What do I do?

[D_mingba079]

To start off I'm only 21, so I'm sure most of you will say that I shouldn't really care since I'm so young, but here's the story

I met this girl my junior year of high school, I am a year older than her. It took us about a month for us to begin talking and we eventually became really close friends, I was never really a big talker and she would call me non-stop and want to talk for hours and hours and I was not used to this at all. To say she was obsessed with me would be a understatement, she would even come over to my house unexpected and just be like hey wuts up. Well this really creeped me out so I ignored her for about three months. Well I finally apologized for ignoring her and we became close again. She called me her best friend and all that. Well that summer between my jr and sr year I asked her out and of course she said yes. We did all the normal high school boyfriend girlfriend things like going to dances and so on. I am the type that is really mellow and have a good head on my shoulders. She is wilder. We both never drank or did anything you would call inmoral. Well about 8 months in we broke up. She said we were going too fast and that she wanted to know what other guys are like (I was her first boyfriend). Going too fast? Eight months and we never had sex, we were both virgins, and I didn’t really care because she was such a great girl and I really loved her. Well even though we weren't together I still asked her to my sr prom and we went and that was about it. Summer came and almost to the day I asked her out, she got asked out by some other guy.

The fact is she changed so much since I went out with her. She now drank, partied and all that. At the beginning when her boyfriend would leave town she would call me to hangout, pretty much hangout with the ex behind his back. I stayed friends with all of her friends so I knew how she was doing and so on. Well three months into the relationship I found out that she and her new boyfriend had sex. And im guessing like most guys would at that age, I flipped out because I spent 8 months with her and nothing, but this guy gets 3 months. For a period of time I didn't talk to her at all, but then suddenly we started to hangout, I was even with her when midnight rolled around on her birthday.

We started to do things that we did when we were a couple like go snowboarding and hockey games, we even went to a school dance together (behind her current boyfriends back, but he eventually found out). We even went on two 3-day weekend trips alone to two other states and slept in a hotel, but separate beds, but she told her boyfriend she was with a girl friend of hers. The girl eventually ended up cheating (had sex) on her boyfriend and even told me about it. Her boyfriend eventually dumped her because he said she's still in love with me, which led her to stop talking to me.

Then it came to summer 2008 and once again she was back with the guy. However know we hung out and talked all the time, whenever she was working and I was free she would ask me to come down and visit her and we would talk for hours and go to dinner and so on. The summer came to an end and she had to go away for her first year of college. We texted each other every couple of weeks, and then that became about every month or so. Throughout this time she continued to have a off and on relationship with the guy. Well this march (2009) rolled around and she broke it off with the guy and it was a pretty bad ending with a lot of fighting between the two.

And like clockwork she started talking to me again. She would come home every couple weekends and when she would be home we would hangout, she wouldn’t even tell her “bestfriend” that she was home. She was seeing a guy from her school and I knew this, however one day she texted me and was saying she wasn’t too happy and so on, however she didn’t want to talk about it, so it was obviously about a guy. Well I later learned that earlier that day she found out that the guy she was seeing had been talking and hanging out with his ex and was lien about it. Well since then about every week or so we talked briefly and she came home several times and we hungout. She even brought her friend home with her from school one weekend and we all hungout. I visited her at school for a couple hours one day and when I left we did something that we hadn’t done since we were together, we hugged. Most of you will probably just laugh and say a hug is just a hug however once we broke up she didn’t even want me to touch her hand let alone give her a hug.

So here I am now. She comes home just about every weekend from school because she has a job over here and we hangout just about every other weekend. I am basically the only friend that she hangs out with when she comes home, even though she has several “bestfriends” here. When she was with the guy I was single and she would almost brag to me that she was with somebody, always asking if I was with a girl and so on. However ever since she’s single she never ever brings up my dating life or asks questions about girls I might be seeing at the time. However I will almost always ask how her current fling is or what her guy situation is and she basically vents the problems to me. She even gets mad when we are with people and a friend of mine brings up a girls name that I might be seeing at that time. She has really changed how she acts around me as well, when she was with the guy she was basically a b**ch to me, however ever since she has been a sweetheart to me and is basically treating me the same as when we were together.

Obviously I still love the girl a lot, but I am trying to figure out what she wants from me. I know that she has had a handful of sexual partners, even some that she didn’t know (im guessing she was drunk). And lately I have been upset/disappointed that we never had sex even though she has no problem doing it now, it’s kinda the “why are they so special” thing. It ticks me off because we are pretty close now and the fact that we get along great you would think that sex might come but for some reason she wants nothing to do with me in that way. I am not ugly or fat, obviously because we were together at a time.

What does it seem like to you? She wants to get closer with me again? Stay friends? Or what?

Thanks!

 

[formerex]

I'm in a similar situation, but yours seems different for one reason. I and a few other guys I'm friends with have that one, you know? The girl you were with or never got to be with but something was always there kiinda thing. I was with this girl at two separate times but it never really worked out and we never had sex. She's had a series of very serious boyfriends since then, and she's certain she'll marry every one of them hah. I've gotten over it quite a bit, but it still bothers me.

What I'm getting at is that she sees you as the guy she won't get over or doesn't want to share, but at the same time she's moved on physically. If you're both single and have feelings for each other, it makes clear sense for one of you to act on it. You see each other frequently and you have unfinished business.

The whole sex thing? My girl has sex all the time with her boyfriend, and I don't even want to hear or think about it. I wish I could just get into something with someone else, but it isn't as meaningful, so it never feels serious. Just because the girl you're talking about has been with other guys so casually doesn't mean it can't be special between you two.

Good luck, don't avoid an opportunity with her that you may not get again.

 

[rob_]

She seems like she gives a lot of mixed signals.
I would take a chance on it, if you still have feelings for her. So much has happened between you and you are still on good terms. Even if she doesn't feel the same, I don't think it will cause a terrible strain in your relationship.

Don't be upset that she never had sex with you. First of all, sex really changes the dynamic of a relationship. Don't think "why are the guys she was with so special." Consider them less special than you are, because she may not be willing to risk changing her relationship with you, when she really doesn't care very much about the guys she has been with.
Also, a lot happened between the two of you. When you were together, the problem was that you were young and inexperienced and she probably wasn't ready. And now the issue is the timing. It seems like you get close with her everytime she breaks up, but you don't want to be a rebound or a back-up.

 

[sexplease]

personally, I think you deserve better. Like someone who loves you. Not someone who craves attention from a passive chump who will listen to her drone on about her self-chosen miseries and stroke her youthful insecurities.
You may love her, but really, do you like being treated as the "back-up" man when her other relationships fail or on the rocks.
You deserve someone who cherishes you, forsaking all others.

What should you do? that's up up you.
Stay friends? Sure, I'm all for fostering friendships because we learn much about others and often a whole lot about ourselves.

 

[D_mingba079]

It seems like you get close with her everytime she breaks up, but you don't want to be a rebound or a back-up.

Exactly. She always calls me when she needs something or needs to talk about an issue whether its the guy she is seeing or something else. Like I said before for an entire summer she had me come visit her at work for almost the entire day (8 hours) on both saturday and sundays rather then her boyfriend come down and see her. Sometimes I feel like I read too much into things, such as when she asked me to her school dance rather then her boyfriend, she flatout told me she would be embarassed to go with her boyfriend. Or the whole seeing her at work, she wanted me there and not her boyfriend, to me it seems like she prefers me over him. But time and time again it just seems like that means absolutely nothing to her

 

[D_Doe_Ray_Mi]

I have older sisters and learned, really well, how to relate to girls. That had two effects. One, I got a lot of attention from chicks. Two, that I'd end up having these frustrating platonic relationships with girls who were great friends, I'd want to fuck, but we both would be afraid that if we transitioned the friendship to sexual that the friendship might be at risk if it didn't work. This was the story of my life. If I had it to do over again knowing what I know now, I'd take the risk and go for it. Good luck!

 

[Incocknito]

You have learned that girls is crazy. Its a hard lesson to learn but one that every man should know.

Don't worry about why she didn't put out for you. Maybe next time you need to be more forward and take the dominant role regarding sex.

But what you need to do is keep yourself busy / active and go out with your friends. When you find someone new you will forget about the ex.

Also, do you want a girlfriend who drinks, etc like the ex does?

 

[D_mingba079]

Two, that I'd end up having these frustrating platonic relationships with girls who were great friends, I'd want to fuck, but we both would be afraid that if we transitioned the friendship to sexual that the friendship might be at risk if it didn't work.

I am exactly the same way. Other then the girl I have been talking about (my ex) I have four other female friends who I am very close with and have known for years. I have never done anything with them and have always been just friends. They all have boyfriends and they all hate my guts, it's not because I try to get with their girl or anything either. I always joke about hooking up with them and they always say no and that it would ruin the friendship and so on.

 

[D_mingba079]

Also, do you want a girlfriend who drinks, etc like the ex does?

I have always said that I dont want to be her boyfriend again right now, for many reasons mainly because she's away at school and so on. However once shes done with school and settles down I wouldn't have a problem.

Right now I just want our relationship to get closer, maybe the whole friends with benefits thing. I guess what pisses me off is that all of my friends when they break up with their boy/girl they either continue a sexual relationship with that person for awhile or they get back together a few weeks later. And the same is with this girl, her and her ex broke up and got back together like 5 times, however we never got back together. She always will throw away the guy whether its her ex or some little fling however I have always been the one that she never threw away, she keeps me there but nothing even close to sexual has come out of it.

 

[helgaleena]

Why are these crazy girls unable to have sex with a friend? Why are there so many of them? Why is there this disconnect between friendship and sex?

I am shocked to hear about this. All my life I have thought that if a man was my friend he would simply love to have sex as well. Because I would-- with girlfriends as well. Although girls willing to have sex with me were far fewer.

This thread makes me feel like a very strange bird indeed, who was not taught something that these other females know somehow-- that one cannot be friends with a lover.

Is this how men feel about their male friends too? I am shocked, really I am....

 

[D_mingba079]

Any other advice guys/gals? Thanks

 

[ericbythebay]

It sounds like she is playing the field and you are waiting for her. I wouldn't end the friendship, but you need to tone it down and move on. It sounds like this relationship is preventing you from having other relationships.

If she admits that she has lied to her boyfriends when she sees you, why do you think she won't lie or hasn't lied to you?

When she wants to hang out, if you tell her you are seeing someone else and can't what do you think her reaction would be?

 

[rob_]

it sounds like she is playing the field and you are waiting for her. I wouldn't end the friendship, but you need to tone it down and move on. It sounds like this relationship is preventing you from having other relationships.

If she admits that she has lied to her boyfriends when she sees you, why do you think she won't lie or hasn't lied to you?

When she wants to hang out, if you tell her you are seeing someone else and can't what do you think her reaction would be?

titcr.

 

[D_mingba079]

It sounds like she is playing the field and you are waiting for her. I wouldn't end the friendship, but you need to tone it down and move on. It sounds like this relationship is preventing you from having other relationships.

When she wants to hang out, if you tell her you are seeing someone else and can't what do you think her reaction would be?

I've had a couple other flings since her, not actual girlfriends but just flings I guess. My problem is I am pretty shy so going out and trying to find a girl is kind of difficult for me. Whenever I'm done with the current fling there she is again and I'm back to her

THere have been times when shes contacted me and wanted to do something and I have been with a girl (not just a friend) and I told her I can't hangout and her response is kind of a sad/disappointed "oh ok". Like I said before, when we would hangout with a group of people and somebody would bring up a girl I might be seeing she gets really quiet and kind of upset/sad. One time she just flat-out asked if I could take her home, one we got done talking about the girl...

 

[SpeedoMike]

seems like she is using you when her preferred dude isn't around. everything is about her; does she give you a chance to talk or is it all about her.

in a situation like this, I would cut your losses and get out in the world, loose your shyness, and have more friends. who knows, a friend can become more than that. but you have to meet the person in the first place.

 

[helgaleena]

Sorry I did not respond more constructively before. IF she can manage to listen, lay out your true feelings to her. Explain that you want to try sex with her and if she cannot imagine such a thing, dump time. If this is friendship, it is too one-sided right now. Its unequal energy exchange is hurting you.

 

[D_mingba079]

seems like she is using you when her preferred dude isn't around. everything is about her; does she give you a chance to talk or is it all about her..

When she first starting seeing the guy it was like I disappeared off the face of the earth but once we started to hang again I have always been there. There have been times that I haven't seen her for like a month or so because of school or work but then there are times we hangout 5 times in a week.

She does give me a chance to talk so it's not all her. In fact I will actually ask about her current guy situation and she hasn't asked me about my girl situation since they broke up last year.

I think I just give too much meaning or importance to things. Such as her wanting me to some see her at work rather then him. Her asking me to a school dance when she was obviously going out with the other guy. But I guess it really means nothing in her eyes????

 

[helgaleena]

Bigman, the one who can answer these questions is her. A true friend is willing to listen when you have a problem, and that is what you do for her. Allow her to do the same for you and see what happens.

 

[RubberHarley]

She's not your friend..... she's your sister.

 

[dolfette]

she was bored! tied in a long term relationship without any of the fun. like being an elderly married couple.