Roommate issues...

[onewatcher]

So many of us have been in the same boat!:frown1:

Wonderwhy, I sooo identified with your post. I'm one of those people who is attracted to people on a person-by-person basis without a lot of regard to their gender. I've had painful crushes on both men and women. I had a huge crush on my best friend junior year of high school. I remember so clearly the afternoon I was leaving school late in the afternoon and happened to see him lying on the grass in the quad after school, lost in passion and spread across his new girlfriend, making out. It felt like my heart was getting ripped out of my chest, and I felt physically weak for the rest of the day. It was so confusing to me. He and I had kind of a flirty relationship, and I guess I had always held out some hope that something would happen between he and I. I got over the pain of the crush in a couple of weeks and was happy to have such a close friendship with him, even if it never went further than that.

Don't be too quick to move out. He sounds like a great guy, someone that anyone would be lucky to have as "just" a friend. I agree with others that if it becomes too painful, maybe moving out and moving on would be best. But, I'd give it at least a few months.

Good luck, whatever you decide.

 

[B_RedDude]

Would that the pain of all of these situations be so short-lived.

But I think too that holding on to the pain is sort of a psychic way of trying to hold onto the person in a particular way. Maybe, David, you were a lot more mature and emotionally healthy than many of us.

I got over the pain of the crush in a couple of weeks and was happy to have such a close friendship with him, even if it never went further than that.

 

[DavidXL]

. . . .There is an aspect of falling in love with yourself when you fall in love with someone. It's like a part of us that is usually dormant comes alive, and we feel like we have never felt before. . . .

Well said! That feeling of really feeling alive is so awesome.

 

[wonderwhy1]

Wow, you guys have really been great... I knew there must be other people with similar issues, but I never thought that all of our stories would follow almost identical pattern... Thank you all!

I would be lying if I said I never considered moving out... that was one of my first thoughts... There are, however multiple implications of that and it could potentially spin out of control... For example, a month ago, we signed another year contract and I'd have to check but there could be some problems if I break it sooner... secondly, we have a really great place in a cool neighborhood and I'd really hate to lose it... third, just the thought of moving out with shitloads of stuff that I have makes my head spin... and finally, we have this fairly tight community of friends and if I suddenly announce that I am moving out, it will be difficult to keep in on the down low and not to raise eyebrows...

so emotions aside, in this situation I have to think practically and not make any rash decisions...

on the other hand, he was away for couple of days recently and I have to say, my mood improved dramatically... I was socializing, going out, making friends and really enjoyed myself... Right after he came back, the feeling of anxiety came back as well... So right now, I feel like I am living with a stranger... we pretty much spend time in our own rooms, exchange some irrelevant chitchat if we catch each other in the kitchen and that's it... I know it's mostly me, coz he does ask me about my day, what's new and stuff like that, and I reply politely, but not really getting into discussions...

I know it may be wrong, but I have a feeling like I need to prove a point to him... It's also not just about how I feel anymore, but to show him that things he says have a certain weight. and I am not the only one who thinks like that... People that know him start to realize that he tends to say things very easily without any substance and then when he makes a mistake, also apologies come to him very easily... and then he makes the same mistake again, and again... so eventually u realize, there is no point... I could go on about this, but for a sake of simplicity, I'm gonna stop here...

so, to move out or not to move out? hmmm... I guess it's something I will decide in the course of next few months, but as I said before, at this point I really don't see things getting better any time soon...

 

[Chase1600]

“… Right after he came back, the feeling of anxiety came back as well... So right now, I feel like I am living with a stranger... we pretty much spend time in our own rooms, exchange some irrelevant chitchat if we catch each other in the kitchen and that's it... I know it's mostly me, coz he does ask me about my day, what's new and stuff like that, and I reply politely, but not really getting into discussions...

Hey buddy, Yea, what you just said. You’re describing anxiety more than a crush.

I know it may be wrong, but I have a feeling like I need to prove a point to him... It's also not just about how I feel anymore, but to show him that things he says have a certain weight. and I am not the only one who thinks like that... People that know him start to realize that he tends to say things very easily without any substance and then when he makes a mistake, also apologies come to him very easily... and then he makes the same mistake again, and again... so eventually u realize, there is no point... I could go on about this, but for a sake of simplicity, I'm gonna stop here...

...

You’re right. It’s wrong. To guys, the four most terrifying words in the English language are “we need to talk.” I’ll bet away my lifetime supply of crème brulee that your roomie doesn’t need to talk. This “mistake” is probably no problem he needs to solve. It is a problem for you that you need for him to solve.

It’s tough, and like other members, I had a way of falling for straight roommates as well. Reading your post offers me some insight into some of my misery back then; I wonder if the emotion of anxiety wasn’t mixed with infatuation, falling in love, and down right horniness. Now that I read your post, I wonder if the source of some of the most distress wasn’t some sort of anxiety.

Try expanding how you look at what is taking place. It’s in your head. Nothing changed in the household, did it? As a gay guy, I think it’s normal for you to be attracted to him and want to experiment. But that’s a two way street. You hit that ball and he didn’t catch. Unless he hits one back, it ain’t gonna happen. That’s probably the way it’s going down. But I’ll tell you one thing, if you want to ever have any chance at all in a million years, you got to chill with him.

Back in the day, whenever anyone acted around me, male or female, like I read this post, they spooked me and I made distance.

 

[wonderwhy1]

To guys, the four most terrifying words in the English language are “we need to talk.” I’ll bet away my lifetime supply of crème brulee that your roomie doesn’t need to talk. This “mistake” is probably no problem he needs to solve. It is a problem for you that you need for him to solve.

Oh yeah, I understand that completely and I see that happening... He did say he will give me all the time that I need and all the space that I need, so from his perspective he is probably convinced that there is nothing he could do...

I wonder if the emotion of anxiety wasn’t mixed with infatuation, falling in love, and down right horniness. Now that I read your post, I wonder if the source of some of the most distress wasn’t some sort of anxiety.

I call it anxiety (for the lack of the better term) coz of the terrible gut feeling... it's as if something is constantly squeezing my stomach... I sometimes get that when under stress or when I fail at something... I think it's fairly normal, and I usually don't get worked up about it, but since this is a fairly new and uncharted territory for me, it may also be that the sense of failure triggered these feelings of frustration and disappointment and I need to work those out...

 

[onewatcher]

Wonderwhy, This really does have a loy of merit. He's not going to change overnight. You don't really know whats going on in his head/world.
It is also his home. He KNOWS whats wrong, and seems to be trying for some normalcy. Be the more mature one, and try your hardest to put on a good face. You alone are not going to make him change how quickly he says things/appoliges. Putting this behind you, not stressing over it, continuing to socialize with friends will all help you!

Hey buddy, Yea, what you just said. You’re describing anxiety more than a crush.





You’re right. It’s wrong. To guys, the four most terrifying words in the English language are “we need to talk.” I’ll bet away my lifetime supply of crème brulee that your roomie doesn’t need to talk. This “mistake” is probably no problem he needs to solve. It is a problem for you that you need for him to solve.

It’s tough, and like other members, I had a way of falling for straight roommates as well. Reading your post offers me some insight into some of my misery back then; I wonder if the emotion of anxiety wasn’t mixed with infatuation, falling in love, and down right horniness. Now that I read your post, I wonder if the source of some of the most distress wasn’t some sort of anxiety.

Try expanding how you look at what is taking place. It’s in your head. Nothing changed in the household, did it? As a gay guy, I think it’s normal for you to be attracted to him and want to experiment. But that’s a two way street. You hit that ball and he didn’t catch. Unless he hits one back, it ain’t gonna happen. That’s probably the way it’s going down. But I’ll tell you one thing, if you want to ever have any chance at all in a million years, you got to chill with him.

Back in the day, whenever anyone acted around me, male or female, like I read this post, they spooked me and I made distance.

 

[Chase1600]

I call it anxiety (for the lack of the better term) coz of the terrible gut feeling... it's as if something is constantly squeezing my stomach... I sometimes get that when under stress or when I fail at something... I think it's fairly normal, and I usually don't get worked up about it, but since this is a fairly new and uncharted territory for me, it may also be that the sense of failure triggered these feelings of frustration and disappointment and I need to work those out...

I would call it anxiety and I remember it exactly the way you describe. It’s completely normal, don’t feel you need to be diagnosed or something like that. That is, it’s completely normal how this sort of thing might set in. But it isn’t happy and healthy and productive to let it take control.

Again, we have been discussing your experience from the perspective of a crush – which exists – but it has occurred to me that what is upsetting is what you describe “the sense of failure triggers these feelings of frustration and disappointment.”

What attracts us to some people and not others reveals something essential to our respective personalities. What upsets us and can trigger anxiety is the same. This is simply you being you. Nonetheless, accepting you being you and understanding doesn’t require acquiescing.

I had this kind of crush a couple times. I got over it. In a sense, it’s been valuable. I learned to be comfortable getting over it. I’ve always appreciated that the people I loved must have been wonderful and deserved to be loved else I wouldn’t have responded. Even if it was hopeless, my being attracted to them and their not responding didn’t make me unattractive.

You may have to rally some guts here and accept that you got yourself out on a bit of a limb. Anyone who is capable of responding as you have to one person is capable of responding to others. There are 5 billion people on the planet. You won’t have a problem finding another. Nurture your ability to respond to someone, male or female that will work itself out, and go to work developing the skills to put this “ability” to let anxiety take over back in it’s place.

Anxiety is a necessary response; without it we’d get ourselves struck by lightening.

I’m sticking to my guns on this one and guessing that although you are discussing a crush that is real, you are discussing anxiety that is also real. The internet has some use. While I bet this is a dead end subject to discuss with the roomie, getting it off your chest and sharing it with people who are essentially strangers can be productive. It lets you work it out. But be on guard; it is our way to get stuck in a rut when having to “shape ourselves up.” If you are coping with anxiety, you will have to get tough with yourself.

 

[deleted3782]

You alone are not going to make him change how quickly he says things/appoliges.

What exactly should the roommate apologize about?

I would call it anxiety and I remember it exactly the way you describe. It’s completely normal, don’t feel you need to be diagnosed or something like that. That is, it’s completely normal how this sort of thing might set in. But it isn’t happy and healthy and productive to let it take control.

I appreciate that anxiety isn't very happy or productive, but how do you prevent it from taking control...especially when you likely watch the roommate falling in love with his girlfriend day by day? How can you make that not stab at your heart? How do you not feel slighted when he no longer has interest doing things with you because he has plans with her? These are things I've always struggled with...and have had a hard time working out.

 

[B_Jules7]

A very interesting thread, and I think it is clear that many of us have been in similar positions in our youth, and for some it was experimentation but the path was ultimately "straight" (no pun intended), for others it led to a realisation that they are bi or gay or anywhere in between! It's all part of the journey and I am sure it will all work out for you in the end.

I did want to comment on one specific aspect though. When I was in my teens I was involved in several circle jerks etc and fooled around with three guys from age 14 to 18. At the time I was very confused. I felt straight and attracted to girls, but I was at an all boys school with a very high sex drive, and I was very shy with the few girls I did meet during holidays etc. I ended up sleeping with these guys (oral and mutual jerking) and looking back I have very fond memories, but it was totally sexual and not emotional. Anyway, that's just the context - but the story which I wanted to highlight is this: After a summer holiday away from school we got back and were all comparing stories of what we did on holiday etc. The guy that I had been blowing called me aside and told me privately that he had got a BJ from a girl during the holiday (his first from a girl). He told me in great details, and I remember being really jealous. I didn't think I had any emotional connection with this guy, but I remember wanting to give him a "better" BJ than this girl who had invaded my territory! I think this reaction is perfectly natural. In other words, the jealousy which "raised your gayness" might be a natural reaction to someone moving onto your territory, but doesn't necessarily mean that you are gay.

I ended up leaving school and missing this guy terribly for a couple of months when we went to different universities. It was mostly that I missed the blow jobs (giving and receiving) However, I soon started dating girls and developed my confidence. I haven't been with a guy since then and although I fantasise about those days and wouldn't mind sucking cock again (with the right guy - I am very fussy), I am basically straight now and have had a very fulfilling sex life with 27 girls since then, and several great relationships (all with girls). The other guy in the story is now married with a kid ( and in fact all three guys I blew are all living straight lives.

My point is that the late teens and early twenties is a time when you need to experiment and decide what you want. whichever way it goes it will be part of your journey, and you will look back one day and this will be one of those moments that defined who you become.

I remember a great quote from "Chasing Amy" (great film) where Alyssa (lesbian who falls for a guy) says:
"I was an experimental girl for Christ sake! Maybe you knew early on that your track was from point A to B, but unlike you I was not given a fucking map at birth, so I tried it all! That is until we, that's you and I, got together and suddenly I was sated! "

 

[Chase1600]

I appreciate that anxiety isn't very happy or productive, but how do you prevent it from taking control...especially when you likely watch the roommate falling in love with his girlfriend day by day? How can you make that not stab at your heart? How do you not feel slighted when he no longer has interest doing things with you because he has plans with her? These are things I've always struggled with...and have had a hard time working out.

Easier said than done, right?

What did you just say “ … when you likely watch the roommate …” If wonderwhy1 were to move cross country, begin a new life, I just 99.99% guarantee our buddy would forget about roomie in no time.

Out of sight, out of mind.

Now, I don’t want wonderwhy1 to misinterpret and assume I suggest he move. It would create havoc because of the newly signed lease, and disrupt their lives; besides he might be better off coping than fleeing. At the end of the year, if things are still tough, yea, make a break.

If wonderwhy1 can understand that were he to move, he really would let this go – and I’ll explain why in a moment – maybe he can force himself to go through the less than appealing business of building a solid life of stuff that does not rely upon rommie.

He may not be in a mood to get himself another girl, or find a guy, right now - seems kind of plastic to me anyhow. But he could, by God, make himself so busy and engaged, sunrise to sunset, that he just doesn’t have a chance to spoon over roomie or even much know where the cute boy is.

Try it; do it; if it succeeds, it becomes one of those liberating things that make us understand we can be stronger.

Who cares what it is. Get a second job at a stop and shop and put up with those annoying customers; that’ll keep him from thinking about ole roomie, or anything else for that matter. Volunteer at a soup kitchen – ditto about the attention thing. In fact anything that keeps him physically active and requires attention to other people will have the best result.

Maybe he can get a job tending bar in a gay bar – kill two birds – just kidding.

OK, what I was going to explain. As infatuated, attracted, entranced, in love, in lust, or whatever wonderwhy1 is feeling, roomie is not cheating on him, we understand. These guys were not a couple; they haven’t broken up; wonderwhy1 never got dumped; our guy hasn’t lost something, he developed a desire for something that I guess isn’t going to be.

Makes a big difference.

And BTW everybody, we here in LPSG cyber-space were not the first American dudes to go sweet on a buddy. Apparently Abraham Lincoln developed an intergalactic scale crush on a man with whom he shared a bed – for some extended time – in Springfield IL. The man returned to wherever when Abe learned his 19th Century buddy was to be married. Abe lost it, so the story goes. He went to that place and pleaded.

All to no avail.

One thing I’d like to say on Abe’s behalf. He got over it and managed to make something of himself like nobody else ever did.

Wonderwhy1 will do it too.

 

[Chase1600]

A very interesting thread, and I think it is clear that many of us have been in similar positions in our youth, and for some it was experimentation but the path was ultimately "straight" (no pun intended), for others it led to a realisation that they are bi or gay or anywhere in between! It's all part of the journey and I am sure it will all work out for you in the end.

Jules7, your preceding post - which began with the above paragraph - was wonderful. What a great story and very to the point.

I just wanted to bump it so people will go back and read what you wrote.

 

[sdbg]

I appreciate that anxiety isn't very happy or productive, but how do you prevent it from taking control...especially when you likely watch the roommate falling in love with his girlfriend day by day? How can you make that not stab at your heart? How do you not feel slighted when he no longer has interest doing things with you because he has plans with her? These are things I've always struggled with...and have had a hard time working out.

Exwhyzee: I've seen your posts over the years and am starting to appreciate that you and I have reacted in a similar manner to some of the same situations. You're definitely a guy with substance and make LPSG a better place.

I'm going through the same thing with a cycling buddy right now who has been so pussy whipped since this past winter, I never see him any more. I'm not attracted to him, but I still feel the loss of the commeraderie and the loss of a cycling partner. I'm very independent and don't need anyone holding my hand through life, yet like my social life, too. We can think of all the motivational phrases "The strong survive", "Let it bounce of your back", "Get over it", etc., but the reality is that we're human an entitled to our feelings.

Wonderwhy: Your replies on this thread suggest that you're trying to work through this without disrupting your social circle with drama, and that's smart. I think that you're wise to stay put and try and make it work for now. It sounds like you're set up well, and you don't want to blow a good thing. When it happened to me, I didn't want to be embarrassed by revealing my most personal stuff to people who knew us casually. I wore a smile and kept a poker face. It worked with everyone but my best friends who know that I was going through hell. The answer for me was to keep busy. Working out / exercise was a great diversion for all my pent up emotion. Just look at all the support you get here from people who don't even know you!

 

[dad4you]

I understand the angst of the OP. Over my life I have had physical and emotional desires for others that were not reciprocated, and have done the same with other that were wanting to be with me. I hope that we are in the midst of evolving from "straight" and/or "gay" to just accepting that we are all HUMAN and open to building relationships with both sexes and all genders without the artificial barriers of fear. I still treasure great works of art and though I will never own one myself I can appreciate the beauty that others have created.

 

[davis0444]

Lots of good advice here, but I'll pile on with my two cents' worth.

As to the question of "Should I stay or should I go?", make sure that you are taking care of YOURSELF first. Don't worry about what your roomate, your friends, or even us here on LPSG think. You will know when and if you need to move out to protect yourself. I agree with most of the posters here that if you can stay in your current apartment and re-build the friendship with your roomie, it would be good, but if your well-being suffers because of it, move on, and don't worry about it.

Second--keep talking to someone, whether it be friends, a counselor or just us here on LPSG. While what you are going through is common, that doesn't take it's sting away. Give yourself time and emotional space to deal with it. Don't be hard on yourself if it takes time. Scars can take a while to heal.

Be strong. You sound like a nice guy with a good head on his shoulders.

 

[wonderwhy1]

Hey everybody!

I'd like to thank you for all your support, and I'd like to update you on the situation...
Basically, I decided to move out...
And, this has really to do little with how I feel about my roommate, but it's more of what I think of him...

It's true that we were good friends in the past three years but I came to a realization. This thought has been present throughout the whole time, but I just chose to ignore it giving an excuse for every situation and thinking it's gonna be better with time...
I'm talking about friendship and how it was taken for granted on his part in numerous occasions... I remember situations where he was in crisis and I was there for him... Family matters, ex-gf, school, I can count at least dozen situations where I was there for him, as a friend should... I am like this with all my close friends, not because I expect anything in return, but because I don't like seeing them miserable...

So, one time that I am in shit, I just simply could not count on him... and not only I could count on his help (don't get me wrong, as a friend - talking and being there for me), he, in the past couple of weeks showed me how little he values our friendship...

My mistake was that by trying to push him away, I expected a response something along the lines of "oh, fuck, I'm gonna lose a friend, I better do something...." while instead his actions showed that he couldn't care less, and that it would be convenient to stay in good relations coz we have mutual friends and apartment.

So my disappointment has become purely on human level... Putting emotions aside, I think good friends should be there for each other in good times and in bad times... Showing me that he can be a just a superficial friend/acquaintant made me reach this decision... Until one of us moves out (it's still gonna be a process of couple of months), there's not gonna be watching movies together anymore, playing consoles, exchanging stories... we're just gonna be two people sharing an apartment...

 

[B_Nicodemous]

Wow, you guys have really been great... I knew there must be other people with similar issues, but I never thought that all of our stories would follow almost identical pattern... Thank you all!

I would be lying if I said I never considered moving out... that was one of my first thoughts... There are, however multiple implications of that and it could potentially spin out of control... For example, a month ago, we signed another year contract and I'd have to check but there could be some problems if I break it sooner... secondly, we have a really great place in a cool neighborhood and I'd really hate to lose it... third, just the thought of moving out with shitloads of stuff that I have makes my head spin... and finally, we have this fairly tight community of friends and if I suddenly announce that I am moving out, it will be difficult to keep in on the down low and not to raise eyebrows...


so, to move out or not to move out? hmmm... I guess it's something I will decide in the course of next few months, but as I said before, at this point I really don't see things getting better any time soon...

So let me tackle this before getting to the other stuff I wanted to say. Look into the lease agreement. Where I live, as long as you can find someone to complete your agreed upon term< thereby taking over your lease, no penalty will be levied against you. Look into that. Cool neighborhood or not, great place or not, if it is effecting your health (mental/emotional and/or physical) then it's not worth it. There are other cool neighborhoods with great places in them. Your third point I empathize with. Moving shitloads of crap sucks, but really isn't that bad and is a short term inconvenience at best. It sucks, but is not an insurmountable obstacle. As for the friends? Why do they need to know the reason for it? You can say you just want your own place, and leave it at that. Or if you feel so inclined, let them know that, although a great friend, sometimes friends don't make the best roomies. I have had to move out for that reason and known plenty of people who have as well, so o probably won't raise any eyebrows.

I, like many of us, have found myself in situations similar to yours. I have read this thread through so I did see that you have decided to move out. If you are moving for the reasons stated, fine. If you are rationalizing...that's fine too. I will explain why. It means that no matter what, this living situation has become intolerable and you need to jet. I think it is a combo, but I could be wrong.

A little story that may or may not be relevant:

I have had a friend like the one you described (we are still friends, but only recently reconnected as such) He was sweet and understanding and I had a crush on him, and he seemed fine with that. I wasn't, however. After some time of trying to go on as if nothing had changed I did what you did. I told him how I felt, and that was why I had (at that point) been acting weird. I also understood that he was straight (he in fact reminded me of this point) and I needed just a little space to work things through in my head. Thank god we didn't live together, cuz I can see what kind of holy hell that would have been. It took a few months but I got to the point where it wasn't an issue to be around him. It was like old times. And then I started realizing that even if he was gay or bi, I dodged a bullet with him.

Although he is sweet he is also tries to say just the right things and over empathize/sympathize with people. I have seen this be a problem for him in his relations with people of both sexes, gay, straight or bi. He can seem like a really good friend, and can actually be one. Hell when I had broken up with my BF he drove 3 hours to console me and tell me that everything was going to be fine. In major crises like that he was solid.

Then he began to change. He became a fair weather friend. Not just to me, but to everyone. He also became dismissive and rude. I was at a music event when I felt the onset of a panic attack (I had massive anxiety issues at the time) and had to leave. The friends I was with ran into him tending bar. He asked where I was (he knew I was going to be there with them) and they told him what had happened. Now J knew about my anxiety issues, and knew I was working on them and said to them, with a roll of the eyes and a dismissive little *pfft* "yeah well what else is new" This was BEFORE I admitted how I was feeling for him. I only found this part out years later when hanging out with the friends I was with at the time. They had known (and still know) nothing of how I had felt towards J and were talking to me about what an ass he had become. I hadn't seen or heard from him in years by this point, and asked what was up. They start telling me a shitload of things that he had said and done over the intervening years and one of them said that they shouldn't have been so surprised after what he said about me (his supposed best friend) all those years back. My eyes widened slightly and I think I said something like "wow":Eyecrazy: and the convo moved on to other things.

My advice to you, sweetie? Move out. Get some distance. Once the feelings have faded, then you need to see if you really did move due primarily to his, being a flake, or if it was cuz you couldn't deal with the crush and anxiety over him, as wel as the feeings of rejection you had. You need to figure this out so that you can develop some coping skills for similar situations in life.

Whatever happens the best of luck to you. And a big hug from me:hug:

 

[B_Nicodemous]

Oh and to clarify the still friends with him part? We are "friends" on facebook only. lol so really, how much does that count...

 

[azladd]

I'm sure he's straight. We became very good friends, even too good I'd say to the point where we would sometimes actually finish each other sentences. Sometimes, when the topic of gays would come along, he'd seem a bit too tolerant and on ocassion even he'd openly discuss blowjobs and anal sex between guys. Also, sometimes as a joke, he'd act feminine and actually be pretty good at it.
I was looking for THE THING, a steady relationship. Before even blinking, a year has gone by and I was still single. I wasn't really worried, coz I was doing ok single and on my own. No stress, no obligations, no drama. I knew that the right girl would come sooner or later.

My roommate on the other hand had been dating this girl for 3 years and just recently decided to break up. Honestly I was relieved coz I always thought that he had been holding him down, controlling his life way too much and sometimes it was really annoying to see how pussy whipped he was. So I thought, great, finally it's gonna be to two single 20-something guys, going around, picking up girls, succeeding, failing... living a life. Also, for some reason I thought, maybe we'd finally get the comfort zone higher, walk around naked around the house, jerk off in front of each other, bullshit around etc.

Couple of weeks later, I realized that he's getting serious with this girl... And that's when my problem started. I felt something, I have never felt for any guy before... jealousy... It manifested as strong anxiety every time I would see them or think about them together. I realized that my "gayness" just stepped up a notch. It could be that I am in love with him, or it could be just my fixation since I've met a guy who's apparently similar to me and I needed to see how far can this go. In any case, the anxiety just won't go away.

He saw something was wrong... I was becoming more distant and cold and when he'd ask me what was wrong I'd blame it on various stuff... school, this, that, whatever... but I was definitely not the same to him anymore...
Then I realized that by drifting apart I was behaving in a weird, and to him inexplicable way. So I decided to confess once again what's wrong with me.... I told him that I have issues coping with him getting together with this girl and that he was the reason. I told him I was hoping I could explore this curiosity with him. He replied that he was flattered but that he couldn't help me... So, after yet another long conversation, where I openly asked him if he would be comfortable being naked in front of me or jerking off with me, he said no. But to him, he said, that did not depend on sex and that he would be equally uncomfortable jerking off together with a female friend. So, this was kind of strange since couple of nights before he said something different. He said most he could help me was to go out one night to a gay bar and be my wingman. I told him that this was not what I wanted because I knew some of those places and if I really wanted to fool around, I would have done it long time ago. In the end I concluded that we are definitely in different places concerning this issue and even though he might be curious, he's definitely not ready to experiment.

Furthermore, since I know him, and I know how he works, it seemed to me that he could also have been overly empathic towards me and tried to make me feel more comfortable in this situation and that I mistook this empathy for an invitation. I have seen him doing that before to other people, and people like his empathy, but sometimes pretending to understand somebody or convincing himself that he understands somebody can lead to a disaster. These were my final words to him and I told him that I needed time to sort things in my head, that he shouldn't be surprised if I act strange, cold and distant and that I hope it would not come to that but that we could very well stop being friends after this. This is one of my old issues I'm working on, I tend to cut off people fairly easily.

In his situation, I will try my best not to do it, but the main reason why I decided to have that chat with him - to ease my anxiety, did not solve anything... I still wake up and go to sleep with a terrible gut feeling and I feel it especially when I hear him cheerfully talking to his now new gf on the phone. The worst thing is that I still somewhere deep down hope that he would come around, and I am afraid that I will cut him off especially because at this point I don't see how things can go back to where they were unless he doesn't.

I can understand the emotions you're going through, however , it is NEVER ever, ok to manipulate a person or situation. You've admitted to the guy being straight, but it seems you look for weaknesses to exploit in order to have your way with him. Just because he is accepting of gays does not mean he wants to do anything with you. If you were a true friend, you would respect the fact that he is dating someone and stop trying to play these games of trying to get him to be naked and jerk off around you. If you was dating this guy, you would be furious if you knew someone was trying to manipulate him in the same way. Im not saying your feelings aren't valid, but if you allow jealousy to overshadow friendship , then you're going to find yourself in and out of relationships with people. If I were you, i'd find someone who is single and willing to explore what you are looking for, and stop manipulating other people into doing things that they simply do not want to do.

 

[dreamer20]

I consider myself straight ...A year ago, I moved in with my present roommate because we decided to study together in another city.
I knew him for two years before that and ...he's straight. We became very good friends...
...this year, it has been so hectic with school that I barely had time to date. And also, when I'd go out, I was not in the mood to go through the entire meeting process just to get a girl in bed...Before even blinking, a year has gone by and I was still single wasn't really worried, coz I was doing ok single and on my own. No stress, no obligations, no drama. I knew that the right girl would come sooner or later.

we signed another year contract... secondly, we have a really great place in a cool neighborhood and I'd really hate to lose it... third, just the thought of moving out ...makes my head spin... and finally, we have this fairly tight community of friends...
so emotions aside, in this situation I have to think practically and not make any rash decisions...

he was away for couple of days recently and I have to say, my mood improved dramatically... I was socializing, going out, making friends and really enjoyed myself...
Right after he came back, the feeling of anxiety came back as well... we pretty much spend time in our own rooms, exchange some irrelevant chitchat if we catch each other in the kitchen and that's it... I know it's mostly me, coz he does ask me about my day, what's new and stuff like that, and I reply politely, but not really getting into discussions...

wonderwhy1 there is much for you to be happy with. You have the company of a number of friends to enjoy , accommodation to share with a very good friend in a great neighborhood and the ability to set dating aside in order to dedicate yourself to your studies. Continue a platonic relationship with your room mate, finding pleasure with your other friends and working to complete your course of study.