Cheaters/abusers

[D_Vladimir Jurkov]

What's the deal with girls taking back men who cheat on them? All I know is that they love the person for legit reasons and want to believe that it can work. But really, I can't imagine the good outweighing the bad. What baffles me beyond belief is the multiple cheaters who have been given second and third chances and STILL get taken back. WHAT THE FUCK?! There are wonderful guys out there who haven't ever had their FIRST chance, and these girls go back to guys who have proven themselves as lacking proper understanding of the word faithful?
I'm rather young (23 next month,) but I have yet to know or hear of a woman who doesn't give her "man" a second chance. A girl in one of my classes even admitted to the whole room (it was a small, personal class) that she took back her boyfriend after he cheated on her 10 times. I know that's her problem but please, say it isn't so - is this the majority of the female race? Like I said, I haven't known or heard of any woman who considers this selfish act intolerable and kicked him to the curb for good after one screw-up. Even in the media...don't get me started on Tiger Woods...

The worst of all is the cheaters who are also abusers and get multiple chances, and say that they have "changed." Do abusers ever really change? Even after being taken back and going back to their old ways?

Sorry if this is the wrong forum - I was debating putting this into "Relationships..." but what I am looking for is for feedback from the females here about what they would do in such or situation, or unfortunately, have BEEN in such a situation.

 

[petite]

I don't know what motivates other women, but I've taken back a cheater, and I didn't regret it.

My first love cheated on me after we had been together for almost a year. He had begun attending college and I was still in high school. I didn't learn about the cheating until after he broke up with me in November of his first semester.

He was 18, he was horny, he thought he'd enjoy college life as a single man, and his parents encouraged him to sow his oats out of a misguided belief that 18-year-old boys were supposed to do that. The result of his behavior was that he felt like a horrible person, terribly guilty that he'd hurt me, disappointed that the girls he was meeting at college weren't as interesting as he thought they would be, and he missed me all the time. One month after he broke up with me, he wanted me back. In the three months we were apart, we both dated several people, but we were both unhappy being apart from one another. We weren't just boyfriend and girlfriend, he was also my best friend and we were lonely without each other. Three months after he broke up with me I took him back.

We were together for four more years and he never cheated again. If I could do it all over again, I would have made the same choice.

No one else has ever cheated on me.

I have never made an ultimatum that if someone were to cheat on me that I would leave. I want to know that my partner's fidelity is out of love and good character, not because I've threatened to end our relationship. I feel like that sort of ultimatum will only encourage deception and lessen the likelihood that I will ever learn about any cheating if it should ever happen. I need to learn about any infidelity. My health depends on it.

 

[Lou Pole]

I can only speak from my own experience, but I think that type of behavior changes as women get older and more self-aware/self-confident. Dating douchebags gets old. I stopped doing it when I was about 24 or 25, but I have to admit that I did take back a cheating boyfriend when I was younger.

 

[Fleur]

I have never made an ultimatum that if someone were to cheat on me that I would leave. I want to know that my partner's fidelity is out of love and good character, not because I've threatened to end our relationship. I feel like that sort of ultimatum will only encourage deception and lessen the likelihood that I will ever learn about any cheating if it should ever happen. I need to learn about any infidelity. My health depends on it.

I totally agree with you. Ultimatums are just threats to me. A relationship's fidelity is based on love and trust not threats of ending things...to me, it's what helps make a relationship unhealthy, leads to lying and a "I don't want to get caught for this" mentality...all ultimatums do is cause the lines of communication to close up.

I've seen so many people be in relationships that revolve around so many lies and little communication...and that's no way to live for your health or the relationship's health.

I'd rather "rock the boat" and communicate openly than live with a someone and still be lonely and alone with a man I barely know or talk to. I've done that before with someone who wouldn't talk to me openly because he was brought up to avoid confrontation, it was a horrible way to live, I'd never go back to it.

To me cheating is a symptom of a deeper problem in the relationship, if it's not just a teenager who's misguided like in your situation. Either the relationship has a rocky foundation, the person is comfortable but too afraid to leave the relationship that is already long gone, whatever the reason...it's about the deception and lying that bother me the most.

I see a lot of people staying in relationships out of fear and comfort...they get this idea they don't want to be alone, so instead of being single and "alone" they'd rather have someone and stay in an essentially "dead" relationship. They don't want to leave their current relationship because they're comfortable in the relationship even though they're not happy. They might care about the person they're with but there's no love there anymore. They basically are more lonely than if they were single because they can't be out there finding someone to truly be happy with. They end up rationalizing their behavior as "this is just the way it is..." or "who I am" etc. It doesn't do that person or the person they're with any good. It just leads to more lying, deception, loneliness and puts you deeper into a feeling of not wanting to leave the relationship you're in for fear of being "alone"...whether it's consciously realized or not.

I've seen so many friends in relationships like that...and it's sad and infuriating at the same time to see them feel so helpless and unhappy. What they don't understand is their fear of being alone is irrational...they already are alone romantically and they just don't see it that way.

 

[dolfette]

i don't do forgiveness.

 

[Fleur]

i don't do forgiveness.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HeAX1xozi_Y

 

[D_Sparroe Spongecaques]

I can't speak for anyone else but for me it was the way he wore my nerves down by making me think i wasnt worth sh*t.Brainwashed me into thinking i wasnt worthy of his affections and he got me thinking that if he did sleep with me then i really had to earn the honour,usually by giving him money for booze,buying him console games,clothes,sportswear etc etc.

He told me over and over again what he had given up to be with me (a bedsit and a giro in Newcastle ffs!).I made it clear from day one that i wouldnt be moving myself and my children up and down the country and he knew that i have my own house as well as a fab career as a nurse.He scrounged off me (in total about 20K in 2 yrs) and made me believe it was my duty seeing as i brought him to a strange city.Oh the poor lad was soooooooo lonely without his drinking buddy that he stopped me from seeing my friends and only allowed me to go out to go to work,my punishment for him not having any friends where we live.He refused to work saying he couldnt find anything though he didnt actually look....again my fault.

Things got alot worse........ALOT worse inc me being in plaster due to him breaking my arm and being a midwife i couldnt work.

In the end i was afraid of my own shadow and after he came home p*ssed out of his head,he throttled me and kicked me in the stomach,smashed my house up inc the windows and i was unconcious on the floor and 2 of my kids finding me i got the courage to get the police to arrest him.

He told my kids to tell me that he had a super duper new gf who was in her early twenties ( a dig at me for being 34 lol)...oh yes,i saw the girl in question on Facebook,she looked like shit on a stick and with skin resembling corned beef,hair that hadnt seen shampoo for fck knows how long and a roll on her belly that Goodyear would be proud of!!! Granted i'm not toned but after 6 kids even my belly wasnt like hers lol!!

It took me months and alot of therapy to get my confidance back and able to actually look a person in the eye instead of me looking at the floor.I can still remember the day i drove past him in my new car looking and feeling like queen of the may and he was sat looking like a tramp on the wall outside the dole office smoking a roll up....he looked up and saw me,his revolting face dropped and i smiled and tossed back my hair and drove away.

Divine retribution!

............and he is still without friends,REAL friends,a job or anyone to call his own.HAHA!!!!

 

[dolfette]

...oh yes,i saw the girl in question on Facebook,she looked like shit on a stick and with skin resembling corned beef,hair that hadnt seen shampoo for fck knows how long and a roll on her belly that Goodyear would be proud of!!! Granted i'm not toned but after 6 kids even my belly wasnt like hers lol!!

this bit confuses me.
she might be fat, stupid, ugly and even a bitch...but you know what her future holds. the abuse, the fear and the broken bones. she's just some poor cow whose fallen into the same trap that you did.
you've no pity for her at all?

 

[AlteredEgo]

Why take back a cheater? Because I'm not perfect. If I want the opportunity to make mistakes, and grow, and make amends, then I owe everyone else that same opportunity.

An abuser I'd not give another chance for two reasons. Firstly, I'm prone to violence. If someone has an opportunity to make me extremely angry or afraid, I may become incredibly violent, and that part of myself hasn't come out often enough for me to trust that I have any level of control. It's like a separate person that lives inside, at least that is what it feels like when I'm suppressing violent urges. In short, I don't want to end up in prison for murder. Secondly, there is evidence to suggest that reform for abusers is hard-won, and uncommon. I don't want to teach myself bad patterns, especially since I have my own violent urges with which to deal. I don't need his too.

 

[D_Sparroe Spongecaques]

this bit confuses me.
she might be fat, stupid, ugly and even a bitch...but you know what her future holds. the abuse, the fear and the broken bones. she's just some poor cow whose fallen into the same trap that you did.
you've no pity for her at all?

I feel no pity as she knew exactly what he was,he bragged about taking money from me,beating the life out of me,she saw the strangle marks on my neck when i went to pick up my girls from the nightclubs.She laughed and said he'd never do that to her.She thought cos he was very attractive she was in there and she was 'the bomb'........................yup,for one night and after she plastered it all over facebook trying to upset me (it didnt at all) she chased him and he told her he wasnt interested (this btw was after he realised i wasnt bothered one bit) and then the dopey cow told him she was pregnant in the hope she would get him to stick with her.

She confronted me one day and told me how he thought i was a stupid cow for thinking i could have a guy like him (??????) and how he liked younger women blah blah and i told her i was pleased as i wouldnt go back with him if he was the last person on earth!! She blabbed it around the area that we live in how she took him away from me and all that type of thing,trying to make me look daft.........didnt quite work though.

Pity no,not at all.

 

[dolfette]

i forget quite how skanky and low class some people are...

 

[D_Sparroe Spongecaques]

Quite

 

[HiddenLacey]

My first boyfriend had a bad habit of drinking while hanging around with his friends. I loved him I made the mistake of staying with him to long. We were at a party one night at one of his friends houses and he got in an arguement with a guy there and decided to leave. Well he had been drinking so of course I'm going to try to take the keys from him. So he's sitting in his truck and I'm standing on the railing on the bottom with my arm over the column trying to take the keys out of the ignition. He did warn me to get in the truck. Which of course I didn't because I was right. That was the first time he put his hands on me. He didn't hit me he just wrapped his hands around my throat and squeezed until I let go of the keys, pulled me over his lap and we left. He was sorry later... right? No big deal....right? So I let it go... he was drinking. I started to realize more and more he wasn't who I thought he was. My friends hated him. But he was my first love, lover, everything so I stayed with him.

One night he was supposed to come pick me up around 6 for dinner. He called around 10 to tell me drunkenly he was on his way and to be ready. I told him that I wasn't going and not to come to my house again that he didn't deserve to be with me and I hung up on him. Mistake. Considering he knew where my spare key was. He just let himself in. And of course I was going to push his buttons I was pissed. I wanted him gone and out of my house. Threatened to call the cops if he didn't leave... which I really was just going to call a guy friend to come get his drunk butt out of my home. Yeah he just took the phone from me and slapped me. I ran to get my cell phone and locked my bedroom door behind me. He just kicked it in. He hit me again pushed me up against the wall and I hit my head. It just got worse from there. He told me later that if I ever threatened to leave him he would kill me and burn my house down. He meant it. He was crazy and a really big guy.

Eventually I did get away from him. It's hard sometimes. To see who people really are when you love them.... or you think you love them. It doesn't mean you have low self esteem like so many people believe. I was confident, 21 happy with a lot of friends. I choose to ignore the warning signs because I thought he'd never hurt me. I WAS very naive. People do crazy things when they think their in love. Younger girls especially. They never think it could happen to them. Same thing when someone cheats. My bestfriend took her boyfriend back over and over after he cheated on her, because she quote "loved" him.

 

[helgaleena]

There is a song called Self-Esteem, sung from a guy's perspective, but the same goes for women. I hope it helps you males understand a little bit. Hormones and the myth of 'one true love' complicate things.

 

[EllieP]

I have been cheated on, and for a very brief moment I want to take him back. I would have, too, because he was coming clean with me. He admitted to his mistake. And even though my heart was breaking it still wanted to make room for him.

But as he kept talking I realized that his mistake was not that he cheated on me, but that he stayed with me so long. Yeah, right, two and a half years is too long? Well, maybe it was.

The kicker was that he didn't admit to cheating on me once. He went on and admitted to three more times with three different women! And then he dared me to do something about it. You bet your ass I did! He got served so fast he didn't know what to do. I had a two-year-old that he cared nothing about. He basically told me "good luck with your life, because you're never going to get anybody as good as me again." I was counting on it.

He told me I was fat and ugly and with a kid in tow I'd be single for the rest of my life.

He's been married and divorced about four times now. Owes me about 50 grand in child support. Has two other kids with two other women. Doesn't pay them either so I'm not expecting anything. Would I like to see him in jail? No. I'd rather he be more miserable than that.

So, those who say they would take back a cheater, would you take him back?

 

[HiddenLacey]

I have been cheated on, and for a very brief moment I want to take him back. I would have, too, because he was coming clean with me. He admitted to his mistake. And even though my heart was breaking it still wanted to make room for him.

But as he kept talking I realized that his mistake was not that he cheated on me, but that he stayed with me so long. Yeah, right, two and a half years is too long? Well, maybe it was.

The kicker was that he didn't admit to cheating on me once. He went on and admitted to three more times with three different women! And then he dared me to do something about it. You bet your ass I did! He got served so fast he didn't know what to do. I had a two-year-old that he cared nothing about. He basically told me "good luck with your life, because you're never going to get anybody as good as me again." I was counting on it.

He told me I was fat and ugly and with a kid in tow I'd be single for the rest of my life.

He's been married and divorced about four times now. Owes me about 50 grand in child support. Has two other kids with two other women. Doesn't pay them either so I'm not expecting anything. Would I like to see him in jail? No. I'd rather he be more miserable than that.

So, those who say they would take back a cheater, would you take him back?

I agree with you 100% I would never take back a cheater. Ever. There is no second chance. You only get one chance to live your life. Time's to short to waste it on someone who doesn't deserve you in the first place.

 

[B_curiousme01]

I feel very fortunate to never have been cheated on...that I am aware of anyway. For me, I would most likely have a level of forgiveness. For instance, my hubby and I have been married for many years and he is younger. He has had fewer lovers than I, so I would forgive him if it was a one time situation. I know he is in love with me. I also know it's possible to have sexual feelings for another. I would prefer to know he wanted this so that he could really feel as free as possible during the exerience. He knows I feel this way. If it was just a guy I was not with for very long and he cheated, I would not forgive that. As far as abuse goes, if a guy ever even raised a hand in anger to me, I would bolt. Zero forgiveness for violence. But some woman do not have the ability or courage to leave their abuser... some very bad things can happen to them because of it.

 

[EllieP]

That's another thing - if I would ever stray, and I never ever would, how could he trust me again? Because it happened "only once" means that it would never happen again? Would he think that any guy that talks to me is trying to get me in bed? And that I might take him up on it?

As a performer he works a lot of evenings sometimes coming home after 4 or 5. Sometimes gone for weeks at a time. How can he trust me?

Because he knows how much I was hurt and I'd never want to do that to another human being, especially someone that I love.

 

[FRE]

I lived outside of the country for 10 years. A man I knew cheated several times on his wife. His wife found out, perhaps not every time, but at least a few of the times. The economic situation of the family was such that she and the children were totally dependent on him and, except for the cheating, he was a good husband. So far as I know, the wife, even though the cheating greatly disturbed her and affected the children, never considered leaving him although she did what she could to stop the cheating. In that country, such behavior is common and many women don't even expect their husbands to be faithful.

It seems to me that it is the responsibility of the wife to decide how to deal with a cheating husband. A woman in that situation many have many factors to consider and, unless there is intolerable abuse, it is inappropriate for anyone to tell her what to do, although it may be appropriate to suggest options IF ASKED. Not every woman would handle the situation in the same way.

As for cheating just once, I see forgiveness as appropriate. After that, not necessarily.

 

[hsarge]

Ellie, go to court. The money is for your children; he should support them. You should not let him off the hook, at their expense. Put your state or a private service on his case. You may be fortunate to be with a new man who accepts those responsibilities; but that is still no excuse. Sorry to sound harsh.