Mrs. biguy arrived home from work and I was waiting for her. Once she’d had a chance to calm down from her busy day, I took her by the hand and asked her to come with me to the bedroom. It’s quite strange because since the night when I outed myself to her, it’s become a habit for us to either sit on our bed or lie side by side while having heart to hearts.
She's been aware that I am having a lot of deep discussions with EagleCowboy and it’s been helpful to me, so I pretty much told her that of late he has alerted me to fact that at some stage I may find myself “acting out” on my bisexuality, that I’m being a control freak which needs to end and that I’d better prepare myself for divorce because it could just end up that way. I told her about my telling Simon that if I were gay and single, I’d be breaking down his door; how he voiced his concerns about how things may turn out; that I’d painted the bleakest picture with the hope of making him aware of the risks involved because of my being bi and that he is free to tell me to scram if he needs to. I also told her that I’d said that if we ever “slipped up” I wouldn’t feel guilty about it and I explained why: I would not be looking for it or encouraging it to happen, that it would happen because I am bi and that I have beaten myself up enough about it. It would have happened because I am bi but I’d be grateful that it would come from a place of love and not using each other’s bodies. Much to my surprise, she agreed with me and said that I shouldn’t feel guilty if it happened in that way. I also told her that I wouldn’t tell if her it did. I do not advertise the details of our sexual relations and I would not be willing to treat that experience with less dignity and respect than that with which I treat ours. I also wouldn’t be willing to tell her because if it were to happen, she may feel differently and expect me to feel guilty, and because I wouldn’t, she’d be hurt. However, if it were to happen again or if I realised that I needed for it to become a part of my life, then I most certainly would tell her without any hesitation. She is fine with my not telling her unless it becomes necessary to do so.
I made her aware that there are parts of me that can and will only belong to her – no man will ever be able to claim it for himself or make it diminish in any way. At the same time, there are parts of me that can only belong to a man and much as both of us may try, it can only belong to him. She can never have all of me, but it doesn’t make my love for her any less than that of another man. In fact, I think that it’s much stronger because of her willingness to accept so much of me.
I then moved onto my fear and my being a control freak. I spoke about how I’ve been living in fear with a constant sense of walking on eggshells – to the point of not living any more but existing to control things. I am petrified of inflicting any pain or devastation upon her life. It would be unforgivable. She has been a wife beyond compare and I live with the guilt in knowing that she’s gotten a raw deal – she has ended up with a husband who is entirely different to what she had expected him to be. It simply isn’t fair on her, most especially since she’s at risk of having less of a marriage than she deserves and the risk of encountering pain is just too high. Also, if it ever came to it and I needed to have sex with a man on a regular basis, I would never dare impose such a request on her life. With all of this in mind, is it in her best interests to continue investing both, herself and her life in me and our marriage? I then suggested that we start to seriously consider getting divorced.
She told me that she is only willing to get divorced for one reason and one reason alone: If I happen to fall in love with a guy and my love for him is stronger, then she’d want for me to be with him…however, since her first telling me this, she has come to see that it wouldn’t work out that way. Other than that we’ll cross those bridges when we get there…so I’d better stop controlling and start to live. End of talk.
A while later I went back to her because I still felt as if things still hadn’t been resolved properly. I told her as much. She wanted to know why and I told her that it’s unsettling to live with “crossing bridges….”. The risks are still the same and I still don’t feel as if I am able to give myself permission to live. “This crossing the bridges” approach is almost like my giving her a butcher’s knife and encouraging her to chop away, she pauses and asks what will happen if she chops off her thumb, and my response is “Don’t worry, we’ll cross that bridge when we get there.” I aint gonna chop with any old knife unless I know that you can stitch my thumb back if I accidently slice and dice it. She agreed but told me that it’s just way up there in the air to be able to offer anything better than that. ME: “Okay, let’s take it out of the clouds and bring it right here today. I am asking you right here and right now, if it ever comes to it, am I able to have sex with a man that I love?” HER: “Go for it…and enjoy it.” (What did she just say? Is this Candid Camera?) She then told me that we have overcome so many obstacles since we’d been together, she knows in her heart that we will be able to come up with a solution if things ever come to it. She then got ahead of herself and wanted to know if it would be a case of my spending a week with her and a week with him. I told her that now I realise what she meant when she said that it’s “up there in the clouds”. All that I could offer is that I didn’t think that it would work like that. What I would like for her to know is that she would always be my first priority in my life. I know just how great a demand it has been for her to have a bisexual husband, and her willingess to accept a life of sharing me with a man is such a great sacrifice, I can only respond with even deeper love and commitment to her. Regardless of how great a man I may encounter and how much he loves me, the scales will always tip in her favour. She told me that there’s no ways that she wants to get caught up in threesomes and I offered my own relief that she doesn’t.
She has since asked a lot of questions about things including anal sex between men. My cheeks are ever glowing but we’re talking and it’s good, very good. I have told her that I will never be able to bed hop – all of this can only come about if I ever happen to meet a man and we grow to love and respect each other in such a way, that we’d eventually need to express it sexually as well. I am not willing to settle for less nor am I willing to put her at risk of disease or death.
She's been aware that I am having a lot of deep discussions with EagleCowboy and it’s been helpful to me, so I pretty much told her that of late he has alerted me to fact that at some stage I may find myself “acting out” on my bisexuality, that I’m being a control freak which needs to end and that I’d better prepare myself for divorce because it could just end up that way. I told her about my telling Simon that if I were gay and single, I’d be breaking down his door; how he voiced his concerns about how things may turn out; that I’d painted the bleakest picture with the hope of making him aware of the risks involved because of my being bi and that he is free to tell me to scram if he needs to. I also told her that I’d said that if we ever “slipped up” I wouldn’t feel guilty about it and I explained why: I would not be looking for it or encouraging it to happen, that it would happen because I am bi and that I have beaten myself up enough about it. It would have happened because I am bi but I’d be grateful that it would come from a place of love and not using each other’s bodies. Much to my surprise, she agreed with me and said that I shouldn’t feel guilty if it happened in that way. I also told her that I wouldn’t tell if her it did. I do not advertise the details of our sexual relations and I would not be willing to treat that experience with less dignity and respect than that with which I treat ours. I also wouldn’t be willing to tell her because if it were to happen, she may feel differently and expect me to feel guilty, and because I wouldn’t, she’d be hurt. However, if it were to happen again or if I realised that I needed for it to become a part of my life, then I most certainly would tell her without any hesitation. She is fine with my not telling her unless it becomes necessary to do so.
I made her aware that there are parts of me that can and will only belong to her – no man will ever be able to claim it for himself or make it diminish in any way. At the same time, there are parts of me that can only belong to a man and much as both of us may try, it can only belong to him. She can never have all of me, but it doesn’t make my love for her any less than that of another man. In fact, I think that it’s much stronger because of her willingness to accept so much of me.
I then moved onto my fear and my being a control freak. I spoke about how I’ve been living in fear with a constant sense of walking on eggshells – to the point of not living any more but existing to control things. I am petrified of inflicting any pain or devastation upon her life. It would be unforgivable. She has been a wife beyond compare and I live with the guilt in knowing that she’s gotten a raw deal – she has ended up with a husband who is entirely different to what she had expected him to be. It simply isn’t fair on her, most especially since she’s at risk of having less of a marriage than she deserves and the risk of encountering pain is just too high. Also, if it ever came to it and I needed to have sex with a man on a regular basis, I would never dare impose such a request on her life. With all of this in mind, is it in her best interests to continue investing both, herself and her life in me and our marriage? I then suggested that we start to seriously consider getting divorced.
She told me that she is only willing to get divorced for one reason and one reason alone: If I happen to fall in love with a guy and my love for him is stronger, then she’d want for me to be with him…however, since her first telling me this, she has come to see that it wouldn’t work out that way. Other than that we’ll cross those bridges when we get there…so I’d better stop controlling and start to live. End of talk.
A while later I went back to her because I still felt as if things still hadn’t been resolved properly. I told her as much. She wanted to know why and I told her that it’s unsettling to live with “crossing bridges….”. The risks are still the same and I still don’t feel as if I am able to give myself permission to live. “This crossing the bridges” approach is almost like my giving her a butcher’s knife and encouraging her to chop away, she pauses and asks what will happen if she chops off her thumb, and my response is “Don’t worry, we’ll cross that bridge when we get there.” I aint gonna chop with any old knife unless I know that you can stitch my thumb back if I accidently slice and dice it. She agreed but told me that it’s just way up there in the air to be able to offer anything better than that. ME: “Okay, let’s take it out of the clouds and bring it right here today. I am asking you right here and right now, if it ever comes to it, am I able to have sex with a man that I love?” HER: “Go for it…and enjoy it.” (What did she just say? Is this Candid Camera?) She then told me that we have overcome so many obstacles since we’d been together, she knows in her heart that we will be able to come up with a solution if things ever come to it. She then got ahead of herself and wanted to know if it would be a case of my spending a week with her and a week with him. I told her that now I realise what she meant when she said that it’s “up there in the clouds”. All that I could offer is that I didn’t think that it would work like that. What I would like for her to know is that she would always be my first priority in my life. I know just how great a demand it has been for her to have a bisexual husband, and her willingess to accept a life of sharing me with a man is such a great sacrifice, I can only respond with even deeper love and commitment to her. Regardless of how great a man I may encounter and how much he loves me, the scales will always tip in her favour. She told me that there’s no ways that she wants to get caught up in threesomes and I offered my own relief that she doesn’t.
She has since asked a lot of questions about things including anal sex between men. My cheeks are ever glowing but we’re talking and it’s good, very good. I have told her that I will never be able to bed hop – all of this can only come about if I ever happen to meet a man and we grow to love and respect each other in such a way, that we’d eventually need to express it sexually as well. I am not willing to settle for less nor am I willing to put her at risk of disease or death.
