Self confidence... How do I get some?

[mephistopheles]

I am not fishing for compliments, I just need a few answers and a little advice.

Everywhere I go, anything I do, anyone I am around; no matter the situation I cannot find in a confidence in myself. I don't feel comfortable around my family or friends and quite frankly I have a hard time looking in the mirror or at pictures of myself.

I feel like an ugly, worthless, no good lump of scum that someone wouldn't even take the time to scrape off of the bottom of their shoe.

I feel worse about myself every single day that goes by and I don't know what to do.

I think it start 6 months ago or so, for the first time in years and years my brother and I became really good friends for a while. He asked if he could borrow some money (to pay some extra bills so he could move into a house and buy a car.) and just about as soon as he had that money spent he started ignoring me again and it's been the same ever since. Mostly everyone else I know has done or tried to do something like that to me.

When I look at people I know interacting with other people the love they have for that other person is always genuine and heartfelt, no one acts like that toward.

Not even my mother or father.

Has anyone else had to deal with this sort of thing? Maybe there is an aspect of my life I could be overlooking?

Anything, I am completely by myself everyday of my life.

 

[B_jeepguy2]

Hey Dude, I have felt that way before when I was clinically depressed. I also hated myself for my homosexual feelings as well. You need counseling man it is not normal to feel that way about yourself. Please get help.

 

[559533]

Any thoughts on getting a cat or a dog? After living by myself for 6 months I have noticed that coming home to an empty house is kind of depressing. Having a pet run up to you everyday so excited to see you come home really brightens my day even if it was kind of shitty. Also a dog/cat never judges you they just love to be around you no matter what you are doing. Just my .02¢, and I hope this helps!

 

[hung]

It can be very discouraging when a family member uses you for their personal gain.

It happens a lot. Been There and Done That.

In the end you have to focus on yourself and as the previous poster indicated, it may be time to seek out help. See your clergy person or a professional counsellor.

I wish you well.

 

[dongalong]

I used to be shy with little self esteem so I understand what you're going through.
I missed so many great opportunities because of it but I reached a time when I said to myself enough is enough!

I bought several books about boosting my confidence but above all the best advice to give you confidence in daily interactions is:

How to win friends and influence people by Dale Carnegie

When you read through, things he wrote about seem so obvious but the book makes you conscious of little details to think about such as a whole chapter devoted to smiling!

Once you have read the book a few times you start using his techniques and people will treat you differently and take more interest in you because you have become such a great listener (another chapter).

This book really was life changing for me and I still use the techniques, I am very popular now.

Another more difficult thing to do is to abandon the small world you have created in your mind and embrace reality.
I remember spending so much time worrying about what others were thinking about me, this is self destructive.

You need to start performing reality checks:
To do this try to "step out" of your mind and analyse the situation. Ask yourself questions about what is really happening and answer based on reality. This often means fighting your ego. But analysing peoples' body language will help you understand what the other person thinks about you.

Learning about body language also boosts your confidence since you learn to avoid people who will give you a cold response if you try to make contact. Someone showing positive body language signs will make you feel comfortable and boost your confidence, allowing you to be yourself.

Daring to be brave.
Once you have learnt how to win friends, read body language and have embraced reality, you will be able to create new opportunities for meeting new people and potential partners. Daring to randomly speak to someone showing positive body language will probably get a positive response which will boost your confidence enough to do it more and you will accept the reality of the situation if it doesn't (tell yourself he/she probably has a boyfriend) One technique that I learned from a pick up artist is to start a conversation within 3 seconds if you are in the position to do so with someone, this will avoid your mind talking you out of it or wasting time thinking of things to say so the first thing that enters your head is good enough even if it isn't hilarious or particularly interesting.

Avoid appearing needy.
Appearing needy is unattractive to most people, since needy people always want something (mainly attention), people get wise to such behaviour and either take advantage or avoid that person.
You need to try to make people want to do something and accept it if they don't and move on (do a reality check)

Appearance
You may have noticed that you get more attention from others depending on the type of clothes you wear. When you think you look good, it makes you feel good so making an effort with your wardrobe to only look good is important.

I hope these tips help!
Good luck!

 

[lucidbass]

I'm bipolar and when I'm depressed I feel much like you do and people treat me exactly like you're describing.... when I'm manic, I demand love and respect and I get it. I get it. Period.

Love yourself and people will love you. I suppose we've got a sixth sense for that shit. I can totally see why people wouldn't wanna deal with someone who hates himself. If the first impression they get from you is 'he clearly doesn't care about himself', why would they bother themselves?

If family ain't treatin' you right, don't bother with them. If friends don't care for you the moment you need them, they're not your friends. Stop investing too much energy in them. etc. Getting attached to people who can't give you what you need is a pointless waste of time.

Get help ASAP. You're too good to be feeling the way you do.

 

[jeff2982]

Hey man,

It sounds like you both lack confidence and are spending too much time with people who just don't treat you right. Both issues have been covered pretty well by posters before me, but I think I have something to add to the confidence question.

I don't think self-confidence exists, at least the way you think it does. Man, we're all scared, we all feel inadequate, pretty much all the time. The only way we really feel 'confident' is if we're doing the same shit we've done 1000 times before. If we're pushing our limits or trying something new, we're all scared shitless. That's the way it is.

To me, confidence is merely accepting the fact that anything worth doing, anyone worth being, is going to be scary, but getting over it. Not easy, I know.

You'll need to find your own way, but for me, I moved to a new city and had no friends and knew no one. I didn't really feel confident but I knew I didn't want to be alone... forever. So I made a game for myself. I started going out to bars and I decided that I would at least say hello to "the hottest person in the bar". Long story short (too late), I said hello to lots of hot guys, mostly, I got "hi, nice to meet you" and they walked away. Fine. I still talked to the hottest guy in the bar.

All I mean to say is, for me, and I think most of us, we don't talk about how scared we are because it's not attractive. But I think being a man means being scared but doing it anyway.

That's what people call confidence.

You might like artofmanliness.com there's a lot of good conversation there on this and similar topics.

All the best,

Jeff.

 

[Jfurgie189]

Hey just love you for you. I had very low confidence at the beginning of the year and nothing was going for me and I decided one day to just not care what other people think of me. I know who I am and what I want to do in life. Don't let anyone tell you that you are not good enough.

 

[D_Kay_Sarah_Sarah]

mephistopheles i know it can be hard 'getting help' when you already feel like shit and suspect that people think badly of you, but it does sound like you could use some serious help.

Until you get the courage/confidence to seek that help i suggest you set very small personal goals for yourself. Things like talk to someone you always walk straight past, help a stranger in the street, go somewhere (safe) that you have never been before.

Most important thing about these goals is they have to be about YOU accomplishing something for yourself, and not what someone does or doesn't do to/for you

 

[ColonialBoy]

I was going to say that sounds like depression but others beat me to it.

I became more self confident reading general psychology text and self help books. And takled to clinical psychologists. For whatever reason people start going off track. You need a balance of social/exercise/work/spiritual in your life.

Join a club that has lots of social interaction eg sporting club. If you joined say a soccer or football club your life would be full of friends and activities.

Know the difference between alpha male and beta male habits.

Every week go to some event you have never been before - car racing, rodeo, reggae concert, woodworking exhibition. Get out of your comfort zone.

Exercise 40+min a day.

Try reading about positive psychology, mindfulness and read "The Power of Now" and "seven Habits of Highly Effective People". I am from a physical science background and first though this is all a load of crap, now I am in a more enlightened state and continue finding more enlightenment from studying these.

Any thoughts on getting a cat or a dog? After living by myself for 6 months I have noticed that coming home to an empty house is kind of depressing.

The empty house isnt the problem and a pet isnt the answer. Imagine your nights filled with activity - learn salsa dancing, listen to live bands, dinner with friends etc.

You need some cognitive reframing. Ask a psychologist about behavioural therapy.

 

[cvcgolf]

I hate to sound completely superficial but I checked your pics.. You should hit the gym and try bulking up a bit.. Exercise is definitely good for the mind and spirit and once you gain muscle you'll be feeling more confident and you'll notice better treatment from others.. Most likely people won't be so quick to try to use you.. Also you won't be so quick to be a sucker.. Don't give anyone your cash!.. Instead, ask for theirs.. Listen to them tell you no.. Call your bro and tell him you need some cash.. Just ask for some small amount, $50.00.. You'll never want to be a sucker again..

When it comes to women.. I know this may sound crazy and difficult to even do, but treat all women as if they're guy friends.. In other words don't treat them special or baby them.. I learned this lesson myself.. I would be at a bar or party and end up speaking to some incredibly attractive women that I knew I had no chance in hell to be with.. So I didn't even try to impress them.. I just acted like they were regular people and no one special and spoke to them as if I was speaking to friends.. I was polite but I spoke to them as if I didn't care what they thought about me.. Next thing I knew they were asking me if I was single, asking me to dance and asking for my number.. Crazy!.. I treat all women as if they're one of the guys.. Succeeds more then fails..

Just keep this one thought in mind daily.. Say to yourself, "Don't be a Pussy!".. Apply this to everything in life.. Work, play, family.. Everything..

 

[VictorV]

Some people just have it naturally and others have to work hard to gain it.

Above posters have mentioned counseling, self-help or visiting a doctor and that might be necessary as a temporary measure or as a starting point but those are not the root cause.

There is one thing and one thing alone you can do to truly gain self-confidence: you must face challenges and overcome obstacles, making progress toward what you feel is success in your life. It's not a fix, it's a way of living.

That's how you learn to feel that you have power in your life and control over your place in the world. Your subconscious will follow along and your confidence will grow and you will fit better in your own skin.

Another essential element is regular physical activity. Our bodies are made to move and work hard and it feels good and is good for you in so many ways. Physical exercise doesn't just make your body stronger, it makes you feel more powerful inside. For anybody who thinks this isn't easy, you don't need a gym or expensive equipment or even good weather. You need nothing more than your bedroom and some simple equipment: A $30 medicine ball, a $10 exercise mat and a $40 weight plate with hand grips like this: http://bodybuilderfitness.com/library/york_barbell_35_lbs_urethane_encassed_iso_grip_weight_plates_w_bbf.JPG. Look on youtube for videos on how to use them. Ignore the temptation many people have of "all or nothing" i.e. "well I don't have time to be an olympian so what's the point?". Even 20 minutes a few times per week is a hundred times better than nothing.

The way people interact with you is in many ways a reflection of how you feel about yourself. The way you interpret how people interact with you is also strongly coloured by how you feel about yourself. As your confidence grows you will be able to demand more respect and to feel more positive about how people interact with you.

This lecture may also be of interest: How to be Happy | Gresham College

 

[Padad7]

Some people just have it naturally and others have to work hard to gain it.

Above posters have mentioned counseling, self-help or visiting a doctor and that might be necessary as a temporary measure or as a starting point but those are not the root cause.

There is one thing and one thing alone you can do to truly gain self-confidence: you must face challenges and overcome obstacles, making progress toward what you feel is success in your life. It's not a fix, it's a way of living.

That's how you learn to feel that you have power in your life and control over your place in the world. Your subconscious will follow along and your confidence will grow and you will fit better in your own skin.

Another essential element is regular physical activity. Our bodies are made to move and work hard and it feels good and is good for you in so many ways. Physical exercise doesn't just make your body stronger, it makes you feel more powerful inside. For anybody who thinks this isn't easy, you don't need a gym or expensive equipment or even good weather. You need nothing more than your bedroom and some simple equipment: A $30 medicine ball, a $10 exercise mat and a $40 weight plate with hand grips like this: http://bodybuilderfitness.com/libra...ane_encassed_iso_grip_weight_plates_w_bbf.JPG. Look on youtube for videos on how to use them. Ignore the temptation many people have of "all or nothing" i.e. "well I don't have time to be an olympian so what's the point?". Even 20 minutes a few times per week is a hundred times better than nothing.

The way people interact with you is in many ways a reflection of how you feel about yourself. The way you interpret how people interact with you is also strongly coloured by how you feel about yourself. As your confidence grows you will be able to demand more respect and to feel more positive about how people interact with you.

This lecture may also be of interest: How to be Happy | Gresham College

Well said Mr. V....
It's all about being healthy and feeling good about yourself and that will show through. Even incremental improvements; losing 3 pounds, adding an inch to your chest, losing an inch from your waist, 5 minutes more on the run/treadmill... They are all huge victoiries to celebrate and to use as motivation. Everyone has the power to make whatever change they need to make...

 

[D_Blevitt Buttkicker]

i was in a similar situation, and the answers so far are all correct: hit the gym, u already have a good body and face, your cock is big, so go out and fuck a lot. i think i got out of a (light) depression bulking up and having lots of sex. hot body and a big cock = perfect recipe to feel good about yourself. good luck dude

 

[davidjh7]

My friend, I have suffered EXACTLY the same as you, feelings, the people using me, etc. and it has been going on most of my life. I'd like to hot on a few points about myself, thatmay be useful to you. First, I have been diagnosed with Dystemia, which is basically a life long moderate to severe clinical depression. I can not remember a time in my life when I felt happy or good for more than a few days at a time. I have spent a lifetime helping and sacrificing for others who don't appreciate it, and once they have gotten the help they want, forget about me until the next time they want something. I have done it over and over in order to try and find some worth to my life, some validation, as well as trying to "do good". The users of the world, including family, are attracted to people like us as easy targets. They begin expecting you to always sacrifice for them, with nothing in return. And we often keep doing it, lookign for validation. As far as physically, you are a BEAUTIFUL young man, and I know turn heads. But your demon, your depression won;t let you see it. People can tell you all day and night you are hot, gorgeous, hung, amazing, and you still won;t believe it, because your depression is like a living thing, fighting for survival, and tells you it is all lies, and that you are worthless. You are NOT worthless! We all ened some external validation, because we are human, and social creatures. And we need self validation, to build on. I understand the catch 22 situation---you stay alone, so you don;t get used, until you are dying of lonliness, then you seek out people, and get used, and treated like crap, until you pull back in a shell, and the cycle repeats. There are people who can and will care about YOU, and want to help you be happy. They may not be family. Maybe anti depressants can help you, maybe professional counciling, but it HAS to start with this truth: You have to truly WANT to be happy, and you have to BELIEVE it is POSSIBLE for you to be happy. I can give you something you can do right now, that truly can help you start on a new path. Take a piece of paper, and write down the good things in your life. As many as you can think of. Tomorrow, add one thing to that list. And keep going. YOu will be suprised once oyu force yourself to recognize them, ho many good things there are in your life. I know there are many bad things, and I am not saying be a polyanny and naiive about the way life is, but you have to fight your inner demon by recognizing the good in life as well as the bad. Once you see there are things worth believing in, and fighting for, you are ready to start taking the steps to finding your own self confidence and happiness. And once you are along that path, suddenly, people will start recognizing your confidence, your worth, and giving you positive feedback and validation. I hve read your posts for years, watched you grow. And while it likely means nothing coming from me, I can tell you, with 100% certainty, you ARE an amazing, beautiful, sexy, intellegent sweet, funny, expressive and very special and worthy young man. I can cite many reasons why, and when you are ready to start believing I will. I am always open to talk about it, and understand. It is a hard road, but killing your demon by learning to love and appreciate yourself is a definately worth it. I believe in you, and believe you have what it takes to overcome the shit. And I stand ready to help you in any way I can. Hit me up if you want to talk about it. I wish you only the best!

 

[dolfette]

it's sad when people who obviously have a lot to offer have so little faith in themselves...

therapy. it's a liberating experience.

 

[AM_092]

Start living your life for yourself and not for others.

I'm young and slowly learning as well.

Learn to love yourself and being in your own company. I enjoy time by myself because I love who I am and I don't need to be around my friends and family 24/7.

 

[helgaleena]

Dear Mephistopheles,

I too have times when I feel as if I am worthy of being scraped off a shoe. It comes from having your center not centered, but rather letting external standards dictate your center. The following exercises are a quick fix that will get you through until you take the next breath and realize that you are not dropping dead for a while yet, so life continues.

Massage the centers of your palms, one hand rubbing into the deepest part of the other.

Sit comfortably with eyes closed and find your center, somewhere inside your own body. Use your breaths to nudge it into the place that feels best, usually your heart or behind your eyes.

Try to stop breathing and realize you can't. There is always a next breath.

Rub your chest with your right hand, in the 'pledge of allegiance' area, in a circular motion, while forgiving yourself for any shortcomings you think of. This stimulates lymphatic drainage.

If you must cry, let the tears run, let them clog your nose up, whatever, and go to sleep. When you wake up you will be amazed at how different the light is than when you went to sleep. That is the river of time.

Then go see a therapist or a pastor in other ways get help for your depression.