I have been out and went back in. My reasoning is because of dissapointment. My parents have pretty much given me everything in my life that I have ever needed or wanted (not meaning I'm spoiled as such, but just that I have had a very good upbringing). I thought that I liked guys when I first started puberty, I tried to deny it and reason with it, but eventually accepted it in my own mind that it was who I was. I looked up plenty of porn in secret on the computer, but what I didn't know about was the history or temporary files. A month before I turned 15, I came out to my mother while in the car home, I swear she nearly would have crashed if there were more traffic around. I had only said it because they were giving advice to a gay guy about sexual problems on the radio and I just couldn't hold back, it was completely unexpected that I did it. She responded really strangely and soon wondered off the topic, I don't know if she was shocked or what, but she isn't a person who would hate you for anything so I didn't need to worry about that. When we got home I went straight to my room and stayed there, about an hour later my dad came in. My mum had told my dad what I said an he freaked, he came from a large Irish Catholic family which obviously has some hold over how he thinks. He tried to rationalise it and tell me that I wasn't, he didn't understand and he was really upset, I was really upset, the whole issue at hand was just bad news. Over the next couple of months I had my internet access limited (dad knew about the porn sites), my dad would frequently come and have chats with me which were the worst ever, and there was constant tension between me and my parents. The problem for me was that they were upset, my dad was very obviously distressed and depressed about it, he would be very distant and not talk to me. My parents would fight a lot downstairs and it usually resulted in one of them crying, I felt the most horrible guilt over what I had caused. My mum was weird about it too, she had a cousin who she lost to AIDS and he was gay. She was worried that I would be bashed or catch a disease, or just generally have a difficult time in school and in life if I was gay. I asked her if dad hated me over this and she said no, but he thinks that it was his fault for raising me this way and that maybe he should leave us. I know it isn't my dads fault, it isn't anyones fault, it just happens because it isn't anyones choice to make. I tried to explain this to dad but he doesn't believe that due to his upbringing. He tried to rationalise it so much, he blamed himself so much and I could see that it was tearing him and my family apart. Both my parents have a history of depression, and I am no exception, and this was just making it worse. The thing with my parents however is that their emotions make them say things which they soon forget about and ignore later. My parents managed to get over it and forget about it. I didn't, I still felt guilty, I still felt nervous and embarassed and ashamed around them. No one said anything about it, and I wasn't sure if they still suspected it or not, but I still had the feelings inside me. I had told my 2 closest friends about how I thought I was gay. They didn't really care either way. One of them forgot on a periodical basis that I had ever told him and I had to really reinforce it to him. I still know him now and I think he wouldn't remember. So basically I had no one to discuss these things with, no supportive community. The only way I knew how to get information about being gay was the internet. To make things worse, I went back to me bad habits of looking up porn as well while I was browsing other things. This only led to being caught looking several times by my mum or brother and me claiming it was a dirty pop-up message. But when me dad caught me at 4AM in the morning trying to hide it, I knew I was busted. This was a few months before I turned 16, about I year sonce I had last come out. The same thing happened over again, dad's anger and depression, the talks trying to rationalise it and the internet ban. This time my dad went furthur and talked to out family GP about it, who he was also getting help for his depression (not like I was helping by what I was doing). I went and had a chat with the GP who deemed it as totally normal if I felt okay with it (which I wasn't sure if I was or not), but I have no idea what he told my dad (which only serves to complicate these things). The GP asked if I wanted to see a psychiatrist as it would really help to relieve my dad (also my dad wanted my to see someone because of my belief in the paranormal which he also found websites about that I had looked up). The GP wanted me to see an adult psychiatrist because he thought the situation needed it and because I was mature enough to explain my problems to one. But the guy refused to see me because I was under 18 and I saw a child psychologist instead. I also managed to get a recommendation to the urologist because it was at this time I realised I was having sexual problems. The psychologist pretty much found nothing, only slight OCD, but she had a chat with my parents in my last session and she mentioned something about my dads depression (he must have told her about it). After seeing the psychologist, the same thing happened, my parents completely forgot about the problem. I had my unsuccessful surgery on my penis (see my other thread for more info about this), and started looking up porn again. Dad caught me again and freaked and this started the whole situation again with the yelling at the talks and the depression. This situation was going nowhere, my dad refused to budge on the issue and I was just getting more confused about my sexuality physically, mentally and emotionally. Yet again, the issue blew over and was forgotten. I was about 16 and a half when that particular event occured. I still secretly kept looking up porn (I now have my own laptop which makes things easier in a way) and I had a few gay friends at school who I could talk to about things. Those 3 were to the only guys in school who knew I was gay. Some people might have thought I was because I hung around with them, but others just thought I was the straight one in the group. Regardless, at the beginning of 2006 that group of friends showed they weren't to be trusted and fortunately I hadn't invested anything too deep with them. Yet for the rest of 2006 I made new friends who still don't know I'm gay ( actually one or 2 might know I'm bisexual becuase of stuff I said when I was really drunk). This leads me to now where I am a week from turning 19, still not officially out to my parents, my friends or even myself really. I am back in the closet for the third time and have no plans of coming out again anytime soon, but I know I will have to come out eventually. This post does have a point besides being a random story. The reason it is hard for me to come out is my knowledge of how much I am hurting my parents who have done so much for me. My being gay makes me feel like I am punishing them for their love they have showed me. That makes me feel eternally guilty. The reason it is a common problem is a lack of support. In a minority, you usually have the minority status in common with people automatically. Black people having black families (unless you are adopted) which can understand and empathise with racism. Peoples religions such as Islam and Judaism are usually a religion they are brought up with in their family, and when they are made victims of bigotry or prejudice, then they can turn to that same family who again can empathise and understand. For gay people, it is a different minority. Your parents are unlikely to be gay themselves, and so it makes it difficult to have that support network you need when you come out. If the people you turn to for support are the same people who are attacking you, then this is a big problem. Sure you can make gay friends to support you, but this can be a catch 22 whereby you may need to make mention you are gay for other people to do the same, which can always have negative results. Coming out is a big risk, especailly if you are young and dependant on your parents. Coming out can be a big risk too if you are older and have an established position in life, in can, unfortunately, change how coworkers and close friends may feel about you and the fact you didn't come out to them straight earlier if you have known them for quite some time. I really want to come out, but it seems I will need to go through so much more before that.
