HiddenLacey
Cherished Member
Don't take him back!!! You deserve more. If you were that special to him he never would have done it!
Cheaters/abusers
- Thread starter D_Vladimir Jurkov
- Start date
Don't take him back!!! You deserve more. If you were that special to him he never would have done it!
I'd say it's best to be prepared for any situation but don't tell yourself beforehand that you think you'd be OK with it.
Not saying that you would or you wouldn't but you don't want to get into a mindset that would have you making allowances when they shouldn't be made.
I can say categorically that I'm not OK with it, that I believe if you're in a committed relationship, you don't fucking do it. But I'm also practical because no one is perfect and it is something you can sort out. It's easy to say that if you love someone and they love you, no one should do anything to hurt the other but people in love hurt each other all the time, accidentally and deliberately.
Any relationship needs to be built from a starting point and it needs to grow, along the way there will nearly always be hurdles. A single instance of cheating is a serious one but not insurmountable.
Don't underestimate how difficult it is to forgive someone for betraying you but don't rule out forgiveness entirely. It's a damn good quality and doesn't make you weak to show it as long as you're extremely careful about the situations in which you choose to.
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Every relationship and situation is different! You can't make blanket statements that will apply to everyone. Just because you wouldn't take someone back doesn't mean that's the right choice for someone else, especially since you don't know anything about any of the circumstances, either person in the relationship, anything at all except that the word "cheating" is involved.
As I wrote about before, I have no regrets that I took my boyfriend back. I wouldn't have had the next four years with him if I hadn't and we had one of the best relationships of my entire life. He was a very special person to me, and we had an amazing relationship. I'm glad that I forgave him. He proved worthy of my forgiveness.
I say that with the full weight of the almost two decades that have passed since he cheated on me. He never stopped feeling guilty and sorry for what he did. The last time he apologized to me was just last December, which shocked me. He brought it up himself and told me how sorry he was. It didn't mean that he didn't love me. He made a terrible mistake. He's been paying for it.
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HiddenLacey
Cherished Member
I'll re-phrase this statement. In MY personal opinion. I would never give a second chance to a cheater or an abuser. There is not an excuse in the world, no amount of begging or pleading. Nothing. No situation. Forgiveness is a beautiful thing. And I pride myself in being able to forgive people for mistakes that are made. Mistakes do happen I understand it. Just because I can forgive someone and pray that they have a happy life doesn't mean that I am going to let them back into my life. Having not been a victum of cheating I guess I shouldn't give advice on it. I have been a victim of the other. Nothing would convience me to ever give someone a second chance after they broke my heart. Regardless of which way he did it. I've learned that I'm worth more and I deserve more. It doesn't mean I dont still love someone or have feelings for them and that I wouldn't be miserable with the decision. Things that happen to people in their lives impact their views. Everyone gets to make their decision on what they think they deserve. So I apologise for my previous statement. And I'll just share my feelings and the reason why I feel it so very strongly.
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I haven`t read the whole thread...but have you girls separated those categories?
Cheater-usually just an asshole
Abuser-jail time nominee, and a shot in his knees
Cheater-abuser-an asshole who deserves to be in jail or a shot in his knees
(btw, I have some women too fit that criteria, haven`t met them yet)
Cheater-usually just an asshole
Abuser-jail time nominee, and a shot in his knees
Cheater-abuser-an asshole who deserves to be in jail or a shot in his knees
(btw, I have some women too fit that criteria, haven`t met them yet)
I don't feel like I took him back because I felt like I "deserved less" or that I couldn't do better. I don't have any self esteem issues that had anything to do with forgiving him. Real forgiveness isn't some sort of pathetic, "Well, since I think so little of myself, I guess I have to take you back." That's not forgiveness at all.
I am also "worth more" and I "deserve more" and forgiving someone I loved doesn't mean that I have some sort of issues with self worth as you seem to be implying.
It's easy to refuse to forgive someone you really don't love very much and cut them out of your life, but I don't think that choice is so easy if you really do love someone for real, if you have a deep and complicated relationship.
HiddenLacey
Cherished Member
Lol your so funny you make me smile:biggrin1: Unfortunately I have two views when it comes to my heart
=wide open like the ocean anything goes love
=lock down, broken and in flight and protect mode
I just don't think that I will ever be able to deal with either situation at this point. Why would I want to be with even the "a-hole"? I wouldn't because the person I gave my heart too is not deserving of it. Like I said in my case it's protection and self-worth. I agree one of the situations can be worse but as someone who has never experienced both of them I shouldn't give anyone else advice on how they should handle their situation. As petite said I don't know what the "cheating" was. Maybe it was simple... a kiss... I don't know so I shouldn't have made a blanket statement.:tongue:
And I agree with you Luka I've had my best guy friend in my kitchen on his knee's crying with his arms around me and his head on my belly because of his wife cheating on him. I don't do second chances. This might be the last one I get.
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HiddenLacey
Cherished Member
I wasn't directing the statement at you Petite.:smile: The statement is about ME and only ME. And the way I HAVE to feel about Myself at this point. Putting back the piece's one by one I made promises to Myself of what I deserve. Just Me no one else. Love is a beautiful wonderful precious thing. I don't think FOR ME that someone that hurts Me deserves to be a part of my Love anylonger. As I said its only about Me it's Selfish but I'm messed up now. Sometimes when your broken there is no way to fix it. I'll always look at everyman I see for the rest of my life and wonder if he's like my ex. Unfortunately it's just a part of me. I also have a horrible hatred of drinking. Fear changes your views on the world.
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I don't know how long ago that happened to you, but I hope eventually your doubts will fade. I think if you meet good men who restore your faith that your fears will lessen. I hope so, for you. You deserve someone who will really love you. *hugs*
I have to be honest with you people, I have never been cheated on..
Not because I am perfect, more because my relationships usually don`t last long enough
I only had one relationship that lasted a year or so, and it was with a married man...He started dating men when he was 34 and by that time he was married and had 2 kids...I wasn`t the cheated party, it was his wife!:frown1: None of us felt good for doing that, he had too much respect for the mother of his children. Some of you would say-why didn`t he come clean to his wife? Well, unfortunately Serbia doesn`t have that cultural background that could embrace such "coming-out"! One of the reasons we ended up was that I felt bad about his wife, the mother of his children!
I don`t like cheating, I`m gay and I`m looking for a serious monogamous relationship, I think that`s taugh to find.
But if I were his wife, and I found out that he is cheating on me with a guy, I wouldn`t think twice, file for divorce and end it all up.
HiddenLacey
Cherished Member
Maybe:wink: I'm good now, perfectly happy and hyper and my old sunny self. I just have strong feelings about certain things. I don't blame men or women. I don't like people that hurt others, period. I just wanted to make sure you didn't think anything I said was directed at you because it most certainly was not:biggrin1: I will always make sure to say my personal opinion (meaning it applies to me) I never want to make someone else's decision's or take their right to make their own decision away from them. That's why I apologised:smile:
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Someone in my family is the worst about this:
Her husband leaves her while she's pregnant
She takes him back
Her husband sleeps with men while they are married
She takes him back
He breaks their 6 week old daughters arms
She takes him back
She has another child with him
She takes him back
He leaves her once he came out of the closet, if it weren't for that she'd still be with him while he sleeps with random men with no condoms
She takes him back
She lets him sleep on the couch while her new boyfriend sleeps in her bed because he can't support himself
She takes him back
She gets married to the new boyfriend, who is VERY mean to the child that had her arms broken by her previous husband
She takes him back
She has another child, with the new man
She takes him back
He takes her purse away from her in an argument while they are fighting so she can't leave the house to cool down, she hits him to get her car keys, he calls the cops and gets a battery charge against her
She takes him back
He leaves her while she's in the hospital recovering from a c-section
She takes him back
She finds out she is pregnant again
She takes him back
Finally gets her tubes tied
She takes him back
She finds out he's been fucking HER mom for 8 years, her Dad watched them fuck
She takes him back
The husband sets her up with her ex-husbands brother, so he can say she also fucked someone else in the family
She takes him back
He gets very jealous and starts demanding to know where she is, when said ex-brother in law moves to the area
She takes him back
She wants to leave him, but keeps him around (all the while going to marital counseling for years every single week)
She takes him back
Just last week- we find out he's been sexually molesting the 13 year old (the one who was hurt at 6 weeks old)
She takes him back
Asshole lawyers up and we don't know where he is right now.
I can't even imagine who she might pick next. She's only been with these two men in her whole adult life. Her kids are going to have so many issues, more than they have because of keeping worthless men around.
Her husband leaves her while she's pregnant
She takes him back
Her husband sleeps with men while they are married
She takes him back
He breaks their 6 week old daughters arms
She takes him back
She has another child with him
She takes him back
He leaves her once he came out of the closet, if it weren't for that she'd still be with him while he sleeps with random men with no condoms
She takes him back
She lets him sleep on the couch while her new boyfriend sleeps in her bed because he can't support himself
She takes him back
She gets married to the new boyfriend, who is VERY mean to the child that had her arms broken by her previous husband
She takes him back
She has another child, with the new man
She takes him back
He takes her purse away from her in an argument while they are fighting so she can't leave the house to cool down, she hits him to get her car keys, he calls the cops and gets a battery charge against her
She takes him back
He leaves her while she's in the hospital recovering from a c-section
She takes him back
She finds out she is pregnant again
She takes him back
Finally gets her tubes tied
She takes him back
She finds out he's been fucking HER mom for 8 years, her Dad watched them fuck
She takes him back
The husband sets her up with her ex-husbands brother, so he can say she also fucked someone else in the family
She takes him back
He gets very jealous and starts demanding to know where she is, when said ex-brother in law moves to the area
She takes him back
She wants to leave him, but keeps him around (all the while going to marital counseling for years every single week)
She takes him back
Just last week- we find out he's been sexually molesting the 13 year old (the one who was hurt at 6 weeks old)
She takes him back
Asshole lawyers up and we don't know where he is right now.
I can't even imagine who she might pick next. She's only been with these two men in her whole adult life. Her kids are going to have so many issues, more than they have because of keeping worthless men around.
HiddenLacey
Cherished Member
I'm sorry! Some people live in the pattern and it will never change until they are ready to change it! The kids are the real suffer's I can't imagine having children and living like that.
That awful! I'm so sorry! It's terrible that she puts up with all of that! The poor children!
Mlle Rouge, I am so thankful for my family! We have none of these sorts of problems. I've encountered very bad men in my life, but I think my incessant optimism in men comes from the good examples from my own family.
i never listen to the blah blah blah once i've lost interest.
there's no excuse for this shit.
no matter how down trodden you are, your kids come first.
i've no sympathy at all with the bitch.
Protecting her children should come first! It's hard to understand.
There was an HBO special recently about a woman who never left because her husband repeatedly threatened to kill her children and family. She and her oldest son killed him to protect the other children. After they both plea bargained to 10 years in prison, the judge told her that no jury would have convicted her.
I already explained to my partner that if they cheated the relationship would simply change from "Closed" to "Open" so that this behavior is a non-issue. We're human, humans have sex, and I really don't want to deal with the emotional nonsense of monogamy in animals that are simply natural whores who "in order to act upstanding" make every effort to control their hormonal and sexual urges.
Obviously there comes a bunch of clauses with the open relationships ( STD testing for example, both partners even if no sex was had etc. ) but it's better than really sifting through the debris of "Emotional Trauma".
Obviously there comes a bunch of clauses with the open relationships ( STD testing for example, both partners even if no sex was had etc. ) but it's better than really sifting through the debris of "Emotional Trauma".
petite, PrincessTasha, submissivegirl - thanks for hinting that one day she might come back to me. But I doubt it because after I found this out I tried telling her that he is dangerous and all that. I didn't say or imply one bad thing about her, and she got furious at me. She even said "this has nothing to do with him" when I mentioned his previous drug habit and the way he lied to get her to return home (had his mom send her a picture of a mangled up car and said he was in the hospital in serious condition. Of course no such event happened.) She pretty much hates me because I wouldn't leave her alone when I found out she had went back to him. In my defense, I thought he was forcing her to stay with him. What I was trying to do is get her to tell me where she was so I could go get her and "free" her and the twins from him. And apparently my doing this, in her mind, is considered "stabbing in the back," and all she said is that I have no idea what it put her through. I asked her to tell me and she said "Don't worry about it."
Let me also reiterate that she honestly believes he has changed and that all the abuse and cheating is over for good. I doubt this, after he recently threatened the life of her brother in law and the way that he tricked her into returning.
Unless she admits to me that she has a serious problem for falling for him again, and that she is willing to seek the proper mental help, I don't think I would take her back.
But thanks for making me think it's possible that she will leave him. I just can't bear to imagine what sort of life the twins have ahead of them.
Let me also reiterate that she honestly believes he has changed and that all the abuse and cheating is over for good. I doubt this, after he recently threatened the life of her brother in law and the way that he tricked her into returning.
Unless she admits to me that she has a serious problem for falling for him again, and that she is willing to seek the proper mental help, I don't think I would take her back.
But thanks for making me think it's possible that she will leave him. I just can't bear to imagine what sort of life the twins have ahead of them.
HiddenLacey
Cherished Member
I'm sorry to hear that
More than likely he is going to continue being the person he was previously and continue manipulating her. There is nothing you can do. Maybe it's best that you are seperated from the situation for your own good.Similar threads
