware of the fact that this bothers you so much.

    And as stupid as this question may sound. Can you be 100% sure that he is gay? (Don't know how to put it in better words) Maybe he's only emotionally attracted to you but physically he's after women.
     
Draft saved Draft deleted